My dad, now 87, has been living with my husband and our children and I for the last 18 years. (He is still very independent, so assisted living is not an option). He has always been very stubborn and prideful, and was physically and emotionally abusive when I was a child. As an adult, he and I had a fairly decent relationship (mostly because I shoved a lot of the trauma down) and he was almost 70 and dealing with a few health problems when we invited him to live with us. It has not been easy, but not the worst experience. We have been frustrated that for the last 12 of the 18 years, he has not paid rent, as we agreed upon when we purchased a house with an inlaw apartment. We've been willing to overlook that, but recently he has been incredibly emotionally abusive to our 13 year old son...accusing him of stealing things, interrogating him like he's a criminal, and then refusing to back off even after we find the things wherever he has misplaced them. All of his anger and yelling has stirred up so much of my trauma, and I won't let him do that to our kids. My husband and I both agree that he needs to go. Unfortunately, he has burned almost every bridge in our family because of his anger and pridefulness. None of my siblings are willing to take him in, and financially he really cannot afford anything. I am struggling with extreme guilt over "kicking out" my 87 year old dad, but I also know he's not going to change, and we can't have him in our home anymore. I just don't know what to do.
Yes you do -- you just don't want to experience his anger and the probable struggle over it. But there's no easy way around it, you have to go through it. Knowing it's coming will help you to get a spine and do it for yourself and your family -- who are your priority, fyi -- and not your jerk father.
You don't owe him anything, not even being "polite" about moving him out. So, there will be no "asking" him. He'll say no and you know this.
He seems to be sliding into dementia based upon the symptoms you described.
I think you should use a therapeutic fib: that the house is about to undergo some "major repair work" and they will be shutting off essential utilities and "everyone" needs to live elsewhere while this is happening.
You don't tell him anything. You find him a facility (I personally don't think he's IL material anymore... maybe AL) and you pack up his stuff and tell him it's his "temporary" apartment. He won't like it but too bad. Make sure he's the one paying for it with his own funds.
If he can't afford it, and you are not his PoA, please clarify this so we can give you alternative advice.
Also, have you ever considered therapy for your lack of boundaries with this man? Just because he's your bio father doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with him. If he doesn't have anyone else, who's fault is that? NOT YOURS, He's getting what he cultivated throughout his life, And he'd have had a lot less if he hadn't succeeded in grooming his victim: you.
You TELL him that he needs to leave your home , just like you would tell any other person behaving like him towards your child .
He was also abusive to you as a child .
You owe him nothing . Nor should he have ever been allowed to move in with you all these years .
You may have to go to a lawyer to get him evicted . You can not have him around your child . If Dad lands unhoused on the streets, so be it . Your child comes first over a lifelong abusive father . Your siblings had the right idea not taking him in.
Call your local Agency of Aging as well . Get a social worker involved who can help Dad navigate Medicaid etc .
And stop saying Dad has too much pride . He’s a bully , plain and simple .
I know it's a scary thing to go though and actually do. But think how scary he is to your children. You've been way more than generous -- for 18 years!!! Rely on your husband to have your back and stand up to him with you. And please get some counseling if you can, because this will be difficult and bring up past trauma. But you can do it. Let us know how it's going.
If he does not move out you must LEGALLY evict him.
Why feel guilt about asking someone that is abusing your child to vacate the premises?
You may need to start the eviction process.
Give him info on senior housing or Section 8.
I hope you feel strong enough to start making some positive changes for you and your family soon.
1) Find out about his finances. He must have some income, and he’s not spending it on you. What income does he have? What does he spend it on? Does he drink or gamble? Has he applied for all the payments he might be entitled to? What savings does he have? Can he afford AL, even if just for a short time? Understanding this is important for your to understand, and for interactions with any ‘powers that be’.
2) Get the paperwork for eviction, which probably takes a month to take effect. Get them ready.
3) Drop him off at a homeless shelter after a yelling fit, at you or your children. At the same time, serve the evection papers on the way, and take copies to the shelter.
4) Chances are that you will be forced to take him back until the month is up. However the eviction papers will make it clear that he is shortly going to be homeless, to the shelter staff and anyone else he talks to. It should also be very sobering for him, especially if he over-nights at the shelter.
