I've read a lot about children caring for their abusive parents...and my heart goes out to you. But what about giving care to a verbally abusive spouse?
My husband has had 17 major surgeries in our 47 years of marriage. Some of the surgeries are from injuries and others are from health issues. I've been with him through every surgery and nursed him back to health, but it has been difficult as he is mean and verbally abusive in his recovery every time.
He recently had knee replacement surgery and it has been hell. His expectations of wanting me to do every little thing for him, only to have him berate me, scold me, and get angry if it's not done to his perfection. I'm so tired. I'm tired of his rants at me. I'm hurt. But because I know he is in pain and some of this is the pain and pain med talking, I'm not sure what boundaries are okay to set with him. I feel guilty when I tell him how I feel and I think it would be good if he does somethings for himself. Then he goes into a long explanation of how I need to help him because he had surgery and is in pain. He's now 3 weeks out from his knee replacement surgery, but is still treating me this way.
He needs his other knee replacement surgery this summer and I've told him I'm not doing this again, and he just tells me I don't understand and I'm making the situation much worse than it really is.
When he's not in pain, we have a decent marriage. Although not perfect, we enjoy doing things together and have built a normal life. There are times, when he is under stress, he get verbally abusive. Sometimes I think he lacks emotional intelligence and the tools to know how to communicate well. I also know I'm not the one who can give that to him.
I don't know what "boundaries" are okay to set with someone who has had surgery and is in pain, especially after the 1st week of surgery.
I've asked myself 'is this how I want to spend the rest of my life...caring for this man who is not in good health?' But the thought of starting over at 65 years old, is scary to me. I wonder how my kids and grandkids would handle my leaving him.
I know I've just rambled and only given a small part of my story...there's so much more...in spite of all the surgeries and sickness, we've had an amazing life, and I don't want to just throw away the last 47 years. But on the other hand, the pain I experience in his verbal abuse is demeaning and hell. We both are still working and plan to stay in our jobs for another couple of years.
Has anyone else out there gone through something similar with their spouse? How did you figure out what to do?
He worked very hard in physical therapy to recover. I have had surgery and had intensive physical therapy too. You have to put in the effort during PT in order to heal. You cannot be a slacker in any way, shape or form. How does he participate in physical therapy? Does he do the exercises properly?
PT helps greatly not just with recovery of the surgery but in aiding pain as well. He can’t act helpless! He has to put forth the effort and it’s work. I mean giving it all you have.
I was paralyzed after my accident.
The physical therapist had to force the movement until I could do it myself. I screamed in pain but I did my PT program throughout the agonizing pain.
The therapist told me that if I quit that I would remain paralyzed. I had a 4 yr old and 11 year old and my mom to take care of. I couldn’t be paralyzed, so I worked my butt off in therapy.
What does his doctor say about his recovery? Tell his doctor how he is behaving to get medical feedback.
Geeeeeez, he has had a ton of surgeries and I feel for him. I don’t think you are heartless. I believe that you love him.
I think you are sick of his attitude and just plain worn out. I am married 41 years and yeah, starting over would be hard. If it’s necessary though and you feel like you have reached your threshold then follow through with leaving.
I am sure you have had numerous conversations with him regarding how you feel. I can imagine it’s extremely frustrating not getting the response that you need.
I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. You don’t deserve any type of abuse. Emotional abuse is very damaging and becomes harder and harder to accept.
You don’t seem like a pushover. You are standing up to him and you should. Maybe you will have to set stronger boundaries in place. Tell him it is absolutely unacceptable to be treated this way and it must stop or you will no longer tolerate it.
I wish you all the best. I hope that he will be able to find a way to recover as best that he can. I believe the pain is influencing him to treat you unkindly. I am not saying that he should do that or that you should take it. I am just acknowledging that he is suffering. I feel it isn’t an excuse for him to mistreat you. Enough is enough.
I saw the people with the knee surgeries in PT. They had intense pain. I had severe pain too after my surgery following my accident but it was my arm.
In my opinion the arm is nowhere near as bad as a leg because I don’t have to stand on my arm. I don’t bear any weight on my arm. Of course, the arm is an easier recovery.
And my kids? My 17 year old son (at the time) said, "What took you so long mom?" My 7 year old daughter adjusted also, because I let her spend every other weekend with her dad and never bad-mouthed him. Ever. The kids knew I was better off w/o their dad and happier, too. That's what they wanted to see.
