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See a divorce layer first and get your options. Then start looking for facilities. Most ALL will refuse a died-hard smoker. It won't be easy!

If MIL still has her house, send her back and let Husband/Sister pay for caregivers. Or sell it to pay for Long Term care.
During holidays (when everyone is there) prepare and rehearse a short speech...Don't get emotional, no anger, threats...Keep it calm. Announce after dinner you have something important to say:

"It's been a year now, so I expect other arrangements be made with MIL's living here within 30 days. I won't let this situation continue further. I didn't agree to it in the beginning, and my Husband made vows to ME, not his Mother. I've tolerated enough this past year and it will not continue. I've already consulted a lawyer and know my legal rights. There are limited options:
1. MIL goes back to her home with hired care she pays for;
2. MIL goes to Long Term facility at her expense;
3. MIL moves in with Sister; OR
4. I start divorce proceedings, which will include child support/alimony.
I'm not legally required to provide MIL's "hands on" caregiving whatsoever. I have no problem with filing a divorce, either.
You have 10 days to provide your decision. Your deadline is _____."

Then get up and walk out of the room calmy. I'd probably get my coat and purse and leave to go see a movie, or just get out of there and go get coffee. Take the kids with you. They shouldn't be stuck listening to the nastiness.
Let Husband, MIL and Sister duke it out. Husband will be outnumbered by Wife & Kids. If he sees a lawyer, he won't get good news either.

Best of luck!
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Reply to Dawn88
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2, 2025
It’s fair to everyone to lay it right on the line. I’d write it out first and leave a copy, so that they don’t start arguing about the detail of what you actually said (eg have you seen a lawyer already).
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I didn’t find your post from earlier today, so these posts are a bit crossed. I’m glad that you had a ‘door open’ conversation, but please don’t be nervous about how anyone will take an ultimatum. It sounds as though your husband is more or less on side with you, but my guess is that SIL won’t be. If Christmas and Thanksgiving are ‘literally the only time she comes to visit”, she has absolutely no idea of your problems. She has none, and any change will be worse for her. More money, more involvement!

It would be a good idea to keep the suggestions from Dawn88, with the 30 day limit. If nothing is clear straight after Christmas (or SIL doesn’t actually ‘stop by’), grit your teeth and follow that line.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2, 2025
I simply don't understand what causes these duplicate posts, Sorry, folks!
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I didn’t find your post from earlier today, so these posts are a bit crossed. I’m glad that you had a ‘door open’ conversation, but please don’t be nervous about how anyone will take an ultimatum. It sounds as though your husband is more or less on side with you, but my guess is that SIL won’t be. If Christmas and Thanksgiving are ‘literally the only time she comes to visit”, she has absolutely no idea of your problems. She has none, and any change will be worse for her. More money, more involvement!

It would be a good idea to keep the suggestions from Dawn88, with the 30 day limit. If nothing is clear straight after Christmas (or SIL doesn’t actually ‘stop by’), grit your teeth and follow that line. It would also be good to make it clear that a 'return home' is a one way trip our of your house, not an experiment to 'see how it goes'.
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Stick to your guns. Don't let them wriggle out of a conversation and don't back down. Good luck and keep us updated!
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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From your follow-up below, " She )SIL) asked what I meant and my hubs replied " I think she can live on her own or she needs to find a place". SIL agreed and we discussed possibly moving her back home but agreed we would all talk at Christmas."

You MIL still has her own home? Don't wait until Christmas. Tell your husband he needs to move his mother back to her home now. Before Christmas. On the next day your husband has off from work, have your MIL's bags packed and in his car and send them off.

He can have the conversation with his sister from your MIL's house.

In the meantime, stop providing any care whatsoever for your MIL. Your husband can do it all. Literally every bit.

