I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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I was the sole caregiver for my mom until she passed in 2017.She had a stroke in 2015 that left her with leftside impairment.She required an outdoor lift and wheelchair.She used a quad can with assistance in my home.Total assistance with ADL

I then became the sole caregiver for my dad in 2019 after a fall. He too had a stroke in 2015 which left him with left sided impairment, but he could use a cane.He wasn't incontinent but needs total assistance with bathing,dressing,cutting his food.

A recent fall broke his hip which required a partial hip replacement.

Unfortunately,Even prior falls didn't deter my dad from adhering to advice from his PCP and family to ask for help and not get up without assistance.

My dad is rehabbing at a SNF.Sadly,When he fell the hip he broke was on his impaired side.

He can't walk at all currently, and at 86 the likelihood of him getting back to his baseline.Is probably not in the cards.

I am in the process of finding an appropriate facility upon discharge ,because he needs more care than I can provide.

I am glad that he'll receive such care ,and relieved that my role of caregiver shall change.

No matter what I will continue to be actively involved in my dad's care.
Advocate on his behalf as I did for my mom.

I look forward to a sense of normalcy again.

Good luck to you and your mom.

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How about telling her that you have a bucket list of things you want to do which involves travelling and you would like to move her to assisted living so she is not alone ans is well cared for. She is your mom. She will understand. Just tell her with love that you have so many things you want to do but want to make sure she is cared for. assisted living would be best. Somewhere close so you can visit often and be a daughter when you visit and not a 24/7 caregiver. I promise your resentment will level with go down and love will go up. Sending you hugs.

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she won’t understand. that’s the entire problem.

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You wrote a reply to another poster and I quote you here "plus how do i just desert her at 100. it would be cruel. if she can’t figure it out, i’m not going to push her. i’ll just hire someone and go away for a few days. or maybe send her for respite care for a few days."

Even though you asked us for advice and the vast majority said please move her due to your health situation, you obviously based on your statement I quoted won’t do that. I think you should examine why you think it would be cruel to move her and why you expect someone her age to figure it out? My response is "what the hell?" She will not figure it out so then that means you are basically stuck based on your desire for HER to figure it out. You have done 11 years of caring, had cancer and could die before her and then what? Do you think she will figure it out then? Doubt it. Your mom obviously has long life in her genetics and could go another 3 years! So are you prepared for that?
It is ok to resent that she has lived this long because for Pete's sake, you're no spring chicken, had cancer and are tired and would like to have a bit of life not anchored by 24/7 caregiving. I get that. But realize she is ok with where she is…you are the one who will have to make the change. But first that takes backbone, solid reasoning with the head and not heart, and boundaries.

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you are so right. i have no back bone. yes. everyone seems to think it’s time to move her out. i just wish it were easier for me. that i had a sibling to talk to. and to talk to her. but i don’t know what to do. maybe we could see a therapist together so we could get someone objective to
help us make a decision. but i doubt she’d do that. she thinks there is nothing wrong.

(1)

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I moved my mom in with me when she was 91 and she passed 1 1/2 years later. I was already in a dilemma as to how to do anything that involved my being away from the house for more than 2 hours without hiring a mommy sitter at $25ph. Even to go to a movie and then I'd be so nervous and checking my phone. Its a lot of responsibility. I lost all perspective as my mom had advanced dementia and we had not had a great relationship to begin with.
Seems like living apart you get to be a daughter again - and you get back the mother that you are going to enjoy remembering when she does pass. I wouldn't worry about her not "getting it". My mom was in such a dependent state - I don't think she was operating with a lot of options. Even if your mom is still very functional and seems to think clearly there is a lot of fear at such an advanced age. Who knows - she may take the idea in stride. Most important I hope you will start right away - maybe start looking around for placements that might work for both of you i.e. location, reputation. The next chapter needs to revolve around your needs- and there will still be plenty to manage for her!
But you will have your own space and get back that perspective that a caretaker can lose.