5) When and if he is deposited back on your doorstep until the eviction month kicks in, stay out of his way as much as possible. Leave him with enogh food in tins, the fridge or the freezer, and phone numbers for delivery purchases. Keep evidence. If you go away, get someone else to visit to make sure that he is not trashing the place.
6) To get through this, you MUST get over the ‘extreme guilt’. He has a lot to feel guilty about (like paying no rent and sponging off you), and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Giving him the options set out above is as much as the Bible requires for ‘honor thy father and thy mother that their days may be long in the land which the Lord giveth thee’. ‘Honor’ is about respect (and food helps too), but not about being a punching bag.
it’s my experience when my husband finally spoke up to my father. He was very abusive when he would come to visit us for a few days. My husband telling him he was no longer welcome if he continued to behave that way, he finally respected the boundaries of our home.
at 87, if you put your dad out in any of the ways that people have mentioned, you will have to deal with your own guilt over the situation. Since he really is a end of life, you may wanna reconsider boundaries boundaries boundaries
it does sound like the early signs of dementia, but he may be able to understand boundaries set by your husband. Get down get down.
If he has dementia and it's very likely he does, things will only get worse the longer he stays. If he's otherwise healthy, the OP and her family could be stuck in this situation for years. He needs to go.
And yes, you draw boundaries, you don't expect him to keep them, but YOU keep them, and if that means you tell the man who was abusive to you and is becoming abusive to your child that he needs to move out, then you do that.
Can you video his encounters with your child so that you have proof of verbal abuse in case you need it?
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You've given much of the last 15 years or so giving him a home and help, and what you are now getting in return is unacceptable. I hope you find the answers you need soon.
Moving him out of your house cannot involve anything even resembling you "asking" him about it. There's no choice involved here. He's leaving. You and your husband have to sit down with him and TELL him that he's moving out. Be kind, but also demanding. Let him know that you both will help him find a decent place, but that living with you is no longer an option.
From how you describe him here, no doubt he will put up a fight. Let him. Have him served with eviction if you have to. Since he doesn't pay rent most states will force him to vacate in 30 days.
It wouldn't hurt to contact APS too and see if they can help you out with some resources in the community that can help get your father moved out and into AL or a senior community.
OR
Find an assisted living apartment as it does sound like he's got dementia kicking in.
When notified availability, send your son off to a friend or relative's house so he doesn't hear the tantrum and abuse that is sure to follow. BOTH you and husband tell (not ask) this is the plan. Call 911 if he becomes abusive. It's water under the bridge to look back at the mistake of housing him for 18 years. The blow up will be unpleasant but so worth it to have a peaceful home.
Hopefully it won't come to this. If his legal residence is the OP's home they can't just start moving his stuff out. He will have to be served with eviction and given a date by the housing court for when he has to be out by. Or he will have to be declared an incompetent, vulnerable adult and the court will appoint a conservator/guardian or POA to make his decisions. Then he can be moved out without going through the eviction process.
Please spare us all another sermon and the ridiculous arbitrary figure of how many time's the father needs to repent.
Here's the gospel according to BurntCaregiver who's Jewish but has seen every family dynamic there is and dealt with old people for many years and still doing so.
An 87-year old person ain't going to change their ways at their age. Especially one with a lifetime of selfishness and abusive behavior towards his family. The OP's father isn't going to start being a good dad and granddad at his age.
The only way for this family to preserve their sanity and their home is to get him out. That probably won't happen without a fight, so they should prepare for one.
However, from what you have written, I do believe that he is developing dementia, in which case medical people should be involved. He needs an assessment and probably treatment for his paranoid behaviour. He certainly needs to be out of your home ASAP.
You might consider talking to your own dr about the situation as it is affecting your health and (s)he may be able to bring in some resources to properly place your dad. My mother was life long emotionally abusive due to Borderline Personality Disorder. I was her POA and would never have taken her into my home. Nonetheless, as she developed dementia. finding the way through to proper care for her was not easy. I found it helped greatly once the right medical people were involved - in our case a geriatric psychiatrist and a social worker.
Wishing you the best. I know this is not easy.
He must have saved money from not paying rent. Don't feel sorry for him. Why should anyone take in an elderly deadbeat? He has to apply for Medicaid and get himself an AL facility or whatever. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You don't "ask" this guy to leave, you tell him he is going to leave. If he suddenly offers to PAY rent, tell him to save that for where he goes. Don't fall for it.
