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About my Aunt,
She's 88 yrs old.Her desire is to stay living in her own home alone.Her personal hygiene is bad.She uses news papers to urine & poop on like a dog.Uses coffee cans as her tolet can.Her house just smells of urine.She's able to get around using her walker around the house.From what I've seen I feel she is just lazy to go to the bathroom.She can make it to her car outside but,can't seem to make it to her bathroom,humm.Yes she's just lazy.Sounds harsh to say but,I know because,I see it.She has depends but,doesn't ware them.
She has a visiting nurce that comes once a week to take her blood preasure and check her meds.What I find strange is,this nurce doesn't say a word about my Aunt's living conditions or the urine smells in the house.It's bad!..My guess is the nurce enjoys the smell.Seems my Aunt's doctor and visiting nurce is just waiting for me to say the word incompatent.I feel if it was up to them my Aunt will never be told incompatent.I feel if a person can't control/prevent from pooping & unrine on their self.That is incompatent.This goes on everyday.I change her bed sheets everyday.And everyday she dirties them.She dirties her cloths everyday.I wash them everyday.This is becoming a lost cause.I can't keep up with this anymore.She's not my Mother!.if this was my Mother things would be different.I lost my Mother yrs ago..This a Aunt!...She has knowone else but,me to help her.It's not my fault she decided yrs ago not to have children.My Aunt appointed me her DPOA about 3 months ago.I regret taking on this job.I'm not only her DPOA I'm also,her caregiver.At the start I thought how hard could it be taking care of a old lady.O-Boy was I wrong!..
I never realized until now how much money this is costing me out of my own pocket.Just in gas cost to go see her is costing me over $100 per month not including my time that I don't get paid for.My Aunt doesn't offer me a dime for all I do for her.And by rights I shouldn't have to ask for money.You would think she would offer some money out of kindness.Or give a Thank you.But,she don't!..She was always known to be a rich,rude lady thur-out the yrs.She burned her bridges yrs ago with her other family members.Is why she has knowone else but,me to help her.But,from her ungratefulness she's burning her bridges with me now.Other people that meet her.Automaticaly think ah what a sweet old lady.Ya right! only if they knew the truth.After 24 hours they will see the truth.People ask why do i help her?Why?because,if I don't who will that's why!..There's many family members that don't help her and it doesn't bother them not to help her because,they all hate her.My heart is only so big anymore.
I'm not a hateful type of person.I never hated my Aunt.But,after being her caregiver and learning her hatefulness.I'm starting to hate going to see her anymore.Do I hate her? In a way I'm starting to.I'm soon to be a grandfather soon.I would rather spend my time with my family then dealing with a hateful lady.I find It's strange that there's people out their taking care of their loveones and getting paid to do so or reinbursement.But,some how I can't be paid because,I'm her DPOA.This means I must be her caregiver for free.That's wrong!.I found that the only reason people take care of their parents when thay get old is because,of a Will or estate is involved "Money".If no Will or no Money nurcing home they go!.The only reason people become a POA is to get control of money.Sad it is knowing the truth.Sorry for the venting!
Anyway,I'm thinking about giving up helping my Aunt.I just can't keep doing this anymore.She never thanks me for what I do.She only thinks of her self.She wants everything for free.She used her Will as a hook for me to help her.As many old people uses Wills to obtain free help from family members.Truth be told,she don't have much money.She has her house but,if a nurcing home gets involved bye bye to that.
She refuses to go into a nurcing home.What can I do?From what I'm told she is still legally compatent at 88 yrs old.I don't want gaurdenship!
How do I put her into a nurcing home if unwilling?
She refuses to pay a dime for my services I do for her. I saved her tons of money by keeping her out of a nurcing home.If it was me in her shoes?I would be giving money away for all the help and giving money to someone to help keep me out of a nurcing home.I guess she would rather pay a stranger then me.
Any advice please?

