I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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My mom is 100. I invited her to move in with me when she was 90 and my dad passed away. She had vision problems and had fallen several times. I figured it would be for a few years and I could handle that. Well it’s been 11 years now and at 101 it could be several more. I had cancer while she was here, and really don’t know how much time I have left. I resent her longevity and worry I will never get to enjoy my not so golden age. I try to hint that she should consider assisted living, but she says I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore, which of course I can’t do. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t stand the looks she gives me when she doesn’t approve of something I do. I resent her budding in when my granddaughter is over. I can’t make her understand boundaries, physical and mental. I know no one can really give me any advice but if I don’t tell someone how I feel I’m going to scream. btw, I am alone taking care of her. No living sibling. All my responsibility. It’s too much and she can’t seem to get it.

Burnout Family Caregiver Relationships

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Bless you. I have no good advise, but I do feel for you.

Hang in there.

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At this point, the environment is toxic for you and your mother and it needs to change.

The anger and resentment you are harboring is literally harming your health.
Also, by directing the anger at her, you are avoiding taking the steps you need to change your life.

Please find a counselor who can help you work thru your feelings toward your mom, and also the cancer that threatens you.
Work with the counselor on how to talk with your mom to find her a continuum of care facility that can provide a healthy environment for your mom.
Perhaps you can reach a healthy place where you can visit your mom to share meals and enjoy time together. Or not. But, please take the time you need to let go of this anger.

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Can you afford some outside help? Sounds like you really need a break. If your Mom can afford assisted living she should be able to pay for an in home caregiver to relieve you.If she has to go to assisted living for your health sake, dont feel guilty. You have done your best and more.

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Just because men had access to condoms didn’t mean they were willing to use them. Diaphragms require you to plan to have sex. I have four siblings. All but one of us was an unplanned pregnancy because when my father got the urge, he wouldn’t wait. Anyone who believes that women had freedom of choice after WW2 is mistaken. In that era, it was perfectly fine for a husband to repeatedly rape his wife if he wanted to and she had no recourse. The marital “contract” and sexual mores between wedded partners was entirely different than it is now. That’s not to say my mother didn’t like sex as much as my father. It was the resulting pregnancies from
not taking the time to use precautions she didn’t like.

Kids don’t ask to be born and old folks don’t ask to live on and on. It’s just what happens and both kids and parents have to live with whatever happens and act responsibly as kids come into the world and parents go out of it.

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seriously… my mom wanted children. she had no accidents. there were just two. i can’t speak for others.

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"...and this thing that they took care of you as a baby, well that’s just bs. they chose to bring you into the world. they were responsible for that baby. i don’t feel we owe them anything. other than to make sure someone is caring for them. there i got that off my chest."

Oh we have several on the forum who sing that sad song. They need to join up with those who INSIST the LO would be better off in their own home, with family and/or hired caregivers - they could sing rounds together.

I'm a bit late joining, so I haven't read all comments yet. Beware the user Riley2166 (has used at least 2 other names, ending in 2166 - same MO.) This one DEMANDS you move the person no matter what.

Anyway, AGREE totally that analogy is bogus. On top of the fact that generally we have kids because we want, we are also much younger, the kids are much smaller AND in general kids grow and become more independent.

We CAN honor them and see to it that they get appropriate care without providing the actual hands-on care ourselves.

If possible, do try the respite care and get some well-deserved, long overdue rest and hopefully some enjoyment too!

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Maybe no living siblings, but you have a child or two?? And a granddaughter. Ask for a little help from them so you can take a break.

If you can't tell her to move, then you should ask for help from any source available so you can get out a little.

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It will be up to you to make decisions (of course).

