How was your experience with your elderly loved one dying of old age?

How long can this go on? That varies. Read Gretchen Staebler's wonderful book "Motherlode" and you will see it can go on for 104 years or more.

As to our own stories. I am certain each is worth a memoir we don't have time nor the inclination to repeat. My brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia at age 84. He died a year and one half later of sepsis from a tiny sore on his shin that he had kept hidden for some time.

Our own stories are individual as our own thumbprints, but what you need now, I suspect, is help with making some decisions for your own life, and I wish you the very best with those, understanding how difficult they will be.

My dad reached 102 in basically as good a health as a 102 blind, deaf person can be. He still was up in his chair, could go to the bathroom unassisted, etc. BUT he stopped wanting to eat much of anything and lost a tremendous amount of weight and became very frail. One day, without any illness or prelude, he had trouble breathing and even with oxygen didn't perk up. He died that night. Up until the end he knew who people were and he knew he was dying and didn't mind it. I describe it as a good a death as you could wish. He had no pain, no drama, he was in his own bed and I was there as was his grandson. We should all hope for this.

I have found that as long as the heart just keeps on pumping, the rest of the body will just keep on going forever.

Different experiences with my parents and sister:
My mama: the day she died she did not get out of the bed, which was clue one, then I tried to feed her and she would not take it clue two, she kept asking for my daddy clue three. She coughed up blood, started the labored breathing that lasted about 15 minutes. She never really opened her eyes when she asked for daddy and when she did pass away she just slept and then her chest stopped moving.
My daddy: three weeks before he died he wouldn't and couldn't get out of the bed. His ALZ was bad as far as just wanting to go "home" which was most likely the farm. He knew who his family was he knew me and his children and grand children were. He was in a group home and I had hospice bring him home because I knew in the back of my mind he was going to go and there was no way I would make it there in time if the staff were to call me. So I gathered his children and said we are bringing him home and he will die with us around him. Well he was brought home, set up in a medical bed and two days later I could not get a response from him. I called hospice and they came and gave him muscle relax medications because his body was going through muscle spasms. For three days he did not eat or take liquids he finally went into labored breathing and about 15 to 20 minutes later he was gone and it was very peaceful. Yes we cried but it just seemed like a peaceful sleep he went to.
My sister: She had cancer. The cancer was very aggressive. She did the chemo, everything you could think of. Three days prior she stopped watching tv, she couldn't sit up and she just started to sleep 24 hrs. She did wake and said she need to go to the bathroom and I could not move her and she would not release into the adult diapers - so I had hospice put in a catheter, which relieved the anxiety of having to go. The day she died I gave her the medication - same as my daddy had, and that relaxed her. I kept her favorite programs running on the tv - knowing that she could still hear them. As 11pm came up I was sitting next to her medical bed and I heard her start the labored breathing, I called her daughter and her son and told them get here - they were next door so they came as she took her last breath I prayed and it was peaceful for me but the kids were visibly upset which was expected. We cried together and hugged. We waited for the funeral home to come and then the kids went home.
All three death experiences were just them going to sleep. Mama was the shocker for me but as I have experienced more and more and as my faith grows more and more I become more at peace because I realize that I will see them again.
Please know that as I end this I have said a prayer for you and your family as you go through this.

Very sad my wife died at 80. The last 2 years of her life she was bed bound. She could not stand or walk. She needed to be changed several times a day. It is not the way I want to go. near the end I think she just gave up. I gave up my profession to take care of her that was a full time job. I have many stories about her care. Too many to share here. Let’s just say it is a long road filled with unknowns.

Grief is a very individual experience.
I don't think anyone knows how your mother may transition or when.
Its been since 2/23/23 for me and it is still at times a shock. And, Jerry was my friend-companion for close to 20 years. I believe most of my grief / pain is from how he was - that he was assaulted in the Air Force Barrack - beat up - in the middle of the night for being Jewish. He was ridiculed something awful in addition to that one night. No one helped him. Not even the clergy (the Jewish representative there). This was in the 1950s - no name given to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After he was discharged (he couldn't function), he was told by medical staff (when he tried to get help) to 'go home and forget about it.' He couldn't. He never slept a night after that attack without medication. His PTSD was with him throughout his life. Jerry's saving grace? He found AA (I believe he developed drinking problem due to this event); he realized in his 50s he was an exceptional fine artist and painted, and he found me ... a friend and companion. He was two months shy of turning 90 when he died.

