My mother has Alzheimer's and is currently living in her apartment with her spouse of over 30 yrs - (not my dad). She cannot drive, shop for groceries, cook, set up her own medication, etc. She is mobile with a walker, can feed herself, take care of bathing and bathroom needs, and can choose appropriate clothing. They have absolutely no assets what so ever and only survive on Social Security and a small $300 monthly pension. We are in the process of getting her approved for Medicaid and Aging Long Term Health Care which would include AL and memory care when necessary. He does have memory issues; however, per the aging department since he can still drive, shop, etc. he is not eligible for long term care as he is still considered able. I am struggling with putting her in to AL and leaving him there. They insist they want to remain together. His daughter and I have been working together to see what services they can qualify for. I believe he is reaching his point where it is becoming frustrating for him to be her caretaker. He is a stubborn and proud man and does not give in easily. I believe mom would receive the best care if we move her; however, he would be essentially left alone. His daughter lives 1.5+hrs from us. It is not an option for both to move in with me. If we were to move her to AL I highly believe they would put her in memory care. I don't know that she would be able to stay in a room by herself without someone with her. She fears being left alone. When I do offer to go over and sit with her he refuses to go anywhere on his own and refuses for me to take her for a few hours to visit her sister to give him some space. I would rather not have to be in panic mode if something should happen to him. I think his controlling behavior is a result of her being so dependent on him that he worries that something will happen to her when he is not with her. I am open to any advice. Thank you in advance.
Unfortunately , in most situations like this , you do end up dealing with it in panic mode when an emergency happens.
i live in a different state and tried to get daily updates on her functioning. I’m sure it was a progressive decline, but to me, it felt like a quick one. The next thing i knew, she was urgently needing round the clock care. It has been very stressful with quickly getting her into memory care. In the meantime, i’ve had to pay the caregivers to go in 24/7, which has caused me to go broke. She gets some money from her social security and my dad’s retirement, but it’s not much. But i believe it’s too much to qualify for Medicaid (but i am looking into it).
But i did want you to know that the memory care facilities (and AL for that matter) that i looked into had double rooms for spouses that weren’t that much more. So it may be an option for both of them to move together. I’m not sure if that helps.
I know how stressful and scary a time it is for you now. So my heart goes out to you. It may help to speak with different facilities and her medical provider for suggestions. Most of them do assessments prior admission so that they can give you a better idea of what they would recommend. You do not have to do this alone. Wishing you and your family the best.
You say you would rather not end up in an emergency situation. Truth is you may not have the power to prevent that. Neither he nor she want to leave one another and their home. This may be a situation where you cannot do what you believe is best. And more and more I question what IS the best. Are a few more months/years, removed from all she knows and loves, having lost everything in her best interests? For the sake of safety. I just am no longer sure myself. You have all the knowledge and are weighing it all, and I see that. Not everything has a good answer. I suspect this doesn't. You are right, absolutely. You WILL get the call. Either one or the other of them will be down and you will be faced with having to make the decision. I am so sorry.
He's burning out, so what good is an elderly, burnt out caregiver for your Mom?
Once she's out, he may get worse once the change in routine, loneliness and lack of purpose sets in.
It's a shame he can't afford to go with her... but there is no perfect solution here.
Does he still drive? If she moves out, will he be able to go visit her? Will he be able to afford to live on only 1 SS income, and split the pension?
He seems like he's showing early signs of dementia as well... it is a tough decision. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart while sorting it out.