How to handle a spouse who constantly complains about helping take care of your parents?

You need to put you and your spouse first or you will lose your marriage.

Book a 2 week cruise for you and your spouse.

Put Mom in 2 week (or 1 month) respite care while you are gone. Dad can visit her there every day.

Alternatively hire a care agency for the two weeks while you are gone with Mom's money. They can cover Mom's care 24 hours at the house while you are gone.

"In the end....it is you or them."

If she is bedbound she should be repositioned every 2 hours to prevent bed sores. Her diaper should also be checked every 2 hours and changed if need be.

A nursing home will do this. Dad can visit her there.

Care is tough for caregivers of bedbound seniors. Mom was 110 pounds. It was tough. I can't imagine the work at 300 pounds.

It is all rather confusing.
You are taking care of bedridden mother, father who cannot get around helps you.
Mother is 300 pounds, you are working, so who is taking care of her or him?
Is your husband working as well, if so do you have extra help?
Or is he home taking care of both?
If so then it is not fair to anybody.
Parents need more help, you cannot possibly do it all. Maybe your husband is tired of all of it and he would be rightfully so.
He sees two declining seniors, you are stressed out.
How is this scenario good for anyone? And you as couple don’t deserve it and perhaps parents deserve better help.
I am not saying you are not doing right by them.
Sometimes first step is admitting to ourselves that we cannot do it all.

Answering from days I was younger and caregiver and now living other side. Took care of Mother after surgery but was transitioning to assisted care which she needed due to cancer diagnosis that was terminal. Could see where I and family headed. Exhausted trying ti do it all. Just think that aides put in their best when caregiving but they go home after their shift to rest and life. You never get that break nor can you see a future of nerber being exhausted and peace of mind. Very challenging to care for one, thinking impossible to manage 2nd person.
Perhaps your spouse is seeing what this is doing to you and realizes this cannot continue indefinitely before you are the next one down ( 3rd person ) needing to be taken care if. He lives you and doesn't want to lose you and your life together.
Be a caregiver manager. Move Mom and Dad to care facility, will be taken care of by staff who are well trained and rested. You can then have the gift of quality time with them. Like reading to them, holding their hand, telling them about special memories you cherished. And then time to spend and treasure with your spouse.

Okay, so now the thoughts from.me at 80. In assisted living where son, daughter, spouses and grands visit with happy smiling faces, full of life, lots of news, stories and good times together. It is life experienced all over again. I know they love me and aren't bogged down with stress of how to manage all that can happen.
Good luck. Prayers

no one has asked for this = not your parents = for their age issues - not you - not your husband for his restricted life. Caring for someone is a lot of sacrifice. It is commendable he has helped but in reality - fairness for all - he does deserve a life as well - and so do you. You need to find some form of help to share the load. You cant expect to give up your life and your husbands - there has to be a balance. Explore what help is available. Its a lot of stress one parent - but coping with two - its burnout. Try not to take it personally but to stand back from a neutral position - is this fair - and the honest answer is it may be right as a child but its not fair. Its not fair on your husband and its not fair on you! - It needs addressing. It doesnt mean that getting help you love your parents any less. They both sound like they need full time care - explore your options would be a prudent idea.

My husband and kids were like a team with me when they were available to help me with my parents. Their grandparents and my husbands in-laws. We have always been a very close and loving family. My parents did not expect us to do anything for them, but I would never have had it any other way. I love my parents so much, and taking care of them until they passed was my love back to them. If I had become a paraplegic, they would have taken care of me, and I really cannot think of many other people who would.

I personally know of a friend who fell into a rocky river while taking a photo. She became a paraplegic. Her husband divorced her after a few months. He said he was just not up for taking care of her. So much for the vows of in sickness and in health. Her MOTHER and SISTER take care of her. She is a wonderful woman and her family loves her, as well as her friends.

If you do place them in a facility, you should visit often and do your research on the place and people that work there.

I suggest hiring someone from Care.com to come in occasionally for time with your husband and a break for you both. Maybe even a house cleaner. Anything to help lighten the load and relieve some of the stress of extra tasks.