It seems since he has gotten away with living off you free for over a decade, he now thinks it's OK to harass your 13 yr old son? Time to get a family lawyer and evict him. Get him all the info he needs from your county to help him find housing and GET HIM SERVED with a 30 day notice. Not paying rent is a good enough reason, period. Refuse to discuss it further. Just say 18 years is long enough.
Break the cycle of abuse and get your son therapy for what he’s endured so far. All the best to you.
Please schedule an appointment for your Dad see a gariatric physician AND a geriatric psychiatrist. Both will be important to assist in your Dad's healthcare, document the stages of his dementia, prescribe medication(s), and guide you on how to deal with your Dad's behaviors. They should provide resources for placing your dad into appropriate housing (be it low income, longterm care, assisted living, etc.). This is an important team to have for your Dad, as well to help you both navigate his physical and mental health.
It is important to talk to your Dad's care team in regard to transferring him out of your home. However, I do agree, it is NOT a good idea to keep him in your home.
As his dementia advances, if he remains unmedicated, his behaviors (agression, aggitation, paranoia, lack of bathing, lack of cleaning, confusion, lack of eating, lack of selfcare, etc.) Will continue to grow. Allowing this will be a disservice by releasing him on his own. If he is medicated and attending his appointments, he will be more successful being on his own.
I will address one at a time.
- Your father's anger and accusations of stealing things he has misplaced is common with forms of dementia. Still, you have a right to protect your children from that behavior, which is probably very upsetting for them. And to protect yourself from your own trauma being triggered.
- You are concerned that he cannot financially afford to move, however there is low-income housing for seniors and disabled which he could apply for, although sometimes there is a wait for available housing. I would check into that first, to alleviate your concerns, and while you're at it, see if he is eligible for Medicaid assistance. Get Dad assessed by a neurologist, or his primary doctor, and if he has a dementia diagnosis, he might be suited for placement in a memory care facility.
- It's honestly not your problem or your responsibility to worry about how he will live on his own. But, I understand your feeling of guilt. You invited him to live with you, which he has done now for 18 years. He had the expectation that this would last indefinitely. Now you've changed your mind. It will be a surprise to him (he likely doesn't recognize how his behavior is affecting your family) and he hasn't prepared for this eventuality.
I think given that this has been his home for 18 years, at your invitation, you should expect to approach the subject with understanding and compassion. He's being kicked out of his home. This wouldn't be easy for anyone. Be prepared for him to be angry and upset.
Try and have a calm discussion with him, telling him the reason this living arrangement isn't working out for your family. Walk away before getting into a heated argument. Let him be angry. Offer suggestions to help him get settled elsewhere.
- If you really can't face this, or your approach doesn't work, as a last resort, you can call 911 when is having an angry outburst, and tell the police your family feels threatened and unsafe. Insist they take him away for a mental evaluation, and then take your next steps with that information. Do not allow him to be returned to your home. A doctor can refer him to a care facility, if warranted. If he is mentally capable, and physically independent, then he can find himself a place to live just like an adult should.
As you sow, so shall you reap. His life is of his own making. Burning bridges with family, and being financially unprepared is his own doing.
Although, I think you do owe him a little bit of leeway, since you did allow him to live with you for this long, and now he's 87. He didn't think he had to prepare for this.
If your father stopped paying rent 12 years ago, where has that money gone?
I assume he must have some sort of income, at least SS. Was he paying you out of savings that ran out? Has he been squirreling away money? Does he buy extra food, cigarettes, booze, gamble?
Hopefully, he has been saving some of that money, setting aside for a rainy day. It's now raining. And he can use it to find somewhere else to live.
Although, I really think it's time for him to be in assisted living, memory care, or a nursing home. He's showing signs of dementia. And it will only get worse.
Also start looking for facilities…assisted living that transitions to memory care. You’ve done a commendable job up to now..it’s time for a change..help him to go onward and forward. No eviction papers..that’s crazy…he couldn’t handle that paperwork now..& he would absolutely end up on street as homeless person. The job of taking care of him will be harder as it has begun..good luck! Hugs 🤗
* call 911 when he rants and have LEO take him to ER for mental health evaluation
* Office of Aging for senior income based housing.
Abusing their 13 yr old son is a hard NO. Her kindness has been repaid with mean SOB. He has to go, ASAP. M