I'm the primary caregiver for my elderly mom. I have two siblings. We currently have a 24 hr live in aide and mom can no longer afford this arrangement. After looking at all options, it's best for her to go into an ALF. She can afford the rent with the money from the sale of the house for about 4 years vs 3 months more of the live in aide. She's running out of liquid cash very quickly. My siblings do not know anything about her detail health as they never talk to any of her doctors or go to appointments. They depend on all that info from me. I've been estranged from one of my siblings for a few years now due to issues with my mother. It's a complicated mess and they are both toxic and my mother is as well. I've researched, toured and set up a move in date for her to go to a beautiful apartment in a ALF. All I've gotten is grief. It's not the end of the world and they all need to accept that this is the best option for her and help to make her see it that way by offering some positive thoughts to the whole process. Over the years when I've asked for help with her or for them to visit more frequently or take her for a holiday I was insulted, called a martyr you name it. Now they still have the audacity to say that they are tired of me controlling the whole show. I've told them I'd be happy to hand the whole thing over to either one of them in a heartbeat but haha no way they're taking the bait. So now they want to wait to tell her she 'may' have to sell her house and move. I'm disgusted and drained. I've given this my all. She needs to know asap that she's going to be moving and I wanted to minimize the gory details of what needs to follow with the house once she settles into the ALF. I guess I'm looking for support on here since I'm not getting any from them. This is affecting my life in a very unhealthy way. How do I get them to see that the way they're acting is not right? This isn't a privilege it's a burden!
Your sibs do not want to face reality of placing mom because it could likely mean the end of their inheritance. That won't change. They have made their wishes known, you are going to have to move forward without their support. You will find support on this site, WE GET IT!
Has the facility completed an assessment of mom? Do you have Powers of Attorney? Has mom been declared incompetent so that the POA's are in effect?
Best wishes for you and mom on this journey.
Next, it is a hard truth but your siblings have no moral, ethical, legal or familial obligation to provide care for your mom. You can't force them. They obviously don't want do. You will need to let go of this expectation. It's fine if you wish to voluntarily do it, but you can't make them do anything. But you also need to maybe consider that they see you as the Bossy Pants and their opinions don't count, anyway. If you would have kept them in the loop all along and asked for their input and gave transparency, maybe they'd have a different attitude...maybe not. This is the strategy we used in our blended family of my husband's bio and step siblings: we had conference calls with a pre-set agenda and allowed for all opinions to be expressed while those who were providing the daily care posted info about doc appointments, outcomes, costs, discussions with social workers, etc. Yes, it was "more" work up front but even if they didn't want to be involved they could not come back to the group and say, "I didn't know" such and such. The ones who lived out of town offered to pay for services since they could't provide the help themselves, and we continued to send out brief, regular email updates that were either FYI, Please read today, URGENT NEED INPUT ASAP, etc. We made it easy for them to participate. Maybe you've done this, so I go back to saying re-adjust your expectations of them ever helping. I wish you much wisdom and clarity in choosing to deal with them, and peace in your heart if they bow out.
How come?
Talk to your mom about an ALF. Get her alignment with you on those plans. All you need to do then is inform your siblings of your mother's wishes, and tell them you will facilitate on behalf of your mother. You could tell them you know they are busy, so you can handle it, and see if they will agree to a pre-determined weekly check point where you can give them ongoing updates on your mom's plans. The idea with this is that you minimize their interaction (i.e., unhelpful chaos) and they still feel like they are in the loop. While minimizing that, you find other avenues that are helpful for helping with your mom's plans such as perhaps a referral from a PCP, senior services locally, or web searches.
When this affects your life in unhealthy ways, it is time to change the action plan. Do what you need to take care of yourself. Wishing you clarity on the best path forward for you.