I wish you the best of luck.
🙏❤️🍀

Devils Advocate here but your husband did not ask for this either
Your parents need to pay for caregivers. Ones that will come in and help out.
You also need to come up with a way to get Respite care.
Any option that would give you some time.
A relative.
A paid caregiver.
Placing them in a facility for a week or better yet 2 weeks.
Now you need to look for options.
Placing them in a facility that can meet their care needs.
Full time caregivers.
Applying for Medicaid if that is necessary.
If mom or dad are Veterans see if they are due any benefits.
Check with your local Senior Center and see if they are aware of any programs that might help
If either mom or dad ..or both would be eligible for Hospice you would have a Nurse check in 1 time a week. The Nurse would order all medical supplies and equipment that is needed.
A CNA that would give a bath or shower 2 times a week. the CNA would order all the personal supplies.
All supplies and equipment would be delivered to you'
And with Hospice Medicare/Medicaid would pay for Respite care.

You can not do it all. You can not continue the way it is.

Please don't assume that home care for parents is better than facility care. There is no way that you (and husband and dad) can take care of mom better than a team of dedicated professional caregivers in a facility. Also, instead of three exhausted adults trying to provide 24/7 care for a possibly ungrateful 300-pound woman, she'd have friends, recreation, interaction with guests and staff, and they'd check her briefs every 2 hours and change if necessary. She needs that.

Nursing homes today aren't like the ones years ago. The aides get ongoing training, the rooms are usually light and bright, and the food is mostly appealing and served with a smile.

Please, for mom's sake and yours, find a good assisted living home and get mom into it ASAP. There is no need to break up your marriage because your parents dumped their care onto you. Doing right by mom would be providing better care than she can get at home, and it might save your life and your marriage.

I wish all of you the best.

I am so sorry that you and your family are in this situation. Mine is similar, except that I am about eight years older than you, caring for my 94 year old father in my husband and i’s home, going into the sixth year now. I completely understand where you are coming from—there are no 100% perfect solutions and you probably feel paralyzed. But please consider that no one ages backwards. Things continue to become more and more difficult. I myself am in a situation that some of dad’s health issues preclude in home care. Did I see that coming—never being able to get any help? Should have but didn’t. My husband is newly retired and deserves and wants my attention. Dad supports that (although he has never once heard my husband complain, or me for that matter) and has voiced that I spend too much time on his care, given that my husband is now home (although Dad is unaware of much of it—a lot goes on without him in terms of doctor coordination/communication, laundry and cleaning while he sleeps, etc etc etc). But I can’t change his care needs. And they grow daily now (including new meds just added that mean I need to get up at four am to give him one—he goes right back to sleep, go crazy trying to orchestrate timing of it all all day, and not finish until 10:30pm.. have done similar in past but those meds were temporary. These are now long term.)

We are going to try to go on vaca in a month or so, with dad going to respite care at a nursing home (which he will pay for). This isn’t easy to arrange and I can tell dad is nervous about it. A lot can happen to mess it all up. My husband is counting on it being doable (and I am too).

I guess I’m just trying to say, I would recommend that you don’t keep getting in deeper and deeper like I have, where options for everybody become less and less. A hoyer lift and the care needs of a bedridden person would absolutely go beyond my personal boundaries of caretaking (and believe me I have done a lot of extreme stuff I never dreamed would be required). As some others have mentioned, your dad in particular might enjoy assisted living where he wouldn’t be isolated and a caregiver himself. I know my dad would have enjoyed ALF, but now his care needs are more in the lTC/SNF realm, even though cognitively an ALF would be more of a fit. It is all very hard, I know. And the financial end of it comes into play too. But I encourage you to look into other (not-your-home) options now, when the options are more plentiful and maybe more attractive, at least for your Dad, and maybe your mom too. And for your and your husbands’ futures, as well. Right now your dad sounds like he does a lot, and you work outside the home. This can’t last forever. When you become all there is for caregiving 24/7/365 and are isolated it is very hard. Investing in other relationships is challenging and sometimes impossible (even when they need you). When I had Covid a couple years ago, it worked out because I could double mask and glove and set out food and meds clearly marked for dad, etc. Now he isn’t able to navigate that. I worry all the time what would happen if I became incapacitated. (I do not expect my husband to do hands on care.). You should consider that, too, and make plans just in case. A lot of factors go into it that aren’t clear in the beginning!

