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…and it is.



We planned and paid for a sunny vacation three years ago, pre-Covid. We post-poned (only option, cancel = forfeit money) each year until this year when we are finally able to go. MIL has decided she doesn’t feel well the day were supposed to leave—today. Husband is running around with his head cut off trying to accommodate her not feeling well (immediate care, ER?).



I am feeling very conflicted, and a little resentful. I am conflicted because it’s possible that something could happen to her and I would feel eternally guilty. I am feeling resentful because this has happened a couple of times in the past. Deja vu…



DH overestimates MIL’s capabilities and his plan is “hope”. I believe he is living in the past. And yes, I hear a wise man I once worked for saying, “hope is not a plan.”



Feeling frustrated, panicked, resentful…

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Don't tell MIL about plans ahead of time. Call the day you leave and leave an emergency number with an in-law or sibling. She doesn't need your plans ahead of time.
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So here’s what happened. We did go on the vacation. We had text contact, but spotty. SIL flew out and managed her mother, my MIL. She was in the hospital for three days, discharged, admitted again three days later, and ended up having her gallbladder removed. Hopefully, that will provide some relief for her. At the same time, I got a voicemail from my father‘s facility that he wasn’t doing well. My sister was able to rush over from a few hundred miles away and manage that. I visited him upon return and he seems to be stable. Not sure what the issue was (lethargic, very low BP), but I suppose par for the course? We will move MIL from IL into AL or MC. My father is already in AL, but there was talk of moving to SNF. For now, he will stay put. MIL is at rehab and we are sorting out more care.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2022
Oh, golly. I hope there were a few moments of relief. A few great cocktails with umbrellas in them. A few laughs. Because the rest of it sounds so tough!
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The replies remind me of a friend whenever she plans a get-away.

Disabled husband every. single. time. has something happen just before she's to leave and then chaos abounds.

It's legit, what happens to him--often something different every time.

It is truly odd that something will happen with him every. single. time.
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We have gone on the trip, arrived, and SIL is holding down the fort. MIL was discharged after SIL arrived. ??? Trip is two weeks. Not sure if SIL can/will stay the entire time, but what a thrash. As far as MIL, I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or if she is really unwell. In any case, she’s in a larger city (not isolated) and I’m going to rely on SIL to sort this out for her mother. DH can take over once we’re back, but I’m not going through this thrash again. Something has to change. So, turning off phone for two weeks. I’ll let everyone know what transpires. We’ve another trip planned for late summer…
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notgoodenough Mar 2022
If your MIL has a history of this behavior, and you are planning a trip in the summer, then I would be very proactive once you're back from this trip.

Talk to the AL facility about additional respite care, if they provide any. Many AL/NH facilities provide it (for an additional cost, which MIL should cover). If not, then perhaps call in outside aides to help; or find another facility that offers respite care that MIL can go to temporarily while you guys are gone. But do your research way ahead of time; we had to jump through a lot of hoops to get my mom into respite when we went away for our 25th anniversary. You don't want to be running around trying to get all of your paperwork ducks in a row a day before you're scheduled to get on that plane for your trip.

Whether your MIL is doing this "on purpose" out of spite that you're leaving, or she is genuinely becoming apprehensive about not having you and DH around as a "just in case" is really immaterial at this point in time; what you have to deal with now is finding a solution that makes it possible for the 2 of you to be able to go on your trips without all of this drama right before. Because it is casting a pall on both your relationship with your DH and with her. And without regular breaks from caregiving, that feeling will begin to creep in on all aspects of your life until you're ready to walk away from everything.
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We have had to resort to literally not telling anyone we are going on vacation. If we don't tell, then nothing happens.

There was one occasion where we went away for one weekend. A family member was supposed to hang out, have a snack, keep elder company, etc. We did nothing but field phone calls all weekend because no one could handle it that we were not "there" in town and at the ready. For the record, we were approx 80 miles away - not exactly halfway around the world for heaven's sake.

There was another time, when it may have been as simple as being out for an evening (I don't fully remember anymore), but a family member was supposed to keep elder occupied during that time. The family member called 911 and had them come pick elder up. To be fair, elder faked symptoms (no doubt) but the family member did not hesitate. And then it fell to us to sort it all out.

As a result, even though our LO is now in a facility, we have taken a few vacations since then where we didn't tell a soul we were leaving town. Hmmm.... no issues. No chest pain. No nonspecific "numbness." No falls. No mysterious sicknesses (where a reputable hospital can find nothing wrong). No panicked phone calls about what will elder do if we are killed in an accident. No distress about whether their can opener will operate properly while we're gone such that elder will not starve while we are presumably partying.

We were reachable via cell phone - just as we would be if we were in town. Worse comes to worse - email. Worse comes to worse comes to worse, there is a secondary contact who can be called - even though he is not reliable, he is better than no one and it's only a small chance anyone would ever try to need this particular individual as he is abrasive and generally difficult....

