My 90+ parents moved into assisted living recently -- not planned, necessitated by my mom's stroke. Dad picked out all the things they wanted from the house and either took them to their apartment or stored them. Now I'm stuck having to go through the lifetime of their stuff (and much of my grandmother's and beyond). I'm not their only child -- one brother predeceased me, the other lives 3 hours away and...isn't very helpful, more because he's just kind-of useless when it comes to this.
My mother made it clear all her life the importance of keeping All The Things -- family history things, her personal childhood things, her writings, everything her grandkids ever gave her (and a few from us). I have an issue with emotional entanglement with my mom (yes, I'm in therapy) -- love her to pieces, but this is really making things hard, as I am pretty much the only one to go through all their stuff now. Dad's done, Mom's not able to, brother has what he wanted and that's good enough for him.
I am not physically healthy. I have a number of chronic illnesses, and having to be in charge of this (well, do a lot of it myself, though my adult son helps when he can) is making me sicker. My husband (who has taken on the role of Person to Sell The House -- i.e., setting up all that) has hired a company to do an auction and cleanout, but we still need to get out those things that we want to keep.
But I don't know how to decide what's important anymore. Her beanie from her college dorm with her name on it? Her Girl Scout handbook with her childish signature in it? All their piles of underlined and notated Bibles? Her wedding dress? Her baby doll from childhood?
I'm also having to curate the stuff for the other family members -- saving photos and such for my nieces and nephews (who live out of town). What to keep? What to throw away? I've taken photos of Mom's knickknacks and sent to the nieces, and they're having me pull things for them.
We had a "treasure hunt" day on Saturday, where I invited my brother, and my deceased bro's ex-wife (we're all still friends). Nephews came. We got the attic unloaded into the carport. Bro took what he wanted and drove back home (3 hours away), couldn't help otherwise because he "didn't know what to do" (even with my instructions). XSIL helped for awhile but then left. It was just me and my son for 5 hours (hubby had just had foot surgery) going through a 3,000 sq ft house full of memorabilia, treasures and mostly junk. I've never felt so abandoned.
And it is nowhere near done.
But that's my pity party. The truth is, I can't go through everything, the auction may turn up some things we missed, but ... I'm overwhelmed and just need to figure out how to stop being the curator of my mom's life. She expected that of me. But I can't, now. I just don't know how to let go of that and let go of her things. I somehow ended up the family historian, but we don't own a museum.
Two years ago I chose to travel to care for my 92 year old aunt who was in the hospital with cancer. She never married, my brother was her POA. Lots of nieces and nephews, but they all live out of state.
She passed about two weeks from the time she went into the hospital. She had a will that was changed just before her death. Initially she left specific items to my cousins, but then changed her mind. But she had a house full of furniture that once belonged to my grandmother, and cases and cases and cases of dolls that she had collected her entire life. In paperwork that was left regarding the dolls, she wrote "These dolls are very important to me, please take care of them" or something to that effect.
I videotaped the contents of the entire house and sent it to my cousins and nieces, asking if they wanted anything. Some chose a few things here and there. Then I shipped everything to them. The POA traveled to help me pack up a mini van with items to bring to my mom (her sister). Then everything was sold in an estate sale.
(I also singlehandedly packed up my own childhood home just months before this, when my parents were moved when they needed care. I fretted over what my mom would miss--turns out her dementia prevented her from remembering what she had. She recognized her bedroom set and furniture from the den and her kitchen table, and a few other items. But she forgot about the rest.)
I've learned that documenting everything in a photo makes much more sense than having the actual item. At least to me. You can still reminisce. You can see the item, no matter what it is. It is preserved, in a way.
The hardest part was reading my aunt's words of just how significant those dolls were to her and her world. I had to realize that yes, they were very important to her. But, they weren't to family members. I'm so glad she never found that out. And I'm glad she was able to enjoy them during her lifetime.
I'm sure we'll get through it. We'll miss things that will get sold or dumped. It's just going to have to be what it be. And yes, the things our loved ones enjoyed, their collections -- those were for them, not us. Not ultimately.
My Mom had us clean out her attic long before she went to AL. She then used an extra bedroom for storage. While she still lived at the house, I sat her down in the room and made 3 piles. Keep, give away and throw away. She sat while I asked her, keep, give away or trash. Went a lot faster this way.
Here's a hard truth: the younger generations are either minimalists, or don't own houses to warehouse stuff, or simply don't care. There is a decline in the number of young people and an increase in elders since the Boomers are now retiring and there's a glut of stuff available to buy second-hand. You will find that even thrift stores are now extremely picky about what items they take. I ended up throwing out a box of antique dolls (in FL) that I could not give away on either Nextdoor, FB Marketplace or craigslist. It broke my heart but this is just the reality.
