Hubs moved his mom a year ago against my wishes. He and his sister work, I take care of kids,animals, and house ( sister has no kids). I told them i could help but was not comfortable giving the care she needed and she needed to stay in rehab or nursing home. I specifically outlined what would happen after her 21day stay and that everyday after she was paying over 200 a day to be there so USE the REHAB while ur there. She never tried to get up to use the restroom in rehab, and when the bill came do. She freaked! I was the idea to take care of her since I don't work. I protested and protested but a year later her she is. I told my hubs at Thanksgiving ( when sister will be here) I'm simply going to ask what their plan is? I can not continue to take care of all of my responsibilities plus theirs! I'm thinking of saying something like, I would like to see her in her own place by the beginning of summer. Is that to harsh? It will have been 18months of living here at that point.
If MIL still has her house, send her back and let Husband/Sister pay for caregivers. Or sell it to pay for Long Term care.
During holidays (when everyone is there) prepare and rehearse a short speech...Don't get emotional, no anger, threats...Keep it calm. Announce after dinner you have something important to say:
"It's been a year now, so I expect other arrangements be made with MIL's living here within 30 days. I won't let this situation continue further. I didn't agree to it in the beginning, and my Husband made vows to ME, not his Mother. I've tolerated enough this past year and it will not continue. I've already consulted a lawyer and know my legal rights. There are limited options:
1. MIL goes back to her home with hired care she pays for;
2. MIL goes to Long Term facility at her expense;
3. MIL moves in with Sister; OR
4. I start divorce proceedings, which will include child support/alimony.
I'm not legally required to provide MIL's "hands on" caregiving whatsoever. I have no problem with filing a divorce, either.
You have 10 days to provide your decision. Your deadline is _____."
Then get up and walk out of the room calmy. I'd probably get my coat and purse and leave to go see a movie, or just get out of there and go get coffee. Take the kids with you. They shouldn't be stuck listening to the nastiness.
Let Husband, MIL and Sister duke it out. Husband will be outnumbered by Wife & Kids. If he sees a lawyer, he won't get good news either.
Best of luck!
It would be a good idea to keep the suggestions from Dawn88, with the 30 day limit. If nothing is clear straight after Christmas (or SIL doesn’t actually ‘stop by’), grit your teeth and follow that line.
It would be a good idea to keep the suggestions from Dawn88, with the 30 day limit. If nothing is clear straight after Christmas (or SIL doesn’t actually ‘stop by’), grit your teeth and follow that line. It would also be good to make it clear that a 'return home' is a one way trip our of your house, not an experiment to 'see how it goes'.
You MIL still has her own home? Don't wait until Christmas. Tell your husband he needs to move his mother back to her home now. Before Christmas. On the next day your husband has off from work, have your MIL's bags packed and in his car and send them off.
He can have the conversation with his sister from your MIL's house.
In the meantime, stop providing any care whatsoever for your MIL. Your husband can do it all. Literally every bit.
Who buys your MIL her cigarettes, btw? If she capable of buying her own cigarettes, she's capable of living on her own. If someone else is bringing them into your home, tell them to stop.
Why do all these other people get to literally dictate your life? Why can’t your husband do anything? Why can’t he call/email/text his sister when she isn’t at your home for a holiday? Why can’t he say no to his mother and sister?
I think your choices are to 1) put your MIL in the car and drop her off at her daughter’s house, or 2). Pack now and take a two- week vacation, leaving your husband with the fulltime round-the-clock dictates of his mother. You really don’t deserve this situation they expect you to just tolerate.
In the meantime, get her ready to return home. Do nothing for her you know she can do on her own.
My brother asked me how did I get my kids out of my house? I told him you have to be a B***h. I did nothing for then they could not do for themselves. Because my kitchen is seen from my front door, I want it straightened up at all times. That means clean up you own mess. My SIL babied her two and the 38 yr old still lives home. Of course MIL wants to stay if you do things for her. Your actually doing her a favor making her do for herself.
Thanks for being so responsive on the Forum. It really helps, and is helpful to others when a situation can be more thoroughly explored.
At the end of your last response you say you hope that the ball will get rolling to make changes before you have to start "packing". In all truth I think that it may not. It has gone on too long, and she's formed an opinion of what she can "get by with".
I think you well MAY need to start packing, so whether it's a vacation away, or a trip to the motel on the other side of town with the family knowing you will be consulting divorce attorneys for options, there may come a real need in the new year for push to come to shove.
I sure wish you luck. JoAnn is right. Sometimes you have to be a WITCH (the kind that starts with "B".)
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself