How does one continually swallow rude treatment by the loved one without losing self respect?

You do not let their behavior have any bearing on your self esteem or who you are. You start by realizing you are not dealing with a person who is capable of understanding what they are doing or saying. You put their behavior aside and ignore the bad stuff and just do the thankless job of making sure they are safe, fed, hydrated, and their hygiene and medical needs are met. You do not take their insults to heart or let them affect your self esteem in any way because you know you are dealing with a mentally challenged person. They are not who they were. But, if they were always like that OR if you just can’t deal with what they have become, you place them in institutional care and don’t feel one iota of guilt for doing so. It is not your fault they lived so long or that they developed dementia. It is not their fault either. It is life. Do what you can - not what you can’t and go on with YOUR life.

Here is an excerpt from my book "Dementia Care Companion" which I hope it helps.

Suspicion and Delusion
A person with dementia may suspect or accuse others of theft, infidelity, or other impropriety. This can make for some awkward situations at family gatherings, where the patient may openly accuse someone in front of others. Unfounded suspicion, and more broadly delusion, can take many forms, including believing that someone is following or spying on them, that family members betray or steal from them, that the words and actions of public figures are directed at them personally, or that the events depicted in books, poems, newspapers, and movies are about them. While such beliefs have no basis in reality, the patient nevertheless believes them to be true. Delusional thinking usually occurs early in the course of dementia progression and may persist for a long time.

Help Others Respond Appropriately
·      Make sure everyone understands that the patient’s behavior is not malicious and that it is dementia that is at the root of it.
·      Give the accused party a heads-up so they are not taken by surprise in the event that the patient openly accuses them in the presence of others.
·      Do not take accusations at face value, and do not take offense, respond defensively, or try to fight the accusations.
·      Deal with the patient with understanding and compassion. Stay cordial. Be more of a listener than a speaker. Keep in mind that these beliefs are quite real to the patient.
·      If the patient has gifted an item and now believes the item has been stolen, ask the recipient not to wear the item in front of the patient, or better yet, return the item.

 Dealing With Delusion
·      Do not try to convince the patient that they are mistaken. Remember that their judgment is impaired and they are not able to follow your reasoning. Trying to convince them may even lead to aggression.
·      Try instead to find the reasons behind the suspicion and, if possible, eliminate them.
·      If the patient believes something has been stolen, help them find the missing item or replace it with a new one. If they have gifted an item, ask the recipient to return the item.
·      Be mindful of your demeanor. Speak in a calm and reassuring tone. Stay relaxed and help the patient calm down.
·      Do not endorse suspicions and do not try to refute them. Instead, try to distract the patient with something else.
·      Use relaxing and easy activities, like a walk outside, to divert the patient’s attention to something else.

I’m sorry you have to go through that. It’s so unfair. I totally understand how you feel. Honestly, my self-esteem is as low as it’s ever been due to the fact of what my husband says to me. I constantly tell myself this isn’t my husband. This is an illness that’s talking to me. My husband would never treat me like that. I named the mean person. This illness basically without encouragement from others will destroy the loved who cares for them. Got to pray a lot.

Dave1272375.
I was waiting for any response to my question about any ideas how a person can change in a difficult situation like you are in.
I assume most of us has heard about BOUNDARIES. I didn't understand it well at first, thinking it was putting a boundary on someone else but it is really about me setting up my own boundaries. What can you do when your Dad talks to you in a rude and disrespectful way?

Would this be a possible scenario? "Dad when you talk to be like that I feel hurt and disrespected. If you continue talking that way I'm leaving the room."
Or just simply say, "I don't like how you are talking to me." Then leave the room.

Please take care of yourself and teach your Dad how you want to be to treated. You are important part of his life but it does not need to be abusive.

Dave1272375: Do not tolerate acrimonious behavior.

OUCH! You are in a hard situation. What can you do?
Can you change your father? NO
Can you change? YES
But you ask how? Any thoughts?

I can't add anything to the answers you have already been given, but you have my sympathy. Don't let the way you view yourself come from a person that you know is crazy. Be more than satisfied with yourself for caring for a loved one in need, and overlooking his faults. Don't feel bad if you assert yourself. You can look him in the eye and suggest he get himself a blanket if he is so cold.
God Bless you.

Try this strategy. When he says he’s cold, walk to the thermostat and do nothing. Often that will satisfy him. Being hot or cold, hungry or thirsty is a sign of an underlying discomfort with his life situation. Try to identify what the underlying discomfort is. Also in late stage dementia temperature control does go haywire.

