He has a life long history of pathological lying. Diagnosed in his 60s with Covert Narcissism and Covert Psychopathy as no conscience/guilt/remorse. He acknowledges he gets a rush by duping people. He is now 80. Currently diagnosed with MCI. He also has Parkinsons. Promises to not repeat behavior on phone, text or email, but states he can justify it in his own mind.
Some of the lying is well thought out and hidden, other parts I can see it is possibly the MCI.
Is it appropriate to remove communication devices unless I am there? He has promised to show me the communications prior, but he is not.
He comes from a family that has refused to believe he has this diagnosis and refuses to believe he could be anything but perfect.
He has been estranged for 9 years from one son and grand children due to lying to them as well. He also has disclosed for 20 years he was attacted to his son's ex wife.
I reached out to family for years for help with his behavior. They have refused to believe me and state they don't accept he engages in this behavior as it would destroy their image of him ( well respected in his profession) and would make them look like fools to admit they were duped as well.
Thus I end up being the scapegoat who must be exaggerating. He has alienated me from his family members as my presence would not allow him to keep up the lies.
We have had years of marital therapy, he has had individual therapy and he has a psychiatrist, but unfortunately he lied to them as well, hence the diagnoses he received.
My dilemma is how to stop his continuiing maligning of my character, while I continue to look after him. Things are getting gradually worse with his memory and I can see Dementia or FTD being diagnosed soon.
Any suggestions on the electronic devices question?
Sorry this is so long and it may not be the correct place to ask this question.
Thank you if anyone has a suggestion.
You can stop him from using/having a phone. or using the internet if at all possible. Even using "therapeutic fib" to achieve this end.
You can tell him you'll leave him unless he 1) assigns you as his Poa and then 2) gets a cognitive exam. The goal would be to have the authority to relocate him to AL or MC. But don't make threats you aren't willing or able to carry out.
Only you can decide what a solution looks like for you.
I'm sorry you've been subjected to this for so long.
He is otherwise very rational, stoic person.
Just saying PD is horrible.
Every dr advised it was time for facility, lucky for me hubby found good one.
My advice, build your own support system, so important for any of progressive diseases which only get worse.
It is understatement to say how much I value people who support me.
See a lawyer and get your money and let him be. However he goes down is however it’s going to happen.
I don’t know if anyone has told you that you don’t have to stick with this and you don’t have to give care to him.
Thank you to all who replied. I will look for a therapist as well but trying to find someone trained in personality disorders and cognitive decline is difficult. I just wondered if anyone else also had the same difficulty. Trying to empathize and care for someone with Dementia symptoms but torn with the history of manipulation and deceit. Hard to walk away when you know he cannot do his own finances etc. but is not yet ill enough to go into care. I am appreciative of your responses. I wish you all the best on your journey.
It seems this has been a problem for you your entire marriage. Why the interest in controlling it now? I don't think there is anything you can do to stop or control this behavior. And, yes, it will definitely get worse with the onset of dementia.
It is unfortunate that his family does not see it. I don't expect you will change their minds now. I can't think of any realistic way you could manage or supervise his use of electronic devices. I'm sure people who have known him a long time already know to take anything he says with a grain of salt.
I think I kind of understand. I have a stepson who compulsively lies. He just makes stuff up. And, he doesn't seem concerned about covering his stories.
He can make a statement, and then contradict it in the next sentence. And if you question him, his explanations become so convoluted as to make no sense at all.
I'm not sure why he does it. I don't think it's for any type of gain. I feel like he just has a creative imagination, and likes to tell the story in his head because it is more interesting than the reality. But, I can't imagine what it's like living with a narcissistic liar. You poor thing. I feel bad for you, but you've done it for this long... not sure what you are hoping to see change now.
Maybe someone else can offer a more useful suggestion.
You need to consult with an Elder Lawyer about splitting of your assets. His split goes to his care and when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. At that point, you remain in the home, get a car and enough or all of your monthly income to live on.
Just hearing everyone’s comments is helpful. I feel supported , calmer and am greatful to all of you.
You all take care of yourselves as well.
Sorry I’m not sure if this goes to everyone or I am just replying to one person.
All my best.