Hubs moved his mom a year ago against my wishes. He and his sister work, I take care of kids,animals, and house ( sister has no kids). I told them i could help but was not comfortable giving the care she needed and she needed to stay in rehab or nursing home. I specifically outlined what would happen after her 21day stay and that everyday after she was paying over 200 a day to be there so USE the REHAB while ur there. She never tried to get up to use the restroom in rehab, and when the bill came do. She freaked! I was the idea to take care of her since I don't work. I protested and protested but a year later her she is. I told my hubs at Thanksgiving ( when sister will be here) I'm simply going to ask what their plan is? I can not continue to take care of all of my responsibilities plus theirs! I'm thinking of saying something like, I would like to see her in her own place by the beginning of summer. Is that to harsh? It will have been 18months of living here at that point.
You have a discussion with your husband as to what you want to change.
Would having a caregiver..that MIL pays for improve the situation?
Would having your husband be more hands on with her care help the situation? You want her in her own place by summer. Can she manage on her own? Would Assisted Living be better for her?
I also should ask you if MIL paid you for your caregiving duties would that help? (do a quick search for the cost of caregivers in your area. It could be anything from $25.00 to $50.00 per hour more for live in or 24 hour care. It all depends on the care she needs and if medication is involved the cost would be much higher.
MIL should also be paying her FAIR share of ALL household expenses. Is she?
By all expenses I mean if there are 5 people living in the house she should be paying 1/5 of mortgage, gas bill, electric, cable, food and all the rest.
Your feelings and request is valid, this is your home as well.
The big question is if push comes to shove is this a choice of you or your MIL that your husband has to make?
This is a marital issue and marital problem.
I would sit down and tell husband that you cannot now go on and that you don't intend to, and that you don't intend to argue about it. I would tell him that he needs to address placement now for his Mom. I would give him a time limit, and I would tell him that after that time limit is up you will be going to a divorce attorney.
I caution you that, before making this move, you make certain to take out money into an account of your own, as you husband may make very quick and certain moves to secrete his money away to places where you cannot access it, thus attempting to prevent any escape of his slave-labor.
Are you cooking Thanksgiving dinner on top of it all?
I can only guess that after those weeks of him having to deal with his mom 24/7 that he will be more than happy to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And if not you may have to leave with the kids permanently, as any man that would put his mom before his wife and kids is no man at all and should be kicked to the curb.
Like Alva said below, this is really a marriage issue and not a MIL issue.
On whichever day next week your children finish school (Tuesday or Wednesday), take them and your pets directly to somewhere else. Family, or an inexpensive airbnb, even if it's just in town. Don't tell him WHERE you're going, Don't answer any phone calls from him. Tell him that he and his sister are fully responsible for their mother Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Tell him by the time you get home on Sunday evening, they will need to have a plan because you will not be caring for their mother during the upcoming week, or any other week either. They need to take FMLA from their jobs until their mother is removed from your home, permanently. (If you homeschool your children, leave as soon as your husband comes home from work tomorrow.)
And don't ever describe yourself as "I don't work." Taking care of children IS work. Stop devaluing yourself. Seriously, how dare he?
MIL “is capable of almost everything, she just don't want to do it”. You stop doing it for her. If you want the holiday season to be peaceful, make the change on first January. Just tell her, your husband and sister of the new rules, and start them immediately. Actions speak louder than words.
I think you are confusing "responsibility" with having a voice in how you live your life. What I mean is, you do not need to justify how busy you already are. If you are uncomfortable with your MIL living in your house, and you have to spend the most time with her, since you are home, while hubby leaves to go to work, you have every right to ask for your home back, to have peaceful enjoyment of your home life, which you have spent years building.
Your husband is being too passive. He is not making a plan. You must either make the plan, or INSIST that he and/or your Sister-In-Law make a plan that does not include you as their mother's caregiver, or babysitter.
No, that is not too harsh! It is your home. You can reclaim it, whether you have any kids or animals to take care of or not!
Actually, it seems MIL is capable of living independently. No one really needs to make a plan for her, your husband just needs to step up and tell her that living with you indefinitely is not an arrangement that is working out and she will need to find another place to live. And give a deadline! Otherwise, no action will be taken.
Don't ask. Tell. January 1 MIL needs to be living elsewhere.
If you have to move out with the kids and animals for 4 weeks and let husband and SIL deal with MIL>
No doubt if you talk to your MIL, SIL, and husband at the same time there will very likely be a lot of gaslighting going on because chances are everyone wants the status quo to remain as it is, with you taking care of your MIL 24/7.