The relationship was difficult.
He wanted a romantic partner; I couldn't be that person (as much as I would have wanted to - and initially tried for the first six months of knowing him).
We were companions; I felt like a lion protecting her cub, esp the last six years of his life - when he needed me most and 'let me in' more to support/help him.
I was his fierce advocate for the best care he could have gotten, considering he lived in Sec 8 housing and ended up in a nursing home (or two).

In terms of grieving, what 'really' shocked me was that I felt I had been preparing the last year of his life for his transitioning/dying - knowing it could be any day. I was as present with him (4-5 days / week visiting) as anyone could have been. However, when he actually died, the grief hit me like a bulldozer. I then spent the next 1 year 2 months 'trying' to get the mental health / grief counseling that my insurance company offered. I would 'give up' and then realize "I REALLY need this' and call again. I wrote letters to the company's CEO and others ... asking for this 'benefit.' I said ... is THIS how you treat parents who have lost their child ... taking him or her to school in the morning and then they are shot and never come home"? You have them wait over a year for the therapy they should get that first week?

I am not comparing my situation - Jerry dying close to 90 - to a parent(s) losing a child although grief is grief - and if insurance companies offer this mental health 'benefit,' it should be available 'soon after' the death of a loved one occurs.

Sorry to go on and on here.
Even though Jerry's transitioning was as 'text book' as aging / declining could be ... nothing prepared me for this grief. I do believe most / more of it is due to how he was brutalized due to being Jewish. . . to think how these young men, 18, in the Air Force Barrack had a prejudice / hatred (?) or simply saw an easy target to pick on ... and they never realize(d) how they ruined a man's life.

Jerry was an extremely good looking young man - model beautiful. kind, sweet, everyone loved him. He never experienced being 'disliked' until he got into the service. He was not equipped on how to handle it.

I share your feelings and grief - you are grieving now. Here's a hug.

Gena / Touch Matters

My mom died at 97 after 7 years of being cared for; 5 yrs. by my brother and caretakers, and then 2 years in an adult home where she almost couldn't even get up to her walker for the last 2 months or so. Most of the time there, and even before that, she needed assistance with everything. She had also been a very active mother and it was hard to watch her decline. She was going to be transferred to a nursing home, but we were looking for a good place. We knew she wasn't in good shape as she mostly stopped eating and drinking. Unfortunately, she lingered at least 3 or 4 weeks because her heart was still strong. She didn't really seem to suffer, but it was hard to watch. We were cursing that healthy heart by the end!
She died with me at her side, finally just drifting off to sleep.

My friend's mother died at 102, was still mobile even after hip replacement at age 97, though not much. One day she wasn't herself, went to the hospital, lingered with malaise but nothing really serious, and died after maybe three days. My mom died at 95 after years of being unable to walk or talk due to dementia. She didn't know much of anything that was happening to her at that time. My friend had dementia and had developed celiac disease late in life; he weighed only 90 lbs. when he passed but was pretty much unaware of anything for months before he died in hospice.

So - ways of passing vary.

Not a story, but being on this forum has made me realize how long some people can linger. It's sad, and scary

Do you have hospice help for her at home? They are not just end of life, but offer palliative care paid for by Medicare. Hospice will be a great comfort to you (and your mom) in these last few years (months/weeks).

Theres not a lot of ways to tell for sure when death is coming. However if she is still eating, she could go in like this for quite a while. Yes, it’s true, she could pass without notice…stroke, heart attack etc, but again no way to predict.

I was told (unless sudden big heart attack etc) that the process of dying can take awhile. They will stop wanting to eat, take in any liquids. They will become unresponsive to more and more things like TV, people talking to them etc. They will sleep more and more. Eventually they will just lie there barely breathing until their body gives up breathing all together. But there’s a lot of times right before death, they could rally and be responsive again for a very short while.

