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My mama died on Friday, June 20th. I haven't really cried since she died. I feel kind of numb; I don't know why, as I saw her take her last breath. But I feel like at a loss, I guess. I just don't know. I keep waiting for it to hit me but it hasn't. It just doesn't feel real.

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I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a loss but know that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Everyone’s grief is different and is ever changing. I would strongly recommend that you seek some type of grief support. If your mother was on hospice, they should be reaching out regarding their bereavement services but you don’t have to wait. You can call them and ask to speak to someone right away or see what groups they provide. If it’s difficult to get out, there are online support groups. The hospice agency we used offers ongoing grief support groups for anyone in the community, in person and virtually. Please don’t try to go this alone, posting here was a first step.
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It is a shock when a beloved parent dies. Being with them in their last moments, the body … Every detail is so painful.

Give yourself time to grieve. The hurt does soften with time. My deepest condolences for your loss.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. I recall feeling much like you describe when my mother died, just rather numb. Grief comes in many forms and in changing waves. All of it is okay, however you’re feeling, don’t put expectations on yourself that you should be feeling anything in particular. GriefShare groups have been a help to many, you might want to find one in your area. I wish you healing and peace
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Numb is a way you are dealing with the hurt.
It allows you "not to feel" how much you hurt.
Like any numbness it will eventually wear off. Then comes the tricky part how to deal with something that hurts so much.
You can chose to deal with it by hiding, or trying to keep the numb feeling with drugs or alcohol or other self destructive behavior. OR you can honor your mom and do something that would make her proud. (I can tell by what you have written that you loved your mom and I am sure this is what she would want)
You can take care of your family and continue to pass on what she taught you
You can find another purpose and Volunteer, go back to school, find a work that you love. Something that will fill you.
Sometimes I wonder if I do all that I do as a way to have a reason to get up, take a shower and get out of the house because I feel a need to "give back" OR do I get up take a shower and get out of the house because I don't want to clean the house. 🤣

Give yourself time to heal.
There is NO timeline for grief. Do not let anyone try to rush you through this.
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Grief does cause fogginess and exhaustion. Even though it is hard, please be sure to drink water with electrolytes.

I find grief is very physical and very dehydrating. Please be sure to take care of yourself and rest whenever needed. Don’t over tax yourself right now.

Give yourself time and space to let it in. Not all of us are fall apart the same day grievers. I have to let it in a little at a time because it’s so painful.

You have my thoughts and my condolences. I’m sorry your mom died.
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It will come when your mind is ready to accept it.

Mine came, while I was chopping vegetables, the kitchen TV was on, and a very old show, The Rifle Man, was on. Little mark, was playing Greensleeves on his guitar, a song my father often played on his violin.

So sorry for your loss. 🫂😓
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I think you have expectations of grief that may NOT come. You will only know what the passage through grief brings you when it arrives.
For me I couldn't imagine being without my Mom, my Dad and especially my beloved brother. But was surprised to realize when I went outside and gazed up at the stars that what I felt most clearly was relief. That I didn't have to fear for their pain, for what torment would come at them next, for standing witness helplessly to their agonies.

Let the process come. Write if you can in a journal; I wrote directly TO my brother, about memories, about feelings, sometimes just about what I saw that day that would make us laugh together, and I decorated it with collage; it was a comfort to me for just under a year.

