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Mom has been in an assisted living facility for the past several weeks. She about an hour and ten minutes away from us and is wanting to coming to our house because she's sooooooooo lonely. She loves me soooooo much and misses me soooooooo much! (BS! Sorry, there are some triggers there for me. She's a master manipulator though the dementia has jacked that up some.) We've been missing each other's calls (another story) and I finally contacted the facility director and told her what's going on. They took her phone away from her (excessive calls) and that's been a relief. Monday is her bday and I'm taking her out, but she's going to hound me to bring her to the house. Picking her up, bringing her to the house, taking her back, and coming back home is about 5 1/2 hours total of driving. I don't want her here. What in the world do I tell her? How do I deal with this kind of thing? I don't see it stopping! If I could, I would turn tail and run as far as I possibly could, but that's not an option. :(

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Tell her you're undergoing a total renovation on your home and cannot have anyone over for a year due to so much dust, debris, noise and chaos.

Sometimes it's easier to just make up a story than it is to keep revisiting the same manipulative questions all the time. It's too exhausting. Stick to the Reno and dust and debris story for as long as necessary.

I used to tell my mother I was working full time when I wasn't. Just to give me a break from the constant phone calls and expectations she'd have that I was "sitting around at home doing nothing" when I SHOULD be visiting her. It was too much. We never got along well, yet I was her BFF when she wanted company. In an AL filled with activities and friends to hang around with.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Stardust 13 min ago
Ugh, YES with the BFF thing! I like your idea about the renos, too. Thank you!
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Just say no. Over and over again. People in assisted living communities should be the least lonely people in the world. If they are lonely, it's their choice and their fault. Also, set limits on her calls to you. Let them go to voicemail and only call her back once a day or less, at your convenience. Set an alarm on your phone at the start of the call and when it rings, say, sorry Mom, have to go now. You deserve peace.
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Reply to MG8522
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Stardust 11 min ago
Yes, that's what I've been intimating... "You're in a houseful of people!" and she says, "yes, but it's not family!" Ya, the family you wanted away from sooo badly, lol! And yes, that's definitely on her.

This whole thing with the phone was crazy there for a while bcuz she would never answer when I called back, but would leave 5-6 messages a day. :/
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She can hound you all she likes, but just stand your ground. You know you cannot live with her. Simple as. I know it's tough, but not as tough as having her move in. You know she is a manipulator. Try to limit your visits, and always remember that the one requiring the care does not call the shots.
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Reply to SID2020
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Stardust 10 min ago
I need to record your response and play it on loop!! It's a struggle bcuz of childhood trauma with her and saying no and setting boundaries triggers a deep seated fear of making her angry. But at least now, I don't have to deal with that side of her!
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