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My uncle with ALZ & Parkinsons, is still at home with my aunt. He cannot be left alone due to serious short term memory loss and instability. My aunt is full time caregiver and 3 of us show up PT to give her respite breaks. When we step in to cover her, he gets upset and insists he doesn't "need a babysitter." He is very angry (with her, not us) that he cannot have time alone, and rants about this for some time after she leaves. We know not to argue, but i'ts taking longer to cool his anger. The fact that he doesn’t think he has a problem, is a very big problem.

Just tell your uncle that you're doing this for your aunt and not him, as she just feels better knowing that he's being looked after while she's away so she can actually enjoy herself without having to worry about him.
Sadly you cannot reason with someone with a broken brain, so best to not even try.
Some kind of calming medication may be helpful prior to your aunt leaving, but there are no guarantees.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Maybe change the strategy: show up and take him out for a drive (or an errand) while your Aunt is still home. Then return home and find your Aunt is also "out running errands" then stay and hang out with him saying you want to see your Aunt too, so will wait till she gets back home.

Dementia care requires creativity and preemptive strategy.

Your uncle probably needs meds for his anxiety/depression. What is your Aunt's sustainable plan for this situation? Surely she doesn't expect everyone else to orbit around them just because she doesn't want to deal with his anger? For example: she can *hire* someone to come weekly on the pretense they are cleaning the house, then she slips out for a few hours.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your aunt should contact his doctor(s) immediately for medication to calm down his anger and agitation. This is not a safe situation for her or for the rest of you, especially with it escalating, and it's also not a pleasant mindset and mood for him to have to live with.
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Reply to MG8522
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His agitation needs to be addressed with his doctor, using the patient portal to describe his behaviors. He likely needs medication to calm him before it turns violent, don’t underestimate the potential that your aunt may not be safe living with him
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I engaged a respite caregiver for just 4 hours weekly. My husband was really unhappy about needing a “babysitter”, and he gave me grief every time she was going to come to the house. I never gave in to his self-pity and anger. I simply left and did some deep breathing before I happily did self-care. That started in July of last year. The weekly drama gradually eased, and, finally, here in the 1st 2 weeks of March, he has no complaints about it.

I have a counselor who helps me over the hurdles I face. She reminds me that there are things I can’t fix- I just need to learn the best way to cope. (This website is a good aid too!)
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Reply to Minutetominute
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Always blame the doctor. Dear, your doctor says you need company when I have to leave the house.

Then call the doctor for calming meds for DH. The vast majority of dementia patients need them for their own mental health. Antidepressants too.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Agree with a strategy change. Deflection is key and no need to focus on babysitter aspect. Don’t judge his baseline at that of a ‘normal’ person. It may be a problem … but not his as he has dementia. Sedation, just visiting, deflection are now your friends. And to your benefit (or demise) he won’t remember any of it.
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Reply to AliceLS
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Boundaries is prob the answer to this- probably

maybe everyone can visit and leave him to have some personal air space- go into another room/ clean something - leave him alone in a room

everyone needs their own space or if they were I dependant prior may feel suffocated
maybe visit and pretend to get in with other stuff
in another room
’ shout if you need anything’
my dad got uncharacteristicly rude to staff saying why do you keep asking me if I’m ok
they just want to feel normal
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Reply to Jenny10
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This is the nature of dementia. They don't know what they don't know.
It is challenging to know how to proceed. And, it is often a hit or miss, and each episode could be different.

I sense the ranting will continue.
He is confused and scared.

I would ask MD to assess need for medication.

Perhaps try a massage - with a licensed therapist.
Leave the room and put on calming music.
If no one there to 'receive' his anger, it may slow him down.

Somehow you need to either:
1) accept it'll take as long as it takes for him to calm down.
2) Shift his attention - if possible, but likely not until he's calmed down.
3) Shift how you (others) respond - you ['we all'] need to learn how to let this go and not take it personally. Not easy for sure.
4) Do not feed his anger by 'explaining'. It will add fuel to this already ignited fire.
5) Discuss options with MD
6) Discuss if time to go into a facility.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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If he ‘can’t have time alone’, he probably does feel like you are all babysitting him. Does he need to know that you are there? Can you just turn up when aunt leaves, and do something in a different part of the house. It is not possible to supervise someone 24 hours of every day, it is always possible for them to fall or for some other problem when they are not being watched.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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