Look how many caretaking adult kids have written about how they were abused by their parents and family. It's time for caretakers to have rights. It's time we are taken seriously instead of being pushed aside by family, Government Agencies and law enforcement.

Went thru this myself. My mother has always been a narcissist but she got a lot worse as she aged. She is now 99. Horribly cruel. I would tell her I am trying to help her because I love her. She would just freeze. No appropriate. response back. Everything I did and said was wrong or not true. I was trying to be a good daughter despite all she did to me through the years and now its like she is demonically possessed. I have two older siblings who have never lifted a finger. One is an alcoholic who had a liver transplant. He cant walk drive or do anything. He is only 70. Sister is also a malignant narc and alcoholic 78 yrs old. Husband is an alcoholic 80 plus years old. They live on the east coast and are rarely here. Sister and her husband convinced my mother she was being physically and mental abused by me. Brother and sister got POA without anyone's knowledge. Why? Big farm worth millions. Only found out by accident later. They kicked me off the farm. Told me if I ever went near my mom again they would call law enforcement. Put my mother in a condo in town. She isn't capable of taking care of herself. Has sundowners, cognitive decline and a huge fall risk. Yes I called Social Services, aging agencies, law enforcement everything. She will end of dead from neglect. YOUR FATHER IS READY TO GO TO THE NURSING HOME. TAKING CARE OF PARENTS IS ONE THING BEING ABUSED NIGHT AND DAY BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT IS ANOTHER. I MADE THE MISTAKE BELIEVING IF I WAS JUST A GOOD DAUGHTER AND DO THE RIGHT THING NO MATTER HOW AWFUL THE REST OF THE FAMILY IS I WILL HAVE DONE MY DUTY. IT COST ME THOUSANDS IN LEGAL FEES. MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH. YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FORGET YOUR FATHER. I DO NOT DRINK, NEVER SMOKED, NEVER HAD THE PROBLEMS MY TWO LIVE AND TWO DEAD SIBLINGS HAD THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES. YET I WAS BLAMED FOR EVERYHING THAT WENT WRONG IN THEIR LIVES. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. PUT YOUR NEEDS FIRST. YOUR FATHER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT HE IS DONIG TO YOU. WHETHER HE UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS DONIG OR NOT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO BE ABUSED. AND THERE ARE MANY CARETAKERS BEING ABUSED. THE FOCUS HAS ALWAYS BEEN ON THE ELDERLY. NO BODY LOOKS AT THE ABUSED CARETAKER.

You don’t have to live this way. As many others on here have said, I also believe they know just what to say when they want to hurt you. I also believe loss of control is at the core of the behavior. You are in charge, despite what your Dad thinks. I had to make that blatantly clear to my Mom, who thinks at 93 with dementia that’s she’s in charge. I don’t argue with her, it’s pointless, but I don’t take her crap and disrespect anymore. As my personal health began to suffer, 24/7 care was put in place which allowed me to go home and address my issues and live my life. You need to consider it as well before he kills you with his unacceptable behavior. You deserve better.

I feel the same way with my father, my father is in memory care, so I have it easier, but my father calls me almost daily with mean things to say. I go to see him twice a week I take him out or bring him things and most of the time he's hateful to me. I try to use the tools I have been taught. Try to change the subject get him to play game or look at picture but he mostly just wants to mock me or put me down :(

This question touches me deeply. My mom and I never truly got along until I turned 30, when I finally learned how to express how her words and actions affected me. Those years that followed were a gift — we had a connection I had always hoped for.
Now, with moderate dementia, it feels as if she’s slipped back into old patterns of emotional abuse. She becomes furious when I advocate for her at doctor’s appointments, especially when she can’t remember what’s being discussed. If I have to tell her “no” to something, it feels to her like the end of the world. Too often, I’ve been her emotional whipping post.

I reached a breaking point when my brother responded to me the same way as I tried to talk with him about Mom’s care. In that conversation, he told me he was handling her well-being and not question him. So, despite living just five blocks away from Mom, I stepped back. I stopped trying to do it all for her and chose instead to focus on protecting my own well-being.

This journey is incredibly hard, and no two experiences are alike. My hope for you is that, in your own way, you find moments of peace along this longest journey.

I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business and was a caregiver to my narcissistic mother. I'm going to tell you how to handle the demands and rude treatment.

You DO NOT cater to them or humor them. You make them wait for things. I don't mean make them wait all day for food or their medication. No. I mean if you are the only person who shows up to do for them, they live on YOUR schedule. Not the other way around.

