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Hello~I am having a difficult personal inner struggle with moving 85yr old Alzheimer’s mom into assisted living. She recently scored 5/30 at neurologist’s appointment. Dr said it’s time to move mom cried saying “I can’t believe you are doing this to me “. Heels are dug in to stay at home. Have home care Monday Wednesday Friday 10-3 and Tuesday Thursday 10-1. She is talking good when I call her and wants her glider put out on her patio. She wants to stay in her home that she built with dad. Eventually when 24/7 care is needed, staying at home won’t be affordable. I already evaluated 3 assisted living facilities and chose one. How do I do this to her? My heart is aching and I’m in tears.

Scoring only 5 out of 30 is not good. You rarely hear a Doctor say it's time to move her into a facility. It's not your fault she has gotten old and has dementia.

Don't let her self pity discourage you from where she needs to be in order to be safe.

Assisted Living means no cooking, housecleaning or laundry, for starters. It's not a prison or asylum. She still has her own place, privacy and professional medical staff working there. Get her on the Wait List, since it will be much harder as she gets worse.
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Reply to Dawn88
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It's harder for her because she has an emotional attachment to the house more so that it was built with dad. Even with the ALZs, she may see it as a piece of him being taken away.
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Reply to Beedevil66
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Sissy1221 7 hours ago
Exactly. That’s what makes it gut wrenching.
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Give her some time to settle in. After a while she will most likely enjoy the relationships with the staff and with the other residents her age, plus the activities and the nice meals. Stay strong. You're doing this for her safety and care.
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Reply to MG8522
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Memory Care Assisted Living is 100% the proper place for mom and you have zero reason to feel guilt. Grief certainly, but not guilt. The disease is the issue here, not you or the AL. "You" are doing nothing to her but your job of keeping her safe, fed, protected and clean. The disease is creating that need.

My mother lived in AL for 5 years and loved it, then segued into Memory Care for the last 3 years of her life where her girls treated her beautifully.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sissy1221 23 hours ago
Thank you so much. I’m hopeful she will adjust without any serious complications. She looked so sad and tiny today saying that none of her neighbors care about her. Well, I guess that’s about to change. I’m definitely feeling more determined and confident in doing this.
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You do what is necessary regardless of what mom thinks. You have to do what is best for everyone and for now that means placing a woman with a diagnosed issue where she will be safe and cared for. Of course she is not wanting to leave her home. Did you want to go to school and take math tests? No, but she made you do it anyway because it was best for you. Now it's your turn to do what is best, not what she wants.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Sissy1221 23 hours ago
Thank you very much for your words and perspective. Very helpful
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First I have to say this.
For the most part I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be in AL but in Memory Care. At least when it gets to the point where you are worried about whether or not she is safe to remain at home alone.

In an ideal world we could all remain in our homes until we die.
And 50 years ago that was possible in most cases. "Mom" was home, not working. Most of the time 1 or 2 sets of grandparents lived near by and could help with the kids or the "senile" one, the would keep tabs on the one that would wander, might expose himself, might shoplift, or try walking into a neighbors house. (and even if that happened the neighbor would probably offer coffee and call "mom" and tell her "I got grandpa Joe"
Well now "Mom" works, the kids have all sorts of activities, both sets of grandparents are 1500 miles away or dead and no one knows their neighbor and if you happened to wander into a neighbors house you may be shot or cops would be called and you would be charged maybe with trespassing or worse breaking and entering.
Long way to say your mom can't stay in her home.

Now if she listens to her doctor would she accept that she has to move to a place where she is safe and has 24/7 care?
The other side of this is with dementia she no longer has the capacity to determine what is safe for herself.
I do hope that you have POA for Health and Finances so that you can make these decisions for her. If not it might be to late but you can try to get an attorney that will determine that she knows what documents she is signing. They will interview her alone to make that determination so make the appointment for her "best" time of day.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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In order to make the move you need to establish exactly where that line in the sand is and what will trigger the change. If things are going okay for now perhaps you can delay a few weeks or months, setting a date before winter arrives (September?) will allow her one last summer. If that's impossible then you'll just have to be strong and move forward, unpleasant tasks and responsibilities are all part of life.
On another point - you mention having found assisted living facilities but if your mom that dementia those may not be appropriate for very long, you need to be sure they will provide dementia related care or you will find yourself moving her again.
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Reply to cwillie
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Sissy1221 Apr 26, 2026
Thank you so much for your reply. Dr and I originally set Aug 1st. The facility I liked best cure has a 1st floor one bedroom available May 1st (it does have memory care unit). My thought is to go ahead and secure it and take my time setting it up for her. I have her exact same bedroom set that I’m not using, so move that in to make it more looking like her home. Meanwhile, have her caregiver take her over there just for lunch, not mentioning move at all. Thinking slowly introducing her to the environment. Her birthday is mid June, so thinking late June/July saying just for a trial? Saying to her that it’s like a cruise ship vacation on land? There is no playbook/instructions for this. Meanwhile, I do believe she is showboating with me knowing that I’m the one who will be making her move. I definitely want her on the first floor and not sure if I should let this opportunity pass. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness in responding 💕
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