I really, really need help. I will not survive much longer. I can't go into mom's room without crying. I had to go to the store for bread and milk this morning and I kept seeing "mom's favorites". My mom is 99 and I had to put her in a nursing home after another stroke. I can't imagine me ever getting through with a funeral. I am the reason she is in a nursing home, and probably why she had another stoke. I know she will never get to come home and that is more than I can bear already. I cried at the store. lI cry at home. I am always cryng unless I am asleep. I go see mom every other day and she knows who I am. She never can remember that I have been there though. Sometimes I have to leave early because I know I won't be able to hold the tears back. My house is a wreck because mom went through her sorting stage here and I gave up trying to keep anything where it needed to be. Now I need to straighten everything out and I just can't. Partiallly beacuse I dont't know how and where to start. I seem to have no motivation even though I know it has got to be done. I still don't know anyone in this town so I have no one to talk to. Mom is my relative. I don't know what to put in "contact in case of emergency" now From my room, through the kitchen and all the rest of the house is filled with her stuff. She never threw anything away. Now I can't. I am having muscle spasms because I am a nervous wreck. The anxiety as it is called these days is killing me. I don't know what to do. There are no counselors in this town. It is too small. There is a shrink, but I can't pay, and anyway, I really don't have any idea of what I would say. Men don't understand it seems. They say "you need to straighten yourself up". How? If I didn't have a cat to feed and take care of I doubt that I would still be here. Noone comes by here and no one calls. What do I do now? I have no concentration to read or try to make something or anything. I am just completely lost. I am scared and all alone. I read this site and sometimes it helps, but not usually. Someone out there please tell me what to do, Please
Please expand your search for help beyond the small town you live in. What else is in your county? Where is the nearest city? A place to start collecting information is the NH. You've gone there so regularly you probably know some of staff and can identify the ones that seem especially kind and helpful. Explain that it is very difficult for you to visit your mom, that you cry a lot, and that you'd like some help. What do they suggest for counselling? If you would prefer talking to a woman, then that is what you should be looking for.
It looks like you have had your mother more than 60 years. That is wonderful! So many parents die in their 80s or even 70s. That your mother has had such a long life is a gift to you. I hope you can get help dealing with this grief, so you can celebrate what a wonderful relation you have had. It is painful to lose a loved one, and even if she lives to be 100 you will grieve over her death. You need to take care of yourself and enjoy whatever time you have left with Mother. It is another gift that she still recognizes you.
Also ask the NH about hospice. Even if your mother is not ready for their services yet, they have a lot of experience helping family members deal with issues of loss and impending loss. Getting in touch with them may be a resource for you, or they may have a recommendation of someone you can see.
Another resource is United Way or other charitable organizations in the county. They have lists of appropriate places that offer all kinds of services, and they can direct you to help.
What about the friends you left behind? Are you in touch with anyone by phone or email or letters? Is there anyone you could contact at this point?
It is good that you recognize that you need help. There is help available. You may need to be a little more creative in finding it than you would in a big city, but it is there.
I wish you the strength to search out the help you need and deserve.
I agree with everything everyone wrote on here from priest/clergy in church, to resources from the NH, to friends and family and vitamins and healthy eating and exercise (if only a walk) to getting a psyc eval for depression (associated with pregrieving).
I too went through that when my Dad was still here. I lived with him and my mom, now just my mom, and cried night after night knowing he was suffering. I cried after his death last September but quiet honestly sobbed worse when he was alive.
Mom experienced some health issues last week, the sobbing started again, I got her into urgent care. The problem? Constipation!!! ha ha, that almost made me laugh. I was sobbing over crap? (Come on, you can laugh at me, I will be ok with that!!! ~ Humor is good!!!)
Mom also has hypothyroidism which contributed to the problem. I overreacted because her tummy hurt, she was doubled over numerous times of the day and clutching her stomach...that's what my Dad did when he was having his heart attack. I associated the two ~ that's when I took her to urgent care ~ now she is getting care for her thyroid ... trust me, the constipation problem was solved with a few doses of milk of magnesia ... yep!
Others people's healths we do not control unless we are managing and monitoring their meds and not giving them to the person or not making food available to them which no one on this site would do. You have done everything you can as a human being to make sure your mom has quality of life. Now YOU have that quality as well.
Peg
Hint for going thru stuff... Garbage is just that, get rid of that stuff first. Than give stuff that's useful away, to someone else who may need it. Be careful of Money hidden in things. One bag at a time if it's all you can handle. Don't pressure yourself, you are only human. If your Mom's health and safety are in check & her basic comfort is good, that is all a blessing!!! Wishing you and your Mom well.