I feel like my alcoholic 80+ mother is ruining my life.
In October, my stepfather who has always taken care of my mother, passed away. He had cancer, but was in denial and we didn’t know how bad it was until he had already passed. He and my mother had been together for 34 years and he has always taken care of the finances and would not allow her access. They were not that happily married and fought a lot because my mother is very volatile. She has been an alcoholic my whole life. She left me when I was six years old and was gone for many of those years. She finally started showing up on a regular basis when I had my own son. For the past 18 years, she has come every year and has been a bigger part of my life than before. She has been living with me ever her husband passed and I have been a sole person to take care of everything. I did ever single thing to close out his life because he did no preparation whatsoever. I am the POA and handle all her affairs. We gave her a lot of understanding initially because she was grieving. It started ok and we opened our home to her no questions. Well it’s gotten so unbearable that even my kids can’t stand it anymore. She did not know how much money she had and now that she does, she is very power hungry. I am her POA, but she buys everybody’s love with money. She starts drinking and mixing her alcohol and gets so belligerent. She has fallen out of bed many times. I’m exhausted mentally, physically, and in my soul. I have gotten sick and needed surgery which everyone says must have been stressed induced. I work full-time and work from home a few days a week and I’ve had to go to the motorhome to work because she causes such disruptions in the house. Oh yes, she also brought her two dogs. So now we have five little dogs. She always tries to take care of mine and I tell her not to because she gives them people food and refuses to listen to me when I tell her to stop. She fights with everybody and says bad stuff about everybody all the time. She forces my brother to buy her alcohol and she’s very sneaky about that behavior. She lies all the time to make herself look better. It’s a classic Asian thing for her to want to appear to be the best and the richest of everybody. She had a horrible life in her country, but I have trouble using that as an excuse. Last night, she got so belligerent drunk, and was stumbling around and fighting with everybody. She caused both of my almost adult sons to cry, and they have never had anybody do that to them before. They are sweet, straight A boys with very bright futures. She told them that they were no longer her grandchildren. I was so furious and I’m not proud of how I reacted to that. She wasn’t a good mother to me and she is so negative. She has such a twisted sense of the world. I don’t really know how I’m going to do this. My father is in his 90s and is a whole other story. He also is narcissistic in nature. I am soon to be an empty nester. Just the thought of that and not having my boys was devastating enough but now I know this is the only thing I have to look forward to? My husband and I are beside ourselves. Any advice would be appreciated.
The End.
Until you stop wanting anything she has, you will continue to voluntarily be her care slave and enabler.
You mention being Asian, so the filial piety thing is in play, but only if you subscribe to it. Sounds like she has enough money to pay someone to care for her, so... why not go with this solution?
If you're in America, there's no real pressue to perform as a faithful adult child. We don't get to choose our family but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them. She chooses booze "über alles". Why continue to allow this wench to sow unhealthy unhappiness on whatever she touches.
You, your husband and your family are the priority. Not your drunken Mother. You can make sure she gets care, but not at the expense of your priority people. You know the answer. Yes, she will get extremely ugly but then she's been ugly this whole time. You need boundaries. Maybe see a therapist to identify and learn to enforce healthy boundaries. She won't respect your boundaries, so it's up to you to have them and defend them. Your kids are watching... what are they learning? That mulitple Asians throw themselves on a single funeral pyre because it's "tradition"? I surely hope not.
I wish you great wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart to do the right thing for yourself and your family.
Help her find a place fast. And give her an Out By date of May 1st. Stick to your guns. She's done enough damage. Some women weren't cut out to be mother's or grandmother's. She's one of them.
Best of luck to you.
Set up bill pay to take care of all of her utilities from afar. Create a sandbox bank account and transfer money to her every month. Also, I’d consider setting up low credit limits on her credit card and freezing her credit so she doesn’t get scammed out of her money. Let her drink herself to death if she wants, just not in your home.
Give her a deadline to move out. Send her to the brother in California or get her an apartment.
We found AL's, nursing homes, and rehabs don't want alcoholics. There was only one rehab/nursing home in our county that would take alcoholics and drug addicts but it was a rough place for Dad.
Get therapy for you and your husband and get a therapist that specializes in alcohol and drug addiction in families. Have the therapist help you to come up with a script/plan to get her out of your house.
Alanon for you.
AlAteen for your sons.
Get her an apartment or move her to Cali with your brother.
Dad drank in his 80's. It was terrible. I'd say the last 4 years he ate very little but got most of his calories from alcohol. He started drinking at 10:00 am.