I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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You need a break. Get some respite care through your center on aging.

then find help. To come in on a regular basis.

find a friend to pray with.
do something fun. Non caregiver with you mom.
try and remember when she has been your help in the past

some places have temporary stays
so you. Can go tell her it would be v very helpful to you for her to n stay for aweek end or week. While you take a class or go visit friends or relatives. Ir go on a cruise ect.
paint the house. Whatever
knowing you have w break really helps. Her knowing its temporary helps too
praying

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I know exactly what you are going through. My 92 year old mother has been living with us for 16 years. My Dad did with her for 5. Although she has her own In Law apartment downstairs she is upstairs with us all day long. My husband is 70, has cancer and a bad heart so he is home all day with her. I had to start working part-time because of the doctor appointments she calls and makes on her own. I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! My mother said she will not go anywhere and if I take her to assisted living or a nursing home she will stop eating and die. My mother has always been cruel to me with her words but my Dad needed help and he lasted 5 years here with us. Mom lies to her doctors, doesn’t take her medications correctly, doesn’t eat very much, doesn’t use her walker, is incontinent and hides it, and has fallen several times. I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything. Please do what is best for you. I am now trying to get elder Care to come in a few days a week which she has agreed to do but said she will kick them out if she wants to. Prayers for you

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If your health is failing, maybe consider moving to AL with her?
You could be in your own apartments, but at the same facility.

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Assisted living can be a very expensive living option. Also, AL does not offer medical care, only help with" medication reminders". You will get meals, laundry service and housekeeping. This can cost from $3,000 /monthly to many more thousands monthly. If you need monitoring for bath safety, there usually is an extra charge. I have worked for 3 different AL facilities in my state(Massachusetts) Sure there are some differences in various states as to cost and services. However,AL not covered by Medicare or Medicaid.

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We are in this process. Last week I just barely started the “either you go or I go” conversation. We have visited 2 assisted livings. One nice thing is I have found a free senior advisor - he is setting up these tours and is coming over next week to explain costs and planning. Then we will figure out the next steps. He has been great running interference between me and my parents, always looking for the positives, as I have no more patience. I hope to change this living arrangement in the next few months.

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Complete and deepest sympathy for you, Bobbi. My mum will be 98 in Oct and (although I know things can happen very suddenly) remains healthy despite osteoporosis, frailty, hearing and memory loss. She lived with me and my patient hubby for 19 long years after my dad passed away. Although she is sweet and generous, she has a very dark, needy side that made life horribly stressful all the time she lived here. Her behaviour and neediness were getting worse and worse, despite her protestations that she will 'just sit quietly in a corner' - sorry, mum, life doesn't work like that!! About 4 months ago we made the very difficult decision to move her to the care home where she's stayed before for respite. We all talked it over, and I gave her a letter gently explaining everything (because her short-term memory lasts about three minutes) and she, too, agreed, it was for the best. She seems to be settling in there now, but of course we both got upset and cried - it's a heartbreaking thing to do. I miss her, even though she was driving me nuts. Visiting is fine, but leaving is always difficult because she can't understand why I'm not staying!

The other problem, of course, is the expense (we're in the UK). She has reasonable savings, and so does my hub because he's worked hard all his life. But the fees gobble them up so fast. All I'm saying is that it's a tough, tough decision. But it was the right one to make, because I couldn't cope with her care any longer, physically or mentally. (Hub and I have a blessedly peaceful life now!) I had the same fears as you - losing the last of my own 'golden' years. A beloved friend of mine died in January. We were the same age, 64. I can't describe how heart-broken I was and still am. Seems so unfair she's gone when my mum (and yours) drags on forever!

This is such a hard time in our lives. I'm sending you all my hugs and warm wishes. We need to make the best of every good moment we've got left - no more guilt! xxxxx

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You sound like a wonderful, loving daughter. Work on not feeling guilty because you have done so much for your mother already. You also deserve to enjoy life. Your mum is safe, and her own happiness is up to her. Best of wishes for all the years ahead with your husband.

