I know you all understand trying to live your life and be a caregiver. but I have siblings that do nothing! How can I get them to help?
I take care of my grandbabies 4 days a week 8-5. The other 3 days I cared for my 88-year-old Mom. We lost Dad last July. Mom broke her femur this past Feb. She uses a walker and is beginning stages of dementia. I have 4 siblings and only 1 brother helps care for her. 2 others “visit “maybe once a week for an hour. Maybe bring dinner. But my brother and I do grocery shopping and housework and make sure Mom eats and gets a shower. I changed her bed, make sure she has deodorant and is clean. I MAKE her walk to help keep her independent. The problem is- no one else pushes her to exercise! They say oh she gives puppy dog eyes and says I really don’t want to... and they give in. Of. purse that’s easier but pushing her like I do is what’s keeping her strong. How can they not see that? Why wouldn’t they want to help their mother?! It makes my heart hurt and I get so upset because she would be so much better if everyone else did something for her. Mom is sore and hurts every time I go over because she’s so stiff. How can I get siblings to MAKE her move? I mean it’s for her benefit & health. Do they just not care enough? I cry because I must be, we joke, “the mean one”! I’m tired of being the mean one, it’s not fair! It would be easy to drop in for an hour a week. drop off food and leave. I guess they feel they’re earning inheritance. WTH? I don’t even know what my question is. I’m just overwhelmed, I guess. disappointed for sure. Oh, and sister starting rumors that I’m getting paid to care for Mom! oh and she used to work in PT! doesn’t make Mon do anything! the other sister has borrowed over $15K in the last 4 yrs! she doesn’t go by anymore cause Mon told her no more money. oh, they got bent out of shape because I had a sturdy privacy fence put up at Moms. That’s right before she fell. She told EMS that she got so agitated &flustered and tripped because her oldest daughter yelled at her to tell ‘me’ to stop spending all her money! I don’t understand how other ppl think. I guess I just needed to vent. and of course, I’ll still make Mom Walk and make sure she gets showers and clean her house. It just hurts that it’s me and one brother who does the best he can. it’s wearing on us. and get this! I’ve been yelled at by 2 sisters on how to care for Mom. My daughter blocked them on my phone and all social media. It sucks because if everyone took a day and DO something it would be nice for us and for Mom. I’m just so mad/hurt/confused how they just don’t care. I just started to read “Let Them” by Mel Robbins. Thank you for listening to my saga. Any advice is appreciated.
Sorry that is so sad but, it is. I decided to take the bull by the horns so I spend a bit of time alone in the house during the day for a bit of reprieve and hired a caregiver for 4 hrs a week (I know, lame, huh? But its all we can pay out of pocket.) And probably the biggest help is I take him out at least 4 days a week for a few hours. We visit old friends (who understand), go to the store or just drive through the parks or a nice local country road. It really helps. He sleeps a bit better as well when we do this and it makes me otherwise engaged driving and seeing others, etc.
You can only choose what you do. I'm glad it is important to you to try and keep your mother strong by making her get regular exercise. You are right, she will deteriorate faster if you don't.
I'm disappointed that the sibling who worked in PT isn't interested in helping mom to be active. That would be so helpful. If she is under the mistaken impression that you are being paid as a caregiver for your mother, that may explain why the siblings are unmotivated to give any assistance. They think this is your "job" and why should they do anything more.
Just keep choosing to do what you are doing to help your mother because it makes you feel good. Do not let your siblings choices deter you. I'm sorry it causes you hurt and disappointment. You need to find a way to let go of those feelings. For your sake and your emotional well-being.
Have you Asked them to do specific tasks and they have refused? Or are you just waiting for someone to volunteer? If you have not already, try delegating tasks to your family members who are willing to help. But, let it be their choice!
They may not want to do it and you have to accept how they feel. They may look at it differently and feel that you are too controlling, telling them what to do and how to do it. I usually avoid my judgemental, over-controlling family members because I know I'll never do it good enough to meet their approval. All I get is criticism for not living the same way that they choose.
I had a fight on my hands, last year, to stop my stepdad making Mum exercise every day. Luckily, I had the hospital doctors, GP and district nurses backing me up and he eventually stopped pushing.
There comes a point when exercise isn't going to help and even, in cases like my mum's, just cause discomfort and pain.
We have been over this a million times. You chose to help, they chose not to. You can't fault them for not making the same choices you did. In life did you make the same life choices they did. No? Did they get upset?
Figure out what you can do and ONLY do that. Everything else mom needs to pay for herself. If she can't, she goes on Medicaid, and you find a nice facility that will take her. Those are her choices...not you sacrifice yourself, so her life doesn't have to be inconvenienced.
So many people think it would be all better "if brother just did this or sister just did that". It won't be better because the few moments that have been freed up for you the parent will immediately fill with other demands. You are kidding yourself if you think otherwise.
