They come unexpectedly like inspectors, and they don't want to leave when I ask them to go. They want to rule out my duties and only criticize everything. This seems like elder abuse. I am 88 my wife is 85 we have been married 62 years. Should I call the police?
Can you elaborate a bit for us about their criticisms?
I am 80 and I am capable and I have nothing but love from family, but I do understand that if I were caring for my partner, also in 80s, and the family became concerned re our safety for some reason, I might feel their visits or questions were intrusive when really they were trying to help.
Sit them down and discuss what would help you. Might you let them clean, take out the heavy garbage cans, cut grass, shop for you, and etc to let them think they are helping you?
I don't understand family showing up and the police being called if they are trying to be helpful to you, so do tell me more.
1. Unexpected visits will no longer be allowed; you and your wife should both have the courtesy of announcements before someone comes. Not to do so is just plain inconsiderate and rude. And establish limits on visiting time.
When my sister was in the last stages of cancer, some friends who weren't knowledgeable of the time limits for visiting someone terminally ill needed to be told that long visits were physically draining Sometimes even 1/2 hour was enough. I had no hesitation in establishing those boundaries.
2. Don't even answer the door when someone comes unexpectedly. You could even put up a notice that only arranged visits are acceptable.
3. If they're interested in "ruling out" your duties, create a list of those duties in a sign-up sheet and ask which ones they will volunteer to do, for free.
4. Don't even listen to their criticisms. When that starts, make an excuse and tell them they need to go as it's time for your naps.
5. I rather doubt police would get involved, but would probably ask you what steps you have taken to address the unwanted visits.
6. If their visits are of no value at all, send an e-mail (so you don't have to deal with them in person or listen to their arguments or criticisms) and advise that due to specific health issues (don't elaborate), you and your wife are no longer able to entertain unexpected visits.
Don't feel hesitant to stand up to them!
PS, I;ve just read responses posted while I was typing, and agree with the previous posts; they offer good suggestions. I was a bit harsher in my responses b/c it seems as though thus far they haven't been considerate of you or your wife's needs, and need some "tough talk" to get set straight.
In the above post you were caring for a 65 yr old and you needed to stop to be able to work. Gives the impression you are younger than 88. This was 4 months ago and now you are caring for an 85yr old wife?
If family has keys, have the locks changed. But, if ur children or siblings maybe they feel you can't do this caregiving alone. Caregiving is hard for us younger ones let alone an 88 yr old. Maybe your family is over the top but then too...maybe your are being a little stubborn. Maybe there can be some compromise here. Pick a family member who is easy to talk to. Tell this person you do not appreciate being talked at. Then listen to what this person has to say. In Caregiving, we all could use a little help. If placing wife is what family thinks you should do and you want to keep her home, then the compromise would be either family helping you more or you hiring/finding help.
I may, to ease their minds, to have Office of Aging evaluate your situation. Maybe they can help you with resources. Help u make your house safer. Give you suggestions. If they feel you are doing OK as ur wifes Caregiver then family has to accept what O of A finds. Please, don't think u can do it all. If it takes a Village to raise a child, it also takes a Village to help with Caregiving.