You NEVER take the bad treatment with a smile. Never. When he's acting up, totally ignore him. If he's really going at you, give it right back. Tell him to shut the hell up because no one cares what he thinks. Then walk away and pay him no attention whatsoever. Let him bark demands and orders until he wears himself out.

Some years ago I worked in a nice AL facility as a staff supervisor. Every time I walked by a certain resident who supposedly had dementia, she would always say snidely, 'There goes that fat b*tch'. I let this go on for some time and ignored it. One day I just stopped in my tracks, got her backed up against the wall (I did not put my hands on her), got about an inch from her face, staring her right in the eyes and said, "What did you say to me?" Of course, she wouldn't repeat it but instead got very flustered and pretended she had no clue what I was saying. Then rather loudly I said in her face mind you, "That's what I thought". She never said a word to me ever again and I worked there for about another two years or so. DO NOT tolerate your father behaving verbally abusive to you.

Start looking into memory care facilities to put him in. No one has to tolerate or live with abuse even when the abuser has dementia. Dementia is an explanation from bad and abusive behavior. It does not excuse it or make it acceptable. For your own sake, put him in memory care.

Dave, You need a break! Please find someone - hired with your father's money, to come in and give you regular breaks to get away!

And, you are jeopardizing your own self-respect and self-esteem by jumping up to change the thermostat every time he complains! Stop doing that! Let him complain, and try agreeing with him; "Yes, it is a bit hot in here." Period. Don't jump up and attempt to "fix it" for him. You wonder why he doesn't get up once to change it himself. It's because you're doing it! Let him change it if it makes him feel better. Give him some agency. Is he able to get up and change the thermostat? Does he know how to do it correctly? Let him.

Meet his other complaints in a similar manner. Simply listen to him, and validate his feelings, or do nothing. Empathize without trying to fix everything for him.
He needs to work it out and feel as independent as he is able. He is probably unhappy about a lot of things, much larger than the minutia he complains about. He is getting older, his health is failing, he doesn't have control over his mind and his brain function. That must be scary and unnerving for him. He is trying his best to function, but has forgotten how. You can help guide him to better behaviors, without making it an argument. You can give him small tasks, such as folding dish towels or matching socks out of the dryer, something simple enough that makes him feel useful and productive. Use whatever skill he has and give him a related task. This will help keep him occupied and he may forget to complain. Try walking away more often, if there is nothing you can do or really need to do to placate him. Just turn around and take a little Me-Time.

Don't try and argue with him when he says something hurtful. Just walk away.
You say he was a good father. He doesn't want to hurt you, he just doesn't have a fully functioning mind. It will get worse. Brace yourself. And find help if it is more than you can do! You are not letting him down by providing professional skilled help for him!

After reading some of the other answers, I wanted to tell you about my mom because it helps me quite a lot with the guilt feelings of not taking care of her myself. Mom is somewhere in stages 5-7 of Alz on any given day. She has absolutely no concept of time any longer which has helped tremendously. Her memory of activities lasts only a few minutes and that, too, has turned out to be a blessing. Mom would never have agreed to long term care so I asked her to do "rehab" for her walking difficulties for about 2-3 weeks. She agreed to that. She has been in care for nearly 2 years and believes she is going home in a few days. Just before she went to memory care, she was lucid for a few conversations and I told her my real plans (to go to memory care permanently). She agreed and I told her (truthfully) that I had selected a place that was next to where her best friend of 50 years was living in assisted living making it possible for her to visit with her friend frequently. In fact, real often, the MC patients are taken to the AL side for activities so they can be together then too. After moving in, she immediately forgot who drove her to the facility, believing that she took a bus or other means of transportation. So, she doesn't get angry with me for doing it. Real often she will ask me how I knew where she is and I just say, I called. That is enough for her. She participates in most of the activities and sleeps quite a lot. She keeps everything packed and ready to go (unfortunately) because there is always someone (not me) coming to get her later that day or the next morning.

It was hard making this decision, but my mother was not safe because her nighttime wandering and pulling things down off of high shelves, etc. made me fear that she would get hurt at night and I would not find her for hours. Even though she relied heavily on a walker during the day, at night she seemed to have the ability to stand up and walk all over the house. I am glad I decided to do it because I can just be her daughter and enjoy our time together. Being a caretaker is not in my nature and it was making me behave in ways I was not proud of and it was taking my life from me, which she would never want!