If you have difficulty due to guilt, you need to get emotional / psychological support to be strong enough to :
(1) make decisions which will benefit you both;
(2) with professional support, flush out the "resent her longevity..." part. If you make a decision(s) that will be in her best interest, and yours (which you need for your quality of life), you likely will ease the resentment feelings.
(3) It sounds like your mom might be / have a narcissist personality disorder (based on how you describe you - and how you react to her (wounded, beaten down).
(4) The time is NOW for you to place your mom somewhere YOU feel is good for her (she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore-you do). Expect she'll 'be vocal' about the move - and let her rant. She will settle in because she will have to.
(4a) So you can focus on the quality and enjoyment of your own life. You deserve to have moments - however many - as enjoyable and stress-free as possible. It is enough of a load for you to manage your own health care needs, both physical and emotional and every other way (spiritual, mental).
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. If not now, when?

Gena / Touch Matters (see below)

I've re-quoted (?) parts of this as it seems so important to really hear.
Sonny65 said: 'I like the way she put it: "I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore" That's a guilt trip and a half. She's given you All the responsibility but it's not all her fault. She has to have some mid-stage Dem going on since it seems that all throughout the last few years;

... everything has to involve or revolve around her.

... You have to weigh your health against her quality of life with you. If there's still basically a balance; then You must find a way to take a necessary & therapeutic vacation Away from Mom.

... Now if the case is that you've put yourself on "the back burner" because of guilt; it might be time to look into an ALF for Mom.

... Remember, you did this out of love for her, her health and well being. If it's now affecting Your health & well being; you'll end up worse than her;

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so today we were talking and i said something to my mom about being her caregiver. she replied you don’t take care me. i do things for myself. i said, that’s the point. you don’t realize what i do for you. i said.. can you buy your own groceries? can you go to the dr without me? can you go out to lunch without me? can you visit your sister without me? can you buy your own clothes? can you make your lunch? (at which she protested and i had to remind her last week she put spinach dip on her bagel thinking it was tuna) can you go in the yard with our me? can you wash your clothes? what do you think a caregiver is? just because you can go to the toilet yourself does not make you independent.
all i wanted was a thank you, but she can’t do that. i told her i just stop doing everything for you snd see how long before you acknowledge what i do.

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Dear Bobbi, it's a pity that you didn't 'tell her' then and there that you wanted her to move out. If the subject comes up again (and she may want to marshall her 'independence' claims again), use the opportunity to bring things to a head.

From this last post, you are obviously getting angry as well as stressed. It ALL gets worse from this, so please cut to the chase and do what she said -"tell her when I don’t want her here anymore". Remind her that it's what she requested, then move straight on to a friendly 'how are we going to do this?'.

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In retrospect, I'd say this:

"I love you, mom. I can't care for you anymore*. Let's work together to find a great facility you'll like."

*No need to elaborate; it's the simple, direct truth, and I'd think (I'd hope for myself) that at 100) details wouldn't further the cause.

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I feel your pain! I'm the middle child of 3 and the responsibility of my 99 yo Mom has been soley on me. I get alot of lip from siblings but no real help. Mom came to live with me when she was 97. When I see LO living past 100 I totally cringe. I know that sounds terrible but I'm so tired after caring for her for only 2 years. I can't imagine doing this for another 3-4 years. Mom lived her life and was free as a bird to do things and go places and have fun when she was my age and beyond. I tell people I've been on lockdown before anyone heard of lockdown. I'm on time constraints. On my shifts if I leave the house I need to be back rather soon to toilet her as she won't allow my husband to do that which I understand. I have someone come in 5 days a week (M-F) for 6 hours a day which I'm grateful for because I am still working a fulltime job but the evenings, nights and weekends are my shifts. I don't look forward to going home and weekends are a drag. I have no privacy, no social life. So I totally get how you feel suffocated and how your life is not your own. I never imagined my life would be what it is. I feel so trapped. Hugs to all the care-givers out there!!

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Love to all of 'us'. I 'did it' for 5+ years, mom's now 92. At the time I knew two single men in their late 40s/early 50swho were primary caretakers, living in their mom's homes, like me. Because it happened to benefit us financially [late divorces], our sisters always criticized and second-guessed us, and eventually cut me off emotionally from their comfortable lives. Classic 'shoot the messenger'. They have no idea.

