How often should I check on my sleeping mom?
My mother is in her mid 70s and now lives with us. She has pain (arthritis) and medicated bipolar disorder. Sometimes she retreats to her bed, staying there for 36+ hours. Sometimes she attributes it to a cold, other times to a migraine... she has always done this, and she doesn't seem to want to discuss it - for her, it's just the way it is.
But now that she lives with me, I find myself wondering what I ought to do. Should I respect her preference to be left alone, or should I probe for causes? Should I try to monitor whether she is taking her meds and drinking enough water?(she curtly says she is, but can I just accept that?)
I am home now, but soon will be back at work full time. I won't be able to personally check on her, and in this state she does not respond to texts.
13 Answers
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If she has always taken refuge in her bed, there isn’t much you can do to change her now. You cannot pour water down her throat or force feed her. She’s survived this long this way. Her bed is obviously a safe haven and to try to change her now would only cause much stress for everyone. She is living in your home now,for whatever reason, but she is still living HER life and will most likely not offer any confessions or reasons why she’s like this if she hasn’t already done so and has avoided the issue.
As for leaving her alone, perhaps an available sibling could look in on her each day? If she’s in her bed and not responding to texts, someone will need to do an in-person check on her. Chances are she will also not get out of bed to let a hired caregiver in. A “nanny cam” might work better in this situation.
You need to find someway to monitor her medications. Mom may just have to realize that this is the way it is now, and as far as the meds go, you will be supervising her.
At 70 you are not going to change Mom. Just let her do her thing. She is safe in your home. If she sleeps 36hrs and always has, let her. This is how she deals with life. You can't enjoy a person if you are constantly trying to manage them. Try to enjoy what time you have with her. Dementia will eventually rob her of her memories.
What precipitated moving in with you? Was she not taking care of herself? The 36 hour sleep fest would concern me too. My mother also suffers from arthritis and Bipolar disorder along with other ailments. Just from the information that you gave us, I would get her an appointment with a geriatric physician and psychiatrist. Whatever medication she is taking is not working very well. Her doctors need to be informed of this behavior.
The biggest issue is her medication. If she is sleeping or non functioning for 36 hours at a stetch she is probably not taking her medicine as she should, nor eating or drinking properly. Bipolar disorder is one of those conditions that convinces the sufferer that they don’t have a problem, so they stop taking the medicine. My mother suffered one hospital stay after another when I was growing up due to this. As my siblings and I had to take over more and more of her daily care, we made ourselves responsible for her medication. Although she still had hospitalizations for other physical issues, her emergency trips to the psychiatric ward were geatly diminished.
She sounds as if she is in the depressive side of the disorder now which could lead to the manic. If you have never experienced a full blown Bipolar episode, just picture a behavior-affecting UTI times 10! You want to avoid this for her and for your household.
Of course you want to give your mother respect and autonomy, but I suspect she moved in with you because she needed help. Her medication and food and water intake are the help she needs. After her geriatric doctor appointments you could blame it on them. “The doctor says I need to monitor your medicine (cwillie’s suggestion of daily pill boxes will help you keep up). The doctor says you have to drink lots of water with this medicine. The doctor says this medicine needs to be taken on a full stomach, etc.” Most of these medications are given in the morning and in late afternoon, so you would probably be available to administer them.
Yes, she is not aware of how her Bi- Polar really effects her. She has always had it, thus the "it has always been this way" explaination. The only thing it can't monitor is if she swallows them.
I suggest bottles of water & small juice boxes in a cooler bedside. I get large bear shaped container of Animal Crackers, and stock Protien & breakfast bars to eat so I have something starchy on my stomach before taking meds that should be taken on a full stomach.
Instant oatmeal, mashed potatoes are also great "full stomach foods".
I too get migraines. Wish I had someone to assist when I get one, because they can be debilitating.
36 hours in bed is extreme depression. Then suddenly Right as Rain, is low level manic episode. She needs to have her medication levels closely monitored.
It appears you are aware that dehydration can cause terrible headaches, so you need to stay ahead of it. Your MIL knows nothing different. You might need to hire a helper to come in to help with meals and medication monitoring. Get someone with a gentle touch and familiar/experienced with her ailments!