Was your father a jerk 20 years ago? 10 years ago? If this is new, you can treat it like dealing with a toddler. They have no self control. If this is not new then you know the answer. You never had to take abuse and you don't have to now. Either way look for a good care home.

Another tactic that I found to be helpful for both Mom and myself was to acknowledge her feelings.

When she started to get a little testy because she was frustrated with something, I would say something like, "I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel right now. Can I help with (whatever it was)?"

Or I would let her know that it was normal to feel (angry/scared/whatever), because getting old is hard, and it's not for sissies.

Whenever I could, I would somehow make a joke or lighthearted remark that would change the tenor of the interaction.

Sometimes, after I was finally able to internalize not taking things she said personally (THAT took a monumental effort!), her "antics" would seem so ludicrous it would be all I could do to contain my laughter at the absurdity of it all until I was out of earshot of her.

In their lucid moments (which can sometimes be few and far between), they know something's wrong, even if they don't know what it is.

Sometimes just being present in the moment with them, being part of whatever "their" reality is and letting them know you care and understand, can help reduce the temperature.

Of course, not always. It's definitely a matter of on-the-job training. You learn what works as you go. Until it stops working... because their brain takes them on a new path. So you pivot and try something else.

My mom would many times say what would normally be hurtful, out of her own anger at not being able to do things for herself anymore. I would tell her, "that was a mean thing to say," and then just go on doing what needed to be done for her at the moment.

In her final year or so, she would often tell me I took such good care of her that she would live to be 100, and I would smile and say "Maybe so!" all the while thinking, "Dear God, please no!" She would also say she didn't know what she would do without me. I would respond, "I don't know. Let's not find out, shall we?" For some reason, that always tickled her.

I was one of the lucky ones. My efforts eventually paid off, and we had a good relationship at the end of her life. She stopped being able to speak at all about 24 hours before she passed. The last words she ever spoke were, "I love you."

I suspect most family caregivers don't get that at the end. Nevertheless, I wish it for everyone on this forum.

Dave, I don't think that your argument holds water.
Parents are responsible for their children's wellbeing, not the other way round. Also, for the majority, parents have a finite time when they are ultimately responsible: children grow up and leave home, then they are responsible for themselves.

Also, you can't make your father happy; unfortunately, it isn't possible. He doesn't need his son to turn the a/c up or down, or to lift him from his chair - a carer can do that - nor does he appreciate it.

Lastly, you can't make your dad better. His condition will continue to deteriorate, yet he could live many more years, robbing you of your own adult life. Being your dad's main carer isn't good for you and isn't contributing anything meaningful to your dad's life.

Repaying your dad for being a good father to you would be better done by you assisting him into a suitable facility and being an advocate for him. No, they wouldn't constantly jump up to adjust the a/c, but all reasonable care needs would be met.

This would enable you to continue to be his loving son who visits his dad once a week.

If you keep this up, you will become a shell of the man you once were. You will end up with caregiver burn-out and be less able to look after yourself, let alone your dad.

In the meantime, you deal with your dad with humour and a constant stream of words that counteract what he's saying. When he gets annoyed at you for talking, make a joke out of that, too. Or sympathise with him, even while you're not doing everything he's asking of you. And stop jumping at every demand of your dad's. Realise how unreasonable his constant demands are.

While doing this, find him a suitable facility for his health and care needs. Stop doing what you're doing. Ask yourself what would happen to your dad if this constant care runs you into the ground and makes you ill.

Your parents sent you to school. That’s how they survived. They weren’t with you 24/7 acting as your servant .
24/7 is not working any longer . Consider adult day care , help coming in so you can get out part of the time.
Or Dad moves to assisted living , which sounds , imo , to be what is needed.
You’ve been more than generous . But it’s time for a change.
Parents are supposed to be good to their kids and teach them to be self sufficient adults, that’s their job . That’s apples compared to the oranges of taking care of an elder with a broken brain .

In the mean time , tell Dad you can control the A/C by your phone so you don’t have to get up . Pretend to use your phone . Leave a blanket by Dad .

"I guess my question is, how do you swallow your pride over and over again and take bad treatment with a smile, and seemingly let it roll off your back for more of the same tomorrow." - Dave

The simple answer: You don't. You stop swallowing your pride. You take back control over how you choose to react/respond to unacceptable behavior in others. It doesn't matter that the "other" has dementia. It doesn't matter that the "other" is or is not able to control their behavior. You can no more control a dementia patient than fly to the moon. THEY sometimes can't control themselves. How will you?

So... since we cannot control others (even without dementia), and the only person we can control is ourselves... that's where we must begin.

