I know I may seem selfish and I apologize if that’s the case but for starters, I feel it is important to mention I have autism. So certain situations and things can irritate/overwhelm me and I tend not to socialize all too much. my grandma lives with my mother and I now because she can no longer live alone, she had to move in with us from Florida and so furniture was delivered and lots of it was heavy, she’s had back problems for quite some time now and I told her not to lift anything heavy and that I will take care of it, but she didn’t listen and messed her back up more from trying to help me with furniture and if I’m being honest I don’t feel bad and it really annoyed me a bit. Because I told her not to lift numerous times cause it was going to mess her up even more and she didn’t listen, now I have to take her to the chiropractor constantly and that can be overwhelming for me, during these drives to the chiropractor she repeats herself and touches me and both of those tend to irritate me a bit, I already don’t like socializing and it bothers me even more how my mom is so much nicer to my grandma, checks on her (which I understand), doesn’t have an attitude with her and expresses genuine concern but my mother gives me an attitude and doesn’t worry about me much and my grandma basically sits there and says nothing when my mom gives me an attitude and that kind of leaves me feeling bitter towards both of them in a way. I had even expressed this open and honestly with mother how I don’t feel bad because I told my grandmother that I would take care of lifting furniture and she didn’t listen and that these chiropractor visits make me uncomfortable and stress me out and mother proceeded to make me feel bad by making fun of me in a lite way. Anyone I’ve gone to about this be it friends or my girlfriend says I’m in the wrong and need to “man up” and help my grandma and refuses to see how certain things stress me out and irritate me. It’s not that I don’t love or care for grandmother cause I do and I get my grandmother is old but I’m doing what I can and it seems anything I do is wrong cause most the things I need to do can be too much and stress me out more than the average person. This is the only place I practically feel safe enough to vent and express my mind due to being hidden.
This would be stressful for ANYONE, but you are correct, that the added being on the spectrum makes your need/wish for an orderly progression to your days more important to you than to the average person.
I think you likely recognize that this is an added burden to your Mom, no matter she tries to make it nice for Grandmother.
This is a hard decision any way you look at it. It seems like a whole dumpster load of questions came in today to AgingCare that all involve how difficult it is for ANYONE to live with ANYONE else. And there is simply no easy answer to it.
You are exceptionally articulate. I would like just to suggest that you make an attempt to make this easier on everyone by quality suggestions. For instance, what about if you told Mom and Grandmom "Hey, much we might care about one another, this living together stuff is dicey. How about we call a weekly meeting in which we all get together and talk about what's hard for us. Not to accuse, but to say what changes are a challenge."
And to suggest what might help.
I think you could be the hero of the day.
Me, I am an 81 year old loner who is a bit OCD myself. I LOVE order and I hate change. But here you are.
I hope you will update us. As I said, you are articulate and your read on things is good to follow, and what you write here gives others an eye-view of what works for you, what doesn't.
I can only wish you luck. If the "get togethers" over a pizza doesn't do it, then just approach Mom in a quiet time and tell her "I'm having a tough time! Can I just talk a second".
I think you know already how capable of caring she is.
I wish you great good luck and I hope you'll update us all.
Do you have an Autistic center near you? If so, call them and see if there is someone you can talk to. Do you go into the office with Grandma? Maybe you can take her in and ask the receptionist to call u when grandmom is ready.
How about informing mom that the chiropractor visits are too much for you and asking her to take grandma there?
If that doesn't work, is there somewhere else you could live? Or somewhere that grandma could go?
This needs to get better for you, and all of you living in the same house isn't working. I hope you find a way to get away from this so you can feel better.