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I moved my mom in with me when she was 91 and she passed 1 1/2 years later. I was already in a dilemma as to how to do anything that involved my being away from the house for more than 2 hours without hiring a mommy sitter at $25ph. Even to go to a movie and then I'd be so nervous and checking my phone. Its a lot of responsibility. I lost all perspective as my mom had advanced dementia and we had not had a great relationship to begin with.
Seems like living apart you get to be a daughter again - and you get back the mother that you are going to enjoy remembering when she does pass. I wouldn't worry about her not "getting it". My mom was in such a dependent state - I don't think she was operating with a lot of options. Even if your mom is still very functional and seems to think clearly there is a lot of fear at such an advanced age. Who knows - she may take the idea in stride. Most important I hope you will start right away - maybe start looking around for placements that might work for both of you i.e. location, reputation. The next chapter needs to revolve around your needs- and there will still be plenty to manage for her!
But you will have your own space and get back that perspective that a caretaker can lose.

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You wrote a reply to another poster and I quote you here "plus how do i just desert her at 100. it would be cruel. if she can’t figure it out, i’m not going to push her. i’ll just hire someone and go away for a few days. or maybe send her for respite care for a few days."

Even though you asked us for advice and the vast majority said please move her due to your health situation, you obviously based on your statement I quoted won’t do that. I think you should examine why you think it would be cruel to move her and why you expect someone her age to figure it out? My response is "what the hell?" She will not figure it out so then that means you are basically stuck based on your desire for HER to figure it out. You have done 11 years of caring, had cancer and could die before her and then what? Do you think she will figure it out then? Doubt it. Your mom obviously has long life in her genetics and could go another 3 years! So are you prepared for that?
It is ok to resent that she has lived this long because for Pete's sake, you're no spring chicken, had cancer and are tired and would like to have a bit of life not anchored by 24/7 caregiving. I get that. But realize she is ok with where she is…you are the one who will have to make the change. But first that takes backbone, solid reasoning with the head and not heart, and boundaries.

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you are so right. i have no back bone. yes. everyone seems to think it’s time to move her out. i just wish it were easier for me. that i had a sibling to talk to. and to talk to her. but i don’t know what to do. maybe we could see a therapist together so we could get someone objective to
help us make a decision. but i doubt she’d do that. she thinks there is nothing wrong.

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How about telling her that you have a bucket list of things you want to do which involves travelling and you would like to move her to assisted living so she is not alone ans is well cared for. She is your mom. She will understand. Just tell her with love that you have so many things you want to do but want to make sure she is cared for. assisted living would be best. Somewhere close so you can visit often and be a daughter when you visit and not a 24/7 caregiver. I promise your resentment will level with go down and love will go up. Sending you hugs.

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she won’t understand. that’s the entire problem.

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I was the sole caregiver for my mom until she passed in 2017.She had a stroke in 2015 that left her with leftside impairment.She required an outdoor lift and wheelchair.She used a quad can with assistance in my home.Total assistance with ADL

I then became the sole caregiver for my dad in 2019 after a fall. He too had a stroke in 2015 which left him with left sided impairment, but he could use a cane.He wasn't incontinent but needs total assistance with bathing,dressing,cutting his food.

A recent fall broke his hip which required a partial hip replacement.

Unfortunately,Even prior falls didn't deter my dad from adhering to advice from his PCP and family to ask for help and not get up without assistance.

My dad is rehabbing at a SNF.Sadly,When he fell the hip he broke was on his impaired side.

He can't walk at all currently, and at 86 the likelihood of him getting back to his baseline.Is probably not in the cards.

I am in the process of finding an appropriate facility upon discharge ,because he needs more care than I can provide.

I am glad that he'll receive such care ,and relieved that my role of caregiver shall change.

No matter what I will continue to be actively involved in my dad's care.
Advocate on his behalf as I did for my mom.

I look forward to a sense of normalcy again.

Good luck to you and your mom.