Please contact hospice in your area to get help in your home. Or at least speak with her Drs, your Dr or get online and learn about death.

Hospice is really helping me with my husband who is dying of Alzheimer’s. He is just now not wanting to eat. He is very unresponsive most of the time. It’s so hard to watch your loved one be taken from you a little at a time. I know he would hate how things are for him now. But I am determined to be there for him when his time comes if possible. I’ve heard that some people want someone by their side and others wait until someone leaves the room so they can be alone. Not sure if capable of so much “planning” at end of life, but again that’s what I’ve heard.

Please educate yourself on death, it may give you some comfort. Hospice is the best.

Right now I'm caring for my Dad who is 96yrs with Lewy Body Dementia (hallucinations - He wakes up thinking his hands are on fire, or someone is trying to kill him, crazy stuff). Also, he's had dysphagia for some time now so all his meals are liquid (Protein powder is main source) He can still get up to use the restroom and even go outside to sit in the patio and tinker for an hour or so, but mostly just sleeps. I hear him talking to all sorts of folks on the other side, brothers, etc., he's been doing this for months so ? My husband passed away last year and the day he died he told me he saw his grandmother just before I arrived at the hospital. He had never really spoken of his grandmother before so that was a big sign for me to know that he might be leaving soon - He died that night! When Mom died, she was first calling for me - I told her to cut the silver cord if she needed to go - it was okay - we will be okay Mom! She patted my hand and a few hours later was calling for her mom and then passed within an hour of that. So, I think no one can ever really know exactly when it will happen - We just have to keep them safe, clean, and comfortable. That's all we can do - it's very sad when they linger on like this. My Dad might be around for a while too - he has longevity in his family - His sister passed away a year ago at 104. My best wishes to you and your Mom. Take care.

You will know when your loved is ready to pass away when the stop eating and their breathing becomes more difficult or shallow. Their body will weaken. Their skin will feel cool. You will hear the death rattle
You will know when life leaves their body. See if her doctor recommends Hospice Care. They will make sure your mom is comfortable. I hope your mom goes peacefully.

My husband was 88 and had been in dialysis and had Congestive heart failure. He went to dialysis on a Monday and helped a man from falling, but he wasn’t supposed to lift anything more than 10lbs.
When he came home that night, he told me and he was anxious all night. At 1:00 he woke me and said something was wrong, off to the hospital. They admitted him and he just kept going down, trouble breathing, put on oxygen, didn’t want to watch tv, that was his favorite thing to do.
They moved him to ICU, said it was just a matter of time. He too was talking to his family members who had been gone for years.
My Grandson and I were on each side of him holding his hand when he let go of ours and put his hands up motioning to someone to come . He did this repeatedly for at least twelve times!!!
I know if my Grandson hadn’t been there he’d of not believed me. My husband was greeting his family and they were coming for him! It was amazing and it made us okay that he was leaving because he was with his family. Of course I wish we hadn’t lost him, but it was quick and he went happy.
All deaths are different and I hope your Mom will go peacefully also when the time comes.
Prayers to you.

You cannot know or predict the end. In my brother's case he got sepsis from a tiny sore on his shin and he was resistant to antibiotics. In two weeks time, at 85, he was gone.
The one certainty is change. You will never be able to plan beyond a certain extent.

I would recommend hospice services. They can walk you through the end of life signs and prepare your mother and your family. When my dad passed away at the end of December 2023, we made his funeral plans. After the conversation, he said that he was ready to go! He had dementia so our conversations were a bit interesting. He repeated his statement, Let's Go! I'm ready! I told him that his departure is between him and God. I don't know when it will happen. He was a little disappointed. Then 36 hours later, I got a call from memory care stating my dad's condition had changed and I needed to get there. When I walked into the room, the hospice nurse was listening to his heart and he took his last breath. The hospice nurse was very compassionate to my father and to me. Perhaps a conversation with your mom giving her permission to let go could help. As you said, every situation is different. Sending prayers!

