My husband has terrible sundowning and can be up all night in confusion not knowing where he is and wanting to "go home". He also falls quite often and paramedics have to be called out to help him. I am 72 and no family around to help and getting no sleep. I had to make this agonizing decision to put him in a memory care facility. I just think he would be safer there and I'm afraid my health is going to decline and I wouldn't be able to care for him anyway. I feel depressed all the time.
My husband and I knew about dementia primarily because his grandfather had it and his mother and father both passed from it in the last 6 years. Now my husband has it although he was diagnosed 5 years ago. I had a fall and concussion in June and stirred up a chronic neck problem. No surgery necessary but the Dr. told me not to even think about lifting my husband or I'll need help soon. My husband went through a period of anger and running away this summer, that just about did us both in. He is taking some heavy duty drugs now, and his mood is better and no running away. When he felt better he told me that I should do whatever I needed to do to be safe and not injure myself. He told me repeatedly. He also gets sundowners in the afternoon. His dementia is coming on fast since summer. I've wanted to have him home as long as I can, but I've had to realize it may not happen. Its heartbreaking but I want what's best for him as you do too. Its just not easy. God Bless
It is natural that you feel overwhelmed, sad (and grieving) and certainly depressed. This is a huge decision you've made and it IS a very sad and difficult situation.
How do you handle it?
I'd suggest allowing all the feelings you feel to flow through and not judge them. Be aware of them and watch as they transition into new feelings (also difficult feelings). However, there is no healthy way to 'avoid' feeling as you do - you accept it is difficult, that you feel miserable and sad and keep going while being as gentle on yourself as you can be.
If in your situation, I would perhaps:
surround myself with supportive family and friends - anyone that will be a 'good listener' and not tell you how to be or feel. Even if you do not talk (perhaps just cry and ramble on) - you need to be as you need to be, not as another may believe you need to be.
Find moments of joy - even if memories of the good times with your husband. As hard as it may be, find 'reasons' to feel gratitude / grateful. You can feel both concurrently even if that sounds like a contradiction.
Get a therapist if that might help you.
Or a group (therapy / support group) for spouses going through transitions as you are.
Buy yourself some flowers.
Cry.
Go for a walk in the park.
Know that you are doing the MOST loving option available to you for your husband's optimal care. Find solace in this. Doesn't mean it feels good. It means you are a very loving, supportive wife.
Here's a hug.
Gena / Touch Matters
I knew memory care was 24/7 of excellent care. At some point, being caregiver spouse, you cannot stay alert. Falling asleep, which is once you need, presents a danger to loved one. I spend all of my spouses waking hours
with hysband. Good quality time because mind not wandering to how to get laundry done, pay bills, etc.
If you can spare a call to caregive
agency or talk to his doctor, ask stats on caregiver burnout. when you just practically collapse from exhaustion OR your own medical emergency. I was told caregivers often pass before their partner. That was a sobering thought for me. Thought I could do it own my own. Then i realized someone else could it well and all supples readily available. Look at it this way, it gives you so much time to just be together and giving him lots love.
And that is a vreat gift. Prayers
Be a wife and a visitor now, not a burned out and exhausted caregiver at 72.
Good luck to you.
He made friends there instead of being isolated with me in our home. This was a big deal because I could no longer take him out socially due to his behavior, and he missed being around people. In his MC, everyone has a behavior that's not socially acceptable - and it doesn't matter at all. The aides provide a family-like atmosphere, and he enjoys it. The entertainment there is usually volunteer musicians or dance groups, always enjoyed by the residents. Every time a resident has a birthday, there's a cake and lots of people to sing the birthday song. The residents' families are encouraged to bring their dogs to visit. On holidays, there's a celebration; the aides' children participate.
I hope you find the best place for your husband. I certainly did for mine.
1. Is he safe at home? If no then he is better in a facility that can manage his care.
2. Is he safe with me taking care of him? If no then he is better in a facility.
3.. Am I safe taking care of him at home? If no then again better in a facility.
4. Have you done the best that you can trying to keep him at home? If yes and you have exhausted yourself and resources then he is better where he can be monitored and cared for 24/7.
Placing someone in a facility is never an easy decision and probably one of the most heart wrenching decisions that you have to make. So when you get to that point it is probably long overdue.
You are making this decision for him.
And PLEASE do not let anyone give you any flack about it it is your decision NO ONE knows what you have gone through to keep him at home as long as you have.
Focus on getting the rest you need and whatever else will help you feel better. Contact friends who you haven't seen because you were home with your husband. Realize that this an enormous adjustment so it will take a while, but you will come to peace. Really, you will, even though it may feel bleak right now.
My mom's quality of life has improved during the last 6 months she's been in MC. Prior to that she was home with 24/7caregivers. Some of the caregivers were great with mom, but others just sat around on their phone. Mom was losing her words and not able to talk about much of anything.
In her MC, the staff is specifically trained how to deal with dementia. They really seem to enjoy the residents, and Mom loves them. She participates in most of the activities and has even made friends with some of the residents.
Mom was always a people person who likes being busy, and being in MC is giving her that. When I visit, she is more talkative. She repeats herself a lot, of course, but her mood is brighter because she's getting more stimulation in a failure-free environment. I've told my family if I get dementia, to put me in MC sooner rather than later.
If the stress and demands of keeping him at home were degrading your own health, who would be taking care of YOU? You need to take care of you. You chose the best solution. Stop doubting this.