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I would just let her know in a gentle way that due to your new health concerns (she doesn't need to know what they are) that you can no longer care for her in your house. And that you will visit her as often as you can, but it is no longer feasible for you to care for her properly. Check out some places before hand/get all info you need, see an elder attorney or local aging place for help in the transition/monies required/medicaid etc. Then once things are set in place and the selected NH approves, let her know when she is moving "due to your health concerns"........and then take her there. Tell her you will visit, but now you have to deal with the new health issues. (again she really doesn't need to know even IF not true)........if you continue with the way you are, especially since having cancer once............what happens IF you pass before her....then what? This will be good for both of you (even though some on here might not agree). I wish you luck. (my mothers brother was 102 when he passed from pneumonia but had a niece living with him, but up until then he did fine).

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You must give yourself a good hug and pat on the back. If it wasn't for your care and letting her live with you, she would have not been as happy, felt loved and deffiently wouldn't still be alive.
Mothers or Mother's and always will be.
You really need to let her live out her time at your home and hire a Caregiver to watch her and plan outings with your grand daughter so ya'll can do things just the two of you sometimes but your mom needs time with her great grand daughter too. Not too many children can even meet their Great Grandmother.
Care Facilities are all understaffed and accidents happen and Seniors are kept too medicated. Not a fun or safe place to live unless there is No other Options as it is better than living by yourself if you are an invalid.
Hire Caregiver help and you will both benefit.

You need time for yourself and Mom could do with time away from you too.

Prayers

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I must respectfully disagree with your blanket comment about care facilities. My Mom is in an excellent assisted living/memory care facility that provides many things I could not. Nutritious meals, concerts, outings, physical therapy, 24 hour nursing care, exercise and educational classes. I am an only child and would have had insufficient support without them. I did try in home care at first, but coordinating that once she required 24 hour care was a real nightmare. Multiple people on multiple shifts caused real concern regarding whether her medications were being administered properly, and I was a nervous wreck about it all the time. Also in home care providers are not always vetted to the degree mom’s facility screens people. I have a friend who has a lot more family support than I do in caring for her mom at home, plus in home nursing care, and she is running into the same issues with consistency and scheduling. My mom was near death when she went into assisted living. She has been there two years now and is doing quite well. Is it perfect? No. I don’t think any solution is. I would never argue the merits of whatever decision a person makes. And it’s true there are some bad care facilities. But if you can find the right one they can be a godsend.

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Oh my! You must be feeling so torn!

Did she have a plan in mind if you were to tell her you "did not want her," or has she just counted on your not being willing to say that?

Of course, you don't want to tell her you "don't want her." Focus on "needing" her to move to her own apartment b/c you are getting older and less able to take good care of both her and yourself.

Tell her you love her and help her choose an appropriate AL apartment.

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Sunnydaze has it right. I know you must feel guilty putting her out. You're feeling, I got this far, how can I do it now? But everyone has a breaking point. Your Mom seems very "with it" - a tribute to your good care and her good genes.
You don't mention finances, POA, Healthcare Proxy, Will/Trust, etc. so first and foremost - get your ducks in a row and make sure all is in order. Next, start broaching the subject that you are getting older too, and not feeling strong enough to continue giving her the care she needs, and now it's time to start looking for a new place for her. You can sugarcoat it by saying you're also considering downsizing to a smaller place that is more manageable for you to live alone.
If this is all too radical for you, then hire someone to give you respite for a couple of hours each day or week. You NEED this time to renew and recover and you will be surprised at how this help will give you the strength to keep your Mom at home. Inquire for help at your local church, neighbors, senior centers, everyone you know! It's time to take action - empower yourself and give yourself the time and freedom you crave. You can do it! We care so please let us know your progress!

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I have a narcissistic mother,and figured out what I need. Then I went from there. It took me 2+++ years to see although I am a full-time mom, and caregiver, it's no good with my Mom.

I hope you can find your best answers, not the 'obligation' some say.

