How do you see past the anger where your spouse has self neglected for 20 years and now we are both paying the price?

Patience, please don’t get angry with Burnt, or any of the other posters whose reactions are NOT just like the way you feel at the moment. Some of us are around 80, while you are around 55, and ‘my dear’ is NOT necessarily condescending or patronising, just concern for someone so much younger.

Your original post really was fairly angry. Since then you’ve made your mixed emotions much clearer. Also the situation now seems different – eg your husband is still earning a living, even if you ARE waiting on him ‘hand and foot’. It’s quite common for posters to change in a different direction if they keep on the thread. Some (like you) start angry, then mellow. Other start with ‘kick me again’, and change a lot as they realise that they won’t be told that God says they have to tolerate all bad behavior once they say ‘I do’.

Take what helps you and disregard the rest. We are not the people causing your problems.

Patience, your husband may improve some because now he is doing what he should have 20 yrs ago but damage has been done and thats not reversible. He can quit smoking but still have lung problems. Diabetes effects the heart and kidneys. My GF was a juvenile diabetic and took care of herself. She had a heart attack in her fifties. A leg amputated when she was 60 and passed at 63 from kidney failure. Dialysis did not work for her because her veins collapsed. You should do nothing for him he can do for himself.

Just when we think life is about to settle down, WHAM, a health crisis has hit my husband and I, one after the other, since 2019. I've been his caregiver from 2019 to 2022, and then he's been mine since Jan of 23 when I was diagnosed with cancer. Some poor lifestyle habits brought dh to his state of bad health, granted, and I had some moments of thinking it wasn't fair to me that our lives were SO disrupted as a result. But my main goal was getting him thru the crises so we could get back to normal life again. And we did, for a little while.

Now HE is probably thinking what a giant pita it is to have to take care of ME for 16 months now. Sigh. The tables have turned and his gig is way, way longer and more involved than my gigs with him ever were.

Its what love does. Sure we gripe and complain sometimes, rightly so, and we don't call ourselves selfish for doing so, either. It's hard and it sucks. And the fear and the worries just permeate everything to the point where we question WHY? Why ME? It's life on life's terms, I guess.

I thought retirement was going to be a time to relax and travel, not be struck down with serious mobility problems from cancer treatments. Or worrying about DHs memory issues from too much anesthesia, or if he'll be here next month to drive my sorry self around since I cannot. Or if I'LL be around next month to keep him on track and yada yada.

So we just need to take things one day at a time and focus on the NOW, which is all we have anyway. The future isn't guaranteed to any of us. I pray your DH recovers well, that he gets on antidepressants to help YOU cope with HIM and the crying, etc. And that the 2 of you can forge a good life together moving forward, without "just" caregiving ahead. Because it's hard.

Best of luck to both of you.

@burntcaregiver you have assumed I don’t care about my husband , I am pretty sure I never once mentioned divorce. I am not resentful that he broke his leg ,anyone can break a leg . I said I know I sound selfish , yes perhaps I am but I giving him my utmost and he would not get better looked after in any top hospital . When you refer to me as my dear you come across as condescending and patronising towards me when I came here to look for help as to how to get over my anger towards him wilfully neglecting his health . I have gone though many major other personal traumas with him, I wasn’t running away from sickness .
you last paragraph is particularly uncalled for .

to all the other really supportive posters who actually read what I was asking for I thank you .

I wanted to answer as you stated that fear can come out as anger. Yes, there is a lot of fear with a LO that is chronically ill. The fear is you have no idea what is going to come next, what crisis will occur, and will they bounce back from nearly dying? Mark had two crisis where he nearly died. The first was a massive amount of fluid on his lungs that never stopped draining even after being in the hospital for over two weeks (he still has this fluid but they decided to only remove so much as dialysis will remove). The second was a bone infection that caused his leg to be amputated. He was on four different IV antibiotics as one point. Your relationship also changes from husband and wife to caregiver and patient and this can be hard, very hard.

You are afraid because your life becomes a revolving door of doctor visits and you wonder if the next test will reveal yet something else. Of course you are scared. Human beings do not like not knowing what is going to happen and having things in constant chaos can be draining and depressing. Your husband's depression might come from the fear or not knowing if some other part of his body is going to fail him.

Remember, you cannot make a person want to do what they should. I know it can be frustrating if they are told by a doctor they SHOULD do this but won't, but you have to let it go and let him make his own decisions.