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It sounds to me like whether she's competent or not is debatable, but she is clearly unable to care for herself and that is a case for adult protective services. I would call APS immediately, report to them that she's unable to care for herself and is non compliant with your efforts to help her. And I would also report the home health agency because they are mandated reporters and if they see conditions like this they are legally required to report them. I think they should be held accountable for not doing that. Best of luck to you and bless you for all you've done to try to help your aunt.
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Thank you very much for your advise.I'm worried about doing what you say about contacting adult protective services because,I don't want to get in trouble for her living conditions.I am her DPOA and I am the feller taking care of her.I do the best I know how to do with caring for her needs.My Aunt refuses to spend a dime of her savings to help her self.She uses coffee cans as a bed pan because,she's too cheap to buy a bed pan.I talked to her many times about buying things she needs to live home alone.She refuses to spend a dime of her money.In turn accuses me of attempting to spend her money.I don't have the money to spend.She saved all that money for her so called retirement.Well,it's time to spend that money is what I told her if she wants to live at home alone.Requires her to spend money to live at home.Things/items need to be bought to solve the many problems and again she refuses.By her refusing to spend a time makes me look like a bad cargiver.
It's sad to say but,I think I'm done.I attempted to keep her out of a nurcing home.I saved her tons of money by not hiring a real caregiver.I'm done attempting to help save her money.If I was in her shoes I would give someone money to help me.She thinks that I should be helping her for free.She isn't my Mother.If this was my Mother I wouldn't have to ask for reinbursement.My Mother is rolling in her grave as we speak for me helping this lady.That's how hateful this lady was all her life.Everyone hated this lady even my own mother hated her.
Look how hateful I'm talking?I can't believe how much hate this lady caused.If your around this old lady you feel hate.Like I said before,I never hated this old lady until I started helping her.Learning her ways of thinking I found all her hate and now it's draining towards me.I don't want the hate anymore.I called her just a minute ago to check on her and she wants me to do her grocery shopping.I don't have the gas to do that.If it was my Mother I would walk to her.But,she's not my Mother.
Other people feel sorry for her.I'm sure you do as we speak.What you don't know.
If I stop helping her.100% she will be in a nurcing home.I hold the key.I'm the person that's preventing this nurcing home idea.If I put her in a nurcing home?My problems are solved.I'm glad I had kids.I love my kids and I know for a fact my kids will be their for me when my time comes.I feel sorry for people that decide not to have kids.Lonely life they all will have when old comes.Something to think about.Yes I will call adult protective services about this.As soon as I give this more thought and cover my butt first!
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As her power of attorney, you have given her the guidance she needs, you've given her the suggestions she needs to safely remain in her home. She has chosen not to comply and the reason for that is something Adult Protective Services can ascertain. I don't see why you would get in trouble because reporting it to them is the right thing to do. They will intervene and if they decide that she is in fact unable to care for herself, then they will place her in a nursing home and it will be out of your hands. You will be done and she will be safe and you can go on with your life. If I were in your shoes, even though I may be a little scared they might get me in trouble, I would still call them because it's the right thing to do. But I really don't see why you would because you've done everything in your power to improve her living conditions and you're not a mandated reporter, but the home health agency is. I still say call Adult Protective Services. That is the obvious next step and that's what you need to do. She is not safe in that environment and it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens to her if you don't do the right thing now. Just pick up the phone and call them. You will never regret doing the right thing.
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Dogabone, this is about the fourth time you've posted the very same thing and gotten the same answers. If you're so miserable, you need to take some action. What's stopping you? Why do you just keep re-posting the same "vent" over and over again? You're getting the same answers each time. Listen to what we're saying and take some action!
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Dogabone, I empathize with your situation and I know that you need to vent and just aren't sure about "taking the leap" to take action. I get that. It's a tough position to be in. You are smart, and strong, and you have feelings for her, nonetheless. The advice you have been given is good. It doesn't mean you're deserting her. It means you're looking out for her, really, (and you!)... and she will come to understand that when she realizes you will still be in her life. It's just hard to call and "tell on her" so I understand where you are coming from. If you want to just vent about it you can always message me. Hugs.