I chose to visit frequently; I chose to manage their medical appointments and medication; I chose to help them organise their affairs; I chose to help with preparing meals; I chose to liaise with the GP surgery, the hospital, the social worker and the carers. The list goes on, but it was my choice.
I did get a bit upset by all the requests and being called out at night by my stepdad. I lived nearby, but don't drive, and it would take about half an hour (especially when my back was bad) to walk to theirs, when my stepsister could have driven there in little more than that. I felt aggrieved at him, not her. Because I lived closer and he was used to me doing everything, he didn't consider asking for her help.
Now that my mum has died, my stepdad has moved nearer to his daughter and she has taken on all those caring tasks. It was her choice, just as you chose to do everything for your mum.
Instead of wondering why your siblings aren't doing more, perhaps you need to ask yourself why you are doing so much.
I'm afraid that with dementia it will soon become impossible to persuade your mum to keep active, and she won't be capable of maintaining her independence due to her condition. She's already given up on that anyway, so why are you pushing for something that's not attainable?
Your mum will very soon need more help than you can give. Perhaps that's where you should now be directing your energy.
If you keep up this level of pushing yourself, let alone your mother, you could end up pushing yourself into an early grave. Perhaps that's a bit extreme, but you will certainly wear yourself out. You need to look after yourself and your health.
I hope that you and your brother get more support from your siblings.
They don’t have to agree with you.
” Let them” is excellent book.
He came once or twice a week. We also walked Mom.
I agree with you. Movement is key. Lack of movement is the beginning of the end.
I made the decision to keep my parents in Independent Senior Living, then Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living for mom when dementia and mobility issues became severe. I also made a decision long ago not to be the daycare solution for my grandchildren. I am disabled from cancer treatments now and can't, but even if I could, I would not commit to such a fulltime schedule as you have. I'm just too old at 68 to run after kids all day.
You've made different decisions you may want to rethink right now, w/o trying to commit others to things they want no part of. Hands on caregiving is not for everyone, and certainly not when dementia progresses to the point where it gets ugly. I took care of everything for my parents from A to Z w/o doing any hands on caregiving and it was still a huge job. Some folks will say I don't know the first thing about caregiving bc I didn't have the folks living with me or clean up blowouts.
Its good to recognize there are many kinds of caregiving you can do. It's not necessary to leave your blood on the floor with the type you choose. Don't give up YOUR entire life to pursue caregiving for others. There are other options.
I've been told multiple times, yes, you're a caregiver, even though it's my husband who's spent time as both an unpaid and paid hands-on caregiver for them. Different types of work and stress but neither is a walk in the park :)
All your siblings are worried about is their inheritance. It would serve them right if Mom changed her Will and left them nothing or very little.
I'm the nearby daughter who moved here with my family 20 years ago specifically to help my aging parents. Mom (now 93) had a stroke last month, Dad (94) is her main caregiver, and she's currently in rehab demanding constant presence.
I have multiple chronic illnesses, I'm recovering from an eating disorder, and I'm AuDHD (on the autism spectrum and with ADHD) - but since everything's invisible and I don't "look sick," people assume I'm fine. My medical team has explicitly told me I need to protect my health or I'll end up hospitalized, which helps no one. Still, I feel judged for not doing more as the local daughter, and it's really painful.
My brother lives 3 hours away and admits "he doesn't know what to do," so most responsibility falls on my husband and me. I get it - he's still working, distance is hard, and honestly our family has some dysfunction that makes crises extra complicated.
But this situation has me thinking: what if some "unhelpful" siblings aren't just being jerks? Maybe they're neurodivergent, have invisible health issues, or have unresolved trauma with the parents. Maybe they know they'd make things worse if they tried to help beyond their capacity.
I see so much judgment toward siblings who don't step up, and sure, many deserve it. But maybe others are doing their best just to survive their own lives and genuinely can't handle more. Sometimes pulling back isn't selfishness - it's self-preservation that actually protects everyone involved. And some people aren't comfortable sharing every detail of their lives, even with (maybe especially with) siblings.
Not every absent sibling is a horrible person. Some might be drowning in ways we can't see.
So, again, not aimed at the OP, just my thoughts on the topic in general.
When we were "sharegiving" for my FIL - my SIL and her DH had moved into his home because they needed a roof over their heads. But virtue of living with him of course the 24/7 care fell to them. My DH and I (we live an hour away) did EVERYTHING we possibly could to help within reason (took him to doctor's appts, helped with technical issues, gave them respite time, etc) but we couldn't logistically be there 24/7 because we didn't live there.
I love my SIL but I feel like deep down she resented that because she thought her brother should do more. But honestly, we were doing all that we could, especially since we had our own family to take care of, DH had major health issues, and my own mother and grandmother needed help.