I looked at your profile after reading the comments below, and waytomisery is correct: your mother needs much more care, including more frequent diaper changes, than you and your father are able to provide. So despite your best intentions, you are not doing right by her and are not taking good care of her. Keeping her out of a nursing home is harming her. That is not your fault, it is simply the reality of the situation. You need to face this reality and deal with it, for everyone's sake. I think once you have your mother settled and possibly your father too, you will feel a sense of relief that you can't even imagine right now, and wonder why you didn't do this sooner. Keep us posted on how it goes.

Caregiving is stressful. So much so that 30% of caregivers die BEFORE the person they are caring for. That could mean you or your husband dying before your parents. What then?

A more likely scenario is that you or your husband become ill and unable to assist with your parents' care, and now one of you will also require care. How is that going to work? I know it's a terrifying thought, but from what you describe, you're heading toward a caregiving cliff if you don't make some immediate changes to relieve the caregiving burden on you and your husband.

Your husband is well within his rights to complain. He married you, not your parents.

While the Bible says "honor your parents", that means to respect them. It does not mean setting you and your husband's lives on fire to keep them warm - or turning your home into a nursing home with family members being unpaid caregivers 24/7.

You are right your parents didn't ask for this and neither did you or your husband. That is a good first step to admit. How old are you and your parents. Have you thought about the real possibilty that this situation can go on for 10-20 years depending on the life expectancy of your parents. Do you really want to do this for that long? It may sound callous but it is the reality of aging.

It is admirable that you want to "do right by them", but that doesn't mean you need to be the 100% hands on caregiver. Why haven't they hired help? Your mother being bed ridden indicates major health issues that need proffesional help. Please realize their wants are no longer top priority. You have to establish in them their needs are greater than you and your husband can manage and more help is necessary for everyones well being.

They need to hire aides, cleaning help, maybe move to a more medically friendly community that will enable your parent to age in a continum level of care.

Stress will kill you and your husbands unhappiness will only become greater. Do something now before it is too late. I wish you strengh and clarity during this difficult journey.

*I just looked at your profile and you are my age. I am POA for my uncle and two years ago he experienced a medical emergency that prevented him from walking and is now in a nursing home. I found this forum when I was under an enormous amount of stress with the false thinking that I needed to do everything. Please use this forums knowledge and guidance with coming to terms with you absolutely needing to change course and get additional help or have your mother admitted to a LTC facility. You will kill your self if you keep this up. So sorry for you situation.

This is no longer working for your marriage . Your husband has every right to complain that you haven’t even hired help ( using your parents money ) so you could take a vacation or go out .
Time for a new plan for your parents . Most likely this will be a unanimous thread on your husband’s side.

Additionally your mother needs her diaper changed more than twice a day . Your profile also says you are trying to keep Mom out of a nursing home but that’s where she belongs because you are not changing her diaper often enough . She’s not getting proper care at home.
Mom needs to go to SNF . You can not continue to take care of a 300 lb woman and work your job either . If money is an issue, SNF can be paid by Medicaid.
SNF care is what your mother requires and is what you should be doing to do right by her and your marriage.

From your profile , Sounds like Dad is home with Mom when you work . So perhaps Dad can still be at home for now while you work . But you must have a life with your husband. Go away on vacation . In general , hire someone using your Dads money to come weekly make him some meals, clean and wash laundry . So it’s less for you and your husband to do . Also , Dad could go to respite care in assisted living while you are away. Assisted living permanently for Dad is an option too if he has the funds

You married your husband and not your parents, and he comes before anything or anyone else. It truly is as simple as that.
This is obviously a marriage issue and not a caring for elderly parents issue, so perhaps it's time for some marriage counseling before it's too late.

You won’t have a marriage by the time your parents are gone.. You had better figure this out because your husband is angry at this situation and there is a possibility he could leave.

Your husband is your priority. . He comes first. Figure out what needs to be done to get help in or put them in AL.

Your “80 year old mother is 300 lbs and immobile” – and bed ridden. And then there is your 80 year old father as well. Sure you are “trying to do right by them”. You can do that by making sure that they are well cared for, but the carer doesn’t have to be you. If that’s “hurtful for you to have to hear”, you need urgent help yourself. You are “under so much stress and don't know what to do”.