Sorry you are going thru this, it is heartbreaking to watch. I had many loved ones die, but my second husband's death from cancer destroyed me. I had him home on hospice care. I could have never made it without Hospice. I was so scared, I could hardly function. It was around Xmas, so I decorated the house with lights he loved. They brought a hospital bed in, which helped. They give you lots of good info in a binder.

I would get Hospice on board. They are literally ANGELS. They are pros with their medical knowledge, experience, as well as huge hearts for dying people. Not many could handle it.

I learned to keep things calm, loving and play favorite music softly. I know it's hard, but comfort is key.

As long as a dog has more right to die with dignity than a human being, these stores are going to continue.

Mom quit eating salad her favorite three weeks before she passed, then ate ice cream until two days before. She quit drinking water 48 hours before. Hospice gave her morphine and she passed without pain two weeks ago,

jeepgirl0909: My mother suffered a life ending ischemic stroke while I was living out of state with her. Perhaps you should bring in hospice.

Your mother doesn't want to continue this way but it's out of our hands. Has anyone tried anything for her depression? My mother was bedridden for about 8 months and got very weak from covid19,passed away 3 months later. I think it's tougher on us than them. I've got to say that it was very close, mom received last rites about 12 hours before she passed. She became very aware that the priest was there to forgive her sins and felt comforted by his blessing. I felt comforted,too! There's so much the church can help you with during this stressful time. If your mother is looking to the Lord,maybe she should talk to the priest and tell him why she's thinking about leaving. Maybe she's not prepared to go just yet? If anything, she'll be forgiven for her sins and have someone who handles these things on a daily basis to help her and you through this.

I ask myself the same questions. I think part of it is that we want to be prepared for it somehow and that we never know when or how it will end until it does. We want to do and say the right things and there is no real guide for this. One minute they are fine - then they seem to be dying - then they are rallying and fine again. Maybe we are grateful for that - maybe not. The emotional roller coaster is exhausting. I think the only thing you can do is put some thought into the different possibilities that could happen and give yourself permission to feel whatever feelings come. It is a bit like a dress rehearsal- but we don’t know which scene will play out. Just don’t dwell on it all of the time. I think of those unhappy thoughts as being in a small room where I can go and deal with if I need to, but I can also shut the door and walk on by if I don’t. Anyway, it helps me to try to be ready for anything. It also helps me stay as organized as possible with the duties I have while they are here and plan for the immediate aftermath so that hopefully I don’t just lose it, or if I do, the planning will be there when I get myself back together. You will be ok. I tell myself that too.

My dad was paralysed due to stage 4 cancer having spread to his spine. He was hooked up to a pump driver for morphine to keep the pain in check.

The day before he died, Roy's brain took him to a happier place. The carers in the nursing home were having parties each night and he was joining in - that's why he was so tired and wanted to stay in bed. He told me to go and have a drink at a pub on the pier before going home (the town is miles from the sea, but he used to live in a seaside town). He said he could hear the music drifting in on the sea breeze, and he wanted me to enjoy life. When he was better, we'd go and eat fish & chips from the paper while watching the waves, then we'd go to the bar and perhaps he'd take his guitar and play.

The next day he couldn't wake up.
I was shocked that his jaw had dropped and his mouth was wide open - far wider than I would have thought possible. It was a little scary and difficult to get used to. Roy's breathing was erratic - he'd stop for many seconds and I would think that he had passed, then the strained sound would start again.

I played classical music for him - he'd been a professional musician, so music was special to him - and I talked to him. I told him stories about myself and his grandchild and great grandchildren, and how growing up without a dad, I'd always longed to meet him - just in case he could hear.
He died in the evening, after I'd left him.

I've heard that sometimes people cling on for their loved ones - sometimes for you to get there in time to say goodbye and sometimes for you to leave so they can let this world go. I don't know whether that's true, or if it's just stories to help ourselves reconcile our hearts and minds to the awful sadness and finality of death. I do think that whatever we believe, it should be the thing that makes us feel better - never cling onto a belief that isn't serving you.