My heart goes out to you in your loss. And I am glad you understand that this is GRIEF. So many mistake it for guilt, things undone, things unsaid. And that is a mistake you can skip, having to there to the last moments. To this old RN death is the last journey of a lifetime--a passage I am curious about and almost look forward to at 82. You please take care of yourself and treasure your memories.
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Both my aging parents died this past November, a week apart of each other. I had been taking care of them for the last 10 years since my father's dementia diagnosis. My Dad went first, then a week later, my Mom. I was there in hospice for both of them til their end and I thought I was doing well because I was sad, but wasn't crying. Basically holding it together for everyone through the wake and funeral. For months I kept shaking my head thinking was that all real? Then six months in, it finally hit me that they were both gone and not coming back. Now I'm finally able to grieve. I feel like I have PTSD when I see elderly people and just start crying. Everyone's process is different. I was almost upset at myself because I couldn't cry and thought, wow, am I just so relieved at not having to take care of them anymore. No, I was and still am numb from years of caregiving and now their loss. The only relief was not seeing them suffer anymore.
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Both my aging parents died this past November, a week apart of each other. I had been taking care of them for the last 10 years since my father's dementia diagnosis. My Dad went first, then a week later, my Mom. I was there in hospice for both of them til their end and I thought I was doing well because I was sad, but wasn't crying. Basically holding it together for everyone through the wake and funeral. For months I kept shaking my head thinking was that all real? Then six months in, it finally hit me that they were both gone and not coming back. Now I'm finally able to grieve. I feel like I have PTSD when I see elderly people and just start crying. Everyone's process is different. I was almost upset at myself because I couldn't cry and thought, wow, am I just so relieved at not having to take care of them anymore. No, I was and still am numb from years of caregiving and now their loss. The only relief was not seeing them suffer anymore. 
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GriefShare (griefshare.org) is a church based support group. Numerous churches throughout the US supports this. Go to the website to locate a church near you.
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I’m so sorry . I found grief counseling has helped me. The Art for the Heart has been helpful as well. They say the first 6 months you are actually numb to the fact your loved one is gone. Then it hits. But I’ve learned that grief is a unwelcomed visitor that keeps knocking on your door until you let it in. We don’t want to, but to grow stronger, we have to. Actually grieving is what our hearts need to do. And yes. it’s easier said than done. It all just sucks. We have this loved one we’ve had all of our lives and now we must learn to live without them physically present. We pray and talk with each other. No one understands until there experienced loss. It sucks.
Bless you and know you are not alone.
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so sorry to hear this and condolences to you. Grief can take some people many many years - sometimes forever to address. I think for starters speak to your doctor about getting a counsellor to talk out your feelings if you feel string enough? My mother died when i was in my early 20's. I couldnt look at pictures or anything for at least a decade. everything was boxed up until i felt able to address it and then the tears started and it all came out. 10 + years later!! - so dont push yourself - be kind to yourself and try to keep to a schedule and keep busy. routine at this time helps. Maybe you may feel it could help packing away mothers things until you process the emotions? I have friends who got comfort from photo's. We are all different. Its so early days - it will hit you but your body is in a kind of shock still. Just be kind to yourself and time will help you accept it. One of my friends lost someone and for a long time after had nothing inside of her - people in work would tell her serious stuff - they had cancer - someone had died and she couldnt generate any emotion at all. She told me there was nothing in her - it hits everyone different. I would recommend go into counselling to help process what has happened and if you feel too low/unable to cope properly speak to your doctor about some temp medication help. I would say reach out to someone you know.. only you know if that can help? You still need to get through the funeral so hang in there. You may find after that - that the emotions start, Wishing you strength at this terrible time. It will get better, We all have to go through it. Try to eat good food and limit the junk/try and get enough sleep. Best.
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You did and are doing good.

Maybe in your way you've been crying, and possibly for a long time already. Don't question. Observe. Imagine a cork in a lovely warm body of water. Your expression of grief may come hard at the silliest of things or it'll be stunning to find that for you you'll experience simply and happily gentle waves of sweetness and profound gentle sadness. It's all proper.

Please rest. Peacefully take stock. Examine. Reminisce. You’ll miss some things and be relieved as well.

In time you’ll come to understand and appreciate what you’re experiencing right now, numbness, confusion, loss and heartache, however it manifests itself, as the mind’s formula to make sense of your new existence. All this is part of the crazy and natural way we adjust to new conditions.

I don't know how long you've been living with and caring for your mom, so I may be taking a leap to liken you and your history to being a passenger on a train that's been traveling a track for a significant amount of time, and now it may seem that although your train is still moving (you’re still alive) the track has disappeared or perhaps your train has switched tracks.

Either way, we can keep moving actually well almost without thinking. With kind support or quietly dealing with your situation alone you are simply graduating.  

Your track will reappear. You are now more of a conductor than a passenger. You’ll discover who you are as a result of your new role and the lessons you learned.  

For now there’s a lot to do. Arrangements, paperwork, decisions, reminiscing, continued growth and kindly letting go. 