At 30 the body is more resilient to periods without food or enough water. Age compounds these effects. Feeling too sick to move, or get up and cook, prepare food, clear your dishes, get to the bathroom....no matter the ailments... having someone keep you fed and hydrated, and on schedule with your meds makes your health and quality of life much better.
I do not have bipolar, but have been very restricted by other health issues. I am also a retired Mental Health Counselor, so I have seen the negative effect if pandering to the belief system of the person with this illness can have.
She may still isolate, but she has a fighting chance to have a better quality of life if she is monitored and given assistance she needs.
Mom popped out of her room and was 'right as rain' today -- the same as she did the last time (the day after Christmas). We talked it over, as she was in a fairly good state of mind. She said that she had been getting up to take her tiny dog out when the dog needed to go. She indicated that this is just what she does sometimes, and there's no cause for alarm. She also agreed that we need to have a way to tell when she is in distress vs when she's just resting.
I guess there may come a time when leaving her alone to rest will have been the wrong thing to do -- but until then, it seems like the right thing to do.
I will talk to her about how I can monitor her medications, which she keeps in a pill-box with am/pm compartments. And I'll take her some coffee in the morning if she hasn't gotten up, and some tea and broth in the afternoon and evening, so she stays hydrated and knows she hasn't been forgotten. She seems happy with that.
I can completely understand where you are coming from with your concerns.
In my opinion your mom is living under your roof now and she should probably start sharing her life with you however that said when I took care of my mom whom had a terrible form of Demita I sat her down and talked to her. She finally agreed to let me in. When someone you love has bipolar there’s a lot of give and take. Meaning they dish it out while you sit back and take the hit ( per say) so it’s extremely important that your mom take ALL her medicine on time every day. If she misses her meds she may have an episode that could be ugly. You need to sit down with your mom and tell her how you feel. She’s living with you so in my opinion you have every right to make sure she’s okay. I mean give her space but just politely knock on her door and she if she needs anything. This is what I did and it worked.
As for when you have to go back to work I would try to get Homecare started. She may qualify for assistance. Call her insurance company and find out if you can get a Homecare aide to come in to assist her with her needs. Homecare aides can do so much for her. They can help her with bathing/ toileting (if needed) or just anything that involves the general actives of daily living ( ADL). This also involves medication reminders. The aides can’t touch the meds but can remind your mom too take them and write down the time she did. Aides can also provide companionship to your mom so she won’t feel lonely. They can also cook, clean do your mom’s laundry and so many other things. If your mom qualifies this will help you while you are at work. You have enough on your plate right now. If it were me I would look into this. Your mom may not want anyone at first but ask her to give it a trial run. These Homecare agencies are there to help but you need to do some homework before you just pick anybody. Ask the department of aging for a referral for your area. Pick a aqency that has good ratings and ask around. You can even ask her insurance company.
Bipolor disorder is nothing to mess with. It’s a terrible diagnosis to have. It’s very manageable with medication but when one starts to miss thier doses this disease can show its ulgy head. I really hope you can come to an agreement with your mom. I hope she will let you into her life. It’s going to be a struggle I believe. However don’t give up keep pushing it will pay off in the long run. The bond between a mother and daughter is priceless. These are the days now that matter the most. Try to make the best of each day given. It’s really all you can do now. She needs you more than she thinks she does.
I wish you well and keep the Homecare in mind. Going this route may ease your mind somewhat. 🙏🏻💕
Even with a respected agency I had one person storm out after 8 minutes and another threaten to leave 5 times. Agencies appreciate instant feedback. Sometimes it was 😀😀😀😀😀, with new worker, after long email about bad worker.
You can audit the responses based on her emotional state, but this will give her a better feeling of Control over her care & life! That her input is sought and respected.
I hope the adjustment period passes, and your mom gets back to enjoying her elder years.
Cynthia
1. Get a 7-day pill box and fill it at the beginning of each week for her. Then you can track what is really taken, and bring it to her at the end of the day if she has not.
2. Fill a large water bottle at the beginning of each day. If she likes it cold, she may also drink more if you make it ice-water. If you can get her in the habit of that being her go-to place to drink water, you now have something you can monitor.
Good luck!