My widowed MIL, 82, was recently diagnosed with dementia. My husband of 44 years rarely calls her and only visits her about once every 3-6 months. She's a widow and other than him and his sister, there's no other close family nearby. We live in the same city, but his sister lives over an hour away. I feel that we should be more involved with her medical care, visiting her more, and helping her out. But he has zero interest in his mother's well-being and seems to have a lack of empathy for her. When I tell him that he should visit her, he says flat out that he "doesn't want to."
Quite frankly, I think it's cruel as she's all alone. In the past, she has occasionally said mean things to us, especially to me, and she can be controlling, but I don't feel that warrants complete ostracization in her time of need. I feel consumed with guilt that we're not there more for her, and I can't understand his lack of concern.
My mother was awful, very abusive to me, but I was there for her at the end of her life. I don't believe his mother was abusive to him--though his alcoholic father was.
What should I say to him? How do I deal with this?
My MIL was not an easy person. My DH was a MaMas boy but...I and our girls came first. I am sure that if she had stayed here he would have been helping her after his Dad died and I would have not cared because I came first. When his Dad died she wanted us to move where she lived. My husband never said no and never gave her the impression that he would move. And to be honest, if he had suggested it I may have gone, but he never did. The one time she suggested it to me, I told her it would never happen. I had my Mom who was a widow, my two girls and a grandson. I was not moving. She said I could bring Mom. No, she has her friends and her Church and at 80 I was not having her move. She said "We all have to compromise" Yeah, everyone but her. She could have moved back home too.
I understand that this may not be the way of it with my husband though. I will ask him about his feelings when the time is right. He is the type of person though who can hold a grudge over small things.
His sister isn't very communicative, is busy with her job. She has also been in denial about the seriousness of her mother's condition. Still, getting together with her soon to discuss plans is a good idea.
I think your husband made a good decision about not moving. If anyone moved, it should have been your MIL. I'm sorry that you too had a difficult MIL to deal with. I've gotten used to mine through the years--though she still irritates me sometimes. I do have some love for her. I know that no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. I wish you the best.
Thanks again!
You don't know what his life was like growing up with his mother if he never said. You don't know what kind of verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse his mother put on him. He grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and I'm pretty sure an enabling mother who did nothing to protect him from his father's abuse. Let me tell you, I have a mother like this. My father wasn't an abusive alcoholic like your FIL was. My mother never protected or stood up for me ever. She never cared how I was treated by anyone.
If your husband lived in this, then it's understandable why he lacks empathy for his mother and does not want anything more than a superficial involvement in her life.
Talk to him and don't judge. Then listen. Really listen. Suggest that you will help your MIL out (if you're able to) and won't involve him in it. Then see what happens. He may want to start seeing her more if you're with him as a sort of buffer zone.
I see my mother. I refuse to visit her alone because if I'm on my own the snide comments, instigating, and verbal abuse start up. She will also use this as an opportunity to make up lies about me to tell others. If someone is with me, she usually behaves all right. If there's any complaining or instigating, we leave. I think this may something the two of you can try with your MIL.
Please keep us updated because I'm very interested in your story.
I believe you, but consider that your mother set a low bar for maternal love.
Say a friend was married to an abusive man. He punches her in the face when he’s angry. Friend divorces him and marries another man. He is also abusive, but… he only slaps her when he’s mad! Slaps aren’t as violent or painful as punching!
Now would you encourage your friend to stick with the husband who slaps instead of punches? I’d hope not.
Same situation here. And your husband may not have told you the extent of her abuse if he is not explaining why he doesn’t want to see or talk to her.
You are not going to change your husband's feelings by admonishing him, whatever be his reasons for not wanting to participate in his mother's care. But his inaction shouldn't impact your decision of what you are willing to do.
Please take care of yourself. You don't need any of this. Stay calm and go eat some cookies.
The beginning is NEVER the time to over commit yourself, this could go on for a decade or more, he is right not to start creating a heavy dependency now.
If you feel like you should step up, step up. Uber, a taxi, being blind you are automatically eligible for paratransit services, usually free for you and 1 companion. Lots of resources available for you to do what you want.
I would encourage you to not put pressure on him about his mom, that will not end well for you. Speaking of, don't you think he has his hands full having a disabled, dependent wife? I do.
If you think his mother is unsafe at home , call APS , let them handle it . Other than that, this is not your responsibility .
I am a ( still healing ) abused , people pleaser to a narcissist mother my whole life until she died . Listen when I say to put your husband’s needs , his healthy boundaries, and your marriage first .