You are grieving because the person you knew is fading away slowly. It is called anticipatory grief and it often comes out as anger. When you have an ill LO you know they are going to die at some point, but it can be years so you are grieving the fact that they will continue to get worse. First of all, anger is normal. I got angry at Mark for many of the same reasons. He smoked heavily for 30 years, he was overweight, and he neglected his kidney health. Grief comes from a multitude of emotions, and anger is one of them. However, letting the anger out on him will only make is worse on both of you. If you need to vent then yes, please vent, and it is okay to do so in a healthy way. As hard as it is once you start to let some of the anger out, realize that the damage to his health from poor choices is done.

The depression in him comes from giving up a lot of his independence. He knows he messed up health wise and is now paying the piper for his decisions. I have seen other replies that you intend to stay in the relationship, so the best course of action would be to get home health or other care on board so you can have respite care. If he still has some mobility, there could be a chance he could have an adult daycare service come look after him. Does he have any family that would be willing to help out while you take short trips for yourself? Can he still do basic daily living tasks like bathing and using the restroom?

If he can still do some basic tasks and has some mobility then do not wait on him hand and foot. If he needs to get a snack or something to drink, have him do so. Have him help with light cleaning (Mark was doing this even from his wheelchair).

Some good responses here. The anger part, your only hurting yourself. I was angry at my brothers for not being there for Mom who was a good Mom. They didn't call her regularly. Special occasions weren't always recognized. Visits were not done. Then I realized that my anger was hurting me not them. I was not going to be the one who had any guilt. I had been there for my parents. So, I letvit go. I have not heard or seen one brother since Moms death. His choice. The other lives 7 hrs away so we do see each other every so often.

I will say though, when his health gets such that you can no longer care for him physically, please don't feel bad if you need to place him. He did this to himself. I would see an elder lawyer to get POAs in place. They are tools and are good to have. Assets can be split if ever he needs care in a NH. Make sure you have Wills.

He just cries and get depressed...this is manipulation and no responsibility for his actions.

I would recommend that you stop playing his poor me game and get to the meat of the matter. You matter too and his actions show he only cares about himself and his wants, deal breaker nonsense in a marriage.

Patience 123, I am so sorry to hear about your husbands health but even more sorry that you are not living your best life due to this. Perhaps you could get some family or friends on a schedule to help, allowing you time to take care of yourself? You are much too young to young to feel the way you are feeling. You are NOT selfish! Take Care.

Patience,

I think that your question is one of the best in recent times on Forum.
It shows how complex it all is.

We come to the point of AGINGCARE after a long history, don't we?
You reminded me of that with your "after 40 years" (or was it 45. I am 81; can't remember a danged thing!) it is about more than just walking away".

Indeed it is about more.
And I think it's important to look at the situation as a whole, ourselves within it, and our "other", our mate.
You and hubby have weathered more than this storm over many years. And there HAS been anger. Perhaps even times he was angry at YOU.

(I mean, my partner is currently doing entirely the wrong thing with the grout-gone-wrong in our bathroom, by putting now epoxy on it instead of getting it regrouted. And we have gone round and round and I admit to------yes------anger!
We all feel it.)

But here you are.
He's sick.
(and TRUST ME, for I will tell you again, as a retired RN, I have seen diabetics go down for the count an inch at a time with amputations, having taken excellent care of themselves. I have seen them try to figure if they want a life on dialysis or death--that terrible choice-- with the best of intention and preventative care. I have seen a fellow nurse who was diabetic with young children go down like a stone with an implanted pump mishap. To say, you might be here anyway).

Nah, you two will bicker. He will refuse care he needs and you will rail and rant. Good, you are a CATHOLIC. You have a PRIEST. We atheists would sometimes KILL for a priest. Say three Hail Marys and I am forgiven. If only..............for I often am in need of it_)

Truly, I wish you the best. None of this is easy. Life isn't easy. Remember being a teenager? Wasn't easy THEN either.
I am closing in on the end of my life, and the one thing I CAN tell you is to avoid anger where you can.
Embrace love and mistake and the inevitability that not everything can be fixed.
Take a walk. Look at a rosebud for 20 seconds minimally. EMBRACE it.

I trust you. You KNOW YOUR MIND.
You answered me right away-- that you pretty much you know you are staying.
Good on you (and danged lucky for HIM).
Yeah. You will get mad. So will he. And you will hurt for what could have been/should have been/might have been. I can tell you that next life there are changes I would make as well. For sure. And that from someone who has been truly lucky.

I've enjoyed your question and its responses.
I truly hope you will stay on Forum. So many come in and drop a question like the raven pooping over my yard, and never return again. You are responsive and curious and able to hear the caring behind harsh words. I TRUST you to figure this out the best way it can be figures.