I gave them 30 days notice (w/o expressed/vocalized recrimination, no anger), and drove 1,000 miles away. I'm 66 now and have 2 years of healing under my belt. Within a year, they'd arranged for 4 hours/6 days a week care and decided mom could do on her own in between, come what may. Huh.

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Don’t know what to tell you. Mom is 91, has dementia and I’m knocking on the door of 74. I’m fearful she might live to be 100. I’m resentful already because I basically have no other life although I get a few day off weekly. I’m responsible for two households, etc etc. God have mercy on us. I’m reverent of God but wonder why?? ❤️❤️

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Love and support.

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Bobbi48128, I feel your pain and frustration. I moved my mother in with my husband and me, and was told she probably had no more than 3-5 years, given the state of her (vascular) dementia. At that point, I was 45, had just been through breast cancer treatment, and was in a good place. My husband was also onboard with helping with the caregiving, and at one point was her primary caregiver. It was agreed that when her care became too much for me to handle, we would place her in a facility. I am the youngest of six, and despite everyone agreeing to pitch in with her care, it came down to my older sister, my husband, and me. Fast forward 12 years, and here I am, the primary caregiver for my mom who is 93 and has advanced vascular dementia. Alone. My husband passed from cancer 3 years ago, and my sister's husband fell and broke his hip, so she is his caregiver now. As for our siblings? Nothing. No offers for help for either my sister or me, even as I struggled to care for both my mom and my husband. I sold my mother's house (after first offering to let my brother have first refusal, since he was staying there, but he basically wanted me--as POA--to GIVE it to him). So he was asked to leave, and I sold my mom's house last year. I've put that money in an account for her expenses and hired a caregiver who comes in 5 days a week for about 6 hours a day. Before that I was going through major bouts of depression, had suicidal thoughts, lost my job, nearly lost my house, had no retirement or savings as that all went to pay for my husband's medical expenses. So here I am, nearly 60, wondering what the future holds. The caregiver has been a Godsend, but I still have my mom to care for in the evenings and at night. I'm exhausted. Mom has started having really weak spells and seizures, and I know I've reached my limit. Sadly I've begun looking at facilities, and hope to find one by the first of the year. It's not an easy decision. We've done our best, and it's time to give ourselves a break. Maybe it's best that you take your mom with you to visit a few facilities and maybe arrange for a "respite" visit (a one- or two-week stay for her) so she can better judge if it's a good "fit". Make it known that you're having some health issues, and tell her that you can no longer provide the care and attention she "deserves" (putting it in such a way that you're doing it for HER not for yourself), and you only want what's best for HER. Rarely do others concern themselves with your concerns or how it's affecting you; it's all about them, so throw the ball back in her court and make her a part of the process. Good luck and God bless. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

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thank you and so sorry for you as welll. i’ve felt you guilty thinking about her dying. but it’s so unfair to us. gll lol ad i’m not alone.

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I like the way she put it: "I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore" That's a guilt trip and a half. She's given you All the responsibility but it's not all her fault. She has to have some mid-stage Dem going on since it seems that all throughout the last few years; everything has to involve or revolve around her. It's not an easy choice to make but I can't say either/or since Mom is still here with me; against my Psychs advice. You have to weigh your health against her quality of life with you. If there's still basically a balance; then You must find a way to take a necessary & therapeutic vacation Away from Mom. Now if the case is that you've put yourself on "the back burner" because of guilt; it might be time to look into an ALF for Mom. Remember, you did this out of love for her, her health and well being. If it's now affecting Your health & well being; you'll end up worse than her; and then Your ability to make the right choice for her might be given to someone who will. I don't think either of you would want that. See if you can get her into an ALF temporarily; for a few weeks at least; so you can clear your head and make the best decision for Both of you.

