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Last week I was so happy to not have to do thanksgiving with mom who didnt even know it was thanksgiving. This is the first time in many many years that I can go to friends freely... and now it is tomorrow and I am sad for all the losses. Both my parents are in homes now...
Dealing with a bad mood, no expectations, and a full moon just in time for giving thanks that it could be much worse. We might actually have been invited to go to a thanksgiving dinner. Bah humbug, I second that. Pain can do that to a person, and I feel pretty much inadequate to cook anything. My hubby is fine with it though. I should be grateful for that, and I am.
I actually think that caregiving is all encompassing from cooking cleaning getting presents on behalf of, the struggles that face caregivers on a daily basis get enhanced ten fold once we have to try and slip in different and special menus for the day. Anything that will make life easier for the caregiver be it a tip on how to manage to get siblings to help to recipes to discussing what does and doesn't happen in your household makes us all feel normal to a greater or lesser degree.
I agree with JB and GA on the topic of off-topic, but I think it's probably the "insiders" who tend to do it mostly, which maybe makes the "outsiders" feel more left out. The real solution is for the outsiders to come inside, which takes a bit of time and patience and regular participation to reach the point "where everybody knows your name." Cheers!
I think the trend toward off topics is actually a healthy one. First, there's a limit as to how much advice can be offered before it sometimes becomes a situation in which we reinforce each other, which is good in itself because it emphasizes that so many people agree.
Second, it's a bonding experience as we chat back and forth and become more acquainted, develop respect for each other, and sometimes get ideas on how to handle our own situations. I also think a stronger, more cohesive response community benefits us all.
VJ, after the first 10-20 messages in a thread, they do tend to become conversational. I think this is fine, since it is just caregivers talking. Many of us don't have anyone to talk to at home, so this is a good place to touch base with other people.
VJFriesen - there are always comments that veer off the subject in almost any thread. People are free to write what they please, and sometimes go off on a tangent. You don't have to read them all. If the first sentence seems to be about something not interesting to me, I just skip over the comment. The comment may be helpful to someone else even if not to me, so I'm not offended even if it's off the topic.
Keeping to the subject is of importance to me. Several comments are being made that have nothing to do with caregiving. WHY even bother wasting time of those who are sincerely wanting to help others or are asking for help?
Aaargh an american fried of mine has jus mentioned you may have a misconception of peanuts. When I say peanuts I didn't mean the salted ones. I meant the ones that are pure , as in straight from the shell and yes I usually mix them with shelled pecans walnuts almonds and brazils. I used to put the shells on ones into a dish but I spent so much time shelling them for Mum I now buy the ready shelled ones!
I think it's more difficult if the loved one with dementia is in your home. Mine is in Memory Care and I go to her with the party. The rest of the family has our gathering for Thanksgiving that morning. We have eggs, pancakes, ham, etc., and then later, I prepare a traditional meal around midday. My parents and I will take her a meal that afternoon or the next day and visit for short while. She can't tolerate much at once. I will probably decorate her room for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day. I don't think she notices anymore, but it makes me feel better that she has a bright, colorful and cheerful room with touches of love from her family. Even if she doesn't notice, it will brighten the day of the staff who come into her room.
Carla, you raise an important and insightful reason why many of us compromise and refocus from our plans and intents to those of our parents or other loved ones: because no one else will do it. We care, those others who should be stepping up to help apparently don't. I've often wondered how relatives can so completely shut out of their consciousness the needs of their parents.
Well, I can tell you what would have happened if I had gone on strike last Christmas, NYDaughterinLaw, because I tried to do it. What would have happened is that my mother would have been left alone all day on Christmas Day with no dinner, because nobody thought to consider her (or me either, for that matter) in their plans. As difficult as my relationship with my mother is, I didn't want that to happen. So I stuck around, and threw together a roast and some crunchy bread and a bottle of wine for us to have together. I don't regret doing that for her because it was done out of the goodness of my heart and not something that was expected or imposed on me.
Interesting that you serve peanuts and raisins as a side; walnuts and raisins were standard to offer guests when our Armenian family visited. I think it might have been an old country custom brought here by Armenians who emigrated.
Thinking about it, walnuts and raisins are loaded with nutrients - what could be better? (Well, chocolate comes to mind, but it isn't quite as healthy.)
There's a saying in Buddhism: If your compassion does not include yourself then it is incomplete. I wonder what would happen if the workhorses went on strike for the holidays. I wonder what would happen if the workhorses organized respite care for their LOs during the holidays and came back with a tan. I wonder what would happen if the workhorses showed compassion for themselves for a change.