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Complete and deepest sympathy for you, Bobbi. My mum will be 98 in Oct and (although I know things can happen very suddenly) remains healthy despite osteoporosis, frailty, hearing and memory loss. She lived with me and my patient hubby for 19 long years after my dad passed away. Although she is sweet and generous, she has a very dark, needy side that made life horribly stressful all the time she lived here. Her behaviour and neediness were getting worse and worse, despite her protestations that she will 'just sit quietly in a corner' - sorry, mum, life doesn't work like that!! About 4 months ago we made the very difficult decision to move her to the care home where she's stayed before for respite. We all talked it over, and I gave her a letter gently explaining everything (because her short-term memory lasts about three minutes) and she, too, agreed, it was for the best. She seems to be settling in there now, but of course we both got upset and cried - it's a heartbreaking thing to do. I miss her, even though she was driving me nuts. Visiting is fine, but leaving is always difficult because she can't understand why I'm not staying!

The other problem, of course, is the expense (we're in the UK). She has reasonable savings, and so does my hub because he's worked hard all his life. But the fees gobble them up so fast. All I'm saying is that it's a tough, tough decision. But it was the right one to make, because I couldn't cope with her care any longer, physically or mentally. (Hub and I have a blessedly peaceful life now!) I had the same fears as you - losing the last of my own 'golden' years. A beloved friend of mine died in January. We were the same age, 64. I can't describe how heart-broken I was and still am. Seems so unfair she's gone when my mum (and yours) drags on forever!

This is such a hard time in our lives. I'm sending you all my hugs and warm wishes. We need to make the best of every good moment we've got left - no more guilt! xxxxx

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You sound like a wonderful, loving daughter. Work on not feeling guilty because you have done so much for your mother already. You also deserve to enjoy life. Your mum is safe, and her own happiness is up to her. Best of wishes for all the years ahead with your husband.

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We are in this process. Last week I just barely started the “either you go or I go” conversation. We have visited 2 assisted livings. One nice thing is I have found a free senior advisor - he is setting up these tours and is coming over next week to explain costs and planning. Then we will figure out the next steps. He has been great running interference between me and my parents, always looking for the positives, as I have no more patience. I hope to change this living arrangement in the next few months.

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If your health is failing, maybe consider moving to AL with her?
You could be in your own apartments, but at the same facility.

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Assisted living can be a very expensive living option. Also, AL does not offer medical care, only help with" medication reminders". You will get meals, laundry service and housekeeping. This can cost from $3,000 /monthly to many more thousands monthly. If you need monitoring for bath safety, there usually is an extra charge. I have worked for 3 different AL facilities in my state(Massachusetts) Sure there are some differences in various states as to cost and services. However,AL not covered by Medicare or Medicaid.

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I know exactly what you are going through. My 92 year old mother has been living with us for 16 years. My Dad did with her for 5. Although she has her own In Law apartment downstairs she is upstairs with us all day long. My husband is 70, has cancer and a bad heart so he is home all day with her. I had to start working part-time because of the doctor appointments she calls and makes on her own. I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! My mother said she will not go anywhere and if I take her to assisted living or a nursing home she will stop eating and die. My mother has always been cruel to me with her words but my Dad needed help and he lasted 5 years here with us. Mom lies to her doctors, doesn’t take her medications correctly, doesn’t eat very much, doesn’t use her walker, is incontinent and hides it, and has fallen several times. I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything. Please do what is best for you. I am now trying to get elder Care to come in a few days a week which she has agreed to do but said she will kick them out if she wants to. Prayers for you

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You need a break. Get some respite care through your center on aging.

then find help. To come in on a regular basis.