Keep elders' anxiety to a minimum whenever possible. Even if you have to tell a therapeutic "fib" about your vacation and where you will actually be, etc. I know your LO is in more of an apartment-style living situation right now, so if my suggestion is not completely pertinent now... maybe it will be at some point.
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
good morning mysteryshopper,
:)

very effective/good strategy :)

“We have had to resort to literally not telling anyone we are going on vacation. If we don't tell, then nothing happens.”
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At the airport. MIL in hospital for observation overnight. SIL arrives tomorrow. 🥺
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polarbear Mar 2022
Have a good time
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Not yet. Red eye… SIL being summoned. I’m afraid I have chicken little syndrome. We’ve been through this so many times, it’s hard for me to be on red alert and react in a knee-jerk manner. DH, on the other hand…
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Have you cancelled your trip?
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Update: DH took her to immediate care. Immediate care doesn’t really know what the problem is, suggested taking her to the hospital. Didn’t call EMS, DH is taking her to the hospital. While I certainly feel bad that she isn’t feeling well, we never seem to get answers, and this is a rinse and repeat situation. What happened last month, is she stayed in the hospital for three or four days, and they discharged her. I think maybe I’m more frustrated with DH than with MIL. Is this fun? I don’t think so. Thank you for letting me vent.
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Do what Sendhelp says lower on the thread. Call a care agency to come out right away.
Then go on your vacation. Elders pull this crap all the time when their family members have something planned that doesn't include them.
Get homecare set up and GO!
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PoofyGoof, I know for myself that I use to not feel well any time my sig-other went to visit his grandchildren for a week. I use to be a very independent woman, so this odd feeling was strange to me. He would go, and I was in a panic until he finished his trip. I just didn't like being alone, and it became worse as I got older.

Finally I agreed to try some prescription calming meds that my primary physician suggested. It was a trial and error time to find the med that worked the best. Bravo, found one. Now sig-other can go on his visits and I can care less when he will return :P

I also know how you feel. I was very resentful as my folks had a wonderful retirement with a lot of travel, etc. I never got to experience that in my retirement years as I was busy helping them. Mom refused strangers.
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Call a caregiver agency to come out right away.
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According to your profile, your 85 y/o MIL is living in Independent Living with Alz/dementia & anxiety issues. If this is true, and she has no caregivers available to her in IL, then you may have no other option but to cancel your trip. I guess it depends on what the doctor has to say. Having a demented elder living in IL is never a good idea b/c she requires care to be available to her on a 24/7 basis. Were she in AL, you could comfortably leave on vacation knowing she'd be cared for, unless she was seriously sick, in which case you might want to stay home. In IL, there is no such services in place, unless you are omitting something from your profile and the information you're giving us.

When my folks lived in Assisted Living, and my DH & I wanted to travel, we also purchased travel insurance just in case one or both of them had an issue. We did have to cancel a trip to China & Tibet once in 2014 which was scheduled to happen shortly after dad fell & broke his hip. I got a full refund for the trip, minus the cost of the insurance. Having elders to care for means your vacations ARE subject to change, unfortunately.

I hope your MIL is ok and that you're able to go on your trip. In the future, don't rely on hope; purchase trip insurance!
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When dealing with much older people, it's likely this will happen time and again. It's very much akin to caring for young kids, except they are "wrinklier" and better at making you feel guilty. Have a back-up plan. Make sure that you have someone lined up to look in on MIL daily. Plan to call MIL at least twice a day. Have food prepped and in her freezer so that she can have at least one hot meal a day. Be flexible with your plans. Pay a more for airfare/hotels that you can change. Those all-inclusive vacations...not going to work for you. Will you resent this? Of course, but unfortunately, there's no real escape without overwhelming guilt. It's just a time in your lives and it won't be fun. SORRY and Hugs.
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PoofyGoof, in the last year's of my mom's life, my brothers and I arranged our vacations with each other so that someone was always in the country. Not nearby, just in the US.

What level of care is your MIL currently receiving? Does she have cognitive issues that make her unable to deal with a small Healthcare issue herself? If she does, then there will need to be a backup plan when you travel.

Is she prone to manipulation?
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PoofyGoof Mar 2022
She is in an IL senior apartment. She has mild dementia, but can mostly manage on her own. She remembers to go down to the dining room for meals, etc. But others are correct, there is no real monitoring of healthcare in IL. DH has considered AL, but doesn’t feel she’s quite ready. I might differ on this… She has been quite happy in IL, engages in activities and has friends there. Her decision making and executive functioning is gone. I’m not really sure if there was ever a lot of it. She very much deferred to her controlling husband on everything who has since passed. There is one sibling, 3000 miles away. She is more than a bit problematic…
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Doesn't feel well is very vague. Is she really trying to say that she doesn't want you to go? or is she really ill? I'd vote that it's the former and that you need to quickly find someone to be at the house with her - friend, neighbor, etc - and you should go on your trip. If she's really ill you can always come back home if necessary but I imagine, just like the first day of school, once you've left her she'll be fine.
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PoofyGoof Mar 2022
Not sure. DH I’d trying to get her in to be seen.
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I'd go ahead without him if necessary 😜
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PoofyGoof Mar 2022
Believe me, it is an option!
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I am not certain how old your MIL is, but will you sacrifice some of the most carefree years you have on the altar of not being able to leave her for a vacation. I could not/would not do that, but only you and your hubby can make that decision for yourselves.
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