My father has been in a nursing home for 4 years now. He has two kinds of dementia. Some days are good and some are really bad. There isn't much in between. I went to visit him the other day, and all he wanted to talk about is going home. I told him that I had to talk to the doctor. He yelled at me and told me he doesn't have a doctor and hasn't seen one since he has been there. So he said again he wants to go home. I asked him where home is. He said that he didn't know but it is wherever my mom is living. I said she is in heaven and he swore at me. Then he asked when that happened. I told him 4 years ago. He said that is impossible because he talked to her this morning. I told him that he probably did. He swore at me again and I told him that if he is not nice I am going home. That didn't last more than 2 minutes. So I ended up leaving. I know it is the disease and not him talking, but I don't believe I need to take that abuse. I am running out of ideas what to say to him when he asks to go home. Some things I tried, "You are safe here", "Maybe another day",
" you are well cared for here", ...but nothing seems to calm him down anymore. Any suggestions?
When the visits begin to go bad leave at once. If that is in the first 5 minutes so be it. Just say "I wanted to say hello Dad; I will be back soon". And get on with your life.
I am so sorry you are daily having to live with knowing your Dad is trapped in his dementia and so dreadfully unhappy. This has to be so hard for you. But the awful truth is that not everything can be fixed.
She's not in a NH, she's in her own apt, attached to brother's home. So, in theory, I could visit her every single day. But due to the memory and behavior slips, I choose to go when I feel like I can handle her.
She's still pretty adapted to time and such, but she is hard to talk to for more than about 10 minutes. I trigger her anger like nobody else can.
I went to wash her windows for Mother's Day. (she sits most of the day at her kitchen table and watches the neighbors from there--so the windows should be clean, IMHO) I showed up and started working, and when I went inside to do the inside part, she said "Why are you doing this again already? You barely just did them!" I was so taken aback. It had been 5 years since I washed them and YB said no one had cleaned them since then. It was a real AHA moment for me. She didn't WANT me there and I felt it.
Haven't seen her since then--except for a drive by 90th birthday 'party' and I did not talk to her.
That's been well over 2 months. My birthday has come and gone and she didn't acknowledge that, although YB got a card and a call---so sometimes we just have to realize that we're NOT that important to our parents. It's a lesson I have to keep on learning.
As her mental state deteriorates, I am the one sib she cares for least, and I know it, so I respect that and only visit occasionally.
If your dad doesn't recognize you, needs to be reminded every visit that his wife is gone, that you are his daughter, etc., I'd cut myself some slack and not visit more than once a week. It's stressful for both of you.
Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself during this pandemic. My PCP said he is shoveling out tranquilizers like candy since people are so stressed and anxious.
If you get worn out and depressed over this, then who is there to really help dad with the things he may need.
If his anger is out of control, you may need to ask for a simple eval to see if a mild sedative would help calm him down.
This past week, I've been learning a new dance with my 97 yo mom, called Jerusalema but she is so frail, that's pretty limited. Is there something, anything, that works with your Dad? It's important to explore new neural pathways and every time he wants to go home, it's an immediate challenge. Count fingers and toes, do hand games and clapping rhythms, A sailor went to sea sea sea. What was his profession? Bring a textbook to see what's new with his prior interests.
Bring fresh mint and lavender for him to hold and crush and smell. Citrus peels smell great. Read a book out loud to him, a book that he would have been familiar with, anything from great literature to nursery rhymes, just hearing you read would be helpful. Next visit, bring a list of things to do--don't hold back. Worth a try.
Do not think logic. Think what will calm him down moment-to-moment.
GI've him a foot or back massage, I know my 96 ye old Dad enjoys tgat when I visit him.
Play some of his favorite music.
Tall about the good old days.
Never bring up his wife being dead as he just has to relive the thought and he won't remember the next minute anyway.
If he brings it up, just talk about a good memory with him and your mom.
Put yourself in his shoes. I'm sure it's pretty boring, scary and depressing to be in a place by yourself with strangers.
I would also have a camera installed in his room.
About the doctor's appointments. Where my husband was, a "family" doctor visited once a month, but once every week he would also visit--I think only so many people in one visit, prescribed what was necessary, like when my husband fell, made sure he got physical therapy and checked my husband over to see if all was okay. I saw these reports, but not every week, only when I asked for them. I was told they all do that, nursing homes. I wanted to know because my husband saw his primary before AL every 3 months as he was diabetic and experienced mini-strokes. He was seen by the NH doctor regularly. Check into that. I hope this has helped you understand white lies are OK. They are forgotten, maybe not, as in my case, his demand was every day at 3:00 pm, like clock-work!
On the other hand forgetting is part of the dementia. And the fear of losing control of one's life. It's OK to say what will calm him down, even if it's a lie. Tell him you will come in a few days to help him pack and ask what he wants to take with him. He will forget this by the time you leave. So even if you have to have the same discussion each visit at least he might be satisfied for a short time.
Mom is in SNC now and when she complains about being shut up I just tell her the president ordered it and she can blame him! Seems to work.
Before he even starts the conversation, see if you can get him out of his room - perhaps a trip outside to sit awhile. If you can take him out of facility, go to lunch. My great nephew and I have 'parking lot picnics' where we do a drive through for food and sit in the parking lot to eat and talk. Maybe try that to avoid getting in/out of a car or exposure to covid by going into a restaurant.
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