Children and grandchildren are more astute, I think, then we give them credit for.
Nothing can erase the past 47 years you've spent together no matter what you decide to do. Moving forward on your own doesn't mean you're 'throwing away' your marriage, just that you've had enough. As I did. When people ask me what the deciding factor was for me in finally filing for divorce, I tell them this: I knew it was time when I woke up one day and said NOT ONE MORE MINUTE WILL I TOLERATE THIS.
Are you there yet?
Wishing you the very best of luck moving forward. I know how hard this decision really is.
My husband is allergic to morphine and became a raging jerk when he was on it. They discontinued the morphine and I got my sweet husband back.
If he is just using the situation to be a jerk you can tell him that you understand completely, he is being a horse's azz and he can find another caregiver until he feels well enough to be civil.
No excuse for abuse, EVER!
My husband of 30+ years has a trifecta going on: stroke recovery/rehab, cognitive impairment AND high on the narcissistic behavior spectrum. He exhibited the same bully tactics as you’ve experienced after his hip replacement surgery 1 year ago, and the emotional, psychological and physical abuse has only escalated since then.
My therapist had three words for me: Get Out Now. Well, I’m steadily working on that plan, but first need to put things in place to protect my assets so that I’m not living on the street.
My husband recently demanded many times that I get a job! Uh, nope. I’m a “young” 73 and my SSA + pension benefits are more than his. I’m working with several professionals (CPA, tax advisor, financial advisor, family law attorney, estate planning attorney) to work out a separation and place him in a facility paid for by Long Term Care Insurance.
So, please reach out to whatever professionals can help you. Soon. Then you’ll at least have options to consider which are way better than what’s going on now.
Hugs to you!
My heart goes out to you. It’s sooooo difficult. I hope you seek out help for yourself. A therapist will be another voice of reason while also allowing you to vent.
There is a financial term called Sunk Costs. It refers to the monies spent on a project or piece of equipment that is not giving the expected returns. Think of the 47 years you have put into this marriage as sunk costs. You cannot get those years back, but you can decide if you wish to put more years in, knowing you will face more abuse from this man, or leave and live life on your terms.
My marriage ended unexpectedly after 22 years and I can truthfully say almost 6 years later I am living my best life and could not be happier.
You're not mean, you're not letting him down, you're not even angry, not truly. You are just TIRED of this behaviour, and why on earth should you put up with it if it plays no constructive part in his recovery and it makes you sick at heart?
There are various ways to build protective boundaries around such very specific elements in a relationship: techniques, key words, STOP gestures, little routines that can help break the habitual pattern. Would you consider working with a therapist or counsellor? But also, just watching how nurses and aides relate to him in their professional capacities (when, don't forget, he's still in pain and still under stress, but I bet he controls himself better even if not perfectly) might be instructive too.
He is allowed to be upset, in pain, frustrated, tired, etc. He is allowed to express it. He is allowed not to be sweetness and light with you at all times. But he is NOT allowed to choose verbal lashing out and harshness towards you as his METHOD of mental pain and stress relief, which unfortunately seems to be the habit he's developed. All you want is to stop being his verbal stress ball, and that is very okay indeed.
Ask him what he would do if you weren't there? Let him stew on that for awhile. Be unavailable. He's 3 weeks out, he can be left alone. If he wants to get the other knee done he will need to go to rehab, let professionals deal with his abuse.
The reality is you don't HAVE to take care of him. If he is in that much pain he needs to tell his doctors, not abuse you.
If you get nowhere maybe consider a trial separation?
I'm dealing with my mom but I'm sure others will be along soon who are taking care of spouses. I just wanted to reach out and tell you the abuse is not okay. You matter. Your feelings matter.
I would ask about his pain meds. Maybe he is having some reaction to certain ones. Maybe he has a low threshold of pain.
I don't have this problem with my DH, really its the other way around. But my Dad...he expected Mom to do everything. You could tell him he is a big baby and to "suck it up". 😊 I am kidding. If it were me, I would tell him I am not his slave. That you don't deserve the abuse. If he keeps it up, you are walking away. (Going to another room or leave the house)
There will be others that have probably had knee replacement surgeries that wil, help. But I always thought the more u do the better.