If I were you, I'd pick out things to keep that only YOU really really wish to keep. Hopefully it's something you can display in your home so you can see it every day and it will bring you joy. If something doesn't do this for you, get rid of it. Then have a giant estate sale. Absolutely do not store anything you feel ambivilent about and do not pay for storage. Your Mom wants to make you a hoarder by proxy and this just isn't something you need to agree to. Keeping "heirlooms" is a generational value that young people today do not understand or share. You don't have to tell your Mom what you're doing with the stuff. Just do whatever works for you. Taking pics of it may help you adjust.
I also still have all my original Brownie and Girl Scout books, uniforms and badges. I have a pair of white lace ladies gloves that my Aunt made. Christening gowns, ad nauseum. I have a 5-yr old Granddaughter who *may* be interested in seeing it or playing with it "some day", but once that happens and if she doesn't want it, I'm throwing it out. My jerk of a FIL had lots of very old Boy Scout stuff (vintage) but guess what? Nobody wanted it even for free. Oh well, out it goes. Then move on with life. Wishing you a very successful estate sale.
Thanks for the good wishes. They've already told us not to expect much. My mom's Seraphim angel collection may have been valuable once, but nobody wants that stuff now. Not even the nieces who always said they wanted it.
i would get boxes and throw into designated boxes - dont know - (so that prob means a charity collection job)
meaningful things to your mum- anthing really obvious like personalised stuff or something she was always fond of - rest int he charity or dont know box
photo box for albums and such
clothes - in a pile for charity to collect. i even left some stuff outside with a note saying help yourself and the amount of people who came and the stuff just disappeared!
then issue an ultimation to family - theres a box of miscellaneous stuff that the charity are collecting - come view and take what you want by xx date otherwise it will be gone. Youre nto sorting anything - they come look or its gone. Anything with names on it - (pictires ornaments) could be worth money so auction area or
charity shops will make good use of your stuff so it will never be disrespectful getting rid of it because you are literally giving life to someone else.
id start by seeing what you can get charity to collect - do it in chunks as it goes down you will be more motivated to be more ruthless. Its hard but youre not a museum and its a fact clutter around you can be detrimental to your health Maybe you can bring an impartial friend or work colleague to help you? get charity to collect miscellaneous stuff and furniture not needed and clothes - how many piece of clothing does a person need - especially one with mobility issues now they've had a stroke? it is depressing and overwhelming - be ruthless if mother asks its in storage just keep anything - make it a point say 5 items of stuff she is attached to. My father came to ive with us and he had so much stuff - i was overwhelmed - it was affecting my wellbeing - i got someone to come sit ith me one day and we boxed up - what doesnt fit in a cupboard charity or bin - with someone's help we whizzed through the task and i cant tell you how amazing and clear i felt afterwards
Aside from the great suggestions here, if your budget allows, hire a professional organizer to help you with the KEEP/SRLL/DONATE/TOSS process.
Also, consider a “free yardsale” where people can take anything but have a donation jar for a charity of your choice. I did that and it was highly successful!
Things are not valuable just because they’re old, and the antique market is really quite poor now. Things like old appliances are of a negative value because they are not efficient, and sometimes just not even safe. I inherited a huge pile of phonograph records, World War I era, so over a century old, and can’t even get rid of them for free. No value. There may be one or two rare collectible ones in there that could be worth up to $50… if I spend hours and hours of time searching each title. Worth my time? Not really.
I found that after ten years of clearing out my parents’ ‘stuff’ - and they had a large farm full - I have really gotten down to one small item for each parent, small jewelry items, and find that sufficient. Photos, slides, and home movies I have digitized. Unidentifiable ones (unlabeled people no one knows), or scenery shots just got tossed. No historical society wants an old photo just because it is old. They want ones with identified people.
Your “treasure hunt” day sounds like that was ideal! Everyone got the chance to find a tidbit or treasure meaningful to them. As far as going through all the rest… I recall a day after my mom had passed away when a relative tried to make me go through a box of photos and sort them and I just begged not to and pushed it away. I had enough and couldn’t deal with one item more. I’d say you know your family’s history, and likely know off the top of your head what is genuinely meaningful and valuable to your family’s history and what isn’t. If something goes away you’re not immediately familiar with and know to find, oh well, it’s gone and you’ll never know it, but you’ll be free of the burden.
Everything is now made to be disposable. Young people replace everything they have in one to five years. New furniture, New appliances, New electronic devices. They don't want our old stuff.
I went through this process this summer with my uncle who didn't disgard anything EVER. It was my grandparents house before he bought it and he never disposed of any of their items either (they have been gone since the late 1980's). Upon first glance there were nice items but as you inspected there were obvious flaws from dog chews to water stains on the antique items. Sadly, many items were also stained yellow from years of cigarette smoke. What was in theire eyes very expensive and high value items were in fact not worth anything. And there was A LOT!!
What I did was tell my close relatives three dates with a 2 hour time frame that I would be at the house for them to arrive and take whatever they wanted. If there were any takers that is the time to get the items. Yep, I did get some push back but this forum has taught not to succumb to those trying to undercut you.
After that I spent 1-2 days a week for a total of 10 days sorting through items and boxes. That was icky because there was rodent infestation in many boxes. Cardboard boxes do not protect anything. I contacted a local estate sale company and they accessed all that was left and declined to hold an estate sale because it wasn't profitable enough. I took many items to the curb with the help of my young and able son and daughter and their friends. I posted on buy nothing facebook group the items at the curb. Many items were taken and what was left my son and his friends loaded on the pickup and took to the dump/salvage yard.
It was emotional and I felt grief that some of their items were just dumped but I couldn't justify keeping in my basement for my children to deal with. I can't put them through what I am going through because it really does suck to be dealing with that and a family member declining.
Hopefully the process I did helps you organize and be able to deal with this stressful process. I wish you the best.
Donate the items of value.
Stop being so agreeable about things like taking photos of knickknacks!
That's just more work for you, and the nieces can figure out a way to get there themselves and take what they want.
You don't "have to" curate the stuff for others! As with the nieces, let everyone show up to get it. You have in some ways brought this upon yourself, and you can get out of it by changing the way you think. Give them a deadline, step back, then have the auction, then donate the rest, then it's 2026 and your New Year's resolution is that you are permanently out from under.
A major truth is that younger generations do NOT want the lifelong belongings of people in their 90's. They are more minimalist; if they want to see a picture of great-great grandma Francesca Feodorovna, they can find it online, and they don't care for Hummel figurines. Or musty old velvet sofas or the sword that some ancestor brought back from the fight with Pancho Villa.
Your mother's life of keeping All The Things is sadly almost over. She'll have no need for them in the next life. Neither will you!
You are correct you don’t own a museum . But you do have a trash truck that comes . Whatever can not be sold or donated goes in the trash .
Take pictures of items and let the item go . Don’t perpetuate the problem by leaving a mess for the next generation to clean out . They will put it in the trash anyway , might as well do that now .
Don’t feel guilty . Your parents should have had family come years ago to take what they wanted and gotten rid of the rest .
The one thing I won't toss is old photos. They tell stories. (My fil had a cigar box of photos of his life before he met my mil after WWII. He had secrets! Using a google image search, I was actually able to reunite the photo of a beautiful young woman with her daughter! She couldn't explain the connection with my fil, so some things will never be known.) It takes a lot of time (and sometimes emotions) to go through the photos and ID the people, but at least my kids will have that family record.
My kids don't need more or WANT stuff, so I am trying to pare down and get rid of all the stuff I have from those who have gone on before me. It isn't easy.
I did go over these pieces at one time with my 2 nieces and nephew so they could select what they want, but I can’t find the list. I need to do it again.
everything is just so strange.
You should hire someone to go through and clean and remove everything for you, so you don't have to look at each and every item and evaluate how important it is.
Your brother, SIL, nieces and nephews have all picked what they would like to keep. They want nothing else. They are done.
My grandmother also felt it was important to keep family photos for future generations, and meticulously labeled all the photos to identify the people in them, and the year. That was interesting to me as a child, and I now have some of those, after my mother passed 20+ years ago. But, I don't look at them. My only son isn't interested. My aunt and uncle and cousins have their own share of family history. I'm not a keeper of stuff. It feels like a burden. I like living "light". So every year, I go through stuff, including old family photos and keepsakes, and purge at least some of it. If I haven't used or looked at something in over 3 years, I won't miss it in the future.
I have one piece of furniture that was my great grandmother's, passed down to my mother, then me. It is a sideboard and hutch, with some beautiful crystal glassware, and colorful glasses and serving dishes. I was planning to pass it on to my son, who doesn't really care, but my 9 year old granddaughter asked if she can have my pretty glasses. So, I told her they are hers, and she can take them when she has a home of her own to put them. :)
Don't stress over stuff your mother thought important to keep. She won't need them anymore. And you don't either.
Best of luck to you!
Almost the moment my MIL passed I had this very strong feeling that nothing she owned, no matter how strongly she was attached to it, did she own anymore. Cat figurines are just cat figurines. The things had been freed to become things again. Those that had sentimental meaning to her children or grandchildren, they saved. The youngest daughter kept the most and even she ended up purging a lot of it a few years later. I’m sure my MIL would be shocked and disapproving if she could look down from heaven and the same with what I will be doing with my mom’s stuff when she passes. But it shouldn’t mean we have to shackle ourselves to it. Don’t keep anything because she would have wanted you to. Keep it only if YOU want to.
One of Mom's CNA's hauled away 8 suv's full of miscellaneous stuff.
It really helped us out as we just loaded her suv and off she went and then she returned for another load.
One of my regrets was selling the balance of the contents of the house through an estate sales/auction house. We only made $750 on the entire amount. There was a nice hand knotted large rug and two like new mattresses from the upstairs bedrooms that were barely used. Given how little money we made from the estate/auction house I would have given these items away to the CNA's. We were pretty burned out by the end.
She is a pack rate of the “this might be worth something someday” variety
It is such a shame to put things in the trash or land fill, that poor people would love to have.