May I suggest that you don't think about how the end will come? You can't predict when or how.

Instead, think about whether you have made sure your mum is as comfortable as possible - which you have. And consider what can be done about her quality of life, however long or short that may now be.

Would having a radio on keep her engaged, or a TV? Would she appreciate listening to audio books? Does your mum have visitors, or is there money to pay for companionship from carers a couple of times a week?

I don't know whether Mum is at home with you, or if she is in a care home. I do hope that you are not allowing your mum's low mood to infect yours. It's difficult, but you need to separate yourself from your mum.

I am paraphrasing what AlvaDeer says - you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You should try to only worry what is within your control and learn to accept what is outside of it.

My mom is 98 and has gone through this. She would ask why the Lord won't take her already, pray constantly, cry, but it will pass. All I can say is don't think about her passing think about her living. Don't end up with regrets that you missed absorbing these last days with her because you were worrying about something you cannot control. Spend the time you have sitting with her, holding her hand, brushing her hair, be tactile. My mom was not a big photo album person until just recently. Now, although she can't speak, and I don't think she recognizes me she stares at the pictures, last time I pulled them out of the album so she could hold them, and she just smiled at each one and hugged the photo. Every person is different but just be with her and enjoy that you can be. Also, my mom just a few months ago lived in front of the TV because she loved baseball and watched the Dodgers. But now she likes to just sit peacefully. So be open to her changes. And if you are a person of faith - this is the detachment from this world that she needs, the ability to let go of all the material things that we think are necessary for a happy life, the bridge between this world and the next. Just sit close and let her know you love her. The heartbreak is there no matter how someone passes, your love for her is a blessing so just be there for her and let her be. Pray, hope, but don't worry.

All of what you ask is possible. We don’t know until it happens. Like others have said - stay in the present. I used to have a saying posted on my refrigerator but now I don’t know where it went. But the gist of it was that worry about the future robs you of joy in the present. It is true.
When my parents pass I hope that a Dr. Seuss saying helps:
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

Well lady at the facility 2 yrs older was set in her ways lol. At certain times she either yelled "Help" and/or while sitting in her wheelchair would motion to "come" so she could get in bed at 7PM. One time she was so pissed about her bed, she rolled all the way down to the front desk, from the second floor, to complain.

Sadly, she passed Christmas evening, after being sick a few days earlier. I hope she found peace.

They moved her roommate, who sadly is/was blind, and was in her own little world to a different room. She was either in bed or in a wheelchair, totally dependent on others for everything.

My Mother was 96 years old and she just passed The last 3 weeks of her life She became very ill with pulmonary edema. Prior to her getting Ill she was slowing down but still very active living in a independent living community. She also had no cognitive issues. I noticed though she he was getting very frail and had lost a lot of weight. In the last 3 weeks of life she had become bed ridden, using oxygen 24 hours a day and was living In a skilled nursing facility.
The lord was merciful. Allowing my mother only to struggle and suffer In the last 3 weeks of her life Saying goodbye to her was nothing as I imagine it. Being present I felt peace in the room as she transitioned. I will miss her.

I lost my mother in June. She would have been 96 on August 20th. She was in a SNF with my father. She was very angry and depressed with her situation. She had end stage CHF. She was not mobile and on oxygen. She no longer wanted to live.

I started my one month visit in early May when I noticed she lost an incredible amount of weight. She no longer had any muscle in her arms or legs. Two weeks later she stopped eating and began hallucinating. We started her on hospice.

One week later she died.

Her decline seemed like it would never end. But the dying process happened very quickly when it finally set in.

I flew back the day she died because my sister thought she was nearing the end. . That day I saw my mother in the morning and decided to go back and stay with her in the afternoon. It was good I did because her vitals were dropping. I called my sisters. We were all there with her and we wheeled dad in to be with her. It is a Catholic facility and we had a lovely nun sit with us too. She was so comforting.

It was actually a beautiful end for her. It was peaceful and she was not alone. we were all there.

Spend time with your mother. Don’t worry about the future. It will unfold soon enough.