Hello~I am having a difficult personal inner struggle with moving 85yr old Alzheimer’s mom into assisted living. She recently scored 5/30 at neurologist’s appointment. Dr said it’s time to move mom cried saying “I can’t believe you are doing this to me “. Heels are dug in to stay at home. Have home care Monday Wednesday Friday 10-3 and Tuesday Thursday 10-1. She is talking good when I call her and wants her glider put out on her patio. She wants to stay in her home that she built with dad. Eventually when 24/7 care is needed, staying at home won’t be affordable. I already evaluated 3 assisted living facilities and chose one. How do I do this to her? My heart is aching and I’m in tears.
Don't let her self pity discourage you from where she needs to be in order to be safe.
Assisted Living means no cooking, housecleaning or laundry, for starters. It's not a prison or asylum. She still has her own place, privacy and professional medical staff working there. Get her on the Wait List, since it will be much harder as she gets worse.
My mother lived in AL for 5 years and loved it, then segued into Memory Care for the last 3 years of her life where her girls treated her beautifully.
Best of luck to you.
For the most part I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be in AL but in Memory Care. At least when it gets to the point where you are worried about whether or not she is safe to remain at home alone.
In an ideal world we could all remain in our homes until we die.
And 50 years ago that was possible in most cases. "Mom" was home, not working. Most of the time 1 or 2 sets of grandparents lived near by and could help with the kids or the "senile" one, the would keep tabs on the one that would wander, might expose himself, might shoplift, or try walking into a neighbors house. (and even if that happened the neighbor would probably offer coffee and call "mom" and tell her "I got grandpa Joe"
Well now "Mom" works, the kids have all sorts of activities, both sets of grandparents are 1500 miles away or dead and no one knows their neighbor and if you happened to wander into a neighbors house you may be shot or cops would be called and you would be charged maybe with trespassing or worse breaking and entering.
Long way to say your mom can't stay in her home.
Now if she listens to her doctor would she accept that she has to move to a place where she is safe and has 24/7 care?
The other side of this is with dementia she no longer has the capacity to determine what is safe for herself.
I do hope that you have POA for Health and Finances so that you can make these decisions for her. If not it might be to late but you can try to get an attorney that will determine that she knows what documents she is signing. They will interview her alone to make that determination so make the appointment for her "best" time of day.
On another point - you mention having found assisted living facilities but if your mom that dementia those may not be appropriate for very long, you need to be sure they will provide dementia related care or you will find yourself moving her again.