My father with dementia is becoming a nightmare to live with and care for. I guess I’m preaching to the choir to say that I do more for him than I do for myself, and I’ve limited my own life to try to make him happy and more comfortable. My reasoning is based on the fact that my parents went out of their way to make me happy and successful as a youth and I wanted to repay their generosity.
My dad is currently in an ordering around phase. An example: “I’m hot”, so I turn on the A/C. 2 minutes later, “Who’s in control of that thing, I’m f*%#*ng cold!!!!”, so I get up and turn it off. 3 minutes later, “ I’m f*%#%ng hot”, and the circle continues all day. I let him know what I’m doing every time I go to change the settings.He doesn’t get up once to change them himself. I wonder if he knows he’s working me or if he really feels helpless or if he’s getting off on bossing me around.
I don’t say a word in situations like this. I don’t argue because I know it’s a losing proposition every time I do. I used to argue with him or try to reason in it got me nowhere but angry and frustrated and on his bad side for a couple days, which was not worth the argument or standing up for myself. I found that it’s easier to just give in and just not argue. But when I don’t stand up for myself, my self– esteem suffers. My self– respect suffers. I just feel like I’m being ground down to a nub.
Today he intentionally said something very personally hurtful to me. He said it was one of those things you think about which you never bring up in the open. And he said it with a smile. It was like he completely lost it, like he was taken over by an alien. Then two minutes later, he raises his hand out to me to have me help him walk over to the other side of the room, completely depending on me, the person who he spewed venom at and apparently has no respect for. It was mind blowing how disconnected he must’ve been.
I guess my question is, how do you swallow your pride over and over again and take bad treatment with a smile, and seemingly let it roll off your back for more of the same tomorrow. I’m dreading tomorrow morning because means it’s another day of having to spend it with him and his antics. Thanks.
PS - he lost his driver’s license a few months ago, which seems to have changed everything in his life. Although he’s not mentioned it much, I think it hit him really hard. I think he might be jealous that I still have one. He’s become very me me me and my my my.
You owe dad nothing but a smile and checking in on his welfare sometimes. We don't have children so they can jump to our every command in old age. Rid yourself of that notion and stop accepting abuse.
Best of luck to you.
Yes and no. Yes, they may be saying what hurts in order to hurt, which says they have agency.
However, the part of our brain that controls such urges and polices our actions invariably becomes damaged in people with dementia. That's why they lose control and display such mean behaviour.
This is also why some people seem stronger when they have dementia or other condition that affects their brain - that area also puts a check on how much force we use if we lose it and lash out.
Start looking at any and all possibilities, with the goal of not being his caregiver anymore. The Veterans Administration, if he's a vet. Selling his home, if he has one, and using the proceeds to pay for memory care in a facility. Using his other savings, if any, to pay for his care elsewhere. A group home where he'll be with professional caregivers and make friends that aren't you. I'm not recommending caregivers to come to your home; that's a whole 'nother responsibility that you'll wish you'd never started because managing it is like a 24/7 job, and you'd still have dad doing the things he does to you.
We are not required to care for relatives who are as sick as your dad - not when they're destroying our own mental health! You're a caged bird until you set yourself free. Get out of that cage any way you can, and I wish you luck.
Secondly, if your own mental health is fragile enough to suffer to the extent you lose self-esteem due to the mental meanderings of someone in the throes of dementia it is time to explore this with a good cognitive therapist. None of that silly online therapy in which the therapist isn't paid much and is deserving of less.
Finally your loving decision needs to be explored. Caring for someone such as your dad, who now needs the care of a TEAM of caregivers working several shifts isn't always sustainable. You have a duty and obligation to live your own one-and-only life. It is what your parents would have wanted for you when they had capacity.
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1. In many cases it is not true that a person suffering from dementia has no control over his/her own actions. My mother is in memory care, and I am the daughter who oversees her care and manages everything for her. She definitely can and does control her behavior, words, tone, and actions, according to whom she is with at any given time. I regularly see her change on a dime when specific people enter or leave the room (including me). She chooses those words and behaviors. They are still very much in her control, even though she is in stage 5 of her dementia journey.
2. Therapy has been a godsend for me as a caregiver. There are fantastic online therapists, just like there are fantastic therapists you can meet with in person. Please don’t assume that online therapy is bad therapy. Most of the online therapists have in-person practices, too. Resources like BetterHelp.com are excellent, and if you don’t mesh with the first therapist you talk to, you can request a different one with the click of a button.