I hope you will stay. And will update us. And will help others to recognize their choices, their options, their sadness, their joy. Their anger.
Their forgiveness.

Welcome to our world. Yes, anger and resentment is part of the progress along with experiencing anxiety and fear. I'm picking up on all of these feeling from just reading your blurb of information. I'm feeling grief in there as well. I've been there myself.

Yes, you still love your husband and it is okay to blow off steam. Yes, you can be angry at a sick person. I'm widowed and married my third husband later in life. I got mad as well. I wasn't so much angry at him, but at the fact that I knew our time together was being cut short. Yes, I was angry. He was diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't fair. We were only married for three years before he died but total time together almost nine years. He came into my daughter's life and my grandson's life at a very crucial time. I met him through my daughter.

It was a hard three years with some respite. We were able to travel at times. If I had to do it over again, I would do it. I grieved for three years straight.

Diabetes can be due to genetics and lifestyle. I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I'm older now and I know when I go back to the doctor in a month, I'm going to get a stern talking to. One thing about diabetes, you never know which way things are going to go with it. You learn to manage it through diet and exercise.

Smoking can cause tooth loss and other problems. Your husband will have to take one step at a time. His situation is self-neglect.

For your mental health, you can speak with a pastor or priest at your church. Since you have been married for quite a number of years, I don't think getting a divorce will be the best option and will only add more stress to your situation.
A good therapist is a must to help you deal with your anger and resentment.

I refer to Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the stages of dealing with acute and chronic illnesses. Even though she was the pioneer on identifying the five stages of death and dying, most illnesses and emotions of both the sick person and the family members go through emotional cycles. Sickness is full of challenges. Put yourself in your husband's shoes. His health is shot, and he knows it. Now, if he is stubborn sick that is another story, but either way, emotions can be managed. Whoever wrote those marriage vows were writing from reality. Pull them up online and meditate on the words of them. They are written in order from youth to old. Sometimes experiences and deaths come prematurely and some couples don't make it to old age, but those vows still apply.

I was talking to my minister neice after my husband had passed. I told her that the main objective of marriage is to help us to grow spiritually. We bring our baggage from our family of origin, but the real work takes place in these marriages. In couples counseling, the therapist looks at a couple's family of origin and having something to identify. You may not feel the growth immediately, but it will eventually come to fruition even years later. I had grief therapy after my husband died, and I did not accept what I learned in therapy until last year six years later.

As far as having a perfect marriage, I'm sorry to tell you this, but that only happens on television or in the story books. There will be sickness and ill health especially as we get older.

Take the advice for making your life easier such as diabetic prepared meals, home care services to help with appointments. Go get your hair and nails done while the aide is in the home. If you have hobbies, work on them. As for waiting on your husband hand and foot, set some boundaries. It has to work for the caregiver or it doesn't work at all. It sounds like you need some tweaking so you can free up your days to enjoy life more.

The first step is calming your nerves. People on these boards and other platforms cannot decide what course of action. Follow your own gut.

You've been given good advice.
I was a Planning Commissioner for 2 years,so I'm big on long range planning.
Cities crumble without it. Do some serious planning of your own. Divide your finances, select your POAs, make sure Trusts and similar documents get done NOW.

It's also hard to adjust. Don't do so much for him, to keep the resentment level down. I was overwhelmed and hopeless, and hate that feeling. Get some HomeCare people coming in to help you.

Make "I Will Survive" your theme song. I wish you luck.

There is a lot to pick through in those answers . Firstly financially we are ok and I work part time remotely . He works still as he can use laptop and phone .

My question was how do you get past the anger ? . I am caring for him . I look after him very well and do anything I Can to help him . I admit there were days where I said I told you so etc etc . But I don’t harp on about it . Mostly I keep it to myself but came here for advice.

i am not new to caring as I mentioned and yes I suppose I’m bitter as felt I have done my share . Him mum only died recently from cancer and I cared for her , she begged him to sort his health . I have begged my husband over the years to sort his health . He didn’t and so be it .

Alva you post really hit home with me and I thank you . are right it’s not fair to be angry or punish him and your right too it won’t change anything.

Your profile says that you're "an outgoing happy person who loves meeting friends, reading travel."

Clearly you are not that person anymore because of what your husband has become.

So here's the question - what's more important to you, doing the until death do us part thing that keeps you stuck where you are, or being the happy person you once were before his bad habits and refusal to correct them ruined your life together?

Waiting......

PS It's not selfish to want what you worked hard to accomplish.

You say below that you have throughout the marriage and NOW made the decision to stay. That this may be due to your Catholicism or just your general outlook on 45 years together, but at this point you are in your own mind "till death do you part".

