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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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He is too embarrassed when I help clean him up. is now sitting in dirty pants and refusing to let me clean him. He retreats to the bed and refuses to do anything at all that I ask.
You may have told us this in other posts, but I can't recall. (It would be good to update your profile so we could look it up.) How old is your husband? How long has he had dementia? Do you know what kind of dementia he has been diagnosed with?
Does he have spells when he more coherent? If so, that would be a good time to try to talk to him reasonably about the issue. It may take several conversations, and even then the logic may not carry over to the less coherent periods, but it is worth a try. "Sweetie, when we took each other for better or for worse, I sure didn't think it might mean one of us wiping the other's butt. Did you? But this is something that is not your fault and not my fault. It is just part of a disease. I love you very much and I am very willing to honor my vows. I hope you will let me." Maybe a little talk about preventing skin damage, too.
My husband was not embarrassed about hygiene health. Where I had to reason with him was about going to a day care program. "You can't help having this disease. I doing everything in my power to make it possible for you to stay home with me. You have to do your part. I have to have some hours every week when I know you are safe and cared for. Going to the day program helps me be able to take care of you the rest of the time." We had to have reminder conversations, but appealing to his desire to help me be able to keep him at home was mostly successful.
If your husband no longer has periods when he is lucid enough to have this kind of conversation you'll need other strategies. A bidet could help. Showering is an option.
I thought of something else. Is it possible to get him on a schedule of when he has to have a bowel movement? If so, you could just explain that he has to shower after that every day. Will he allow you help him in the shower? That might be rather challenging, but at least you can get him clean in the shower and maybe he won't be so focused on the feces issue. Good luck.
There is also a special toilet which spray-cleans automatically, warm water, then blows warm air to dry. It also has heated seat! A friend had one installed, liked it so much they replaced their other toilet too. I saw one at Lowe's last week but I can't remember the name right now.
I'm not sure what you could do. I never encountered that before. The dementia makes it very difficult, because it's not easy to reason with him and even if you resolve the problem one time, he may forget the next time, so you have to start over again.
Do you think he's resistant because it's you who is trying to help clean him? Would he respond better if it was a male assistant or someone he didn't know? How long do you intend to keep him in the home? Even if you have help come in for a few hours during the day, he could still need cleaning after they leave.
Perhaps there are some here who can give you some good advice. I'm afraid I can't. I do feel for you. This must be so frustrating. The only thing I can think of is to talk to his doctor and see if there might be some medications that might make him less resistant.
Before I read these comments, I tried to clean him standing up in the bathroom, leaning over and holding onto the shower seat in the bathtub. He didn't like this method at all. Then I tried cleaning him in bed lying down over a quilted waterproof pad with moisten wipes. This way worked fairly well, but was a harder for me to do. I think the idea of installing a bidet sounds good. Will try to find out where to get one and who should install it. I know I need an aide but have had trouble deciding when to have them come and which agency to contact.
My dad will not let anyone help him with this same issue. He lives in assisted living and does not have dementia. I cannot change the plumbing there. I looked into the Freedom Wand but he does not have the dexterity in his hands to use it. I have found no solution yet that will work for him and allow him to keep his sense of dignity.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How old is your husband?
How long has he had dementia?
Do you know what kind of dementia he has been diagnosed with?
Does he have spells when he more coherent? If so, that would be a good time to try to talk to him reasonably about the issue. It may take several conversations, and even then the logic may not carry over to the less coherent periods, but it is worth a try. "Sweetie, when we took each other for better or for worse, I sure didn't think it might mean one of us wiping the other's butt. Did you? But this is something that is not your fault and not my fault. It is just part of a disease. I love you very much and I am very willing to honor my vows. I hope you will let me." Maybe a little talk about preventing skin damage, too.
My husband was not embarrassed about hygiene health. Where I had to reason with him was about going to a day care program. "You can't help having this disease. I doing everything in my power to make it possible for you to stay home with me. You have to do your part. I have to have some hours every week when I know you are safe and cared for. Going to the day program helps me be able to take care of you the rest of the time." We had to have reminder conversations, but appealing to his desire to help me be able to keep him at home was mostly successful.
If your husband no longer has periods when he is lucid enough to have this kind of conversation you'll need other strategies. A bidet could help. Showering is an option.
Do you think he's resistant because it's you who is trying to help clean him? Would he respond better if it was a male assistant or someone he didn't know? How long do you intend to keep him in the home? Even if you have help come in for a few hours during the day, he could still need cleaning after they leave.
Perhaps there are some here who can give you some good advice. I'm afraid I can't. I do feel for you. This must be so frustrating. The only thing I can think of is to talk to his doctor and see if there might be some medications that might make him less resistant.