I am a paid live in companion caretaker. I care of an 83 year old man with early signs of dementia. His daughter has hired me to care for her Dad. He is affectionate and asks for hugs in the morning and night and asks me to sit by him and hold his hand for a few minutes. I have been doing this because I feel human touch is very important and I am warm and caring person. That said, his daughter has approached me and stated he was telling people at the senior center I would sit on his lap and was "snuggling" with him. None of these things are true and I have never heard him say that to the many friends and family who call him to chat throughout the day. But he does have flirtatious type interactions with other seniors at the center .There has NEVER been ANY inappropriate interactions between us. There our cameras in the living room and kitchen/dining room on at all times. She can clearly see there has never been anything you can even remotely misconstrue as inappropriate. She has asked me to not sit next to her Father nor hold his hand anymore. She refused to tell him that this was her request so she left it to me. He is a very sweet man and he is soo very upset by this and is upset with his daughter, and claims she's controlling every little thing. I never say a negative thing about this to her Dad but she keeps insuiating that I'm the cause of his distress with her. I am heartbroken and feel very unsure about my role here. One more thing, when my Grandkids came with my daughter to pick me up for my 54th Birthday last week. He just adored them and told them to call him Pap Pap. They are 8,6,4, and 2. They loved him to pieces. I was told by his daughter that was inappropriate and they were not allowed to call him Pap, only by his first name. There have been a few more comments that she has made (for example; well Dad did you ever go sit by Mom on the couch and hold her hand?) that leave me feeling quite unsure of her expectations of me, even though I have tried to validate her concerns, repeat back her requests for confirmation and have been kind and respectful in all our interactions. Her Mother my clients wife just passed away 10 months ago. I have only been here for 3 and a half weeks. Am I missing something or am I correct in my instinct that this could be jealousy? I'm thinking I should probably start looking for another position elsewhere. I have excellent references and years of experience working with elder/dementia and developmentally disabled adults. I have never found my self in this type of situation before. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
As for your grandkids calling him 'pap pap'. That's innappropriate. They should be taught respect and that you address an elderly person as 'Mr' 'Mrs' 'Miss' or 'Ms' unless instructed to call them by their first names. Basic manners are pretty much non-existent with the children of today and that's a shame. Teach your grandkids some. Your client is not their grandfather nor is he a surrogate grandfather to them. Make sure they know this. There's nothing wrong with the kids visiting him and interacting with him if they like visiting and he enjoys them being there.
Have a talk with his daughter and tell her plainly that you're not doing anything uunderhanded and that your grandchildren know that her father is not their grandfather. The daughter should also keep an eye on his finances and be checking things regularly.
Dad can hold hands, sit close and hug with willing peers all day at his senior center. Apparently, he is already. But he wants the same when he comes home. Huge red flag that this so called “experienced” caregiver isn’t working with daughter to redirect dating behaviors toward appropriate dating targets.
Some independents are capable of having the same discipline they would under an agency. The daughter is now cognizant of what to look for next time, hopefully, instead of spending 2.5 times as much to an agency. And as I said, plenty of situations for this caregiver where she can continue her lifestyle unhindered. This particular situation was just a bad fit all around, but likely lessons learned on all sides.
You cannot control the way her dad acts with other people but just let her know that you're warm and caring and professional. The situation may get better as she gets to know you better. If not you may have to leave this position unfortunately.
Not you, but others, shame on them for shaming the daughter for doing the right thing. The senior center is there if dad wants to meet women, but he’s already told staff there that he has a woman. This caregiver. And apparently her grands that he invited to call “pap pap” instead of dating a woman from the center and meeting her grandchildren.
Give written two week notice today and use that time to market yourself on care.com. Your ideal next client sounds like an elder with whom you can build a quasifamily “just like family” environment where hugging and pap pap and whatever is allowed. Plenty of clients exist who dont have kids, or their kids are far off, or less engaged, or told to bugger off. We children tend to be stuck with cleanup in the aftermath of unreinforced boundaries. Ask my next door neighbor or my cousins or us regarding the in laws. Plenty of situations you can find to continue your lifestyle.
As to us kids who might be in the daughter’s situation? My cousins family and mine both have seniors who have the resources and wherewithal to die at home. I’ve already advised both to appoint someone like this daughter as the boss when homecare is brought in.
Unfortunately I think it is time that you start looking for another client.
No matter what you tell the daughter she has in her mind that this is inappropriate and she will have in her mind all sorts of scenarios.,
(Side note I also think your grandkids should be calling this gentleman "Mr. George" if they see him again.