Stop feeling responsible , obligated or guilty over his mother.
You can not nor should you "guilt" him into doing anything. He is an adult and the decisions he makes are his and his alone.
I will tell you that it is difficult to watch a loved one decline and become someone you no longer know.
I also think you are wrong in thinking his mother was not abusive to him. If she did nothing to stop the abuse done by his father then she is just as guilty as his father.
I have said it many times before that NO ONE that has been abused should be a caregiver for their abuser. this includes one that looked on and did nothing to stop or prevent the abuse.
You do not mention where your MIL is living.
If MIL is living by herself that needs to change. either hiring a couple of caregivers, or a live in caregiver or placing her in Memory Care.
(Who is POA?)
If no one is POA y'all are just waiting for the event that forces a decision as to what happens and what do we do now. In most cases it is placement in rehab then a move to either Long Terms Care/Skilled Nursing or Memory Care.
Do drop the subject with your husband about his mom.
Oh, and if the accident that forces a decision does happen are you the one that will jump in and say "I'll take care of MIL"? Please do not move her into your home if she was complicit in the abuse that is not fair to your husband.
You cannot force anyone to do something they don't want to.
If you feel so bad about your MIL not seeing family members often enough why don't you just go over on a regular basis and spend time with her?
And you can obviously call an Uber to get you there and back since I just read that you don't drive. You don't need your husband for that.
Question: has ignoring your own needs in order to meet the needs of others been a pattern in your life?
You are married now for 44 years. If YOU don't know what broke in the mother/child relationship here, I doubt anyone does. I can't speak to your communication, but my partner heartily disliked his mother and it was a great relief to him when she died. I made a yearly visit and an every Sunday morning call to her, and arranged for her in home care when she needed it. Other than that he avoided her like a plague and trust me, I knew COMPLETELY why. So your husband has chosen not to share this with you. That is up to him and is his business.
If you wish to be more involved with the MIL I would tell hubby this:
I feel badly for your Mom and I would like to be some support to her; I understand that you don't wish to and you don't wish to discuss WHY with me. I would like to ask if you object to my giving her some supportive care. I promise you I will not speak of it, of her to YOU, and I will not require your participation.
Then the decision, I would say, is his, unless you wish to go along without him, in which case I doubt your marriage will be strengthened by that choice.
To be honest, this simply isn't your business. Unless your husband is overall a "bad guy " (and if so why are you there) then he has his reasons, and apparently his reasons for not sharing. I wish you both--and MIL as well--the best.
Just my humble opinion. You say you stayed to care for your abusive mother; I would not have. We have a right to CHOICES that are our OWN in our lives.
Your own mother treated you poorly and so now you are trying to get validation from taking on your mother inlaw at this late stage.
I had a rough childhood as well and was well trained in the good daughter syndrome. It doesn't work. Let the adult ego do your decision making and stop feeding that inner child hurt with more self sacrifice. You can protect your inner child by not taking on anymore abuse.
The question is how do you deal with YOU and your feelings. Why do you feel so beholden to her and expect your husband to feel the same? It's between HIM and HIS mother. You don't really have a say in this.
Stop telling him to visit her. You cannot talk him into it. If his mother let his alcoholic father abuse him, then she was complicit. A parent who does not keep their child safe, even from their father, is not a good parent. He has every right in the world to feel how he does.
Most people who are kind and respect others do not find themselves all alone in their old age. It sounds like she ran off anyone who cared about her. She is reaping what she sowed, unfortunately.
Why did you feel you had to take care of your own awful mother? Did it make you feel like a good daughter or good person? That maybe at the end, your mother would finally love you too? It sounds like you took her abuse because you wanted to be good. You didn't want to upset her. You wanted her to love you. Deep down you were (and maybe still are) the little girl who only wanted her mother's love. You didn't get it and she probably had no love to give. And that is not your fault.
There's four ways that children of abusers react to their parent: Freeze, Flight, Fight, or Fawn. You chose to fawn, to take care of her for one last attempt at love. He has chosen flight. Got away from her and wants nothing to do with her. He was done with her and saved himself. You have to respect his choice.
If you're so worried for her, you probably could go help her. Just don't bring him into it.
much sense in regards to this forum:)
I too have had family estrangements, and I know that pain.
I just think the way he ignores her is cruel and shows a lack of empathy on his part. Though she made petty comments in the past, usually in the form of digs, she was always there for us when we needed help. She was so much more supportive of us than my own mother was and a much better grandmother. I feel we owe her some respect and care in her old age.
And stop taking care of people that treat you like dirt. You deserve better.