Mother has own house, she can drive no kind of bad health. She is just lonely and stays with me, my sister or her niece. Either for a week or up to 6 weeks only going home maybe during the a few days to switch out clothes or check her mail. When asked why she won’t stay home her answer is always is that she is lonely. When she does stay home a night she is begging us to let her come back. She is not married. I’ve given her options to get involved with senior centers and other people her age she never will. We all have lives to live and things to do that we throw to the way side for her to stay with us. And we all get frustrated and tired of this. It doesn’t matter to her what we got going on she will say well I’ll go with you. She will be 72 this April and no health problems that keep her from doing anything! She’s not scared or anything like that, just lonely. I’m 57 and am not in as good of heath as she is. And I do have a life outside my mother but she wants me to drop everything and let her stay. Me and my significant other can’t plan or do anything! What can I possible do to keep myself from getting burned out and I’m also to the point I don’t want to answer her calls, text or my door because I know she will stay. As bad as I hate to say this I feel like hiding from her. Please help me.
Also, her doctor should notified of her depression. She can try antidepressants to see if they can help.
Good luck.
"Mom, the next two weeks won't work for us we have plans."
Keep conversation short and brief.
If she stays with you keep doing all of your plans with your husband.
Go out to dinner, movies, plays, walking the mall, seeing friends, church activities etc.
As you are heading out the door, "Mom, we are heading out on a date.
We will be late. See you tomorrow."
Do not cater to her if she stays with you. Live your life.
If she worked, see if you can find her a volunteer placement that will provide the same sort of company. And look at how she filled in time in other ways, and find substitutes for them. A tour holiday designed for elders might also be a good idea. It simply forces you to talk to other people!
Yes, if there is no option, you just say NO, you are not to come around, you can’t stay overnight. Be prepared for tears, guilt trips, anger etc etc. But remember that your life, marriage and home come first!
Encourage her to get involved in senior activities, church, etc. Explain that you and your significant other have things you're involved in and she can stay when it's convenient for you and you'll let her know when that is. If she chooses not to look for companionship elsewhere it's not on you.
I set boundaries with my Mom that I did not realize until this forum. After Dad died and she stopped driving about 5 years later, I was it. We set up a day for shopping and running errands. Once a week we went out for dinner. Sunday I took her to Church. Her appts were set up around my schedule. Everything else she was able to do for herself. But she did have friends and her Church.
If your problem is you feel with her being there you can't do anything then start doing. She has a car. She can do for herself. She just likes having people around. You don't have to be around 24/7. You want to go away for the week or weekend... Sorry Mom not this week, we won't be home. Mom, got to run an errand, take one of the kids to an activity, will be back sometime after ?. And I would stop this 6 weeks at a time. Maybe you all can set up she spends one weekend a month with each you. Maybe she can find a nice little part-time job. As a hostess or receptionist.
You, sister and niece need to get a plan going to wean Mom from this bad habit she has created. Did her own parents do this type behavior to her when they got older? I'd figure out other uses for the room she stays in, for starters!
All 3 of you need to stop being so nice, make it clear to Mom it is time to find people her own age to get involved with! Like Senior Center activities (Bingo, lunches) or volunteer somewhere.
When she shows up with a suitcase, start asking her, "How long do you plan to stay this time? We have reservations made this week for X and Z, so you are going to be alone here anyway." If she protests (or acts insulted), tell her, "Mom, we do have our own lives and need our family time, I'm sure you understand that, right?" Maybe even say, "Mom, these constant visits aren't working out anymore."
All 3 of you need to wean her down to only staying 2 days max, no more 6 week stays, which is ridiculous! I agree with others to make it clear she can't just tag along uninvited! Come up with events like concerts (no tickets left), or private dinner parties at someone's home, or you are going away for a weekend getaway.
When she says, "I'll go with you" you must tell her, "No Mom, couples only - you were not invited." Or, "This is the only time I have ALONE with Hubby all week!"
Of course all 3 of you could start showing up at her door, and she how she likes it. By the way, I'm 72 and went alone to a live rock venue Saturday night to shoot video of the band! I was not "lonely" in a huge crowd, and glad to get home.
mother does contribute food that she likes to eat, snacks and stuff but she never pays for anything and uses, water, electric, showers household items and thus way she can save on her own household bills and food. She doesn’t clean up her messes. The room she takes over is my craft room since it is the only room she can sleep in due to having a twin bed in it. Maybe I need to take it out.
I’m just overwhelmed with all that she does. I’m taking her to her doctor to talk about the issues and he’s already told her it is nit good to live with family. I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. Thank you for your reply.
BOUNDARIES
YOU establish boundaries for you, for your household.
What other members of the family do is on them.
Tell mom that you can spend ___________name a day of the week with her. that you can be with her from 9:00 am until 3:00 or whatever time works for you.
But you are busy the other days and have a schedule that you want to keep.
Now if it is an emergency that is a different matter.
If she has a doctor appointment and you WANT to take her that is different.
If there is a Senior Center near by get her involved with that. (some also look for Volunteers to make calls to people that are shut in)
If she likes animals if there is a Shelter or Rescue near by she can Volunteer,
Grade Schools look for volunteers for help with class room things. Schools also hire Lunchroom and playground aides. (I will tell you that is hard on the knees standing for 5, 6, hours)
I would remove the twin bed from your craft room and donate it or stick it in
your garage.