We are called to love our parents,and for some of us,that's better done from a distance.

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I just learned that a person can qualify for hospice through medicare even if not in their death bed. It will give you some respite. (Our 100 year old aunt is living with us. Her pcp just sent in a referral to a place that does both hospice and/or palliative for an evaluation.

Hope this helps.

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I feel your pain.. however, first you must give yourself permission to take care of you. Think of it like flying on a plane.. put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your loved one. You have given your mother the gift of 10+ years of living with you when she could have been in senior/assisted living this entire time. Many senior living communities tout themselves as a cruise ship that's docked.. she may make new friends and enjoy the activities more than you realize. Often times, they find a new more fulfilling life waiting for them they didn't know was even possible. You will be able to enjoy your mother far more when you are not exhausted & frustrated. Check your guilt & see the advantages to relocating your mother into a new living situation.

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I am told after 2 years burn out is experienced.

I can tell by her saying, You have to tell her when you don’t want her there anymore she is not interested in how you are managing. That speaks to a certain personality type, it’s important that you address these things early so you don’t explode then end up apologizing when you were in the right.

With a happy heart say hey Mom, I’ve checked out these places, here’s what we’re going to do! :)

Youve accomplished nothing by keeping both of you together in a miserable state.

Im in a similar situation, my mother isn’t 100 but she just has unrealistic expectations and def on the narcissist spectrum, there will be nothing left of me when she’s gone if I do nothing. She has no problem sacrificing me.

Sometimes we just have to take charge for the survival of all, they can turn back into unruly kids.

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I think I would try to put her in assisted living if the work is getting too much for you.

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Poor you. Who asked you to take her in at 90 years old without true love in your heart and watching her along the years gone by? What you should have done you did not do and that is placed her in a appropriate facility at 90. Unless you are benefiting from benefits she has coming in...place her in a facility...NOW!

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How do you know she has no love in her heart for her mother? How do you know what she did and did not feel when she took her mother in? "Poor you" - seriously? Her mother's sole caregiver for so many years, cancer on top of that, relationship issues with her mother - you have no idea about this person of her life or her relationship with her mother. I've been my mother's only caregiver for 7.5 years and totally relate to what this woman posted. I'm doing this completely on my own, I am exhausted and think every day about how I'm growing older in this situation, in this house, battling with my mother almost every day as I try for the 8th time in a year to get her approved for financial assistance so I can have her placed. With crap responses like this it's no wonder people are hesitant to open up about what hell it can be caring for an elderly and/or sick parent. I learned as a child thag if all your words are going to do is hurt someone then do not speak them. Common courtesy.

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" I don't want her here anymore. "

I know those must have been really hard words for you to say, especially to others. And I understand.

My mom moved in with me 4 years ago, she is 96, I am 67. The first couple of years we butt heads a lot, but after her heart attack / stroke 2 years ago and having bad reactions to medications for a few months, she came back to base line.

She has had increasingly faster short term memory loss over the last year. And as far as making decisions, she hasn't been able to do that for a very long time. It is very stressful for her especially as her thinking process is very poor.

I liken it to a spider web.... that as time goes on, the different weblines are broken.... I can "see" this and realize that because they don't connect, she can't think properly. She can not reason things out, so she is incapable of making decisions.

We have reached a point where we get along pretty well probably 98% of the time, so most days things are much easier. BUT, I still would like to have some life outside of caregiving. To go out anywhere for a movie or anything, paid caregivers ( $20-30/hr in this area ) require a minimum 3 or 4 hour time block, which equates to a minimum of $60, not counting the cost of the movie, so in my mind, I wouldn't have fun knowing how much it costs.

Awhile back, I came to a decision that I will take it a day at a time, and if / when something happens to mom where she has to be hospitalized, that at that point, I will see about having her move to ALF. As long as I stay healthy, this has been my way of coping. But tomorrow, that could change. Words of her doctor a couple of years ago keep replaying in my head.... " She could live another 15 years. "

I wish you the best of luck with your decision, Bobbi. For people who have the kind of heart you have, there is no easy way. When you are ready, just be strong, don't doubt yourself, and know that it will be the best for you and your mother.