You are part of an old world that embraces you.
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Years ago, my beloved brother was murdered. I went through the entire aftermath, funeral planning, investigation meetings, etc. without shedding a tear. I was even criticized for it. Lack of crying is not a symptom of not caring. On the contrary, sometimes the pain is so devastating, crying just isn’t the first response.

Rest assured, it will come when you feel safe and strong enough to do so. And it may show up unexpectedly, like over a tv commercial. I think we often feel that, if we let go, we will never get it back together again. But we do, and we continue on, even when we think we can’t.

Wishing you peace.
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It is normal to be numb for a while. Even when a death is expected, the reality is a shock. Give yourself as much time as you need to adjust. Pay attention to what you do each day and manage your activities in small increments b/c for a while your brain will not be fully focused on day to day details. You will have a variety of emotions for many months and you may question your own mental health, but no matter how odd your feelings may seem at the time, they are normal. Someday you will notice you smiled at someone or enjoyed something you saw. The smile moments and the enjoyments will begin to return to your life and you will become less numb. There will always be a core of sadness, but it will not always dominate your life.
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Missmary031: I am so sorry for your loss and send deepest sympathies.
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"Reminiscing" by the Little River Band is a wonderful song to listen to that may bring you some peace.

k.d. lang does a great cover of this wonderful song as well.

Speaking of k.d. her rendition of "Hallelujah" may get the tears flowing.
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So sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you are grieving this difficult loss.
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Hi MissMary. I am sorry for the loss and numbness you are going through. I read your most recent post before this one, in which your Mom was on Hospice. I am relieved that her suffering ended that day of your last post.
What you are feeling is normal. Numbness is common when dealing with the passing of and making arrangements for a loved one.
Everyone grieves in their own way, on their own time.
For some, it comes when there is a holiday or family gathering. For others, when you see or hear something that you would have wanted to share with the loved one. Or it may be when things are quiet and you have to reshape how you spend your day now that Mom is gone. Let yourself grieve however you need to and for however long you need to. Prayers.
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Missmary031,

I took care of my mom for many years. She died in my home with Hospice. I was completely numb. I felt strange that I was not emotional. I was exhausted from caregiving and felt a tremendous feeling of relief. Planning the service, managing the things you do at someone’s death like finances, going through items etc…kept me too busy to think.

One day, without warning and with no real reason, it hit me. The numbness changed to raw grief. I took advantage of Hospice counseling and it has been over two years. I still have unexpected moments of grief.

Grief is not an event that happens and you are done with it. It is something you learn to live with and move through. It visits when you least expect it.