OMG Jessie - I thought my situation was sad. I also get no birthday gifts and few or no Christmas gifts. I think any normal family would appreciate my contributions enough to chip in and send me on a cruise for my birthday, at least every five to ten years. Here you're making a major ongoing sacrifice to benefit the whole family, yet you're forgotten on birthdays and holidays. It stinks.
Last year my mother totally forgot my birthday. This year she remembered with a card, a very generic dime store "Have a great day!" kind of card. My one sister generally does something for my birthday, usually a gift card of some kind.
I've never been one to care about holidays or gifts but I've been doing so much for my family these last several years and it really burns me that nobody shows any appreciation!
I've been told that Thanksgiving theme is seafood. I'm allergic to shrimp only ..so far. Hopefully they don't only have shrimp - shrimp soup made with coconut milk and fresh green beans (yum!!!!!), shrimp in a thick milk sauce (Yum!!!!), shrimp with lemon and coconut milk (Yum!!!).... I sure miss eating shrimp. When niece told me that it's seafood theme, I said,'But I'm allergic to shrimp!" Oh, don't worry, Aunty. We will make you soup and there's always the baloney sausage (for the kids.)
As for xmas, fave sis asked me what I wanted. I don't know what I want. Oh, yeah! I remember. I asked her if she could get me an Amazon gift card. She looked so disappointed. I believe she wanted to give me something more substantial than a gift card. "How about leggings? Do you wear leggings?" Uhm... no.. I have skinny legs. Eeww!!! Leggings would make it skinnier... I have a feeling I'm going to get some leggings for xmas. As she was leaving the house, her and her daughter were still busy figuring out what size I am... "But, mom, aunty has a big butt. I don't think a size small will fit her." Her mom, "I'm a medium. I don't know if she's a medium..." Leggings?????
I'm totally the opposite, Jude. I cook everything last minute and pray that it is edible. And I gave up giving any gifts, since it was suggested by my SIL that we not exchange them. I give a gift to my mother and cook some token treats for my other relatives. Now the sad thing is that the rest of my family have each other, so they get gifts. I haven't received a Christmas or birthday gift in 6 years now. Isn't that pitiful? No one likes me. :-( Mom does give me a check for a few dollars, so she tries. So does AC. I think they know that gifts can be a scarce thing for a caregiver.
Well as we all know through caring for our LOs preparation is everything so when it comes to Christmas I tend to prepare well in advance and I mean really well in advance. All presents now bought and wrapped. I have cheated with the Christmas Card and done all the addresses on labels so I don't have to write them all out thankfully. When it comes to food I made the Christmas cake back in September but if not I would have bought a plain white iced cake and stuck on some decs with a little icing - looks just as good especially if you wrap a couple of ribbons round it - I use a wide one in red and a medium one in gold over that then a thinner green one and a sprig of fresh holly tops it for us.
The main meal for us can be anything we are not traditionalists so this year it is the appetiser I put on earlier for starters in veggie format - then we are having roast pork with apple sauce - apple sauce is made and frozen already - I did it when I was making some stewed able for mum. All the veggies will be done on the day because I like slaving over a hot stove but no longer do I do the as much. All the veggies go into a tower steamer so I don't even have to think about them other than to just turn them on. If you can afford them then buy the prepared ones so you don't even have to prep them. Parsnips blanched the night before popped in a bag in the fridge. Ditto the potatoes for roasting. Again you can get prepared ones that save you the bother but I don't like them as much. Pork scored and salted the night before.and back in the fridge (If you have a kind butcher they will score it for you so you only have to rub salt in to get that crispy crackling..
SO Christmas morning arrives and what is there left to do. Turn the oven on, when hot put the roast into a roasting bag and slam that in then sit back and enjoy as much as you can. When the roast is cooked take it out let it rest turn the oven way up high and roast your parsnips and potatoes, 1/2 hour before they are due turn the steamer on and carve your meat. use the liquid from the steamer to make the gravy - gravy granules - they won't care they are being fed for heavens sake. Dessert? Oh don't make anything buy a frozen one and just whip some cream or serve with ice cream and crunch some chocolate over it. Christmas doesn't have to be a major work up and quite frankly I don't have the time any more but the family come - we all eat well drink well (My only drinking day and that is only because we have port!) I buy nuts and have some peanuts and raisins sat on the side with crisps. If they don't like what you do of course suggest that next year they do it!
