My husband and I have been with eachother everyday for 2yrs now. His Dementia has been getting worse this last year. He will not have anyone else be with him including our daughters. Says " I don't want or need any babysitters". I feel guilty because I know he would upset when I leave for awhile.I was in hospital for 5 days and my daughters stayed with him which he was very unhappy. They had him up at hospital from morning until dinner time. It was rough on them and him. Not sure how to deal with leaving him to give myself a break. Suggestions please.
Your husband is really not going to like this but if you find the right person to help you and your husband, It will be a very good thing for both of you. Many seniors with dementia fight getting nurses or aides, But once they realize that the person who is helping them is confident in their abilities and really does make them feel comfortable and happy things will improve.
You need some time for yourself. You cannot go on being the only person that your husband is connected to. But he absolutely does need to feel safe and that he is being well cared for.
Day 1 Betty comes for lunch and the 3 of you sit and chat.
Day 2 Betty comes and you have to run out for milk and ask Betty if she will toss some things in the laundry for you while you are gone.
Day 3 Betty Comes and you have a doctor appointment you forgot about but you just started some cookies for your daughter. Can Betty help finish to cookies.
You get the idea. Betty is a friend that came to visit, your husband gets used to having her in the house.
Or
"Betty is going to come a few days a week to "clean" and you follow the same routine. The thing is you have hired Betty to help YOU not him....now as he gets more used to having her she can do more to help him when it is needed.
Medicare has a GUIDE program that may help pay for a caregiver. I think it is $2500 per year.
If your husband is a Veteran the VA may have more help available. If he is a Veteran check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission and see what help is available. It could be a little or a LOT
You need and deserve a break. He will just have to accept it and get over it.
Do not expect your daughters to be his caregivers to give you a break. Find a respite stay arrangement for him, in a care home, or hire professional caregivers to come to the house. If he doesn't like it, and chases them away, fine. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't cause this condition, you can't fix it, and you have been there every day for him. You need a break so you can come back to him feeling refreshed and ready to continue with the hardest job you'll ever do.
So if that means that you hire an aide to come sit with him a few hours a day under the guise that he/she is there to help you, so be it. And this person can be doing things like laundry, some cleaning, or whatever you may need help with all the while keeping an eye on your husband.
Or better yet, take your husband to your local Adult Daycare Center. He can be there up to 5 days a week and 8 hours per day. They will serve him breakfast lunch and a snack, and keep him busy with all kinds of fun activities. And they can even pick him up and bring him home if needed. There is a cost for this of course but it's worth every penny, plus it gives you much needed breaks so you can do things you need to and that you enjoy.
And if money is an issue they do offer financial help as does the VA if your husband is a veteran.
You need to take care of yourself if you are in this for the long haul as there is nothing easy about caring for a loved one with dementia, and you matter too.
However you should have some kind of paid support, rather than requiring them to disrupt their lives, especially if the rejection by their dad is hurtful to him. The adult day center is an excellent idea. You could present it as a social group you'd like to try and stay with him for a few hours the first couple of times.
And yes, also get him used to having aides come to the house. Give them a few household needs like laundry or cleaning the kitchen and they can chat with him while they're there, offer to fix him lunch, and just generally be sociable. Tell them some topics that he likes to talk about, and hopefully he will enjoy socializing.
If he gets angry or agitated with you and with others, have his doctor(s) prescribe medication(s) to calm him.
Does he have some male friends from before his dementia developed who would come and visit with him while you go out? They could pick up a take-out meal or you could order something on Doordash and let them have a social lunch while you slip out. Maybe they'd enjoy watching a game or a movie together?
I'm really sorry that he and you got hit with this so early. You absolutely do need to find safe escape strategies. I hope you will find solutions. Keep us posted on how things are going.