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Hi again,
First, thank you everyone for your help and support in the past. I truly am thankful to have people to talk to/share with, as no one else can fully understand all.the.things. we deal with!
I'm sad to say that I heard on Friday that the geriatric outreach program has declined giving my mom a geriatric assessment. Actually, screw that, I am angry! So much of my next steps were dependent on the results of that assessment!
-> If they said she's not capable, she could be placed...although I spoke to her social worker today who informed me that even so, she could refuse placement, and I'd be responsible for her care. what?!?
I live in Canada. Ontario. Is anyone familiar with the law here? Is this actually true? And how do I get out of that responsibility?
-> If they said she is capable, I planned to put up walls and leave her to it over on her side of the house, and just get on with my business over here.
Mom was also assigned a brand new worker, so we are back to square 1 with that too; I will need to meet her first, and then it could easily take a month before she even begins any work on mom's case.
And OT is waitlisted, and I wasn't able to get any timeline for that.
As for me, I haven't been doing any caregiving at all. Well, no hands on caregiving. I still have to pay her bills, hire psw's, cleaners, buy her groceries, liase with doctors and all the organisations...all of the behind the scenes stuff that she never appreciated actually takes time and effort, as if the nurse just magically appears whenever she makes a wish!
Anyways, I just want to move forward, but how do I know what to do if I can't get any answers from professionals??? BUT they are worried about me, the social worker said. About my mental health.
I have to put in a kitchenette, by splitting the kitchen in half, and I really wanted to place her for a week or two while that is being done. Grrr!!!

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While there is a law stating children can be responsible it is not easily enforced as parent has to use her/ his resources and that applies to financial hardship.
But, there is no obligation to physically taking care of parents or anybody for that matter.
i had completely opposite experience with social worker, once my husband was in rehab one called me saying how we should have wills etc, I simply told her there is privacy law and she has no right to ask me any of those questions.
Simply not her business, then call from hospital re my husband placement, they insisted it would be best for him, which was totally wrong.
Simply put if your mother is capable you have no obligations financially, if she becomes incompetent or end up in hospital you can claim either you have no caregivers or unable to provide care due to stress.
I am just wondering if Mom tells them some different story about just guessing her gifting you house etc and you agreed to provide care?
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You are not responsible for her care. Did you sign a caregiving document? are you getting paid to be her caregiver? Are you her legal guardian? Do you have conservatorship? If the answer to those questions is no, how can you be "responsible for her care"? The social worker is I believe trying to twist you to take on the responsibility. You tell the social worker her care is more than you can manage, she is not amenable to your assistance, and you cannot guarantee her safety, and you are doing all that you can to be of assistance as it is and your own mental health is suffering as a result.
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I think you may need an elder lawyer so you understand the laws. In the US, the easiest way to get help is when they get hospitalized. Ask for a 24/7 evaluation and if found needs 24/7 care, say you can no longer care for them and they will need to go into a facility. Rehabs even better because LTC is in the building so easy transfer.

Another way is if they become violent. Call the police and say she has Dementia and she is a danger to you.

You may just have to wait for something to happen. Here, we are able to allow the State to take over care. Problem is you will have no say in Moms care.

You may have bought her house, but she still thinks it hers especially if she has Dementia.
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Perhaps I am wrong about it?
Every province except Alberta has so-called filial duty laws requiring adult children to support a parent who may be dependent due to age, illness or financial straits. They owe their existence to English “Poor Laws,” and date back to the Depression—before the creation of the modern welfare state.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2022
In the US those laws are rarely used. The income of the child is taken in consideration because their family can't suffer financially. Little buy little they are being written off the books.
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Maybe talk to somebody at healtline Canada, because I am quite sure nobody can force you!
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Sorry if you have previously explained.. just trying to get a picture of your situation.

So Mom lives with you? In your home? Mom has allocated rooms/areas? You are building physical walls & a kitchenette to formalize this division even more?

Mom is responsible for her own care (& caregivers) but you pay bills?

So you have clear ideas on what you will & what you don't want to do.. but massive pressure & 'Mission Creep'?

Mom is dependant on you for everything, is that it?
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cinderblock Aug 2022
We sold our home and bought mom's with the understanding that she would stay home "as long as possible" but she is not making life livable at all. She is argumentative, bossy, abusive. She has a bedroom, den, living room and full bathroom. Currently we share a kitchen but she keeps it a disaster. I go to bed at night and wake up to unpacked antique knick knacks all over the table, island, counters and dirty dishes everywhere and sometimes diapers in the sink to take the cake.
Mom told me to get the **** out of her life a month or so ago and it's been hellish ever since. I've been complying. She tells the drs that she can take care of herself, but she really can't. I manage the household, including her care - doctors, nurses, and psw's. She gets OAS and CPP and I manage it for her and use it to pay her bills and portion of the utilities.
Before things got this bad, I was cooking her meals, bringing them to her on a tray and running back to get this or that, trying desperately to keep the kitchen clean, doing her laundry, running out to get her diapers, coffee, whatever she wanted...that kind of stuff. But I don't do diapers or showers. That's not in my skill set. At all.
Now, after being called a **** by her, I don't have any desire to do anything at all for her. If they think she can manage herself, I say let her.
So yeah, I already put up one wall blocking a hallway off and added a second door to the shared laundry room, which will eventually be the only pass through to the other side of the house. I also put in a toilet and sink in the laundry room so there will be a second bathroom for mom's "guests" as she spends 75% of her time on the toilet. Next is the kitchenette, an expensive undertaking, that would give us a separate kitchen, room for an actual table and chairs to sit and eat at, and also make managing the dogs easier as currently her dog rams into the doorway until it pops open...and then the puppy gets out and goes into the living room where mom is and eats dirty paper towels. I don't want to go through with that whole expense if I don't have to, but will happily if it will provide me and my husband with some peace! The difficulty is getting the assessment on mom so I can force her into a home for a respite stay so I can get the work done without her being in the way. And she will be in the way - there's no way to get back and forth without going through the kitchen!
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I am in Canada and you can get respite care at several facilities. Of course, it is quite expensive.
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cinderblock Aug 2022
But can you force them to go? I own the house. She isn't declared incompetent yet. But the social worker today said even if she were, I wouldn't be able to force her to go, that she would still be allowed to choose to go or not go! BUT I would be responsible for her care!
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