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I applaud you for taking care of your mother for 10 years. Getting outside help is an answer. ’m not sure of her finances, but outside help is very expensive. Your life and happiness is important too. I’m struggling keeping both my parents in their home and often feel guilty because my mother hints around to them moving in with me. I thought at one point yes, but I really don’t want to. I’m over their homes everyday 6+ hours a day and feel like I don’t have a life anymore. If your mother is healthy and has the finances, then don’t feel guilty about placing her in an assisted living facility.

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Agree. Moving my dad into our home was okay for the first 20 days, but he smokes and has weird habits and a narcissistic, demanding personality, where it’s always about what he needs. He has no boundaries and is a highly critical bully. We took him home. We put cameras in and outside his home with his blessing, so we can check in on him and the house, while I am at home on breaks. We also put a smart lock on the door in case he has a stroke or heart attack, so that I can let EMT’s into his house from afar. I also have a smart smoke detector in his home, Having these smart devices has been a complete life saver for all of us. My dad has been able to stay in his home longer, and I don’t have to worry so much about what he is up to while I am gone. He is also happy to have the added security. I still spend the nights with him because his neighborhood is overrun by drug addicts now. Such a shame. It used to be a very nice neighborhood, but drug addicts who are high, are smashing people’s windows with rocks, doing meth right in people’s driveways and stealing everything in site. I am currently looking for a nursing home for my dad but COVID has me concerned. Having your parents live with you certainly cuts down on the back and forth between houses, but you will not have a place to go when you need a break from them. In-home care can cost $30 to $39 an hour so when your parents need 24 hour care, this will be more than placing them in an adult family home, which cost about $8,000 to $9,000 per month where I live. It’s a very expensive situation all around snd meant to take people’s estates. I just can’t do that, as my father has worked so hard to leave something for his grandkids. We are using cameras and trying to do the best we can until hospice is needed. In our case, it won’t be that much longer, as my father’s Alzheimer’s is progressing rapidly. My father was also abusive to us when we were young, so this adds a whole different layer to caring for him in our home. I need time away, as he is a trigger for me and an unhealthy example for my two daughters.

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I've just this morning been to a gentleman who was having his last call from our service before he goes to "open-ended respite care." His wife had packed his things ready, we got him changed and washed and dressed to go out (brief dispute between client and wife about cleaning his teeth - he was sure "the nurse" had helped him already this morning. She tried to explain that this had taken place last night, when I also happened to be on duty, but he wasn't having it. She gave in. Wise woman!).

I have to say, he was as happy as a sand-boy about the whole prospect. We joked about his staying in a luxury hotel (certainly costs about the same), but more seriously I reminded him that the place he's trying out will probably have a fully adapted bathroom with one of those hi-tech tubs that you can bathe almost literally *anybody* in, no matter how complex their physical disabilities.

He has not a qualm about it. I think it must be his wife who's been struggling under the weight of "admitting defeat."

Just a point to ponder: whose feelings are you afraid of?

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hugs!!
he was content: i wonder if that’s rare.

most stories i know, people hate leaving their homes.

hope you’re well countrymouse. hug!! :)

bundle :)

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You are in between a rock and a hard place. Your mum knows you well enough that you won't tell her when it is time so has left it in your hands and has brushed off having to get it. Since you can't do it (and believe me I understand) let's look at it from a different perspective.. your mum's well-being.
You are burnt out and have had a serious life-threatening illness, one that can return and one that likes stress. You are not happy in your role and it probably shows. This is not the best environment for your mum and would receive better care and more socializing in a care environment. Her relationship with you would also improve as you could visit and spend real quality time with her. And who is to say she won't be happier!! If Perhaps you could frame it from that angle that even though you love her, you are not fit to do it properly anymore... which is probably true.
You deserve a life, and happiness and also to have a relationship with your mum where you don't resent her. You are gambling with your health right now .

