This is like being in an abusive relationship.
One day my father is crying and telling me he loves me. He’s never done that prior to dementia and never showed any emotion.
And then the next day he is leaving me voicemails cussing me and saying the meanest things.
I was planning on taking him breakfast this morning (it’s his birthday) but now I can’t help to feel hurt and really angry and not want to go.
I do have his number blocked a lot because he calls me 20+ times a day. But I check the voicemails a few times a day and call him once around lunch to check in.
I just can’t handle this. It is stressing me so much. I’m in therapy once a week but being subjected to this is so taxing.
I know that this is part of the disease but it’s just getting worse and more frequent.
I had an almost 2 year reprieve from her hateful comments as she’d even argue with the home’s staff that I was not her daughter. So she was civil. Imagine my shock when she recognized me and my husband 5 months ago. She made that contorted face she used on me as a child and spit venom. My husband was shocked (as was the staff) at her insults. Frankly, I was relieved to have witnesses. I felt like I was a little kid again, being chastised for never understanding her and ruining her life. She was lovely to my cousins who visited a few days later.
My visits are now shorter and less frequent (monthly). She didn’t seem to recognize me the last time.
Her hateful words hurt when I was a little kid and they still hurt. Only now I understand that I can never win her over and she will never change.
Your father likely doesn't know or likely even remember he's said hateful things. If you had plans to take him out, call him in the morning and ask him if he likes you today?
I brought her a bunch of treats.
When I went to put the treats down on her table, she got upset, saying, “Don’t put them down! Don’t put them down! Take them AWAY!”
”Mom, do you want me to just take away everything I brought over for your birthday?”
”Yes! Yes!”
The daughter in me was hurt. I just wanted to cry.
I hate dementia. It’s like my mother is some kind of weird, zombie person, who just spews garbage and says hurtful things.
When I’m done feeling hurt about the zombie person I’m visiting, I try and remember that suggestion I read here, about thinking about the person as “a client”.
Gotta check on my client once a week.
Gotta see if my client is healthy.
Gotta make sure that my client is being treated right.
My CLIENT. Not my mom. My mom is long gone.
I knew he wasn’t well when about a year ago when he finally, after 40+ years, stopped talking bad about my mother. Now he doesn’t even remember her name.
Read Liz Scheier's "Never Simple".
I can’t wait until the state takes guardianship and I know they will put him somewhere safe.
I was in therapy as a young woman for mommy issues. Know what I learned after spending several thousand dollars?
"You'll never be friends with your mother."
Ya think? 🙄
Things only got worse with dementia and stayed that way until it became SO advanced that she mellowed out a bit.
And it doesn’t help when he has acted similar to this in the past when they didn’t get their way with people.
Sometimes it seems so real like he knows what he’s saying. I can’t help but be affected.
You know that you cannot change his behavior but you can change your reaction to it.
Lots of things are irritating in life. Some of us are more emotional than others and feel things more deeply.
We have to learn to look at them differently and develop a tough skin.
Personally, I think the older we get the less we care about other people’s behavior.
Look at the entire picture and place things into perspective. Then we can accomplish not caring as much about what other people do.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
There is no answer to the pain those whose loved ones suffer with dementia have to process. There are wives who must visit husbands in care who believe that a fellow resident is now their wife, and haven't a clue who the visiting REAL wife is. They have to focus away from their own pain and onto the pain and grief of someone who has lost all they are and ever were to dementia. That may help you. Yes, what you witness is sad for you. But to my mind it bears no comparison to the pain of losing your entire mind. Try to switch your own pain onto recognizing the agony your Dad is facing.
Life is full of things that cannot be fixed. They are lived with, lived through, and "managed". I wish you the best in managing this.
You just continue what you are doing, block him. Maybe you will need to go "no contact" completely. I so hope the State steps in. Then you know Dad is getting the care he needs and you can back off.
My father is a narcissist as well. I’m the only one that still has contact with him. I’m all alone in this.
This is taking a toll on my mental and physical health and mental health.
This was part of his personality prior to dementia. I saw him treat many people like this, including my sister.
He was never this bad with me because I was the one who foolishly did things for him.
I’ve been feeling really sorry for him on the way his life has turned out and how his mind is just deteriorating so rapidly.
I am fortunate that my mom with dementia was never like this.
My uncle (who I believe had other mental problems related to his service in WWII) was EXACTLY like this. My cousin used to say she never knew which dad she was going to see when she visited.
Limit contact. Lower (or get rid of) any expectations of a meaningful relationship. The saddest folks on this board are those adult children with mentally ill abusive parents who are still seeking love and approval. It's never going to happen.
Are you still pursuing guardianship or have you determined that it would be better for dad to have a professional guardian?
There's a good website - outofthefog.com that you might want to look at
My attorney filed Monday requesting the state to take guardianship. I was feeling so bad about it. But moments like this make me realize that I made the right decision.
He has always been a difficult person. Narcissistic and Neurotic. Very nice when he needs you and if you didn’t do what he wanted, he would cut you out. He hasn’t spoken to my sister in 7 years because he asked a favor and she said no.
My therapist says that my brain is trying to make sense of a relationship that has always been nothing more than an obligation to me “it’s your father’s weekend to come and get you. You have to go even if you don’t want to, if he even shows up”
It’s been a void of a relationship that I am still trying to make something out of nothing. And at this point, it’s definitely not going to turn in to anything that benefits me.
Yes, it hurts your feelings. I don't have advice except what people have told me. It's the dementia and not them. I believe it's both. I do understand how you feel. It's got to be especially tough, since it's your dad.