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Who are you caring for?
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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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You are your mom's "safe person" She knows you, she trusts you. I have a couple suggestions that will help both of you. 1. Hire a caregiver, actually you might be able to call it a "companion". this person will help mom out and be there when she needs something. Mom will begin to trust the caregiver and rely on them. When I hired caregivers it was like a new lease on life!
Before the home caregivers there was:
2. If there is an Adult Day Program in the area get mom involved with that. Typically they come in the morning and pick the participant up bring them to the program and they will get a breakfast, snack, lunch and a variety of activities. the one my Husband was involved in would pick him up before 9 and he would get brought back home by about 4. I can't begin to tell you what a difference those 3 days a week did for me. I could actually get things done.
In the meantime. If you have to do something that will take you out of the area where she is give her a task to do to keep her occupied. Sort socks, fold towels, cut "recipes" out of a magazine. A coloring book, might also keep her busy. Or give her a snack. Some Iced Tea and a bowl of berries, some cut up fruit will keep her busy.
You just have to harden your heart a little and not respond, I know that's easier said than done but it's better than allowing yourself to get frustrated or angry. One thing that help me (for a little while at least) was a two way baby monitor that allowed me to speak to my mom from wherever I was, that way she got reassurance and I didn't have to trot to her side every few minutes.
They all seem to go through thus stage you have to be firm I will be busy so dont call me until xx because I can’t answer You don’t establish boundaries and you’re heading fur burnout
Hi RosieKay and welcome to the forum. Sounds like she is exhibiting some "shadowing" behaviors. There are others here who have experienced this, and they can give you some insights and advice.
Clearly, you need some kind of help although without telling us some specifics of the situation, you leave us guessing ???
I've presume that she had dementia, might be physically disabled, too.
I would venture a guess that "yes, mother will continue to call for you" and that won't stop.
When does it stop? When you make some (needed) decisions about the dynamics of the living situation.
In other words, it is up to you.
Consider:
Does she need to move out, memory care, AI ? Or are you living you her house and you need to move out? How long has this behavior / pattern been going on? Do you need caregiver help to manage your mom's needs? Are you able to set boundaries with your mother or are you unassertive? Do you understand what dementia is / means - and that she may not be able to control or change what she is doing (due to brain changes).
Clearly, you want this situation to change so you can 'do things around the house' and I'll bet outside of the house, too. In other words, have a life of your own ... or more than you do now.
You might be at the point of being exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed.
So much depends on the housing situation, finances, health status of your mother, and how you feel about yourself and the relationship / responsibilities you have with your mom.
We do not know any of this so it is all guessing on my part.
Perhaps edit your question and give us much more information so we can support you.
The simple answer is that even though you feel you have to be there all the time - you don’t. I don’t know if you are new to caregiving, but regardless, IMO, trying to “be there” for every whim is a free ticket to burnout and resentment. If you can afford a home health aide for a few hours a day or week - do that. If you do, make sure you do not hover around since that defeats the purpose. Use that time for whatever YOU need/want to do. If you can’t afford that, then make a plan to carve out a certain amount of time where unless her hair is on fire, you don’t respond. Tell her ahead of time if that works, but if she still calls, learn to respect your own time and needs and ignore it. (You can peek in and make sure she is safe - or use a nanny cam.). Good luck.
Your mom is shadowing you in much the same way a little dog will when you are there together all the time. She is only comfortable when you are in sight. Look up "shadowing and dementia". This is exceptionally common.
I think keeping her busy is good but it doesn't fill the need of a companion. Have you tried a doll or a stuffed animal that she can hold on to for a secure feeling? Something she can dress or comb the hair and hug! Maybe even one of those "pillow people"? It's hard feel alone when you are holding/ hugging something. Rock-a-bye baby with a dolly as she's not getting older but younger mind wise.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She knows you, she trusts you.
I have a couple suggestions that will help both of you.
1. Hire a caregiver, actually you might be able to call it a "companion". this person will help mom out and be there when she needs something. Mom will begin to trust the caregiver and rely on them.
When I hired caregivers it was like a new lease on life!
Before the home caregivers there was:
2. If there is an Adult Day Program in the area get mom involved with that. Typically they come in the morning and pick the participant up bring them to the program and they will get a breakfast, snack, lunch and a variety of activities. the one my Husband was involved in would pick him up before 9 and he would get brought back home by about 4. I can't begin to tell you what a difference those 3 days a week did for me. I could actually get things done.
In the meantime.
If you have to do something that will take you out of the area where she is give her a task to do to keep her occupied. Sort socks, fold towels, cut "recipes" out of a magazine. A coloring book, might also keep her busy.
Or give her a snack. Some Iced Tea and a bowl of berries, some cut up fruit will keep her busy.
you have to be firm
I will be busy so dont call me until xx because I can’t answer
You don’t establish boundaries and you’re heading fur burnout
I've presume that she had dementia, might be physically disabled, too.
I would venture a guess that "yes, mother will continue to call for you" and that won't stop.
When does it stop? When you make some (needed) decisions about the dynamics of the living situation.
In other words, it is up to you.
Consider:
Does she need to move out, memory care, AI ?
Or are you living you her house and you need to move out?
How long has this behavior / pattern been going on?
Do you need caregiver help to manage your mom's needs?
Are you able to set boundaries with your mother or are you unassertive?
Do you understand what dementia is / means - and that she may not be able to control or change what she is doing (due to brain changes).
Clearly, you want this situation to change so you can 'do things around the house' and I'll bet outside of the house, too. In other words, have a life of your own ... or more than you do now.
You might be at the point of being exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed.
So much depends on the housing situation, finances, health status of your mother, and how you feel about yourself and the relationship / responsibilities you have with your mom.
We do not know any of this so it is all guessing on my part.
Perhaps edit your question and give us much more information so we can support you.
Gena / Touch Matters
This kind of behavior has no real solution except ignoring it.
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