find a friend to pray with.
do something fun. Non caregiver with you mom.
try and remember when she has been your help in the past

some places have temporary stays
so you. Can go tell her it would be v very helpful to you for her to n stay for aweek end or week. While you take a class or go visit friends or relatives. Ir go on a cruise ect.
paint the house. Whatever
knowing you have w break really helps. Her knowing its temporary helps too
praying

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My mother moved in over 3 years ago at 93 when she was afraid to stay alone. She is now 96. After the Covid vaccine in March, we both had bad reactions, so she had to go to ER, then NH. I got asthma and joint issues so I couldn't let her come back. As much trouble as it was with her here, the NH (2) have been a nightmare of falling. She has slammed on her forehead 6 times, sent in for brain scans and xrays every time. (6 in 6 weeks). Finally moved her to memory care and she has gone downhill. I enrolled hospice and physical therapy so there would be additional checks on her. My disgust with the hygiene situations in both places is beyond description. There is no good answer, but sometimes you just have to save your own health.

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Ever since COVID it seems that there is an agenda to depopulate and they are starting with the elderly. We are caring for my mom who is bedridden and has signs of dementia and it's emotionally and physically draining but, it's my Mom and I promised her she would never live her final days in a care facility especially now. I would hate to think that they are leaving your mom to fend for herself which is why the numerous falls and hygiene issues. They need to do better for her last days. It's sad that we strive to live a full long life and make it past 100 should be a blessing only to feel like your in the way and people just wanting you to go already how sad they must be.

(4)

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You’re not selfish at all. You’ve done over and beyond. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your mum to have the right care and caring for yourself (for the first time). Ask yourself, what happens if you become unwell and can’t be there for her? She will have to be placed somewhere, which is not of your choice. If you make the move, you get to choose a nice place for her and your will be secure in the knowledge that she is taken care of. Plus, and this is the good bit, you will get to be a daughter again and do mother-daughter things rather than carer and patient. Don’t miss out on your own grandchildren, you will regret that even more.
I wish you well, and hope you manage to sort something. Remember, sometimes things have to get worse to get better. My heart goes out to you. Look after yourself.

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As always, you've received wonderful advice and support here. One other idea, have a plan. Research the best places in your area, and take your mother to visit them. Help her make the best choice, and fill her new home with furniture and what she is familiar with. Tell your mother it's time for a change for both of you.
You've given up so much for your mother, it's clear that you're a selfless person who now needs to have time for yourself, to be a daughter, and to have peace about it.
Wishing you the best!

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Firstly I am very glad you have found somewhere where you can let things out and be open about how you feel. No one is going to criticise you for that here, and we all have situations we find difficult/impossible and want some space for ourselves.

Please excuse my assumption - but if your Mother is 101 then you are probably past retirement age - to expect you to care for your mother is not reasonable when you have your own health issues.

Telling our Loved ones - IF we still feel that way about them - is very difficult, in someways it is easier for those who care for someone they don't get on with. But your health is a matter your mother has to take on board, and if she cares for you then she should be happy or at least willing to do this.
But she is never going to choose to change what is comfortable for her - you need to tell her that you can no longer cope and that you have health problems of your own that worrying about her is making worse (Sometimes we even have to lie - but we need to look after ourselves, because if our health is compromised too much then we cannot look after them anyway.)

Be open with her and tell her you can no longer cope and need to concentrate on your own health, ask her what would be acceptable to her, and if nothing is then TELL her things have to change and you will make the decisions if she does not want to be involved. You are an amazing person to have looked after her as you have done now it is time to look after you and your younger family for whatever time you have left to enjoy them. You will still visit her if she goes into a facility and they have the skills to look after her, so that you can enjoy your visits - isn't it better to enjoy visits to your mother than to resent her more and more so that you memories of her will be negative when she does pass.

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This is an excellent answer and advice! Key statement is "But she is never going to choose to change what is comfortable for her ". So do NOT let guilt get the better of you.

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Ask the facility if you can bring her in for a visit at a time when there is card playing and invite her to play a round or two. This did the trick for my mother. She enjoyed it so much that she decided to move in.

