He is so perplexed and confused when we visit in person because, in his mind, he’s hours away from his home and can’t figure out how or why his family has shown up! Phone calls are okay; we just play along. But it honestly feels like in-person visits might destabilize him.
I know everyone says we need to visit often, but what if the in-person visiting is too confusing for him, and feels pointless because he will forget we were ever there?
Sometimes it is hard to have a real conversation with someone with dementia and ends up with everyone just sitting around and staring. Take advantage of the situation if he responds to your comments, even if none of it is true, make it up as you go along!! Talking can be good exercise for the lungs, swallowing, etc.!
Also remember, as long as it doesn’t totally get him upset & angry, it doesn’t matter if he remembers you were there or not, it’s not pointless. Many times (not always) they are comforted in the moment by your hugs, holding their hand, hearing a familiar voice.
My dad hasn’t followed the “typical” Alzheimer’s pattern. He doesn’t specifically know us anymore. Can’t put sentences together & most of the time even words. Some days he has know idea who we are, that we are even there. Eyes closed tight, no response. He definitely forgets we were there pretty much anytime, but the days he opens his eyes, looks right at us, actually sees us & says “Hey! I love you kid”, or the days his eyes are closed, but you hold his hand & he grabs it & holds tight after he hears your voice & he doesn’t do that with the staff……those are days I cherish.
I would visit and play along with whatever he thinks, IMO it would not cause any further confusion, their minds live in that state.
Visit when you want to, play along go home and go about your life. Limit your visits as needed, yes, he will forget when you were there, just how it works with a broken brain.
People with dementia live in the moment even if distorted memories, fantasies. They 'do' use / respond to other senses more such as tone of (your) voice, facial expressions, touch, energy.
They KNOW when they are loved - in the moment.
It doesn't matter of they forget the next moment or the next day.
Actually, the moment is all we all have when you think about it.
My MIL age 99 has lived with my husband and myself for almost two years. She has dementia and has forgotten everything from about age 8-10. Of course parents and siblings are all dead. She often asks if her mother is still her or if she is coming today or if we can go see her dad. I will move(get her attention toward something different through visual cues), say something off the wall like lets dust this table, or are you hungry yet, or sometimes just say -we are the only ones here. If she wants to go home (childhood) we say it is too hot, too cold, going to rain or we can’t today let’s talk about it tomorrow. However, I will admit in the very beginning when she asked why her parents and sisters did not visit, I tried to explain how they had all died and were in heaven. She was so shocked. She went on and on why no one had told her and who killed them and is he coming after me? Finally when she calmed down, she said why haven’t they at least called and let me know where they were? I told her if I get to heaven before her I would have them call!! So that was when I learned how important it is to just avoid the whole conversation. There will be less and less understanding. Every once in awhile she recalls that and will say “someone came in and killed my whole family”. I can laugh now!!! The bad thing is how she forgets everything. The good thing is that she forgets everything in less than a minute and you can move on. The brain cannot process information for understanding. I’ve learned to ask no questions either -because she has no clue what you are saying. If you miss what she says, don’t ask her to repeat it because she won’t know what you are talking about. I am content to keep her safe , clean, well fed, and happy. I had to let go of making sense, explaining why she needs her pills, or giving answers to questions about things long forgotten. I just give her a cookie and watch her smile.
Keep calling him. I'm sure he enjoys it. Let him tell you all about his business trip.
In time, he may start asking you to come visit him. Do so then.
In my situation, we were doing weekly Facetime calls on an ipad (we live several states away) with my dad who is 92 w dementia.
We felt that was a good alternative to visiting in person. He could see us, we could see him.
But after a few months, the Facetimes were causing confusion. My dad thought they were business meetings between my husband, my dad, and me.
This lasted a few times, until my dad ended up calling me on the phone and told me he had decided to close his business.
So we stopped the Facetime calls for a while. We didn't want him to think his business was back open.
He had also been calling my husband several times a week to have what he thought were business phone calls. But as soon as my dad told me he had closed his business, he completely stopped calling my husband. (I posed a question about this which includes "Therapeutic Fibbing" on this Forum in May, so I guess this is an update of sorts.)
My dad no longer thinks he has business meetings. He does think he needs to travel--he traveled every single week for work. (He would call me saying someone stole his tickets, but that has stopped.) He can be redirected, or the caregivers will say there's a storm and his flight got changed, and he says ok.
But then he began talking about going to class and going to lectures--so we assumed he had gone further back in time, to his college years.
And just recently he asked the caregiver what she will be doing after high school. He thought she attended the same high school he had just graduated from.
So he is definitely going back in time.
On a recent Facetime (we felt it was ok to have them again) he told me we need to meet at a beach that he went to as a child. So perhaps he is still in the teen years, or younger. He talks about his parents more often now.
So with peace and love to the ones who say you need to visit often, it may worsen things. Just something to keep in mind.
I hope you find what works best for you and your family.
Much of the time, his dementia seems fine. But, out of the blue, he can become very confused. Like forgetting that his significant other of many years died last year, when reminded that she is "gone", he claims he just talked to her, forgetting that we sold his house and liquidated his antiques business, etc. Last evening, he didn't want what we were having for dinner...he wanted a sandwich. He doesn't eat a lot, so we give him what he wants. My wife took it in to him and he said something about someone coming to the door and to give them the sandwich.
Some people have different views on dealing with it. I tend to "read the room" and decide based on the situation. With the issue with forgetting that his girlfriend had died, I had to remind him that she died. Why? Because he wanted me to take him down to her apartment. Even then, he said "No, no, no...I just talked to her.". In that event, I just try to re-direct his attention to something else. Now, in the case with the sandwich thing...it's not really that important, so my wife just plays along and said OK.
All that being said, not visiting your father is not the answer. You just have to sometimes, be (nicely) honest, sometimes agree with them and other times, be creative. That's what I have learned this past year.
He replied ,
“ They can say they are surprising me on my trip and bring me a dessert . “
Gauge your visits based on his needs, not what a nonexistent “everyone” says. Is he happy to see you everyday or is he often withdrawn? Does he ignore your attempts at conversation? Does he spend the whole visit complaining? Does he enjoy it when you wheel him outside? Are your visits more for you or him?
I visit my husband in memory care almost every day. If the results weren’t positive for both of us, I’d reevaluate and try something that works better.
Do your visits or lack of visits in an experimental week make a good deal of difference.
To my mind I don't see how this isn't working, honestly.
You surely are, however, fast approaching a time when memory care will be required rather than ALF unless Dad is a very peaceable and content guy overall.
As far as being a regular presence in the facility, you can see him from around corners. Speak with the caregivers and let them see you keeping an eye on things. It's more about the facility knowing you are around and monitoring his care than being a visitor for him. It really does make a difference.
If dad is too confused or agitated, see that he's prescribed a calming med like Ativan. It helped mom quite a bit. Use brandees excellent suggestion for what to say to him when you get to the ALF.
Best of luck to you.