Speak to your husband privately and speak to him plainly. Tell him that you cannot ans will not go on with his mother living with you then give him a date that she has to be moved out by, otherwise you will leave him. It is up to him and his sister to make arrangements for their mother. Since he supports you financially because you don't earn, you really can't complain about being responsible for the care of your own kids and the domestic chores. If you're a stay-at-home-whatever this is your responsibility. Dealing with your invalid MIL 24/ is not.
There's another even easier way to slove your problems at home.
Get a job.
If you're at work all day earning, there won't be anyone at home to take care of your MIL. Also, by you working, your husband, SIL, and you can hire people to take care of the animals, clean the house, and provide childcare and share the costs.
Why is it that people that punch in with a time clock (ie, paycheck, you're PAID for your time) think that they own all time everywhere and anybody who does not punch in with a time clock, who has a self-directed day regardless of how it's spent, OWES everyone their time?
Newsflash: They don't.
Care home -whatever
The cost is non of your business
you can’t sacrifice your sanity and health to save her money
find out all the details then sit down with hubby
remembering this is his mother so an emotional subject so try and be sympathetic but firm
hubby we need a serious talk now- it’s time for your mother to move out
this was never a permanent arrangement and it’s now impacting my health and sanity
Ive made enquiries and these are the options
We need to agree a date and make arrangements
good luck
I think it is not a matter of "ask", and more like " tell" hubs and sis that you are no longer going to do this and that they need to make another arrangement by such and such a date. 30 days is not unreasonable. You don't need to justify your decision. It's your life and if this is not working for you, you have the right to put an end to it. I agree the cost is not your problem.
What this means is that you are setting boundaries to protect yourself. If people don't respect your boundaries there will be consequences. What consequences are you comfortable with? That you will get a job at the end of this period. that you wll simply stop caring for mil, that you will leave for a vacation until other arrangements are made? It's up to you. They have no right to decide how you are going to spend your days.
Yes, this is a touchy subject; however hubs and his sis are using you. I think you are going to have to be firm. I wouldn't give them 6 months but 1, 2 or 3 at the most. Do expect pushback from them. People don't like their comfortable apple carts upset. But you are the one who is suffering and it is up to you to make the change.
Wishing you the best. Stay firm in your own interests Let us know how things go. ((((hugs))))
Let them get angry. Like somebody else's anger is your problem. Their anger is their problem and not being able to be used any longer. Don't let this drag on any longer. Start applying for jobs to get you out of the home even if it's part time for starters.
I did free caregiving for my younger sister for three years straight with no relief. The cost I calculated was $50,000 a year. Go figure.
If she has money saved, the assisted living/nursing home will spend it down first, and she could be switched over to Medicaid eventually when the money runs out. All the best.
I would inform husband "I can't do this anymore. You and your sis need to find a place where your mom can get the care she needs and deserves. I will stop doing this care on Jan 1."
What you've been saying and what you are actually doing is incongruent.
'Protested and protested' doesn't mean anything if you keep doing it.
In other words, be clear on your boundaries - what you will and will not do and stick to it.
It might help you and the family if you put this in writing.
If you are having difficulty saying 'no,' while frustrated and exhausted, come to terms with your 'inner dilemna' and be very clear on what you want - and WHY you cave in . . . as this is where your 'problem' comes in. You keep doing what you do not want to do. Until you can answer the WHY AM I DOING THIS ??? the situation will remain the same.
It is a red flag to me hearing "Is that to (too) harsh?" as if you are not confident in what you want nor how you feel. If you allow others to decide what you will and will not do, then that is on you. You will continue to feel exhausted and angry at the situation, and it will then back-fire on you/r your health, if it hasn't already.
You need to develop a backbone - (tough love here).
Otherwise, you will continue to do what others expect and/or demand you do as you continue to be frustrated and angry.
Why not move out for a week or two?
Go to an Air b'n'b or take a mini vacation.
Only you can show them you 'mean business' by your actions.
Put your 'decisions' in writing and have a group meeting.
Then you must stick to your decisions to be taken seriously.
Then go see a therapist. You need this support.
Gena
I hope you have walked out on your husband and his sister, as some of us suggesting, and are enjoying a MIL-free Thanksgiving holiday long weekend. Please let us know where things stand now. As you can see by all the replies, we care about you.