I understand what you're going through, and I speak from experience.

When I decided I was going to be my mom's caregiver and moved in with her (still working full-time, remotely), I also decided I wasn't going to be a martyr to the cause. We had been in one of our "nice, getting-along" phases prior to my taking an increasingly hands-on role with her. I knew what I was getting myself into, in terms of her possibly switching to "mean Mom" at any moment. I also knew that if she were mean on a continual basis, and it became more than I wanted to deal with, I would say, "I hope you can find someone to put up with your behavior. It is no longer going to be me. Have a nice life." And I would have moved out.

Once I was living with her, when she would act out (which is probably inevitable for a dementia patient anyway), I would look at her and very calmly say, "What you said was mean, and I don't deserve it. I'm going to leave now." And I would leave her bedroom (which was where she basically lived the last few years of her life, and where we mostly interacted). She would usually fling some additional cutting remark at my back as I just closed her door and went to my room, or for a walk, or did whatever I wanted to do -- away from her.

She was still somewhat mobile with a walker during the worst of it. She could no longer fix her own meals, so when it was time, I would fix her meal, take it into her and set it up so that she could eat it, get the TV set up for her (she could no longer figure out how to work it) and I would then walk back out of the room. We watched TV together while she ate her meals, which made her happy. She would invariably say, "Aren't you going to stay and watch TV with me?" If I didn't sense a change in her demeanor, I would say, "No, you've been mean to me today without a good reason, and I don't want to be in the room with you. I'm going to have dinner in my room tonight." And I would again leave her to herself. She was also napping a lot by then.

Eventually, maybe a day later, she would apologize for her behavior. The first time she did that, I was absolutely stunned. I was in my sixties by then, and I hadn't thought I would EVER hear her apologize for her unacceptable behavior if I lived to be a thousand! It wasn't her way.

It's not necessarily likely that you will get the same response. Every dementia patient is unique, although with a lot of similarities. Caregiving for a dementia patient is hard. Full stop.

What you WILL get is a greater sense of control over the situation and be master of your own actions/reactions. And that's priceless.

Also: Before it gets too hard to care for your dad on your own (maybe now?), start looking into facilities where he could live, so you know what is available. And even without that, look into hiring some part-time caregivers to come in to help. Toward the end, I was looking at putting my mom into memory-care, but it turned out she was further along in her journey than I realized. She immediately went on Hospice (for the last four months of her life), and that was a help as well. I had already hired two great caregivers to give me a break during the weekdays for two months before Hospice. It made a huge difference.

I do think that for some parent/child relationships, there is more of an obligation than others. As others have mentioned, parents have a an obligation to raise their children and that doesn’t impose any reciprocal obligation on the grown child. I think that when the parent provides a lot of help to their grown child, like providing a free college education, helping the child start a business, making loans that never have to be repaid, or that may be repaid without interest, or other similar assistance, maybe then there is a reciprocal obligation when the parent needs help. I don’t say that there is a definite duty, but that feeling an obligation would make more sense.

Even so, when the parent becomes abusive, you can’t have an obligation to put up with that. Set a firm limit that you won’t put up with abuse, and stick with it. Punish him by removing yourself from his immediate presence, or just flat out tell him that someone else will have to care for him. Investigate care facilities, or in-home care services. Take breaks, or just end the care relationship. You have an obligation to yourself.

Dave, your “my parents went out of their way to make me happy and successful as a youth”. Now you “want to repay their generosity”. Chances are that quite a bit of their ‘generosity’ when you were young was feeling good about what they were doing. It was repaid long ago by their self satisfaction, plus compliments from others about their own behavior and about what they did to ‘make you happy and successful’. They didn't do it to earn the right to treat you badly in the future. You did your part of the deal back then, by your performance to order.

Have a look at your own behavior now and whether that is also about “feeling good” about yourself. Are you earning compliments on your own behavior – from yourself or other people?. Your parents got their own pay-off already. You don’t need to suffer now. It spoils the whole deal.

Dave, your “my parents went out of their way to make me happy and successful as a youth”. Now you “want to repay their generosity”. Chances are that quite a bit of their ‘generosity’ when you were young was feeling good about what they were doing. It was repaid long ago by their self satisfaction, plus compliments from others about their own behavior and about what they did to ‘make you happy and successful’. You did your part of the deal back then, by your performance to order.

Have a look at your own behavior now and whether that is also about “feeling good” about yourself. Are you earning compliments on your own behavior – from yourself or other people?. Your parents got their own pay-off already. You don’t need to suffer now. It spoils the whole deal.