3. I wholeheartedly agree that a team of caregivers is needed when things get to the stage that OP’s father has reached. My mom regularly ripped me to shreds, like his father is doing. It is necessary to protect oneself and seek placement for the loved one when your mental health is on the line. It really does not matter WHY the abusive communication is happening (i.e. is Dad doing it on purpose or not?). The fact THAT it is happening is all that matters, and no one should stay in an abusive situation.
You can not make him or anyone else "happy". Just like no one can "make" you happy.
You can try to make things that someone likes, or make sure they are comfortable, make sure that they are not in pain, clean, dry, fed. Does that make someone "happy"? Maybe, maybe not.
In the instance you give about the temp of the room.
Keep the room at a set temp, one that is comfortable.
If he says he is cold, add a lap blanket, a sweater, a hat, gloves, whatever it might take.
If he says he is hot, remove a blanket, remove a sweater.
Do not mention that you are adjusting the thermostat. That gives him one more thing to focus on that has "changed"
If he is doing something or saying something that is upsetting you can tell him to stop. (he may not realize what he is saying is upsetting, or maybe he does) Redirect the conversation. If that does not work LEAVE the room.
Earbuds, noise cancelling headphones are also good options. (be careful with the noise canceling headphones you still need to be cognizant of what is going on.)
Now...a subject that you might not want to entertain.
To care for someone does not mean that YOU personally have to care for someone 24/7.
If there is an Adult Day program in your area it might be time to get dad involved with that. Typically they will pick up in the morning. the Program will provide a breakfast, lunch, snack and activities, sometimes outings.
If there are no Adult programs in your area hiring a caregiver to come in and help out a few days a week is an unbelievable break for both of you.
And the final...Looking for a Memory Care facility that can care for him and allow you to return to being a son that loves and wants to honor dad rather than a 24/7 caregiver.
If dad is a Veteran the Day program, a caregiver may be covered by the VA.
Medicare has a "new" program called GUIDE and it does provide a lot of help for caregivers, families of people with dementia including covering some of the cost of respite care.
(if dad is a Veteran check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission, the VA or your States Department of Veterans Affairs to help determine what type of services he might qualify for. )
Yes! 👏
Sadly, I don’t think this reasoning holds up when dealing with the more extreme caregiving situations. Your father’s brain is broken and it is causing him to behave cruelly to you, his loving son. Of course it hurts terribly to have to try to swallow this behavior.
I think you should do your best to make sure your father is safe and cared for. That doesn’t have to mean you doing hands-on 24/7 caregiving, enduring possibly years more of this misery.
Are there funds for caregivers to come in, or for him to go into care?
We teach people how to treat us, and you're teaching your father that he can treat you like a dog in most instances. So only you can change this dysfunctional situation that you're in with him, by standing your ground and not tolerating his verbal abuse.
When he gets angry and says hurtful things, you must learn to walk away and tell him that you will return when he can speak more respectfully to you.
And if that doesn't work then you must tell him that you will no longer be his caregiver and that he will have to hire in-home help with his own money, as caregiving only works when it works for all parties involved, and right now it sure doesn't sound like it's working for you.
So time to start speaking up for yourself and quit taking your fathers abuse.
I would try. My friends would tell me to ignore it, she doesn't mean it, she can't help it. It's the dementia. I would keep trying. I would send care packages. I would call her. She has caller ID. She would pick up the phone and hang it up. When I would speak to her, she would be so unpleasant and just mean. My cousin who lives 30 minutes from her would tell me she had been receiving my packages and asked me was aunt acknowledging me. I told her, no. I wasn't sure if she was receiving them.
My sister woke me up and told me to leave her alone. Just ✋️ stop. Period. Walk away and stop.
Some people are just mean and there is no pleasing them. I haven't spoken to her in a year. I'm human and not a punching bag.
I fulfilled my obligations. I continued to do the tasks that had to be done but had no desire to speak to her.
Get some outside support in to help.
Stop swallowing your pride and start thinking of yourself first. You cannot make him happy no matter what you do as his brain is broken. He no longer has our rational thoughts processes and most likely doesn't even remember being absolutely horrible to you.
He needs an assessment as to whether he can continue to live alone whether you need external support to enable this or if he now needs AL. There is no shame in you no longer being able to cope, there was a comment on here a a while back from a doctor to his patient "it's either you or them". If trying to cope breaks you, then your father's attitude will most likely be "oh dear,what a shame, never mind, now who is going to be my slave".
Mentally, continuing this cycle will destroy you first. Seek whatever advice you can find which is recommended here. I wish you good luck.