So sorry for your loss.
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The human brain has a way of protecting you from overwhelming emotions in the beginning of experiencing loss. I think for me was a feeling of denial and shock. I had to get through those first crucial moments intact. I've lost so many friends and family within the last five years that I've lost count. It started in 2014. First, I lost my dad. Five months after dad's death, my youngest sister died in 2015. My husband was diagnosed with liver cancer April 2016 and died December 2016. I muddled through life and then the pandemic hit in 2019. I lost my job in 2020 and entered a forced retirement. All of my ladies from my support system died. Several past coworkers died within the last five years. I guess I'm just numb at this point. Also, I found out that a CEO from a hair product company brand died earlier this year. He and I had a nice conversation in 2020. I should have known that something was amiss because his website of his products was taken down. I don't know if these products are going to be continued or not. His father had built the company back in the early thirties.
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I didn't cry when my mother died, I did all I could to help with the funeral arrangements and I went by myself to the graveyard and buried my mother's ashes next to my father and my brother. It felt right but I still did not shed a tear. A few months later we had a family gathering and somebody said something that just hit me and I ran outside where I proceeded to cry hysterically for about 20 minutes to half an hour. When I was calm again I felt as if the whole world was right again and the burden of grief which I did carry was gone. Be patient when the time is right you will be able to let out your feelings.
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Everyone grieves differently. My husband did not cry over his parents dying. I cried when both of my parents' were still alive and I was so very sad as I watched them take their last breaths. I was taking medication that magnified my emotions. I am currently taking an antidepressant and keeping very busy with hobbies. I dream about my parents still being alive. If you believe that you will be reunited with them, it helps. If you don't have any beliefs, then you may realize everyone an everything gets old an dies. The circle of life.
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My Condolences. It takes time.
I didn't cry when my Mom or Dad died. It wasn't unexpected for either of them. I was just listless for a while. Then started to build my life back up.
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I'm so sorry! Maybe it did hit you but you understood what happened? You accepted it and then questioned it, You just grew years above grieving, you let her go and accepted her loss, no more pain. Don't ever doubt your feelings. I didn't grieve until a year later. Truthfully, I haven't moved but an inch after losing my mother. I think you need to mourn,only when you're ready. Oh,everything we go through as caregivers just leaves us when we complete our mission. It's how we move on after losing them. My guess is that you are strong and faithful, went through things that didn't allow you to feel, you don't have to keep it up now. You know what you went through, time to say,your work is done! Accept it and especially don't be so hard on yourself! Dear caregiver,many have lost, our souls keep pumping life! You know when you are ready, I think you have things to do right now? No guilt, a job to do! When laid to rest, doesn't mean gone,but they rise above! ! I'm sorry, we're left to work through this.
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I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mom... Like others here, I have had to go through that as well. My much loved mom passed rather suddenly in July of 2023. I was the oldest and she had become quite dependent on me as she aged especially. I didn't mind for the most part, it was an honor but sometimes it was exhausting. I spent every day and some overnights with her at the hospital and my sister as well as mom's elderly husband would alternate when they could.
I felt like I was "doing grieving wrong" for quite a while. I shed a few tears right after I was told she was gone (she was in hospice a few days before passing and that night my sister was staying with her) but then I was busy helping with final arrangements, and watching out for my siblings and the grandchildren. I was numb like you but about 3 months later (always at night ) occasionally something would hit me and I'd suddenly be in tears briefly, hugging mom's urn and then as quickly as it came, it went away. I find it comes now and then in waves, short bursts for me which puzzles me and causes some guilt. But you can't force these things I have found. You might wish to try your various senses and see if that helps access feelings. Touch: get a massage, hug a child you are close to, pat a dog or cat, hug a stuffed animal. Smell: if your mom had a favorite perfume, perhaps buy a small bottle and either apply a few dabs or a light spritz to yourself or on a piece of her favorite clothing. If she liked a scent like lilacs, roses, fresh laundry or vanilla, try to incorporate that into your day. Hearing: Did she have a favorite song? I know my mom had a few including "You'll Never Walk Alone." However there's one I heard years ago by chance that I will sometimes now play purposefully when I need the release of tears. That song is by Emmylou Harris and Linda Ronstadt called "This Is to Mother You." I highly recommend it. Oddly (because it's actually about an infant that passed ) the song "Held" sung by Natalie Grant does me in. I can't get through that song without being so touched that I cry.
Anyway, I do wish you the best and please know there really is no set timeline! And crying immediately or 5 years later doesn't really tell us anything about love. YOU know and SHE knew you loved her. THAT is what counts!
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I am sorry for your loss. The trauma of these things really can take a toll on our mental health with all the grief. I lost my mother who I eventually cared for on hospice, and feel like I have lost the ability to cry or even laugh. The grief comes in waves, but I am unable to cry anymore. I think that all the trauma had a depressing and anxiety ridden effect on me. Please know that I sympathize with what you're going through and that it takes time to try to heal from.and accept the loss. My mom died at 95 years old from dementia. She was bedridden and incontinent. I would never want to live in such a state and it was traumatic watching thr ordeal. I believe in quality rather than quantity of life. Please accept my blessings, it is not easy.
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My deepest condolences on your loss. Numbness after a significant loss is normal and can last for several months. It's the body's way of protecting you. In time. Usually within 6 months you will start to feel the pain, the reality of it and cry. Grief counselling or a grief group can be very helpful when/if you are ready for it.

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Be sure to drink enough and eat and sleep as well as you can. A little exercise is a good thing too. The pain of loss does not go away quickly, but in time you will start to feel better and more like engaging in your old activities. Anniversaries, special days like birthdays, times like 6 months after, 9 months after, a year after can all bring it back to you like it was yesterday.

Be kind to yourself. It takes a while to adjust to your new normal. Life will noit be the same but it can be just as good as in the past. ((((((hugs)))))
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