The Holidays: Two parents close to death, make sure as this time of year means much to them, that there daily lives are the best they can be regardless of all the other dysfunctional crap going on in my family.
Fortunately, through MRI's and diagnoses from Dr.'s they have about 20% or less, cognitive ability. My father is mute, My mother is and has no memory Alzheimer's.
SO "My Life is a Journey, Not a Race, and this year and every year, my parents brought me into this world, did the best they could, so I am privileged to give them the best I can"
Wow, Jessie, I totally relate to the "insignificant work horse" feeling, and Blackhole, to your comment about your mother's "outsize self-centeredness." I have a mother like that too, one who seems to think I have nothing to do but take care of whatever it is she wants and needs.
Jessie, I understand your feeling that caregivers who live with the parent are held to a whole different set of expectations than others, but I'm in the same position as you are and I don't live with Mom (although I did for a year or so). Everyone, including two sisters who each live within a few blocks of my mother, views my mother as my problem, although I live in a different town. When Thanksgiving rolls around, everyone will just assume that I'm picking her up and getting her to my sister's house, and when we're there I'll be responsible for getting her in and out of the house and serving and helping her while we're there. When Christmas rolls around, everyone will make their plans without regard to Mom, and I'll be left to either make a meal for her or leave her alone with no dinner on Christmas Day.
Once you're "it", you're "it". It doesn't matter whether you live with the parent or not. You're viewed as being responsible for the parent, and everyone else in the family can just go on their merry way living their lives however they want. And your choice is either to continue doing it all or move so far away that it would be impossible for you to do anything and everybody knows it. I've been on the horns of that dilemma since day one. I don't want to totally abandon my mother (or the rest of my family for that matter) but I know that nobody will take any responsibility as long as I'm still in the picture. It s*cks. I totally understand.
I do have a recipe for a christmas ring that can be veggie or not and is really pretty - anyone interested ....doesn't take long to make looks spectacular and you use croissant ready made dough - 2 cans of it. All you do is unwrap the dough and split it into the triangle and spread each one with cheese - I use cream cheese and add garlic and herbs to it for flavour Avoid the last inch near the pointy end or it will be a glorious mess. Put some engrossed lining paper on a baking tray. Then you make a sun shape with the dough so the short end goes to the centre - overlap them a little to get that nice round shape with the sunburst points out to the end. the better the circle the better the end product (about 4 inch diameter. Then mix thawed out and paper towel dried frozen broccoli about 2 cups in your language - 2 tea cups for Brits, some pepper ( crunched up crispy bacon if you want it) and if you don't use bacon then some roasted/chargrilled parsnips and carrots would be good or pine nuts or chestnuts. You can use spinach if you don't like broccoli and you can adda little extra cheese but try something like parmesan. maybe some basil if you fancy a more Mediterranean flavour. Mix that all together and spoon it in a ring round the fat part of the croissant - then take each point in turn and pull it over the mixture and tuck it under the dough you have a wreath type effect then brush it wish beaten egg and sprinkle seeds or pine nuts then bake it in the oven till its golden brown an=bout 25 mins. Take it out ,dress it with cranberries and rosemary and voila a pretty supper for you all. Really takes no time at all to make and is scrummy
I can't help any of you with thanksgiving - we don't have it but I am going to try and find some recipes that require very little work for you all for special occasions. Once I have I will put them up and a link to them so you can have a peek and see whether any of them suit you. i will do ones with and without pork for those of you who can't eat it and of course a vegetarian one or two.
My daughter does TG and I bring a couple of goodies. Christmas is Lasagna. I clean up after I get it put together so I only have dishes used for dinner. Dessert is Christmas cookies I have baked. This year daughters asked not to exchange. Only the grandsons get presents. OK with me.
Black hole, It is so sad, but yes, your Moms brain is broken and cannot be fixed. the Mom you used to know is gone forever. And is it not always easy to learn to live with one that has replaced her!! My folks are an AL, so I cannot speak to the problems of those with Parents in their own home. The resolve to take care of you own household first is important. She may be more appreciative of your efforts if she realizes that you have etched out time for her projects after you have also finished your own holiday preparations. This time of year can be so stressful for any of us, but especially those who also care for someone else!! Let us take care of our selves as best we can, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally!!
Jessie, your points are well taken. My father did live with me for over a year a decade or so ago after a several month long hospital stay, and it was challenging for both of us. I didn't intend to gloss over your issues, and also hope others living with their parent(s) offer their suggestions so their perspective can be factored in as well.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Both my parents are in homes now...