I think that is a valid decision.
And the reason I told you you had a "decision" to make.
And you did very quickly.

So now I will tell you this. It is NOT FAIR to punish someone already ill and suffering, who WILL BE ILL AND SUFFERING until he dies, when you chose to stay. You can leave or you can stay, but IF you stay it is unfair to punish someone and be angry with him.

First of all he is used to the anger and the being told what to do when he has no intention of doing it; it doesn't hurt him. But it may hurt you. Anger eats us from the inside out. I learned that the hard way in my first marriage. I would never stay with someone and complain, never stay with them and blame. I believe it hurts us, makes us less, diminishes our human dignity both for the one WITH anger and the one without it.

Like I said, staying is a valid choice. Your choice. Make it as good as you are able, and as you have already learned how to have your own life in a sense, continue with what has worked for you during this time. This should be a marriage, not a punishment. For either of you.

I truly do wish you the best. I think part of getting the most out of life is recognition that a lot of things are our own choices, the tough points at which we want someone to blame. But blame gives us very little in compensation.

You don't sound selfish, you sound overwhelmed. Not yet 60 and doomed to another 20 years of bitter 24/7 slavery.

Bottling up that (very justified) anger is going to shorten your own life before his. Then who will be his 24/7 slave? I'd be seriously considering placement. He is sucking the oxygen out of your home and life. Put him in rehab!

YOU ARE NOT SELFISH WHATSOEVER.
Women like you have the strength that 10 lazy men never will. You deserve a medal. A workaholic should have extra cash. Arrange some Home Health people to come take the load off and babysit your spoiled senior brat.
Book that well deserved cruise!

First of all, no one has yet to figure out how travel back in time and change the past. Your husband didn't take good care of himself and his health. You complaining about it doesn't change or help anything.

From what you describe as 'separate lives' sounds to me like your marriage was really little more than a business arrangement. He has an accident two months ago and you're resentful and angry about it only two months in, you should consider getting divorced.

I am in agreement with you when you describe yourself as selfish. My dear when you get married there's the part about 'in sickness and in health'. Well, now there's the sickness so if you're resentful and angry about it. No you should not be waiting on him hand and foot. That's unnecessary, but really it's only been two months.

So hire a home/health aide to take him to his appointments and help him with meals and other care until he's recovered well enough to be on his own.

My first husband was an alcoholic who also smoked and died in his 30's. He was sick for more than a year before he finally died of alcohol-related complications. I helped with his caregiving the whole time and I was remarried. When you love and care about someone you step up and do right by them. You do it on your terms though.

It's pretty obvious from your post that your really don't care for your husband. So do both him and yourself a favor and file for divorce. You will be better off without him because you won't have to continue to live the resentment you have now, and he will be better off without you because he won't have to live it either.

Book a solo Holland America Alaska cruise and go for a week by yourself if you can afford that. Solos have to pay for two people, but 2 summers ago I was able to get a balcony cabin for $1500 total. I met up with a group of solo travelers and we had a great time for the rest of the week.

No it does Not sound selfish I would be angry Too . Have His Doctor write him a script for Physical therapy and a VNA Nurse to check in On Him . get meals on wheels so you dont Have to cook all the time and I bet they have a menu for diabetics . Gee Not even 60 - You dont want to be His servant for the rest of your life . Make him go to a dentist too and get dentures if he needs them . Also hire a housecleaner if he has Money and Have them do the Laundry . Elder services can Provide a house cleaner and grocery shopper . Your angry because you have become a servant and I would be Pissed too . The More help you have come in The easier it will be and get Out and take care of yourself .

I’m in a similar situation but my husband and I are early 70’s. Year after year telling him to quit smoking because I saw where he was headed it was just common sense what was to come and it did. He was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema stage 4 after years of smoking and inhalers. It got to a point where he couldn’t smoke without first using an inhaler. Leaning over chairs, tables, cabinets even in the trunk of the car loading and unloading groceries just to catch his breath. Then he was diagnosed with Diabetes from all the cake he ate while leaning over the countertop trying to breathe after using the inhaler before he went out to smoke! Now he’s on an Oxygenator all day and all night and never moves off the couch. The noise of this machine is awful and has made it so I can’t sleep in my own bed. He’s been on the couch for years and I had the bed all to myself for years. Now I have to sleep upstairs in a single bed to get away from the noise and I still hear it going. Today marks 6 weeks that he’s taken a shower … I am at my wits end. I got nowhere near him … he stinks and no matter what I say he won’t shower says he has a fear????? Ask him fear of what he says he doesn’t know. Only thing he gets up for is to go to the bathroom and eat. I cook put it in the fridge and when he wants to eat he has to heat it because I’m not eating dinner at 3:00 PM! I am past disgusted with the situation not sure what to do and just praying it doesn’t get worse before it gets better … no matter what that means!