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As her power of attorney, you have given her the guidance she needs, you've given her the suggestions she needs to safely remain in her home. She has chosen not to comply and the reason for that is something Adult Protective Services can ascertain. I don't see why you would get in trouble because reporting it to them is the right thing to do. They will intervene and if they decide that she is in fact unable to care for herself, then they will place her in a nursing home and it will be out of your hands. You will be done and she will be safe and you can go on with your life. If I were in your shoes, even though I may be a little scared they might get me in trouble, I would still call them because it's the right thing to do. But I really don't see why you would because you've done everything in your power to improve her living conditions and you're not a mandated reporter, but the home health agency is. I still say call Adult Protective Services. That is the obvious next step and that's what you need to do. She is not safe in that environment and it's only a matter of time before something really bad happens to her if you don't do the right thing now. Just pick up the phone and call them. You will never regret doing the right thing.
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Thanks for all the advice and for hearing all my past venting.To answer Blannie's question.It's venting Blannie that all it is.I may have posted some what of the same issues here in the past.Dealing with a elderly lady is not always the same issues.We learn more and more as we go.As some of the past issues I ran into I solved those.There's some issues with my Aunt that I can't solve.No matter how hard I try they just can't be solved other then giving up on her.Giving up on my Aunt isn't a easy task as some may think.I have alot of time wrapped into this.But,not just my time is the factor.It's who the finger points towards and that would be me.If I just stop helping my Aunt that's like throwing her to the dogs.I'm more worried about me.Sounds harsh to say but,it's the truth.Yrs ago I had a person tell me this,(Through life you must look out for number one."YOU".)
At that time I didn't realize what the person ment by telling me that.Because,for me it's my wife & kids that is number one as My wife & kids come before I.Until I grown to understand,It's me that's number one.Because,I'm Dad,Husband and provider.That statement means you must look out for your self.Because,you is all they got "Family".Placing my Aunt into a nurcing home without her approval isn't a easy task.And if I attempt?Would I be able to sleep at nite?Could I live with my self knowing I'm the feller that put her away?That's why I'm holding off on putting her into a nurcing home.Until I'm ready to do so.When I can say that I did everything I could to keep her out of a nurcing home then and only then I will be ready.Understanding that time is coming soon.Every nurcing home I went into has a key code lock on the doors.Once you walk in.You can't get back out with knowing the code.Your moreless putting someone in jail when placing them into a nurcing home is how I feel.If you ever was in jail in your life,then you would know what it feels like.Your freedom is gone once your in a nurcing home.Anyone can get into a nurcing home.It's getting out is the thought.lol.My Aunt has dementia and is very hatefull 99.9 % of the time to me.By right's I shouldn't help her.My Aunt causes me to hate her.If someone is in a bad mood causes the other a bad mood.
What stops my hate at times is I don't have dementia.I will say that the dementia isn't a excuse for her hatefullness.She was hateful before that.
She's angry because,she is lonely.Knowone comes to visit her.I wonder if she regrets not having children of her own?Because,this is why she's lonely.
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Adult protective services does need to get involved. And you really need to go to some support meetings. A social worker could also tell you what is available. You need counseling and an outlet where you can get your anger out before you just wear your ass out. You cannot continue like this. God bless you in difficult decisions coming your way. You have to know she needs more than what one person can mentally and physically handle. You have done more than most would even have attempted. You should not carry guilt. You tried.
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Cont-,
Taking care of a loveone doesn't come with a manual or a instruction hand book.Becoming a POA doesn't come with a instruction hand book either.
Who to talk to and what questions to ask is another task.I sure don't have people knocking on my door giving advice.
I spoke with Adult Protective Services about my Aunt a few times in the past.I reported my Aunt to Adult Protective Services before.Adult Protective Services don't find a problem with her.Adult Protective Services must enjoy the smell of urine.Adult Protective Services dosn't make many visits when you report someone to them.They only make that one visit and that's it.Adult Protective Services told me that my Aunt is compatent to live alone.Humm 88 yrs old barely can walk with a walker,has dementia and poops & urines on news papers like a dog and they say she's compatent?If my Aunt is compatent?I rather not see what incompatent looks like!...