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it sounds easy but it’s not. i mentioned the other day i may sell my house, values are so high and move into an apartment. i said if i do, you’ll have to go into assisted living. you should have seen the look on her face. “well it won’t be around here. i want to go to …., where it’s really nice…. i said you can go where you want but don’t expect me to be driving an hour to come see you. my dad was a post man. she worked in a department store. what makes her think she belongs in a ritzy al. so out of touch.

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Your mother has given you the opportunity to tell her when you want her to go into assisted living. Why can't you help her find a place?

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she doesn’t want to go and will make it as difficult as she can. it’s not an opportunity. it’s a guilt trip.

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Im sorry, and I don't know how you have done it for 11 years. My dad has dementia and lived with me for the last 2, I'm a single mom with a now 10 year old child that he fights with daily. It takes a toll on you. I have three other siblings and he's still married to a witch who left him 4 years ago but refuses to divorce him because she wants to collect his ss benefits when he's gone. So I may not be an only child but I'm alone in this.knowone truly understands unless they have experienced caring for the elderly, I feel like a prisoner in my own home very often, I'm sure you do too. I won't go into all my s***, but believe me when I tell you, I understand! Do what's right for yourself, you have given 10 years of your life, have the talk, find a place where she might have eventual friends, a place with activities, and tell her you love her but it would be best for her to be in a place with people her age. I know there's going to be guilt, I myself will be doing this soon as well so I'm not telling you to do something I would never do. You only have 1 life, she had hers go live yours. Good luck!

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If she's very resistant to moving into assisted living, try to get a caregiver to come in a few days a week so you have some respite.

I'm sure you realize that it's not her fault she's lived so long, but try not to resent her---it will poison you. Remember she won't be around forever and try to treat her so that you have no regrets.

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you are so right. i don’t want to resent her. i don’t know how much time either of us have.,, but if she could just be thankful, that would be a start.

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You’re burned out and exhausted from doing this for 10+ years. My goodness you deserve a medal for doing this for so many years. You need to get your mom in an Assisting Living Facility. It’s your turn to self-care and enjoy life instead of caring for your mom. It is important you take care of yourself. It’s time for you to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom explain to her for health reasons it is best she is admitted into an assisting living facility. In the meantime, hire a caregiver to help with your mother until you can make all the arrangements to get her in a facility. Once you get her in an assisted living facility you can move on with your own life, go on vacations, and enjoy life.

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Wow - I think you're absolutely Amazing in how much you have helped your mom all these years! I'm new to this site and yours is the first post I've read. I understand your need to tell someone how you're feeling - I need to do the same. I live in NYC - was in the fashion industry my entire career - and in my early 50's decided to get a mini-facelift to feel more refreshed - it was a tough healing process that took almost a year...after a successful healing, I decided to visit my parents - long story short, my mother flew into a violent rage while I was there over a vase that was moved, and she shoved me into a corner and started beating and punching my face like a boxer, pulling my hair, etc. I couldn't get away and was in complete shock - it's caused me nerve damage and facial injuries...I'm still trying to get over it. To the outside world, people see her as a different person....she's had MRI and cognitive testing since then and the doctors said her brain is fine...so, I'm left realizing this is who she is....she has no remorse either. My intention in getting the face lift was to begin my next chapter in life in my 50's feeling energized to date and continue my career - and this changed it all and I see how life is so random and every day is precious. Which leads me to your post...in my humble opinion, it's time for you to think of Your needs and do what's best for you and your life, given everything you've mentioned - I think doing the research and finding a nice assisted living facility for your mom could be a "win-win" for both of you and I think it's all in the delivery in how you tell her about it after you find the right place.....it could be very exciting for her - she could meet new friends and many facilities are social, have activities, group dinners...and a staff that can tend to her needs. Instead of it being thought of as a negative in going to an AL facility, perhaps sharing it in a positive way that's beneficial to her maybe can make the difference ....I know plenty of my friends' parents living in such facilities and they're very happy there - I hope your mom will be too!
Take good care of yourself - you deserve it!