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she can’t see. :-( can’t play card or do any crafts or games. that’s what makes it difficult.

(1)

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Hi. I hope its okay to respond. I think I can understand a little. Mother and daughter relationships are hard no matter what. Is it possible to have a home care worker or assistant to come take care of her some? Even a day a week might be a break. And they listen to strangers better sometimes. And a good worker could maybe talk her into assisted living.

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Oh yow. You resent your mother's longevity. I hope you will move her to a lovely place to live where you -- and she -- will be happier and her every living breath not resented. I hope you are able to live out your remaining years in peace and happiness. And perhaps have inherited your mother's good health genes.

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That is not a supportive statement. Let ka be empathetic here shall we?

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If she is 100, you must be 70 or older, am I right? You had Cancer an I assume got that under control. Assisted living is your only answer. Talk to her Doctor. Blame him/her. You need to start taking care of yourself. I live alone, 74 years and love it. Quit enabling her and get it done while you have a life left to live. She has outlived her life. Good luck!

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She needs to go to an assisted living facility. You don't ask her, you TELL her.

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She states her mother HAS requested her to TELL her when she can not longer care for her. It is the writer that is finding this difficult to do.

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Prayers.

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This may be a good situation to blame on the doctor. Probably it’s the same doctor as mother. See the doctor, explain how badly you feel, and that it’s more or less impossible for you to tell mother that she needs to go. Get the doctor to decide that mother needs more care than you are able to provide, and in addition that you have hypertension and are at risk of a heart attack or stroke. Or you need to go into hospital for a fortnight for observation, or anything else the doctor can come up with.

That makes it happen for mother without you being to blame. And remember, if it’s not all quite true now, it easily could be true only too soon.

Please do it! Unless mother is one of the lucky ones who passes in her sleep, this is only going to get worse.

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It has been 11 years and you just feeling resentment now? If you do not have much time left who is going to take care of your mother if you should pass? If you are looking to get the life you already lost, I am a little skeptical that is possible. You mentioned a grand daughter which indicates that there are family members around. Have you discussed your feelings with any of them? It’s sounds as if you need some respite time from your caregiver duties. Is this practical for both of you? You need to reach out to someone, anyone who can help you about this situation and your feelings. Please do it before you are sorry that you did not do it.

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i have two sons who live close by. they are a great help with me and her, but they just don’t understand. and don’t really want to get involved in any decisions bro them everything is fine. mom is raking care of grandma.

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And she is not going to understand!! You must get some help from someone! Is your granddaughter old enough to stay with her for a few hours while you get away? Can you afford respite care for her while you have a weekend off? Don't give up your friendships with others. With Covid going on don't over look Zoom groups, especially a caregivers group. Do you have someone who is a friend to both of you? Perhaps she would come over and visit her and you could escape for a few hours.

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call in rent a pillow!

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Budding in? She may be your granddaughter but she is her great granddaughter. Your mother has no control over where she lives, she has told you to let her know when you can't take care of her. With kindness and respect tell her that you are both too old for this arrangement. Contact a nursing home and talk to them about the issue. Sorry to be a little terse with you but she has feelings too and at 100 years old can not be expected to solve the situation herself.

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no. not terse. but i guess i just can’t desert her at 100. i know what i should do, but i can’t do it.

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Just do it! You don't need anyone's permission. What can she do except get angry, and that should not affect your decision. You already know what the answer is, so take steps to make a change.

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Stop hinting. You have the rare blessing of a mother who has actually invited you to be frank with her. You don't have to skew it towards brutality - tell her when you don't want her any more, indeed! - but you can be entirely straightforward. "This is not working for me, I am wearing out, here is the alternative I propose."

Have you got your alternative proposal figured out? Anything stopping you doing that?

