I’m so unhappy.
I have a mom who’s mentally fit. Tested many times by doctor: she’s mentally healthy.
I have one brother whom my mom adores. He does nothing to help. I help my elderly mom. I don’t live with her.
I have minimum contact with her. She’s very mean to me. Today she went beyond any previous limit of meanness: she falsely accused me of stealing her money and denying her access to her own money. It’s all false.
My brother calls her once a year to say “hi”. Today, in front of me, while I helped her with errands, she called my brother to falsely accuse me. He believed her (he’s mean too). I told him it’s not true and I showed him the bank statements. He saw it’s not true.
I can’t believe how badly I’m treated compared to my brother.
I guess some people can shrug off false accusations. I can too. But it got me angry that she falsely accused me to my brother and that he believed it. I guess I shouldn’t care what he thinks. But I prefer to quickly clear my name, to quickly set things right, so I immediately showed the bank statements.
How do you deal with such nasty behavior?
Thanks in advance.
I guess you just reduce contact to almost nothing. Anyway, I’m angry.
Sorry for this, but I need to express it this way. This is how I feel: !>,~^+=*%%%%}{{][]~>€€!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edit:
someone replied:
“If she is not having mental issues or dementia, then I would 100% blow her off.”
She definitely doesn’t have dementia. No memory trouble. Not a single strange mental thought. She lied to try to make me look bad.
Your mom mentally fit? Pfft!
What you've described is toxic behavior. No need to wonder why, no need to look for motives. Ultimately, it makes no difference. Lying is immoral, wrong, toxic, poisonous. Protect yourself by going no or low contact. If circumstance throws you together, practice "gray rock" around her. If you don't know what gray rock, is, do a search here or an online search; you'll find plenty of information.
You can't change your mom but you can change how you respond to her toxicity.
OK, true confession time. I have played this game. Where you keep thinking, it’s not that bad, you go through the whole bunch of scenarios in your head where it could’ve been different, where you made the slightest error and so it must be all your fault, that you have to be the good daughter, the good sibling, the good moral person who puts up with this behavior, etc. etc. I could go on and on. I was, and you are, lying to thyself.
Stop it! When I did get to the end of my rope I did cut it off and walked away but a lot of damage had been done in my heart, soul and mind. and for nothing. My bad for letting it go on so long. Lol! I just put myself down again. I gotta forgive myself and let it go. Very slippery slope that habit of blaming yourself for everything.
So again I say stop it! heed our good advice & get help. find the grit to walk away and reach out in your soul to God to help you and to the healthy relationships you DO know that exist. The work is up to you but you can do it. Think about the energy you spend putting up with a negative relationship. You have that same energy to turn and make it go down a new street to help yourself. In itself it proves you’re strong enough to do it - just push it in the right direction. You are worth it. And God WILL help you, trust and believe, and let others support you on your forward journey. ☺️
That said, I don't know when your mother was last tested for cognitive impairment, or if she was given the PROPER tests FOR cognitive impairment, but false accusations of "stealing her money and denying her access to her own money" is a CLASSIC sign of dementia and/or someone who is having mental health issues. Let me ask you a question: who in her right mind would say such a thing to her son if she didn't believe it to be true? Knowing you could pull statements to prove her wrong, right on the spot? A person with cognitive deficits would do such a thing, that's who.
So you can believe that your mother definitely doesn't have dementia, no memory trouble, and not a single strange mental thought going through her head. I believe otherwise or she wouldn't be accusing you of something SO easily provable. People in good mental health and w/o cognitive impairment don't do such things. They find OTHER ways to be mean where they don't wind up being shown up as horse's arses in short order. Mean people's ego's don't like such things.
In any event, why are you so insistent on helping for and caring for a mother who thinks the sun rises & sets on her son and thinks you're a thief? I would tell her, mother, the next time you treat me like crap, I'm OUT of here and not coming back until you issue me a formal apology and MEAN it. And then I'll look at my schedule to see IF I have time to squeeze you in.
Mean people, dementia or no dementia, need to be told to sit down and shut up or else they continue steam rolling over you like dirt under their shoes. But their Golden Boys can do no wrong, even when they do NOTHING for their mothers at all. That's the way it goes, unfortunately. So it's up to YOU how much time you choose to spend with the woman. Look into hiring helpers for her, on HER dime, of course, to do for her what you've been doing for free. She may then decide to appreciate all you DO do for her.
Good luck.
The bold statements come from what she says. I can’t know her internal thoughts. I was referring to the thoughts she expresses. She doesn’t express any strange thoughts. She’s been given several tests by neurologists, etc. Most recently, last week. Cognitive tests, scans, full body check. She doesn’t have dementia.
She’s healthy, but can’t walk. Amputated legs.
The purpose of her lie - even though it can be disproved - is to cause me trouble. She knew she was lying. It was intentional.
I had to spend time, go to the bank, print out the bank statements (she prefers not online). I had to quarrel with my brother. She enjoys all of it. She’s mean.
My brother is also mean. (He’s in a way disappointed that I’m honest; that the bank statements are fine. It would have given him pleasure to see I’m doing something wrong: that I’m not, after all, the nice one helping).
”In any event, why are you so insistent on helping for and caring for a mother who thinks the sun rises & sets on her son and thinks you're a thief”
This is indeed a good question. There are two people in the house.
My mom lives with her sister (also elderly) (also housebound). The sister can walk. She’s just frail.
My aunt has always been kind to me. I don’t want to abandon her either.
If I abandon my mom, it means I abandon my aunt. They want to live together. They’re a package deal.
My aunt knows my mom is mean to me. She tries to correct my mom, but it doesn’t work.
Step back. Be unavailable. Say, "I can't possibly do that."