You are risking breakdown and injury yourself, and possibly the end of your marriage. Find someone appropriate to talk this through with.

Just want to add, how hurtful is it for your husband to hear that your parents matter more to you than he does?

Time to have your parents placed in a care home and enjoy your retirement with your husband. The care home will have trained professionals that can better see to the needs of your parents. You can't kill yourself with overwork and think it's because you love your parents. That's not love. That's putting yourself and your husband last for no good reason. Wise up before it's too late and your kids are having to figure out what to do with you.

I hope you’ll choose a new plan, prioritize your marriage, enjoy some travel before your health is ruined, and not live in misplaced guilt. How fortunate you are, your husband misses you and wants your time, don’t miss it

Start by putting your marriage and husband first. Your parents should have planned for their old age unless you were the plan all along. How is this fair to your husband? Why is he less important than your parents?

You can’t sustain this. Even if your husband was thrilled to care for them, it’s too much to do at home alone. You cannot be a nurse, pharmacist, aide, physical therapist, counselor, and entertainer all in one 24/7 for years on end.

Finding a good and safe place where they can be cared for is not “putting them in a home”. Think of how your parents cannot have any interaction with other people. Keeping them with you is isolating them more and more, and that’s not good for anyone.

It sounds like your parents assumed you’d be their retirement plan. If so, that was very selfish and irresponsible of them.

Your husband and marriage became the first priority when you said “I do”.

There are plenty of people who can take care of your parents, either in-home caregivers or the staff in a facility. You are your husband's only wife. You made marriage vows to him, not to your parents. No, your parents did not ask to become old and disabled, but they are being incredibly selfish to expect you and your husband to provide all their care. Stop doing this, find an alternative (at their expense, or via Medicaid if necessary), and put your marriage back together before it's too late.

Your first obligation is to your husband.
Your parents have other options. Find an assisted living or skilled nursing home for them. It has become too much of a burden on you and is unfair to your spouse to be expected to help take on this burden.
Your parents can not help growing older or suffering from ailments. It is a part of life. But it is not your job to take care of everything for them. You can place them in a setting where they can get all the help they need from professionals (who get to go home after their shift) and still be a loving daughter who visits and advocates for them.

If you insist on taking care of them at home, at least consider a short respite stay in a care home - for a week or two - allowing you and your husband to take a vacation, or to simply take a break and re-connect.

I don't blame him for complaining. Your parents have usurped your home and your marriage causing you to be under too much pressure doing too much. What about your husband? You're his wife first but you've put him third and yourself fourth. How is this fair?

Its time to get your parents placed in Skilled Nursing care now. Taking care of a bedridden patient is way too much for one person to manage at home anyway. Apply for Medicaid and use up your folks funds first, if there are any, and take your home and your marriage back.

Best of luck to you.

Respite, respite, respite for starters. Then explore other options through your State. From your State's Area on Aging office:

"Through the National Family Caregiver Support Program, your area agency on aging and other local providers are ready to assist you with supports that may include:

Training, resources, information and support groups;
Respite care, adult day and medical alert services;
Personal care, chore services and home delivered meals;
Yard work and home repairs;
Durable medical equipment and home modifications; and
More.

Contact the area agency on aging serving your community for information and referral, as well as a free in-person assessment to identify your needs and link you to available resources. Call 1-866-243-5678 to be connected to the agency serving your community."

I dearly hope the help you need is available in your county; I haven't found that to be so in my state, hopefully yours is more advanced on the caregiver support front.

Your parents didn't ask for this, but aging is not a choice. Your spouse also didn't ask for this, but you are choosing to take on the responsibilities that you have shouldered. You are correct in your assessment that you're under so much stress you can't think clearly, and that should be a great big sign that the way you're going is not sustainable.

From your brief description it doesn't sound like spouse is whining because of having to take on extra household chores, because somehow you're still doing all of those too. It sounds like spouse misses being with you. And probably can see that this will only get harder and worse.

You have lots of options at a range of prices (which your parents would pay or qualify for by being unable to) and you need to learn about them so you know what your options are. You could start by taking a break with hired help for your parents and spend a day or two away with your spouse. You don't want to lose your health or your spouse to caregiving and a lot of people do just that.