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Your story sounds very similar to mine. We moved Mom in, I was running myself ragged, literally! Lost way too much weight for me. Then Mom fell & broke her hip. Memory, decision making, anything having to do w/numbers, etc became so much worse for Mom. So when it was time to leave Acute Rehab Care, I found a Board & Care home (not a huge memory care) w/5 other ‘residents’ I told my Mom that it was ‘transition care’ before she could come home. Now she does not want to leave. I am thankful that she is safe & well cared for. I visit 4-5 x’s /week. My dear hubby & I are not at odds like we were when Mom was here. I 🙏🏻 that I did the right thing, even if it was a ‘fib’ about ‘transiton care’ That’s a term I simply made up.

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I am so sorry for your extremely difficult situation. I cannot imagine. However, I have a similar situation with my mom. The good thing is she doesn’t live with me, but with my brother.

Mom is on hospice care, 90, frail, many falls, very high functioning yet very spunky which causes problems. My brother works long hours (he is 70): 5 am to 5:30 pm and often Saturdays. He thinks mom is okay at home by herself during these long hours. I go over 2-3 times a week, cook, clean, etc. I am POA and have taken care of most of her care, doc appts, etc. have been on me …. Solving problems like her not receiving the last government stimulus check are mine. All the “hard” decisions and work gathering information is mine to deal with. I am 65, my husband is retired yet we cannot fully enjoy our time.

I have decided mom needs aides. It will cost a small fortune. I will continue to go over three times per week, but something has to change. Someone has to make a decision.
I am exhausted. I don’t care what my brother thinks any more and I don’t care about the money.

*****My point to you is: You must take care of yourself and do what is right for you. I urge you to do this and enjoy the time you have.*****

Best wishes and prayers,
Nancy

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Glad your Mother didnt resent your screwing up her life while she fed you, changed your diapers and lost sleep while you cried all night.

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This is an unfair response to Bobbi. Please be kind.

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Your mother asked for honesty. In my humble opinion you should have an honest conversation. Talk to her about how you are feeling. For me, when I keep it all in I get frustrated and impatient, even angry.

I'm going through a hard time with my father a well. I held my feelings back and it hurt me. Now I am honest about all of my feelings. There is some hurt and pain we both feel but in the end we are happier with each other. I still can't get him to see his doctor, but he knows how I honestly feel about it.

I wish you the best of luck and good that you are able to find some peace.

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Yes, caregiving can be so suffocating even if we love our care recipient. You have done a great job and your duty! It is time to have a conversation with your Mom about moving. You have given 10 years of you life to her, to care for her. You have your own heath to consider and your body has already given you a warning with your cancer. Until one has done day to day caregiving, it is easy for others to not understand the underlying stress that comes with caregiving. There is a reason caregivers often die before the care recipient. It is stressful even in the best scenario.
Please talk to your Mom and look into assistive living for her. You deserve to live you life also.

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Same situation here. Mom is 100 and physically doing very well. I finally had to sit down with her and tell her "I just can't take care of you anymore. I want to do some traveling while I still can and the day-to-day is too much for me". She laid every guilt trip on me within her arsenal (you are kicking me out) but I was so at the end of my rope, I ignored it. I took her to visit multiple types of care facilities, some "not so nice" so when we got to one of the ones I actually wanted her to go to, she picked it herself. She's been there almost a month now and I must say I am shocked at how well she has adjusted. The key for Mom was finding a place where the caregivers are very loving and shower her with hugs. I am still "recovering" from the years of caregiving. I had no idea the toll it took on me. Mom seems happy and I love having my life back. I encourage you to do the same.

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Good for you… trully.. I refused to go down this road..