Let mom and Aunt (who don't have dementia and who are so terribly competent) figure out how to get help.
They might ask brother. They might hire folks. They might ask NICELY if you would help set up care.
What I would NOT do is lift a finger for your "mother" as long as she abuses or bad-mouths you.
The minute that starts say, "Oops, gotta go".
And leave.
Every time.
“Step back. Be unavailable. Say, "I can't possibly do that."”
I agree with this strategy. I’ve already started doing it.
“What I would NOT do is lift a finger for your "mother" as long as she abuses or bad-mouths you.
The minute that starts say, "Oops, gotta go".
And leave.
Every time.”
This is a good idea. I haven’t done that every single time, because it’ll affect my aunt if I don’t help out. But I should try that every time.
No mental issues. You’re right I should blow her off. I can’t completely abandon her, however. I mean, I can. But I don’t think I should completely abandon.
If you Google the aging Narcissist you’ll find some interesting info. Generally they’ll pull you into something you can’t win, like trying to get gum off your shoe it only gets worse the more you mess with it.
It’s how they entertain themselves when life slows down and there is not as much supply as the old days.
Unless you want to deal with even more of a future train wreck, that account(s) needs to be changed so that each of the Sisters have their own unique bank accounts. No more commingling of financials. If your mom needs to pay her share of utilities or pay rent to her Sister, mom does this and those checks get deposited into you Aunties bank account. If you want to stay a part of this drama, then they allow you to be a signatory on both accounts and they both do the accounts as POD (pay on death) to you. Having it be POD will come in handy to deal with after death immediate costs, like funeral floral expenses (not covered in preneed policies).
who are their POAs?
Your Aunt is nice & it’s her home that your mom lives in right?
So does Auntie have her own kids? and are they involved in her life? so that when the inevitable happens and she needs a higher level of care than can ever be done in her home, her kids will be there to deal with all this? Or will this be on you?
Whatever the case, having a joint account means that the $ in it can be considered to be all the assets of 1 of them should 1 of them ever need to file for an “at need” program like care in a NH (LTC Medicaid program).
They are both housebound, frail and elderly, right? Your mom is double amputee as well, right? Realistically they are 1 good fall from breaking a hip, going to the ER, being hospitalized and then discharged to rehab in a SNF/NH and then determined to be unable to go back to the home as unable to do the minimal ADL (activities of daily living) needed to return to the old home. Unless they each have significant $ (each has 200K+), the one in rehab/NH will end up filing for LTC Medicaid. Medicaid will look at the $ in their joint accounts as being available entirely to the one now “at need” in a NH. In order to be eligible for LTC Medicaid, it’s a max of $ 2,000 allowed to stay in the old bank accounts. Someone- Auntie or Mom - will get screwed big time financially.
Say account has $98,765 in it. & say its your mom who has a bad accident and who now needs to be in a SNF. That 98k is just as much all her $ as it is your Aunts. Before mom could ever be eligible for LTC Medicaid, Medicaid is going to fully expect mom to do a spend down of $96,765 as LTC Medicaid has a maximum of $2,000 in nonexempt assets allowed. By the accounts being commingled, the $ can be considered to be all be available to 1 of them without a division. The commingling & Co ownership needs to stop.
So you went to the bank recently right? Gather together what you can on past 3 months of their banking and go and sit with a bank officer to discuss how to segregate the accounts and what a paperwork needed and what path could be the simplest to take. Whomever is their POA really should be doing this, but if that’s not you but you have been doing their banking with no problems now for years, it will be ok. Your not trying to take $ for yourself but segregating their income and assets so it better reflects the correct % of ownership. It may be est that that the old account stays the same in Aunts name (I bet she’s the one whose $ it mainly is, am I rite?) but your mom opens a new one that gets her SS income and any other retirements she gets.
At some point something is going to happen and unless they each has a ton of $, LTC Medicaid will get filed for. Please please do what you can now to make the 5 yr financial lookback make sense for what their own assets actually are without commingling.
Let me clarify some things. My mom and aunt are mentally competent. They don’t want to have separate bank accounts. I can’t force them. I’m POA for both. My aunt has no children. The house is co-owned by them.
They have a lot of funds. There will be no Medicaid in the future.
How do you help her?
Your brother calls once a year? How far away does he live?
What do you plan to do when your mother needs more help? I hope you do NOT intend to become her caregiver.
If your mother favors your brother so much and she has assets, are you sure she doesn't have him listed as her sole beneficiary? How would you feel about that?
(If it were me, I'd cut off all contact, and tell her that she can call Brother Dearest for anything she needs.)
I help with errands. She is housebound.
I’ll organize caregivers for her. My brother can’t be bothered to organize it. My mother is Italian. Doesn’t speak English. This is why I’ll help organize the caregivers.
My brother lives 5 minutes away. I live 2 hours away.
I have seen the will. We are equal beneficiaries.
I’m tempted to cut her off. But on the other hand, I don’t want to totally abandon. It’s not a light decision to go totally no contact.
As long as you continue to put up with her abuse, you are unconsciously telling her that you are okay with her behavior towards you. Therefore, there is no reason for her to change her behavior towards you.
I think you have 2 options since I’m assuming you’ve already gathered the courage to give her timely feedback when she does something you do not like: 1) get help from a professional therapist to guide you through a change 2) give her a warning of 2 or 3 more times of potential no contact, then go no contact for say 2 months. If it happens again, extend no contact for 3 months.
Before you do option #2, please talk it over with your brother so that he understands what you are doing and why. He doesn’t have to agree with it, he just needs to know why you are doing it and what you are going to do.
If she totally is fine in all health, then she should be able to swim in the ocean of life without biting the hand that is trying to help her.
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