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oh wow! how terrible! what we all go thru! the major problem is my
mom can’t see. she can play games, do activities, even has difficulty getting food on her fork… her marbles are mostly there and i’m sure she worries she’ll be alone. since she can’t join in. she does have the gift of gab however. lol.

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Some of us understand, sorry for those of you that have not supported you in your honesty. I’m sorry you have had to endure this. I’d do assisted living or force her to hire a care giver so you might be able to have some rest. I knew of a person that died from a heart attack from the stress of caregiving and then the mom ended up in skilled nursing care anyway .

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You sound like you need a break, some time for yourself or even a vacation. Have you taken any time for yourself in the last 11 years? You need to have an honest conversation with your mother to let her know that it's getting to be too much for you to care for her. There are some options that might work for you and her short of having her move to assisted living. While you figure it out with your mother, can you get an aide to help with her, so that you can take some breaks? It might be a way to transition your mother to having an aide do most of the work of caring for her. Get connected with a social worker in your area and caregiving groups that can discuss options with you.

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Save yourself, you’ve already done this all on your own. Most people don’t live this long, when you took her in at 90 you assumed she had a few years left. Now that she’s 100 she probably doesn’t have another ten years however it’s possible she could live another 3-5 years which at this point isn’t bearable for you especially given the fact you’ve suffered cancer and she doesn’t respect you in your own home. You did more than your part given how she meddles and doesn’t respect you in your own home ( such as interfering w your granddaughter). Tell her you have two places for her to choose from ( I disagree with those who advised you taking her to multiple places to choose from, your already drained and you have to protect your health so get the names of a couple places that she can go to and let her know she will be moving in the next 1-2 months)

Do some nice things for yourself- pamper yourself, cup of tea, watch a favorite show and make yourself the focus for now, you’ve earned it. Do you have some support from any friends?

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Resent her longevity?? Did you really say that about your own mother? You will feel differently when she's gone from this Earth. My mom passed in April and it feels like I'm walking around with a missing arm or leg. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but I would give anything to hug my mom, hold her hand, kiss her cheek...how would you feel if your daughter said the same thing about you? Just something to think about...

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Shes her mother but she sounds like she’s been manipulative and interferes in her life and doesn’t respect her in her own home.
Don’t shame people on the forum for sharing their feelings- I give her credit for being strong enough to be real and share here. Her feelings are valid, others even people even here on the board have felt the same way at some point but wouldn’t admit to it. She’s been taking care of her for ten years on her own and has suffered from cancer. Offer support or skip to the next post

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You will never be able to "convince" her to see your point of view - she has it all and you at her beck and call. Do not discuss anything - just make sure you have the legal rights (see an eldercare attorney, get a power of attorney, etc.) and find a facility and then just tell her flat out that is is not personal but it is affecting you and your quality of life and you want a life while you still have a chance. At your age and condition, you need to take care of YOU first. She has lived her life. Don't let her impact you any longer. Look out for you starting now - she'll get over it and eventually adjust - so just do it. And do NOT feel guilty. It is fine to take on older people with problems but when they impact YOUR life, it is time to do something about it and place them somewhere.

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It might be worthwhile to have a few sessions of therapy to deal with your resentment and to find an acceptable way to tell your mom she needs another living situation.

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totally agree.

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Bobbi48128: Imho, this dynamic must be amended, else your OWN health suffers even more, e.g. perhaps it's time for facility living for your mother.

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Book her a one way ticket to Switzerland if you get my drift

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I am sorry to hear how resentful you seem to be. Please try to remain in love and find an assisted living home for your mother. You, I am sorry to say, have let this situation harm you both emotionally. Remember, you love your mother. Get her into a home and take care of yourself. Get a new hairdo, makeup, clothes and go out to lunch with a friend. God bless you.

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thank you.

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I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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