People have all kinds of reasons for not being involved. But we should prepare ourselves and understand that not everyone can afford in any sense to provide care indefinitely for an aging loved one.
Your point is incredibly valid.
I cannot help your situation, but I do sympathize with you. However, it must be said that this is what you have CHOSEN for yourself, in terms of both the younger generation grandbabies and the elders. You are a grown adult, as are your siblings. You have all made different choices. It will help you to recognize this as choice. Your siblings are reminders that there are other choices in handling life.
I am uncertain what your approach to all this has been. Have you honestly, before this came to this "blow-up" situation of having to block numbers, sat down with siblings and explained the situation, asking for input, asking for help, trouble shooting the situation in a non-judgmental way? It would have been a way to get the questions only they can answer, answered for yourself.
You are welcome to come and let off steam. But the trajectory is downward with caring for your loved elder. What plans are there for the day mom needs MORE, and you simply haven't got it to give. There's no sense wasting time figuring out the sibs. You know where they stand and know you will be alone in this. It is time to think of mom's future care, when she needs 24/7 monitoring and help of several shifts of several people on each shift.
Wishing you good luck in future.
See about other help as people here have described in their comments and suggestions to take the load off of you. And, BTW, you don’t owe your non-helping siblings any explanations or excuses for any choices you make in caregiving.
Good advice has been given to you by caregivers who have been there and done that. A longtime friend of mine often reminds me that "expectations are premeditated resentments". Your siblings are showing you exactly what level of participation they're willing to provide. Since you can't control other people ever, you need to accept this. But you don't have to accept doing all the caregiving yourself. You need to enjoy your grandkids and keep yourself healthy in order to do so for as long as possible.
Maybe consider hiring a companion aid for your Mom a few days a week. My Mom has 2 lovely women from a reputable agency who are with her every day while she waits for her broken pelvis to heal in her home. I live next door and my boundary is to not be assumed into being her on-call, 24/7 caregiver. She will go into AL when the time comes -- the same one my MIL was in (LTC) for 7 years and received excellent care. It is a faith-based non-profit that's been around for decades. Just putting this out there in case you are fearing "bad" facilities as an option for your Mom. No so! Do research and get current and insightful opinions on Nextdoor.com. Or maybe find an Adult Day Care program for her?
The only person you can control is yourself so finding and protecting healthy boundaries is essential. Bless you for only wanting the best for your Mom but you don't have to be doing it all on your own. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you figure it out.
Have you asked your siblings for additional help? If so, did they tell you they couldn't help? Or are they assuming that you and the other sibling have it under control and their "help:" is to do exactly what they are doing and stay out of the way otherwise?
If you've asked them and they have said no - that's your answer. They are giving exactly what they are prepared to give. And you know what....that's ok too. When you are the one providing the care, it doesn't feel ok. But it actually IS ok. They have the right to decide how they are going to spend their time just like you do. You have chosen to step in and take care of your mom. I get that, I will likely do the same. But that was a choice that you made, and your siblings have the same choice - to do it or not.
When we choose to take on caregiving - we are only choosing for ourselves. We can't make others do what we want. (Don't get me started on making your mother move for health - oh the number of times we begged my FIL to no avail, and we finally gave up because it wasn't going to happen. )
At this point, you have to really consider your long-term goal here. Is what you are doing sustainable? If not, and your siblings are not going to step in to offer respite, then it's time to consider other options. In home care potentially? Or even assisted living.
Heck, maybe if you decide to use Mom's money to pay for her care the other siblings will suddenly become more interested in helping to preserve the inheritance. But it's not likely. And if they are not offering help, they don't get a vote on how you care for mom.
But really consider where you are at this point and if you can maintain this. So many people recoil at the mention of assisted living or nursing home. But people are living so much longer now, and physically doctors can fix so many ailments, but the one thing they haven't figured out is how to fix things like dementia. And there comes a point where it's just impossible to care that alone.
As Fawnby suggested, consider placing your mother in assisted living, where she can get regular exercise, physical therapy, and walking going back and forth to the dining room and activities. You'd be relieved of the work of cleaning and grocery shopping, and your days off from babysitting could be relaxed visits with your mother plus however you'd like to spend your leisure time. Her assets, including her house, would be better spent on making her final years pleasant than saved as an inheritance.
Best of all, you'd be out from under the horrific burden of housekeeping and caregiving that is so miserable. You don't have to do it, you know. You choose to do it. Yay for you, but you can choose NOT to do it. The probable reason that sibs don't help is that they know you will continue to take on every burdensome chore forevermore ad infinitum while they continue with their normal lives.
If mom has no POA, she needs to appoint one. Bring this up with mom, and stop communicating so much with the sibs. They are not your friends.
The fact is you can’t choose what your siblings will or won’t do. You can only choose for yourself.