I also think it is not appropriate that you had them come to your workplace..yes even though it is also your home it is your place of work. this is someone's home and having a bunch of young kids exposing an older seemingly frail person to the 4 germ pools they carry is a bit risky and I am guessing that they all did not come in on their own that mom and or dad brought them so that is 1 or 2 more people he was exposed to...just my opinion)
The bottom line here is, right, wrong or indifferent, your employer (the daughter) has told you that certain behavior you display is inappropriate for the workplace (dad's home). You really only have 3 choices - 1) ignore your employer, continue with the behavior and suffer the possible consequence of being fired 2) stop the inappropriate behavior or 3) find another job.
While I understand the importance of physical contact, I can see his daughter's concerns. And having your grandchildren refer to her dad as "Pap Pap" is really beyond the pale, in my opinion. I would not have been happy with this if I were in her position, either, if I am being totally honest. There should be a professional line drawn, and as far as I'm concerned, that instance crossed it, regardless of how innocent it was meant or how much your kids "loved him to death".
I also don’t blame the daughter at all for setting boundaries and clarifying that you are not to act similar to a girlfriend or wife, however inadvertently with innocent intentions. Elderly men have been scammed by female caregivers making them believe that they are in love with them, encouraging them to marry them, encouraging them to believe that their adult children are out to get them and to cut the adult children out of the will and instead give POA and money and assets to the caregiver and the caregiver’s family members, etc., etc. I have to admit that would be one of the first places my mind would go if I found out my hired caregiver’s grandchildren were now referring to my father as if he were their grandfather.
That the OP mentioned he was flirty at the Sr community center is already a red flag. He’s a flirty touchy old Rooster and the OP is a hugs and hold person. It’s a bad combo. The daughter - I’m will to bet - has dealt with this before & it’s easier for her to blame others than accept Dad is just this type of man.
It reminds me of Mad Men episode when they go to visit Gene, Betty’s father. Don & Betty are all seated at breakfast in his home with his current older 2nd wife or girlfriend, along with her brother and his wife (who live nearby & have been sending SOS signals on Gene's behavior & health, which Betty till then has ignored)., Gene slaps Betty's butt and tells her something like “let’s not clear the dishes but go upstairs to bed”. The expression of the actors are priceless.
Igloo have a very important and essential list of questions. You need to make sure all the quality and legal protections are in place, with a solid contract, to protect both you and him/his family from trouble with the IRS or worse.
The daughter wants you to behave professionally. Hand holding, close sitting, and even hugging in this context are inappropriate. Tell him you work for Medicare and the only way you can stay is never to do that again, and from now on, have your daughter leave the grands in the car when she picks her up.
Not saying that this person is the same type of person but the daughter has valid reasons to set bounderies.
You are mistaken. Private-duty homecare is different than working in a facility.
Many times when I was agency-hired with hospice at home, as an agency-hired caregiver, or when I was an AL staff supervisor, I held a lot of hands. I gave a lot of side hugs, many times was a shoulder to cry on, and would even pray with a person if it was a comfort to them. I once had a hospice client who was an old Italian lady that barely spoke English. A devout Catholic too. I'm Jewish but I would pray the rosary with her because I still remember the Latin. It was a comfort to her in her last days. We did have a nurse that stopped in twice a week and did nothing who had a problem with the praying. I plainly told her where she could shove it and that she wasn't the one dying of cancer. The client was. The client's husband told her where to step off too.
There's a professional boundary that most people with common sense understand about what kind of contact and interaction is appropriate when you are a paid caregiver. It's not complicated.
I have some questions for you, if you don’t mind. As my suggestions for how to possibly deal with this will be based on the answers….. So how are you getting paid to be a live in caretaker? I assume that you do not work for an agency, is that right?
So like What type of agreement was done btwn you and his daughter? Is it in writing and dated prior to Day 1 3.5 weeks ago? Did the daughter do this an an employer / employee? Are you paid based on a 40 hr work week? with overtime paid? how are hours being tracked? Is she doing full FICA for you? So you have filled out a W-9 and perhaps an I-9 as well? So this is 100% a reportable to IRS job? How is your in-kind compensation (to be living in this home) dealt with? Do you have set time off? and when that happens is he left alone?
Or is this a verbal agreement and done very casually?
Do you have your own car so you can totally leave when you are not on duty?
How did your being hired as a live in come about? Any idea if she contacted your past references before hiring you or since?
The late wife died 10 mo ago. Was there a caregiver prior to you?
Only you can decide if staying will be worth it for YOU. She'll find him another caregiver and if it's a female, will probably go through the same thing. If I were you I wouldn't be hugging or holding him, as this I think you don't understand how common it is in people with dementia to confabulate romantic relationships where none exist.
You can either stop doing it (and tell him some therapeutic fib why you can't) or you find a new job. It may benefit your professional self to do some further education about dementia so you can keep professional boundaries with future clients.
I would think living there makes it hard to be professional but you need to do that. He is Mr Jones to your grands and daughter. I would hold hands with my Dad, but not my male client. With Dementia he may eventually think there is more to your relationship. Sorry, I would not even hug him but then I am not a hugger.