Your spouse was neglecting himself for 20 years?
You stayed but basically went on with your own life?
That's an option. But it seems this hasn't been a marriage for decades?
Now spouse is ill and you are suddenly a nursemaid.

My DAUGHTER is over 60. I say that to show you how much life you have left. DECADES of it.
Unhappily, for a diabetic, life even with GREAT care can be daunting. Diabetes attacks the kidney, the heart, the vascular system even with the best of care. So the blame game is neither here nor there in this.

The truth is that this isn't only about anger at HIM, because YOU made the very poor decision to stay in a marriage that really wasn't one. The consequence has just dropped on your doorstep. I suspect the one you are most angry at is yourself, because now if you leave this marriage, which hasn't been happy for decades, it looks like the proverbial rat jumping off the sinking ship. Not saying hubby is a ship, or you a rat, just saying it now "looks bad", when in truth you weren't really fully a wife and you don't wish to be a caregiver.

I would go to counseling. I think you have decisions to make.
This is your one life. You will have to decide how you wish to live it.
You haven't been truly honest with your hubby unless you DID tell him "You are neglecting yourself completely, and I need to tell you that when you crump I am not staying on as a nursemaid, but am going to leave and get on with a life of my own"..
IF you said that, then to my mind you are free and clear.

You owe truth now with and to yourself, and to him.
You need to decide for yourself whether you choose to stay or to go. There's just no way around it.
I am awfully sorry. For your husband and for you. This is one with no good answer. If you find a way to leave, do division of finances, start a new life and still remain a supportive friend to your spouse, then that to my mind, after decades without real love, is about the best outcome anyone could expect?

I sure wish you both the very best that can be in these trying circumstances.

No, you're not being selfish! But you do need to identify and defend boundaries (so maybe talk to a therapist) and think deeply about your future which is the only thing you can control. Sometimes people need to be allowed to have the life they "planned" for: bad health, divorce, etc. There are even instances in the Old Testament where God allows people to have the bad choices -- and consequences -- they insisted upon.

Although I really don't like throwing around the "d" word (divorce), he needs to know this may be the consequence, and sooner rather than later. Or maybe a trial separation until he proves he is willing to do what it takes to take better care of himself.

You didn't cause any of this and you cannot fix him. All you can do is make decisions for yourself, and that's why talking to an objective therapist may help.

If your husband is depressed he should consider meds for this as this would be the "easier" thing to deal of all his current issues and may help him to move forward in taking responsibility for himself.

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you sort through things and make decisions!

I assume he is not working. I hope he has filed for Social Security Disability. See if he qualifies for Medicaid in home. Thet way you can get an aide a few hours a day. Maybe, you will need to divorce him so he can get help.

By not taking care of his diabetes prior, he may already have done damage to his body. My GF was a juvenile diabetic. Even though she took care of it, in her 50s she had bad heart attack. By 60 she had a leg amputation by 63 her kidneys gave out and she passed.

I would be angry too.

Patience, you are a new poster, your husband John is only 55, so you must be the same age or a bit younger. You have every reason to be angry. He has not looked after his health, his body or you. Now his body is paying the price for his neglect and he “wants you waiting hand and foot”. He has gone out of his way to ruin the rest of your life. His own as well, but that was his choice.

You are NOT selfish to be angry about this. You deserve to put yourself first. You think you “know he will get moving again”, but it seems very doubtful that he will be even remotely ‘well’. If he can’t work again, what are you going to live on?

I’d really suggest that you consider applying to separate your finances now, so that you can keep at least a bit rather than have it all spent on him. This is not divorce, and it is commonly done when one partner is going to need a lot of expensive health care. When their share of the finances has been spent, they can apply for Medicaid. After that, see how you feel about him. In your shoes, I would certainly be considering divorce. That way you have some chance of living the rest of your life as an “outgoing happy person who loves meeting friends, reading & travel” – to quote your profile.

It sounds like you are exhausted. You are probably just as depressed as your husband and wondering when are things going to get better. They may not improve.

Yes, you are legally married but you don’t have a true relationship.

I like Zippyy’s idea of speaking with a therapist. I hope you will find a solution to this misery.

Wishing you all the best.

You don’t sound selfish. It sounds like you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. You should see a therapist.