OkieGranny Asked January 28, 2026
Husband in assisted living constantly soaking disposable underwear, chair and bed pads, and his clothing. Refusing to cooperate with staff.
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He has MCI bordering on dementia, so I don't know how much is that and how much is he has always been a lazy and difficult person. He refuses to shower or shave, and will sit in his wet clothing rather than get up and change. He knows he can ask the staff for help, but he doesn't. He refuses to do things when they do offer to help him. He lies to me when I ask him about his showering, acting like they aren't doing what they should. I cannot afford memory care. Are there any incontinence products that hold huge amounts of urine?
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Not sure if this still is true , but by me uncontrolled incontinence was a ticket to an SNF nursing home . Then he could eventually go on Medicaid .
He may end up with a large sore on his butt requiring SNF nursing home .
Get an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist about medications. If he is doing this about defiance, there is medication to calm him. If it's because he's too depressed to take any action, there are antidepressants.
I hope you can find solutions. This must be incredibly frustrating.
If you're not his PoA (and he doesn't have one or want one) then you can call in social worker for your county and tell them he's uncooperative with care and needs MC but doesn't have the money. Explore Medicaid qualifications. See what the options are. Maybe him becoming the ward of a court-assigned 3rd party guardian is an appropriate solution for him.
You need to see an elder lawyer well versed in Medicaid. He will help you split your assets. Husbands split will go to his care when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. At that point, you can remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of the monthly income to live on.
He should be in briefs (adult diapers) if he is incontinent, and you can purchase washable as well as disposable underpads to cover the bed and chairs.
I think your troubles will not be solved by changing his incontinence products. His care needs are exceeding what his Assisted Living can provide.
I'm sorry that you feel you can not afford memory care. You could hire an aide to provide extra assistance with his personal cares. You can go there yourself and help him with grooming, get him in the shower, if you have to get in with him. You could take his wet clothing home to wash, and leave clean, dry clothing there for him, and change out the soaked underpads.
If you can't afford to have someone else do all those things, then you are left to do it. Or you can accept that he is not going to be as clean as you would like, and let the AL staff continue to try and meet his needs. They may kick him out if he becomes too difficult for them to manage. So, be prepared with plan B.
If you cannot afford Memory Care, then you'll have to take him back home to live or apply for Medicaid to get him into Skilled Nursing care, if you qualify.
Best of luck to you.
I bought a waterproof cover for her bed which also helped. They put chucks in her recliner at times which helps with smells. She still has accidents, but the staff won't let her just sit there wet.
I do appreciate all the answers I have received, and it is not clear to me, when I should have realized myself, that my spouse has dementia, not just MCI.
Thank you all. My next step is to see an elder care attorney. Hope it doesn't cost too much.
Sounds like you may have been a Co-Dependant before the onset of dementia and that you are still taking on more responsibility for his behavior and consequences.
I might be missing something although I believe these are questions you need to ask yourself.
What does it matter if 'he has always been a lazy and difficult person" to know what is due to his changing brain and past behavior? What you need to focus on is 'now' and what his needs are; what your involvement is; what facility / MD will / will not do; and if there is anything that can be done to improve his current situation.
He sounds depressed and not caring.
Consult with MD to see if this might help.
I would encourage you to ask yourself what your concerns are and step back and see what happens. If you aren't there to 'rescue' him, perhaps he still has the ability to fend for himself in some ways. If he is depressed / onset of dementia, then you need to find out how to manage with medical / staff help. And, learn how to interact with a person with dementia. You cannot talk to a person with dementia as if they do not have it. At some point, you need to let go and understand his limitations / abilities, whether due to dementia and/or his history of being difficult / depressed.
Gena / Touch Matters
I don't know why she needs to be concerned at all about his care needs!
OkieGranny - Divorce, or at least separate your assets and separate yourself from this mess he is currently in. You did not cause it, and you can not fix it. You can separate yourself from it and focus on your needs now.
and in the evening at bedtime. Basically every 12 hours. I tried adding guards pads to his regular pull-ups and they still leaked. This went on for months as I tried different brands. I don’t know if I’m allowed to name a brand but it’s Under-X. I change him at 6 am and 6 pm and even diarrhea doesn’t leak, which was a huge 2x weekly issue that had me crying, dealing with that mess.i don’t have to add guards and the padding is wider than most other brands. They are more expensive and deliver monthly but worth every penny to me just for the relief of not dealing with washing pads, clothing, etc. constantly.
Use your remaining time on this earth to live peacefully, without him. He can offer you nothing- consider seeking help from a relationship therapist and one that has experience with abusive relationships.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong.