My father (65) has LBD and was diagnosed 2yrs ago. He seems to have accepted and gone through the grief of the initial diagnosis and subsequent loss of his ability to drive. For the past year his mental health did suffer greatly and he's since found the correlation with Prozac so now weaned himself of that.
Problem is, he now thinks he's fine and will be home and happy "for at least the next ten years". He's always been quite condescending and selfish so trying to suggest AL let alone MC is impossible, he refuses to have "someone in his house that will steal his stuff" and "I might be a bit slow but I'm not dead yet" and expects me to be his caregiver (I'm in another country for a start).
I’m going to visit him soon and know his main goldfish question (repeated every 3hrs) will be "when can you move here?" and don't know how to tell him that his reality is- that he will likely be in MC within 3 years if he's lucky (and I can get him to actually do some exercise- he sits in front of TV most of the day).
I can’t seem to make him understand that I cannot mentally handle moving countries and all that entails to look after him when he triggers my own issues because of his anger and condescension.
I fear his anger issues are only going to get worse too and, he will hurt his wife who is a superhero but at her wits end trying to keep him placated, fed and watered whilst still working 60hrs a week.
How does one approach these delicate conversations with a LO/parent who is like a ticking time bomb?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Visit. Keep the conversation light. Refuse to discuss his future plans. Tell him firmly that you WILL NOT move to his country and let him stew about that. What happens to him is up to him and his wife, of whom you should be as supportive as possible. But that doesn't mean moving in so you can help.
You seem to be involved in his life to a degree that may not be wise. Here's what I read in your post:
**don't know how to tell him that his reality is...that he will likely be in MC within 3 years (don't discuss, you don't know what course disease will take)
**and I can get him to actually do some exercise (not your job)
**I can’t seem to make him understand (he can't because of his dementia)
**cannot mentally handle moving countries and all that entails to look after him (why must you explain when a simple "No" will do?)
**I fear his anger issues are only going to get worse (you're prognosticating and can't fix it anyway; his wife and doctor can deal with that issue)
**he will hurt his wife (again, prognosticating; you can't stop him anyway whether you move in with him or not, and if he does, she calls 911 because that is NEVER okay, LBD or not)
This is, for sure, a really difficult situation for dad and wife. They should be the ones driving the bus. You're a kind and caring person, but back off from dad. Offer to stay with him for a long day while stepmom gets out and does something recreational. Or keep him busy while she visits memory care facilities so she can be prepared if that's what's needed.
Good luck to you in this challenging situation.
As far as getting him ready for the hell he is descending into, leave it alone, you will have more problems trying to convince him then you need. Prepare yourself and let him live his reality as he chooses.
Make sure that his wife has all of her/their ducks in a row in case the time comes when she can no longer care for him in the home, and he will need to be placed.
If your father wants to live in denial over his situation(who can blame him)let him, but just make sure that you and his wife are in full understanding about this horrific disease of dementia and make plans accordingly.
And just FYI, there will come a day soon when your father will NOT be able to be left alone at home while his wife works 60 hours a week. She needs to get his care figured out sooner than later, and NO that care doesn't and shouldn't include you.
Blessings to you and your family as you take this final journey with your father.
His superhero wife is not his caregiver if she's working 60 hours a week. He'll have no other choice but to go into Skilled Nursing care or Memory Care Assisted Living if he has a crisis, and his wife will have to manage that move, not you. She can call 911 or the police if his anger issues escalate.
Tell dad you'll move when you can, but not now. Repeat as needed.
Best of luck to you.
The useful part was that they tried different things; they ended up focusing on the positive; things she had always wanted to do, reassurance from her family, instead of going into "you have a damaged brain" and the associated grief and loss.
I hope.this is helpful in some way.
You can not convince him of anything.
Just keep telling him you are not going to move.
You need to tell his wife (I am guessing your step mom) that she needs to protect herself. If at anytime he becomes violent (common for LBD) that she needs to call 911.
You will not convince your dad of anything. Mainly because you cant easily change the mind of someone that has dementia but also it sounds like he is the stubborn sort much like my Husband was.
You need to also convince his wife that when his care is no longer SAFE for her to keep him at home or when it is no longer safe for HIM for her to care for him she needs to make the difficult decision to place him in Care NOT A.L.
Dad is a hard headed, unrealistic, selfish man. Ignore his questions. His wife knows what she has coming, she will need the support, not him.
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