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Totally agree

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I am currently going through a parallel situation, have been caring for mom for 9 years in my home. It’s been my honor as she is a saint, but it’s been stressful as well. Her health has taken a turn and she is in rehab (93 w/mobility issues), and we are seeking assisted living in anticipation of her increased needs. I said for many years that I would NEVER put my mom in a ‘nursing home’, but I can’t quit work, and between health care burnout (work nights in a hospital) and then coming home to more caregiving I’ve decided to be a little selfish. I’m excited that I will enjoy being her daughter again, and the ALF we found is 10 mins from both my brother and myself (and feels more like a resort than an ‘old folks home’). I hope to spend more quality time and will continue caring for her (will do her hair, take care of her toenails and come over for ice cream sundaes!😊). I was consumed by guilt when I first considered this, but common sense tells me I couldn’t keep on in the manner I was w/o compromising my own health. This has been such a great forum with people who ‘get it’, May we continue to support each other with advice and understanding.🙏🏼

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It is not selfish to get her the care she needs so you can go back to being more daughter than nurse and the both of you can enjoy whatever time she has left.

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You are not alone in this situation. My mother is 88 and I am 57. I assumed primary care for her roughly 11 years ago. She is driving me crazy. When I first started caring for her I went to a counselor because I just did not understand her at all.... I still don't but I have developed ways of dealing with her. Here's my suggestion. Sit down with her and tell her "Mom, I want what is best for both of us and I can no longer care for you in the way that you need or in the way you deserve. So I think you and I together should look for an assisted living center". It will be hard, but you can do it. I would also advise you to sit down and think about your mother's potential reactions to this. It could go a number of ways and you need to be ready to handle how she is going to react. I would also suggest that you visit a counselor or pastor before you do this. Straight up you need to be honest with her and yourself. A counselor once gave me a great advice tip...... Before anything difficult, write yourself a note and express your feelings about what you are feeling before the event and the feelings you want after the event. In your case. You might write something like "after I get my mother in a better living situation I will not longer feel judged by her" Take this note and hide it somewhere..... after the "dust settles" find the note again an reread it. It might help with how you handled the situation.

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From Jan 2013: "Since I promised my mother I would never put her in a nursing home or assisted living, I just have to put up with it."

From May 2013: "As for finances, I had to retire when my mother moved in. We rent out her home... Of that she gives my 350 a month, however, I use that to pay for cleaning the house (I now have 4 dogs, my 2 and her 2) and my cleaning lady is her renter! So essentially, she is living here for free. I struggle, because I don't get ss yet, and she sits with a huge bank account."

I would have removed my mother from my house if I got cancer. From your past posts, you have struggled having her live with you for years now. I see from one of your earliest posts that you are an only child.

You had to retire early to take care of her, and she is stingy with her money. You know she should be paying you a lot more than she does. Is she still legally mentally competent at age 101? Are you her POA/HCPOA? Does she have a will or trust? Are you the executrix (will) or successor trustee (trust)? Are you the sole beneficiary? Do you have an idea of the value of her estate/trust? I assume you are counting on it as your inheritance?

Are you going to hold yourself to the promise you made to her to never put her in a nursing home? I hope not!

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THIS!

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I just Re-read your post.

it is my greatest nightmare that my daughter might feel that way about me someday.

Didn’t she take care of you when you were small, when you were helpless and couldn’t walk or feed yourself?

There are some people who would give anything for a couple minutes to have their mom again, who don’t have their mom anymore.

... and then there are the other kind of people.

Isn’t it unfair the way that life can be?

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there are moms that did not deserve to be mom's
there are moms that from the many posts that I have read here make caring for them a living hell.
those are the ones that no one would want to care for.

then there are the mom's that are the type of mom that everyone would want. Those are the ones that make caring for easy and when they pass they leave a void that will never be filled.

people are like coins, each with two sides. You see one while the other is hidden so you can not judge either the caregiver or the care recipient unless you see both sides of both.

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I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

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