We’re in a tough boat…My husband and I bought the family farm off my parents, but they got divorced. So, it’s been 3 years and they have been admirably courteous and fair towards each other. Dad will live on the farm with us, and mom will buy a house with my brother. The thing is that…it’s been 3 years. Dad made arrangements, and we helped him build a home with materials he bought, so he’s on the property but not living with us, and he’s happy. Mom is disabled but functional, and so she doesn’t work, but spends every day with us, and since before we married last year, there has been no intimacy, and our marriage is on the brink. It has been an absolute nightmare…I’m not going to start listing my grievances, but good lord, she doesn’t help her condition and she certainly doesn’t contribute much to keeping the house in order…Everyday, the kitchen is a disaster…And because of the layout of the house, we don’t have any privacy…Things are supposed to move forward…But they have been supposed to move forward for 3 years…And she’s my mom…neither my husband nor I want to kick her out, but we are both so unhappy. We didn’t imagine it would take this long to get sorted…How do you deal with this? And to put it in perspective, we can’t afford therapy, because I’m in school, we’re paying a mortgage and money is tight. How do people survive this without ruining their marriage or falling into a rabbit hole of addiction because I’m very scared that in 6 more months, I’ll lose my husband, the family farm, my family and my mind. How do you reconcile working so hard and trying to do right by your family just for everything to fall apart because you made the “right” choices? That’s a really tough pill
to swallow…And of course, when it inevitably does fall apart, how do you not resent your parents bitterly, to the point of never wanting to see them again? Because that’s where this is headed. This is such a train wreck of a situation, and I don’t know what to do…
”Mom is disabled but functional….”- what does that statement mean to you? Are you sure it means what you’re thinking and living within?
”…..fair with each other”? How about fair with you and your spouse?
And how does that justify her living with you, especially every waking hour?
It APPEARS that getting out from under “the family farm” MIGHT be a discussion starter. Woulda-coulda-shoulda isn’t working in anyone’s best interests, and isn’t it time to start considering “survival mode”?
How old is “Dad”? Does he work? Does he have an income? Does he contribute ANY SUPPORT to this teetering operation?
And “Mom”? How does she manage financially? Kind of you that you don’t want to throw her out, but whatever way you spin this, you ALL need to take a look at some hard choices, and then make them. Has your brother bailed out on their original plan?
Do YOU have all the information about your financial situation, including assets and liabilities of all four of you? If not GET IT. If so, find out RIGHT NOW. See if the agency that holds your mortgage offers the services of a financial manager, who can peel away the complications and drama and show you where you are in terms of dollars and sense.
Then consider where the financial resources of THE FOUR OF YOU can be used fairly (if anywhere) and THEN, remove “feelings” from facts, and tell yourself that you are in a situation that has NO GOOD ALTERNATIVES.
There are free and/or low cost weekend retreats for married couples in turmoil. Look for one, sometimes available through religious or social groups.
When you “….don’t know what to do…” do SOMETHING.
You and your spouse and your marriage ARE IMPORTANT. While you are keeping everyone else “happy”(?), isn’t it time for some happiness for your spouse and you?
And whatever it is that must happen to make it so, well....so be it.
You and your husband have gotten yourselves into one hot mess, and it's only the 2 of you that can get yourselves out of it.
So give mom a month or two notice that she needs to be out or you will have her evicted, and let the chips fall where they may. Your marriage depends on it.
Hopefully Mom is on Social Security Disability. She must have gotten her share of the farm in the divorce. If so, she has the money to move and she should. Be honest that you have no privacy and its effecting your marriage. That the agreement of sale was Dad was building his own house and Mom was buying a house with brother. Yes COVID happened but its here to stay. Time for her to find a place to live of her own. You need the house to yourselves.
Call your local Office of Aging and see what resources are available to Mom. Senior bussing, if she doesn't drive, is something she may need or u will find you will be driving her here and there. She should find a place near everything. Maybe walking distance to the store/pharmacy. She needs to be as independent as possible. And because for the last 3 yrs she seems to think its OK to live with a newly married couple, you are going to need to set boundries big time. Thats why I say she needs to move to where everything she needs is nearby.
I think you were played by your brother. Have you asked him what's the holdup? Bet he had no intention to buy a house with your mother. And now you're stuck with your mother.
And you have a job outside the home, as presumably also does your husband? And your marriage is at the breaking point?
You will have to decide who takes precedence -- your husband or your mother.
Are there any other siblings?
I feel that you are saying that (so far) things are going very well with your Dad. That is good, but the downward trajectory is STILL there for the future. Right now it is Mom who is the problem.
I can't know exactly what your agreements were with your parents. And that is important to know. What I do know is that right now you need the mediation and the counseling and the help of professionals. Knowing so little of your parents' mental capacity to understand I can't know if this is a time for you to sit down with them BOTH, with them seperately, with them with an Elder Law Attorney, with them with a mediator, or with them with a licensed social worker. But all of those are options. You need to come up now with the honest truth, and that is that this is destroying your lives and your marriage and you cannot go on in this manner.
Then you need to come up with a plan and with a contract.
This isn't going to be easy. You are correct, that this is a train wreck and it is one involving agreements that were made without imagining all that could go wrong. Because all you could imagine HAS gone wrong, and THEN some.
I am so sorry. But you are going to have to "take the bull by the horns". There is no way to face this without HARD HARD honesty. And it IS perhaps the most difficult thing in the world to do.
I sure do wish you the very best. I hear great hopelessness and panic in your voice. Try to slow that down and take it a day at a time, you and your hubby first sitting down and having with one another the beginning of honest talk. You need to know before this gets rolling that you understand one another and agree. Otherwise this may indeed be the end of this marriage.
All I can say, is that many of us who did caregiving for a long time, lived to regret the loss of spending time with our spouses and children.
There has to be a healthy balance in our lives or we end up feeling resentful and completely miserable.
Best wishes to you and I hope that you will find a viable solution soon. You deserve to live your own life.
Get her evaluated for Assisted living.
Simply starting with realizing you cannot do it alone and you need to start living your life.
Sorry have to stop as my keyboard is acting up. More later if I fix it.
See All Answers