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I moved my Mom to another state with me due to frequent falls, dementia worsening at age 89. Mom & I were never close & as she aged she seemed to despise me even more. I don’t know what I was thinking bringing her here, thinking I was doing the right thing & everything would be ok. She was here 2 years, made life miserable. My husband was at his limit, marriage was suffering. I finally told her she couldn’t live her any longer & I took her with us as we visited different long term care facilities & added her to waiting lists to some. She’s nearly 92, she had her usual nastiness for years but now that she rarely speaks, is in her own little world most of the time, it’s sad. I’m glad though she’s there. I think at the time Mom knew she couldn’t stay with me either. I visit her 2-3 times a week, always take her a treat, do her nails, her hair & were close for the first time in my 72 years.
Dont feel guilty for your feelings, you have to do what’s best for both of you. I don’t know your age but at mine, I couldn’t do the minute by minute like the care she gets now.
Prayers that you’ll get support for your decisions.

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Wow, you have given so much! I care for 97 year old Mom, 2/3 mini strokes. She lives with my brother who is dying, and still smokes! I have to care for both now, and I can't stand my brother. He's mean to mom, he's a cheap cheap person with a lot of money. I've been caring for Mom since she had seizures @ 80 years old, and now had to sleep there, tiny hot condo for months. I'm sick and tired of being the slave, cleaning ( my house is a mess!) feeding her, washing her, dressing her, make the bed every half hour it seems. I've lost like 15 lbs, haven't been eating well, and now have acute Bronchitis, and no time to rest. I'm getting to resent her, but it's not her fault, NOR IS IT MY FAULT. I worked 45 years, and this is my retirement. Thought I would travel, see the world bulls@it. I feel like she's killing me. I'm sick of taking care of them, and no one cares for me.... CRAP life

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Bless your heart. I understand this. I also lost 15 pounds and developed 2 bouts of bronchitis! Prayers, hugs and hope to you!🌺

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Hi Bobbi,
Being the solitary caregiver is an extremely demanding position to be in. I am an only child so I partly understand what you are going through. The difference is that at this time my mother is still living in her own home with my stepfather. I am my mother's legal guardian as she has Alzheimers. She is 90 and her husband is 94. He has no children. I am there every day as she does not know who people are as her Alzheimers is progressing but physically she is healthy. She is able to go for walks and is amazingly mobile considering the circumstance. This has led to issues where she will leave the house and her husband can't catch up with her as he uses a walker. She can also be very agitated at times and can become combative. I have had to hire caretakers as they need someone there 24/7. All that being said, I know the day will come when one of them will pass and the other will not be able to live there on their own even with other caregivers. I am in my late 60's with Psoriatic Arthritis as well as other auto-immune issues. I have come to the decision that when the time comes, the one remaining will have to go to either memory care (my mother) or assisted living (my stepfather). I am not able to mentally or physically take on in-home care. You have a right to live your life and enjoy your family on your terms. I believe you may find that your relationship with your mother will improve when your time spent with her is focused on your relationship as her daughter and not as her caregiver. And she may enjoy time spent with her peers. I wish you all the best and strongly encourage you to take care of yourself, which is important not only for you but for your family members who love you, such as your granddaughter. Take care and best of luck.

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Hello Bobbi. I admire and respect the care you have given your mother. I visit folks in assisted living who have children but none willing to visit them. I know others who have cared for both parents for years. The fact that you have cared for your mother in your home for this long says much about your level of compassion and empathy.
I was a caregiver for 6 years to someone who was not exactly Mother of the Year. It seemed like I had only two emotions those six years --resentment and guilt. But I kept her in her home and looked after her as no other siblings were willing to. After 6 years, my mother passed. Despite never having a close relationship with her and having a traumatic childhood , I have grieved her passing fiercely. I have felt how deep and wide grief is. I have no regrets for a moment of care I gave her and if I had to do it again, I would have done more.
So whatever you decide to do, you will never regret the good you have already done. I will pray for you and your mother today.

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She is right, you have to tell her when you dont want her there. I understand why you would not want to do that, but thats what it comes down to.

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I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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