I have been a caregiver for 13 years now. I should be a pro by now but I am not as it gets harder year after year. I care for my 100 year old grandmother. I came to realize years ago that nobody seems to help her like I do because of how she treats people. She has treated me terribly over the years and I’m at my boiling point. When I put up a boundary she is determined to cross it. Today was overwhelming as I told her that we would have to start asking people for help as my plate is full and I don’t have to capacity to handle all the problems that seem to come our way. She proceeded to shame me for having that idea and relentlessly put me down for hours. Some days I wish I didn’t wake up and tomorrow will be one of those days. Does anyone else deal with this and how do you handle it? I’m at my wits end.
There comes a time when you realize that YOU deserve more and stop allowing this behavior.
How do you do that?
* You could decide to leave the situation. It is not healthy for you - at all.
* You deal with how you are feeling inside - sad, angry, guilty, frustrated.
* You stop allowing yourself to be the recipient of this 'punching bag' behavior.
* Whether or not your grandmother has the mental capacity to know what she is doing is not the point: 1) if she has dementia, she needs more help than you can provide and perhaps medication management; 2) if she knows what she is doing (has the cognitive awareness to know), she KNOWS that she can do what she wants and talk to you as she wants as YOU have continually allowed this to go on.
Only when you give her a warning - "it is not okay or acceptable for you to xxx (talk, interact, scream) like this. If you do it again, I am going to walk out for the day to give you time to cool off.
* When she does it again, you tell her: Your behavior towards me is unacceptable. Others will need to help you with care giving. I cannot do it any longer. Then leave the room.
* I've noticed that even with some areas of the brain no longer function, a person 'needing you / help' will get it if you are serious - if they feel STUCK without you, they will adhere to your boundaries (appropriate / acceptable behavior).
You have to mean what you say. Empty threats means they continue the behavior - because they know they can.
The key here is that you need to feel you deserve to be treated better, with respect and appreciation. If you do not value yourself, no one else will. People will see how far they can go to get their needs met. This is an example of manipulation - a strategy to get one's needs met.
Realize that whatever happens to your grandmother is NOT your responsibility.
Your responsibility is to yourself. Respect and love yourself. I'd recommend you get into therapy. Loving yourself is a life long process. You start where you are and keep moving forward.
While I don't know the living arrangements nor why you've been doing this for 13 years, you need to decide if you want to continue this pattern. You are the only person who can stop it - for your mental well being.
Do speak to her medical provider about medication management.
And find other caregivers to take care of her.
Gena / Touch Matters
You are allowing this to happen. You are accepting her negative words.
You might need help propping up your own self-esteem, as it seems you feel you need to please her. YOU DO NOT need her permission or her agreement to having someone else help with her care! This is overwhelming you now, and is not sustainable without help!
Learn to walk out of the room when she starts saying negative things to you and about you! You do not have to listen, and it will not benefit you to argue with her or defend yourself. You do not need to defend yourself and you do not need to explain your decisions.
I'm curious what kind of cares you provide for your grandmother. This might be a good time to consider placement in a care facility. Are you living in her house? Or is she living in yours? You need to separate yourself from her before this kills you.
Her behavior will not change. She will probably never be satisfied. You can only learn to protect yourself, by walking away from her, distancing yourself from her, and by giving yourself positive reinforcement.
She has been lucky to have you. Bad behavior has consequences, at any age! Leaving, or moving her out is a reasonable consequence if this is too hard on you. Caregiving has to work for the caregiver.
The good news here is that, though you have done this work for 13 years, the future time required of you is quite limited!
I agree with others that you should make plans to retire your caregiving and start the life you are meant to have. Other family members won't like this, but too bad -- then they can come and care for her.
You don't mention if you live in her house, so I will assume you do. Quietly make plans to move out. You do not need to tell your Grandmother or even other family members. Once you have a place to live secured, let other family know you are leaving, quitting permanently. Do not negotiate with them to stay under any circumstances -- you are done being the only solution to Granny's care.
If other family don't have a solution in place before you move out, this is *their* problem, not yours. They will scramble something together once you drive away.
"When I put up a boundary she is determined to cross it."
Your boundaries are for you to defend, not for Granny (or others) to respect -- because they won't. Your boundaries (and plans for a better life) will probably enrage them, but don't let this stop you. Show them you mean business. Maybe they'll even apologize and beg you to stay. Nope. Move onward and upward. There are many other solutions for Granny -- the county can provide help; she can be transitioned into a facility by a court-assigned guardian, etc.
Be strong for your own sake and have peace in your heart about having your own life.
Does anyone have your grandmother's POA? Who handles her finances? If that person is not you, tell that person that you will no longer be taking care of your grandmother and they will need to hire someone to replace you, at your grandmother's expense.
If your grandmother lives in your house, she needs to be moved out, at her expense. If you live with her, leave. Find your own place to live (even an inexpensive airbnb room if necessary, or with a friend).
If no one has your grandmother's POA, tell Adult Protective Services that you can no longer care for your grandmother and they need to take over her care.
In the meantime, stop letting your grandmother abuse you. At the first negative word, leave the room, and don't come back until she apologizes. Repeat as necessary. Don't let her put you down for even a minute, let along hours. Any time she throws a tantrum, ignore her.
As for how other people deal with this, they do what your family does. They live their own lives where they are treated properly. Time for you to do the same. You deserve it. Let us know how things are going.
More information would be helpful in order for people here to help you with this situation . Do you live in your grandmother’s home ?
Does grandma live in your home ?
Does grandma live alone ?
Does she walk , does she have dementia ? What does she need help with ?
Do you work ?
Does grandma have money for assisted living or for hired help to come to the home ?
Tell grandma that she needs more help than you can provide .
Learn these phrases.
No (period). ( No is a complete sentence) .
No , I can not do that .
No , that will not be possible .