Who buys your MIL her cigarettes, btw? If she capable of buying her own cigarettes, she's capable of living on her own. If someone else is bringing them into your home, tell them to stop.
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Reply to MG8522
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Simplytired Dec 28, 2025
Hello, thanks for responding. I am back with an update. And to answer a few questions. So yes she still owns her home. It needs some work or she wants to sell it to the neighbor. The neighbor owns a business and needs to sell some heavy equipment to come up with the cash. So nothing is done done. All of her belongings are still there. Except for valuables that we took out just in case. When I say she is in no hurry to do ANYTHING that's what I mean. As far as $ goes she makes enough to go to almost any facility that's not 6,000 or more a month without tapping into assets. And she has prob close to 250,000 if needed. The problem is her wants. Simply put she wants to be taken care of 100% ( she can now get up to use the bathroom, but needs help with everything else) but doesn't want to be lonely at home and have freedom to do whatever and have to take care of herself. And she doesn't want to go anywhere that she looses freedoms, even if they provide 100% care.... SO... at Christmas it wasn't my ideal situation but... the hubs brought sister aside and just said mom needs to go home. Sister said I spoke with her about that since Thanksgiving and she does not want to go home. He told her basically she has 2 choices, find a facility or go home. Sister was trying to say well she pays her way, she doesn't want to b3 alone, she doesn't want to be somewhere that smoking is not allowed. So where else can she go? At that point I just said, she has to make a decision. We are not a nursing home and she has home. If she doesn't like her options she can go to ur house. Im done raising humans. I dont think she liked the thought of that and said she would start looking at facilities and trying to talk it up to her mom. Im disappointed that I'm still left without a def. answer. But I made my point to the hubs and he made our point to his sister. Maybe the ball will get rolling before I have to start packing. Let hope.
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Simply tired, thanks for your update in response to my comment below. I hope everyone will read it. So your MIL has her own home, income, and assets, to pay for care or a facility. But she wants a fulltime servant, so your husband’s sister has appointed you as the servant, and your husband refuses to tell his sister no on your behalf. Why is he so terrified of her, and of his mother?

Why do all these other people get to literally dictate your life? Why can’t your husband do anything? Why can’t he call/email/text his sister when she isn’t at your home for a holiday? Why can’t he say no to his mother and sister?

I think your choices are to 1) put your MIL in the car and drop her off at her daughter’s house, or 2). Pack now and take a two- week vacation, leaving your husband with the fulltime round-the-clock dictates of his mother. You really don’t deserve this situation they expect you to just tolerate.
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Reply to MG8522
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Seems husband is on board now but don't let SIL stetch thinks out. Jan 1 is fast approaching tell SIL she either takes Mom to her home or has her stay with Sis till a place is found. Or you tell Mom, she is going home. She is perfectly able to care for herself, you are not her slave. Oncevin her home, Sis can then figure out what to to with her. Pack her up after Jan 1 and take her home.

In the meantime, get her ready to return home. Do nothing for her you know she can do on her own.

My brother asked me how did I get my kids out of my house? I told him you have to be a B***h. I did nothing for then they could not do for themselves. Because my kitchen is seen from my front door, I want it straightened up at all times. That means clean up you own mess. My SIL babied her two and the 38 yr old still lives home. Of course MIL wants to stay if you do things for her. Your actually doing her a favor making her do for herself.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Simply tired,
Thanks for being so responsive on the Forum. It really helps, and is helpful to others when a situation can be more thoroughly explored.

At the end of your last response you say you hope that the ball will get rolling to make changes before you have to start "packing". In all truth I think that it may not. It has gone on too long, and she's formed an opinion of what she can "get by with".
I think you well MAY need to start packing, so whether it's a vacation away, or a trip to the motel on the other side of town with the family knowing you will be consulting divorce attorneys for options, there may come a real need in the new year for push to come to shove.

I sure wish you luck. JoAnn is right. Sometimes you have to be a WITCH (the kind that starts with "B".)
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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JeanLouise Dec 30, 2025
That "B" word stands for
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself
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