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My mother has Alzheimer's and is currently living in her apartment with her spouse of over 30 yrs - (not my dad). She cannot drive, shop for groceries, cook, set up her own medication, etc. She is mobile with a walker, can feed herself, take care of bathing and bathroom needs, and can choose appropriate clothing. They have absolutely no assets what so ever and only survive on Social Security and a small $300 monthly pension. We are in the process of getting her approved for Medicaid and Aging Long Term Health Care which would include AL and memory care when necessary. He does have memory issues; however, per the aging department since he can still drive, shop, etc. he is not eligible for long term care as he is still considered able. I am struggling with putting her in to AL and leaving him there. They insist they want to remain together. His daughter and I have been working together to see what services they can qualify for. I believe he is reaching his point where it is becoming frustrating for him to be her caretaker. He is a stubborn and proud man and does not give in easily. I believe mom would receive the best care if we move her; however, he would be essentially left alone. His daughter lives 1.5+hrs from us. It is not an option for both to move in with me. If we were to move her to AL I highly believe they would put her in memory care. I don't know that she would be able to stay in a room by herself without someone with her. She fears being left alone. When I do offer to go over and sit with her he refuses to go anywhere on his own and refuses for me to take her for a few hours to visit her sister to give him some space. I would rather not have to be in panic mode if something should happen to him. I think his controlling behavior is a result of her being so dependent on him that he worries that something will happen to her when he is not with her. I am open to any advice. Thank you in advance.

I vote for moving Mom. Sounds like this man is in over his head now , burned out . His controlling behavior could also be a sign of dementia. Moving Mom would eventually force a change for her husband as well. Without her there it will most likely bring out his decline to where it is more noticeable . Right now he’s acting like he’s better than he is when you visit. Also sounds like he should not be driving .
Unfortunately , in most situations like this , you do end up dealing with it in panic mode when an emergency happens.
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Kristinef Sep 27, 2025
Hi there, yes totally understood. We have received some updated information in the last few days that could change spouses eligibility. Yes, I believe he would decline if she were to be moved. Thank you so much for your response. Have a great day!
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That’s a tough one… my mom was at your mom’s stage with being able to dress, bathe, etc, but couldn’t do the other activities of daily living. She was living in a facility, but it was independent living. So we had a caregiver come in for a little while during the day.
i live in a different state and tried to get daily updates on her functioning. I’m sure it was a progressive decline, but to me, it felt like a quick one. The next thing i knew, she was urgently needing round the clock care. It has been very stressful with quickly getting her into memory care. In the meantime, i’ve had to pay the caregivers to go in 24/7, which has caused me to go broke. She gets some money from her social security and my dad’s retirement, but it’s not much. But i believe it’s too much to qualify for Medicaid (but i am looking into it).

But i did want you to know that the memory care facilities (and AL for that matter) that i looked into had double rooms for spouses that weren’t that much more. So it may be an option for both of them to move together. I’m not sure if that helps.

I know how stressful and scary a time it is for you now. So my heart goes out to you. It may help to speak with different facilities and her medical provider for suggestions. Most of them do assessments prior admission so that they can give you a better idea of what they would recommend. You do not have to do this alone. Wishing you and your family the best.
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Kristinef Sep 27, 2025
HI There, thank you so much. I'm so sorry that has happened to you and your mom. I totally understand. Living out of state had to be a nightmare. Kudos to you for doing the best that you could with what you had to work with. Yes, they could stay in the same room together, it's just that they have no funds to pay for his portion should she qualify. And neither could go if not approved. Have a great day!
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Kris....Are you the POA here? If you are not, and he is, you may not have the power to move her.

You say you would rather not end up in an emergency situation. Truth is you may not have the power to prevent that. Neither he nor she want to leave one another and their home. This may be a situation where you cannot do what you believe is best. And more and more I question what IS the best. Are a few more months/years, removed from all she knows and loves, having lost everything in her best interests? For the sake of safety. I just am no longer sure myself. You have all the knowledge and are weighing it all, and I see that. Not everything has a good answer. I suspect this doesn't. You are right, absolutely. You WILL get the call. Either one or the other of them will be down and you will be faced with having to make the decision. I am so sorry.
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Kristinef Sep 27, 2025
Hi there, yes I am financial and health care. Yes, I am considering all of everything you have said. My heart says - she should stay. I am praying to God for the answer. In the last couple of days, we have received some updated information which may change spouses eligibility. Thank you so much for caring. Have a great day!
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If you sense he is burning out, I would think that yes, she should be moved.

He's burning out, so what good is an elderly, burnt out caregiver for your Mom?

Once she's out, he may get worse once the change in routine, loneliness and lack of purpose sets in.

It's a shame he can't afford to go with her... but there is no perfect solution here.

Does he still drive? If she moves out, will he be able to go visit her? Will he be able to afford to live on only 1 SS income, and split the pension?

He seems like he's showing early signs of dementia as well... it is a tough decision. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart while sorting it out.
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Kristinef Sep 26, 2025
HI, thank you for your response. Your words do bring clarity. I believe he will get worse if she is not with him. He does drive but I fear he would get lost either going there or coming home. It's about a 15-20 minute ride through city traffic. Also, thank you for your kind words. I am praying that we will be shown the way that will benefit both of them.
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When my mom was in a very small assisted living facility there was a couple there. He needed considerable help and she did not. She provided the help a lot of the time, but she also enjoyed being out in the common room to visit and participate in events, such as exercise, music, reading, and art.When I knew them, he could not participate. Aides helped him with showering and such. It seemed to work well for them. I believe they had been there for 10 years. He died and she went on enjoying life, but eventually fell, broke her hip, and died less than a year after he did. It might be good to try to convince your stepdad to go to assisted living with her. With his help she may not need memory care, but if she eventually does, he could still visit her easily if the facility has both assisted and memory care. I know of another couple where he was in memory care and she was in assisted living from the beginning of their care in a facility. She visited him for a few hours every day, but had her own things to do otherwise. They also died the same year. I sort of thought about that as perhaps the healthier one really needed to still do some care giving and without it they didn't last long, but I may have read it wrong. I hope you get some clarity on your mom and stepdad. It's really hard to get people to change what they are used to, but perhaps just keep bringing it up, visit an assisted living facility that you've decide would be good for them and point out how it's not working really well right now. Who knows, they might agree.
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Kristinef Sep 26, 2025
Hi there, yes we have been chatting for a few months now about assisted living. I think he would go it's just without the additional assistance since they have no assets it will be impossible for him to afford to go. Yes the facility we are looking at does have assisted living and memory care. Thank you so much for your response.
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That is a very tough one and I don't have any advice but I compliment you on caring about him as well as your mom, and working cooperatively with your stepsister to look for solutions for both of them together. I hope you will be able to find a solution.
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Kristinef Sep 25, 2025
Thank you!
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