One possible approach to that thermostat issue - therapeutic fibbing - walk over and 'pretend' to change it - quietly. That assumes the irritating person doesn't catch on. As others here have said though - it's a losing battle. You're "it" . I hope you are able to make other arrangements for yourself soon...you deserve better.

I believe in giving warnings, like either quit it or you’ll be in a home. And if they can’t or won’t, then move toward putting him in a home.

BurntCaregiver has described over her years here how she has told clients to “shut the hell up” and even slapped them back. She also warned them that continued behavior would get them put in a home. For the first time, I’m seeing her perspective in terms of enforcing behavior that your dad needs to meet to stay where he is. It’s either that or dad goes to a facility where no one cares what he thinks and if it’s a snf they will get him on Haldol like one flew over the cuokos nest. If there’s any hope of correcting his behavior for a longer period, it starts with you stating to him that he needs to stop being a brat now or go to The Home.

"I'm dreading tomorrow morning because it means another day of having to spend it with him and his antics." You DON"T have to spend another day this way, though. You're choosing to, and you can choose not to. No one should have to live this way.

Parenting is meant to be paid forward, not backward. Your parents provided for you, and you in turn do the same for your children, if you have any. Parents are responsible for planning for their own old age. If your dad failed to do so, that's on him, not you. He is not entitled to manipulate and verbally abuse you.

Are you living in your father's home? If so, make plans to move out. Do you have a job or income of your own? If not, start applying. If your father lives in your home. make plans to move him out. I know this is easier said than done, but you can read other discussions here about how to accomplish that.

In the meantime, stop enabling his abuse. Set the AC at a comfortable temperature, and give him a blanket. If he gets cold, he can cover himself. If he gets hot, he can uncover himself. If he drops or throws the blanket, he can stand up and pick it up. Or he can walk to the thermostat and change it. Meanwhile you stay out of the room and work on whatever you need to do to achieve living separately from him.

I wish you well. You deserve a normal full adult life, not one limited by an abusive parent. Let us know how things go.

Your words really hit home — what you’re describing is the raw reality so many caregivers silently live with, and you’ve put it into words so honestly. It’s incredibly hard to give so much of yourself, only to be met with anger, demands, or even hurtful remarks from the very person you’re sacrificing for. That cycle you describe — adjusting the thermostat every few minutes, being ordered around, taking the brunt of his frustration — it’s draining not just physically, but emotionally, because it chips away at your sense of self and respect.

It may help to remind yourself (over and over if needed) that the rudeness and venom you’re seeing is not the father you grew up with — it’s the disease talking. Dementia often strips away filters, impulse control, and empathy, and unfortunately, the caregiver becomes the safe target for all that anger and confusion. He lashes out because he can, not because you deserve it. That doesn’t make it hurt less, but it helps to see it for what it is: illness, not truth.

Practically, you can protect your self-respect in small but powerful ways. Some caregivers find it helps to step away for a breather when the cycle starts instead of rushing to fix things every single time — even just saying, ‘I’ll adjust it in a few minutes,’ can give you space and remind you that you have agency too. If possible, set boundaries where you can: maybe a cooling fan he can control himself, or a blanket within reach so he has some power back. And don’t underestimate the power of respite, even short breaks — your sanity matters as much as his comfort.

And please know: you’re not weak or failing when you feel ground down. You’re carrying an impossible load with grace, even if you can’t always see it. Your self-respect doesn’t come from how he treats you now, but from the courage it takes to keep showing up in love despite the cruelty of this disease. You deserve support, breaks, and compassion every bit as much as he does

So much good advice here, the best being “time for a care home”. You will never make a demented mind happy so you can at least give yourself peace. Visit as often as you mentally can without sacrificing everything.

Start looking for managed care for your dad. Dementia is progressive and it will get worse.

No, you do not have to take mental abuse from a parent even if they are ill. This may come as a shock, but parents are responsible for providing for their children they bring into the world. Offspring do not owe parents because of this.

Don't set yourself up to become a sacrificial lamb to someone's illness and mistreatment. You deserve your freedom and some happiness in life. Dad has had his time, and now he is ill.

The best way to help dad at this point is by finding him a reputable source of help either in a care facility or home health if he is not willing to go into a home yet. However, it is not about what he wants, it's about how much more care you can provide and how much longer you are willing to sacrifice of your own health and sanity. He pays for his own care even if it means selling off assets to provide for his care.

Children are not old age insurance for parents.