Second, it's a bonding experience as we chat back and forth and become more acquainted, develop respect for each other, and sometimes get ideas on how to handle our own situations. I also think a stronger, more cohesive response community benefits us all.
Interesting that you serve peanuts and raisins as a side; walnuts and raisins were standard to offer guests when our Armenian family visited. I think it might have been an old country custom brought here by Armenians who emigrated.
Thinking about it, walnuts and raisins are loaded with nutrients - what could be better? (Well, chocolate comes to mind, but it isn't quite as healthy.)
Last year my mother totally forgot my birthday. This year she remembered with a card, a very generic dime store "Have a great day!" kind of card. My one sister generally does something for my birthday, usually a gift card of some kind.
I've never been one to care about holidays or gifts but I've been doing so much for my family these last several years and it really burns me that nobody shows any appreciation!
As for xmas, fave sis asked me what I wanted. I don't know what I want. Oh, yeah! I remember. I asked her if she could get me an Amazon gift card. She looked so disappointed. I believe she wanted to give me something more substantial than a gift card. "How about leggings? Do you wear leggings?" Uhm... no.. I have skinny legs. Eeww!!! Leggings would make it skinnier... I have a feeling I'm going to get some leggings for xmas. As she was leaving the house, her and her daughter were still busy figuring out what size I am... "But, mom, aunty has a big butt. I don't think a size small will fit her." Her mom, "I'm a medium. I don't know if she's a medium..." Leggings?????
The main meal for us can be anything we are not traditionalists so this year it is the appetiser I put on earlier for starters in veggie format - then we are having roast pork with apple sauce - apple sauce is made and frozen already - I did it when I was making some stewed able for mum. All the veggies will be done on the day because I like slaving over a hot stove but no longer do I do the as much. All the veggies go into a tower steamer so I don't even have to think about them other than to just turn them on. If you can afford them then buy the prepared ones so you don't even have to prep them. Parsnips blanched the night before popped in a bag in the fridge. Ditto the potatoes for roasting. Again you can get prepared ones that save you the bother but I don't like them as much. Pork scored and salted the night before.and back in the fridge (If you have a kind butcher they will score it for you so you only have to rub salt in to get that crispy crackling..
SO Christmas morning arrives and what is there left to do. Turn the oven on, when hot put the roast into a roasting bag and slam that in then sit back and enjoy as much as you can. When the roast is cooked take it out let it rest turn the oven way up high and roast your parsnips and potatoes, 1/2 hour before they are due turn the steamer on and carve your meat. use the liquid from the steamer to make the gravy - gravy granules - they won't care they are being fed for heavens sake. Dessert? Oh don't make anything buy a frozen one and just whip some cream or serve with ice cream and crunch some chocolate over it. Christmas doesn't have to be a major work up and quite frankly I don't have the time any more but the family come - we all eat well drink well (My only drinking day and that is only because we have port!) I buy nuts and have some peanuts and raisins sat on the side with crisps. If they don't like what you do of course suggest that next year they do it!
Two parents close to death, make sure as this time of year means much to them, that there daily lives are the best they can be regardless of all the other dysfunctional crap going on in my family.
Fortunately, through MRI's and diagnoses from Dr.'s they have about 20% or less, cognitive ability.
My father is mute,
My mother is and has no memory Alzheimer's.
SO
"My Life is a Journey, Not a Race, and this year and every year, my parents brought me into this world, did the best they could, so I am privileged to give them the best I can"
Jessie, I understand your feeling that caregivers who live with the parent are held to a whole different set of expectations than others, but I'm in the same position as you are and I don't live with Mom (although I did for a year or so). Everyone, including two sisters who each live within a few blocks of my mother, views my mother as my problem, although I live in a different town. When Thanksgiving rolls around, everyone will just assume that I'm picking her up and getting her to my sister's house, and when we're there I'll be responsible for getting her in and out of the house and serving and helping her while we're there. When Christmas rolls around, everyone will make their plans without regard to Mom, and I'll be left to either make a meal for her or leave her alone with no dinner on Christmas Day.
Once you're "it", you're "it". It doesn't matter whether you live with the parent or not. You're viewed as being responsible for the parent, and everyone else in the family can just go on their merry way living their lives however they want. And your choice is either to continue doing it all or move so far away that it would be impossible for you to do anything and everybody knows it. I've been on the horns of that dilemma since day one. I don't want to totally abandon my mother (or the rest of my family for that matter) but I know that nobody will take any responsibility as long as I'm still in the picture. It s*cks. I totally understand.