The next time she wants to stay over tell her she can visit for 2 hours on this day but you no longer have a guest bed as your doctor wanted you to have an exercise room so you can do exercises for your health situation.
Tell her she needs to start paying you RENT, utilities and food costs. Otherwise stay home! All the crying is ridiculous, when she left home and had her children, did she entertain her Mother constantly?
If she doesn't want to be independent in her own home, then she needs to move into ASSISTED LIVING, where she won't have to shop, cook, clean and do dishes anymore. I would get really annoyed at cleaning up after her. Besides the lack of privacy and peace at home, you have another child to pick up after!
She only misses her fun of taking over your home, not going out of her way (such as making dinners for everyone with her own groceries she bought) and basically freeloading, both financially and emotionally. The crying routine (that seems to work well) is total manipulation.
Her claim "I don't want to be home" is totally childish. AL is NOT a "nursing home" but more of a luxury lifestyle of doing her favorite things, like not cooking or cleaning! Put your foot down. Tell her the crying won't work anymore, she needs to pony up some money, and plan on buying some family groceries, cooking dinners (and doing the dishes). I'm sure you were raised to be more considerate of others, weren't you?
I will confess the best trick I've learned in life at 72 years is the "female crying" trick, to get what I want....if I need to pay less, or get someone to help me, or do what I want, I just start crying....especially on the phone....it works every time. I get discounts, pay less, have someone come over to do my work, or take me out for ice cream or fancy coffee! Nothing gets an old lady what they want faster than a speeding bullet. I always have kleenex handy to ramp it up. I think your Mom knows the trick too.
in Monday’s and Tuesdays etc are my days so no visiting on those days
I would check local churches for what’s on offer in your area
morning tea
sounds like it’s timeshare her to move into assisted accommodation
maybe get details and organise a visit pref with being able to talk to a few people - maybe bring along some biscuits
tell your mother you love her but need your own space as well and if she wants to visit what your visiting
That would be better solved by moving from her home to a senior living complex, or a private home that takes on a few elders as residents.
You need to let her know that she is intruding on your life and your plans. It's one thing to have a room in your house, like a roommate, but demanding your constant attention is draining you and keeping you from having your own life. Set your boundaries and be firm about it. She will try and make emotional appeals; you need to let her see that you will not give in.
Another option, though I hesitate to suggest it, would be for her to find a roommate to live with her in her home. I would be very selective about who that would be!
I’m really glad you reached out, because what you’re dealing with is genuinely exhausting—and more common than people talk about.
First, I want to say this clearly: you are not wrong for feeling burned out. You’ve been trying to care for your mom while also maintaining your own life, and right now those two things are colliding in a way that isn’t sustainable.
Your mom’s loneliness is real, but the current solution—staying with you and other family members for weeks at a time—is putting too much strain on everyone else. Over time, that kind of arrangement doesn’t just cause frustration, it can damage relationships.
What’s missing here isn’t love or effort—it’s clear, consistent boundaries.
It may help to shift from suggesting options (like senior centers) to setting something more concrete. For example, letting her know kindly but firmly that she can visit for a limited number of days, but she can’t continue staying indefinitely. This isn’t about pushing her away—it’s about protecting your ability to have your own life while still caring about her.
It’s also important to expect that she may push back. She may feel hurt, or try to convince you to make exceptions. That doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing—it just means this is a change from what she’s used to. Staying calm and consistent will matter more than trying to explain or justify yourself over and over.
You can still support her in healthier ways—like setting regular times to visit or talk, or even helping her explore social opportunities—but she has to take some responsibility for building a life that doesn’t depend entirely on you.
Right now, avoiding her calls or feeling like you need to hide is a sign that something needs to change. With clearer boundaries, you can actually preserve your relationship with her instead of feeling resentful.
You deserve time with your partner, the ability to make plans, and space to live your own life. Taking that back doesn’t make you a bad daughter—it makes you a human being with limits.
This won’t be easy at first, but it will be healthier for both of you in the long run.
Take care of yourself—you matter in this too.
Thus, she is acting like a teenager. Expecting others to do for her, scared to live alone, not cleaning up after herself, crying to stay with you. Wanting YOU to meet all her needs, because teens can get needy like that.
Maybe approach the situation like she is a teenager…. laying down rules in your home and what behaviors or actions are not acceptable. Nudging her out of the house so she can gain independence and do her own thing.
So, being a teenager mentally- she’s going to push back. She will cry, throw a tantrum, and make it seem like you don’t love her. Let it roll off your back, since you’re the adult here.
You can’t make her grow up, so you get to be the parent, so to speak. Make sense?
Did your mother grow up in a large family? If so, she may want to feel that family familiarity and connection again as she starts to feel more vulnerable. Being around other older people her age may not be something she wants. She may want to be around younger people as many seniors find this more comforting and uplifting.
Is there any way that she could live in a neighborhood/community made up of mostly families? It doesn't sound like senior living is something that she would like.
I'm nearly that age and I don't think it is old. You said she drives and is basically healthy so this dependent behaviour is premature.
A major change in lifestyle is needed. Work with her to get her home ready to sell and find her a nice apartment at an independent living place immediately. She will fight back so you need to be firm. If she refuses, tell her not to call or visit anymore. Block all calls, texts, emails and drop in visits. Just don't answer the door and if it keeps up, call the police and have her removed, that should put an end to harassment immediately. When she knows you are serious she will be more cooperative and if not, oh well.