When my mother with early-to-moderate dementia has a bad day--ie., crying, anxious, or angry--I find it greatly affects my own mood. I am having a hard time separating my own feelings from hers, I guess. I have recently been prescribed Lexapro and it is helping to some degree, but I am wondering how other people manage to compartmentalize or let things roll of their back?
Agree w/much of what has already been shared. I found it helpful to tell my mom the boundaries of behavior [no name calling, no guilt tripping, no screaming, no telling me 'you want to kill yourself', civil conversation is expected].
This was for me, to say it out loud. NOT that I expected her to be able to change her or control her behavior. Saying these boundaries out loud, gave me the courage to say (if there was a breach), "Name calling is not something, I am up for" ( of fill in the other boundary), I will need to end the visit, call, etc. We can visit/talk the when you are feeling better at a future time. All said in a very calm and slow voice; and then I would just leave, exit, end the call.
You cannot control them, but you can with practice control your reaction and then control what you do: leave, walk away for a bit, end the call. One does NOT have to take it, if it is too much to take.
Also, work with a great therapist. Mine helped me work through (sill working through, even thought my mom passed 2 years ago) much of this. There is the anticipatory grief, the grief, the anger, sadness, the guilt sometime, and other feelings to process.
And some of this journey is like having to turn one's own brain inside out. Initially, I would try to explain things or correct her; like that was going to work. Eventually, I just had to not fall into that trap. Much like if she refused to ever leave her room at the nursing home, so be it. There is not much one can do, with their behavior or choices. Let them. (PS that is a great book if you are interested: by Mel Robbins).
I also found that limiting contact, at the end of the day, was best for me. I ended up blocking her phone number. She could leave a message, ranting or what every and I could choose when to listen. If there was a real emergency; the the NH staff would let me know. Not sure where your mom lives now, but you do NOT need to answer every call especially if most are calls to rant at you.
Best of luck with this. Hope you have family and friends to support you through this. Hope you can work with a great therapist or maybe a grief counselor; they can really help with this journey,
What happens is a role reversal. I become the mom (caregiver) reassuring her child that everything is ok and we can fix it or get it fixed or whatever. Try understanding your mom can't help herself and try the role reversal approach....STAY CALM and ask questions and provide answers or distractions (best parent tool ever!) to help her calm down. Once I realized I am not the daughter anymore but a caregiver/parent it made it easier to deal with and help her. That is not to say there is not a sense of grief that I don't have the mom I used to, but it's easier to help her in my role as caregiver and less stressful for me in the long run. Bless you for caring so much,
Meet her crying, anxious, angry mood with your own cheery, or at least calm demeanor. Practice non-emotional responses. That will not only help you to remain calm, but it will signal to her a calmness that she's having trouble finding her way to. You are modeling the behavior for her to follow.
I'm not going to say I haven't been frustrated and reacted in anger. I am human, and so are you. But I try and steady myself before I go in the room, and put on a cheery face and cheery voice, and put myself in a good mood, that even a negative or difficult disposition is not able to bring me down. I prepare for it. I know I am going to be met with negativity. I just ignore it and continue to project a positive attitude. If I do get upset, it is best to simply turn and walk away. Go outside for a while. Gather my thoughts. Remind myself that the dementia patient is unable to regulate their behavior. After a while, I'm ready to try again.
It is completely normal to feel "mood contagion" when caring for a loved one with dementia. Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research offers a few powerful neuroscientific concepts that can help you create that "compartmentalization" you're looking for by changing how your brain predicts and labels your experiences.
Here’s a list to try to help you manage your feelings. I’ve been finding what I learn from her very helpful in my own life.
🧠 The "60-Second Body Budget" Cheat Sheet
Based on the work of neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett
When you feel your mood "dropping" or your mother starts an outburst, try one of these Micro-Deposits to stop your brain from crashing:
~The "Candle" Breath: Inhale for 4 seconds, then exhale through pursed lips (like blowing out a candle) for 8 seconds. This tells your brain "I am safe," which stops it from pumping out stress hormones.
~The Temperature Reset: Splash ice-cold water on your face or hold an ice cube. This "shocks" your nervous system out of a negative emotional loop and lowers your heart rate instantly.
~The "Biological Glitch" Reframe: When she yells or cries, say to yourself: "This is a biological glitch, not a personal attack." This separates her "malfunctioning brain" from your own emotions.
~The Sensory Shift: Quickly name 3 blue things you see and 3 sounds you hear. This pulls your brain out of the "story" of the stress and back into the physical room.
~The Deconstruction: If you feel a "pit" in your stomach or a tight chest, tell yourself: "This is just physical energy (glucose) moving around my body. It isn't 'misery' yet."
The Goal: You aren't "fixing" her dementia; you are simply protecting your own "Body Budget" so you don't run out of emotional currency.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Does your mom live with you? My mom has frequent bouts of anxiety where she is very nervous and scared for no apparent reason (noting no official diagnosis of anything other than severe anxiety right now, her cognitive abilities memory reasoning conversing are fine). She can't control it, she tries, she has a psych np that she talks to. But I've always had a good relationship with her not everyone has had that so their perspective may be different.
That said, she is never mean to me or abusive. It depends on the day how I manage it, I have a counselor of my own, I'm on zoloft. I try to take time for myself. I don't live with my parents. It might be different if I did. When I have a bad "reaction" day, I just remind myself tomorrow is a day I can try again and try to respond differently and not "absorb " it. I used to pretend I was Wonder Woman and I had those bracelets that the emotions could bounce off of, or imagine a force field around me.
That's the hardest part for me. In a way you kind of have to be a bit " clinical" about it which requires a degree of separation, which to me feels very sad. Like I said to my husband the other day I have to act sometimes like I'm "just a home health aide" and sympathize and empathize, but not let it come home with me (poor guy never knows what's gonna walk in the door lol), the daughter in me my heart breaks. I agree with not feeding into it, I tell her the feeling will pass, it always does etc .
Counseling with a good therapist focusing on "radical acceptance " or DBT therapy is very helpful to me. Today I had a good day. Maybe I'll get a frightened call later that will knock me off my equilibrium. Lately I've been able to hang up from those calls and go back to what I was doing, some days I wallow in worrying after. No one is perfect.
Early-to-moderate dementia is not a free ticket to ruining your life, which is as important as hers.
I don't think the mother is able to control her behavior, and confronting her about it is not going to be helpful.
I do agree that an appropriate facility is in order with experienced staff to cope with mom's moods and behavior.
Best of luck to you.
People with dementia tend to mirror the attitudes and emotions of those closest to them, so it's important that you try your best to put your best foot forward even if you have to fake it.