Here's what is strange,
I reported her living conditions to Adult Protective Services,Police dept,and to my Aunt's attorney that gave me this DPOA.Seems to me none of these people cares.
The attorney told me sounds like i need guardenship.Humm I said.So,this DPOA is worthless now ha?The attorney just wants more money is all.
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Thank you cindyinfrogmore...You hit it right on the nose.I need a rest from my Aunt.
I don't need a shrink to talk to lol.I'm not that far gone yet.Once in a while I try to stay away from her for a few days but,something always comes up to where I need to go help her with something.With her dementia,she forgets I was even their.Everyday is like rewinding a tape.Everything I've done for her she done forgot.
Her memory is very bad.She calls be by another name.She doesn't even know my name.My wife told the Aunt my name and asked her who is that?My Aunt replied that's my bank manager at the bank.lol now I'm a bank manager now o-boy is this a mess.My Aunt was never told by a doctor that she is incompatent.When I first took her to her doctor to give him my DPOA paperwork.The first thing I asked the doctor was,is she on meds for dementia?He told me no.I was told by her attorney that as long as she isn't taking meds for dementia that means she is compatent.Get this,last week her visiting nurce came over to see her while I was their.The nurce was looking over her pills making sure she was taking all she was supose to.The nurce found one pill bottle that was empty.I asked the nurce what is this med for?The nurce said for dementia.So,the doctor lied to me.Strange why I wonder.
Thanks for your advice!
Best,
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Dogabone, there are so many personal benefits for you aunt in a nursing home that you may not realize. My parents both ended up in different nursing homes many years ago. My mother had a stroke that paralyzed her, she went to rehab, then the hospital nursing home, she was mad at me for about a year, I felt so guilty that I could not take care of her, I couldn't even sit her up in bed, her body was like jello. When I would walk down the long hall to her room I could hear so much laughing and carrying on between my mother and her healthcare aide, then when I went in she was all complaining to me about this that and everything. I thought oh well I guess as long as she is having some good times with other people, I could take her guff. Then there was my father who I soon realized wasn't quite right, then came the journey of dementia, I tried to help for many years , after wandering off lost for 12 hours, it was time for a care home. Once he settled I realized how scared he had been alone in his own apartment,even though he had some caregivers that came by, the fear just melted away since everywhere he turned there was someone ready to help him. I felt guilty for putting him in there, I couldn't keep him safe at all, I was so said and then his health improved so much, eating better, clean, medications given properly. I felt bad that I had not put him in sooner his quality of life had improved so much. No one wants to live the way your aunt does. Could she be regressing to her childhood ways of toileting, It is so very hard to know what the reasons are for their odd actions sometimes. They lose their sense of disgust and hygiene gets very funky after that. It is so hard to make the decision to put a person in a care home, it hurts, but listen to that gut instinct of yours, you know already what is right.
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Well one can only vent so much before it reaches a point of being unproductive and even counterproductive. If you are needing to vent that much, I think you need to go to a support group.
You already know what needs to be done. Several here have given you advice and there is a common denominator: call Adult Protective Services. If you've called in the past, call again. And again. Go there in person. Do what you have to do to get results. Time to stop with the excuses. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this isn't about you, it's about the safety of your Aunt. If you aren't able to put her needs first then you definitely need to step aside and let others be in charge of her care.
Time to sh** or get off the pot, as it were. Just my two cents.
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You have a hateful relative using newspapers, coffee cans, and bed sheets as a toilet. It is time for a nursing home. As Dorinda wrote, you need to visit Adult Protective Services in person. Make a written list of what your aunt is doing and take it with you so that you don't forget details -- or back down -- while speaking to them. Stay in their face, as many visits as it takes. Remember, it is the squeaking wheel that gets the grease.
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