My sister removes my personal property from the house. She hides mine and my mother's belongings and blames me. I just found out that my mom has known about some of the stealing and hiding things but never told me. I'm devastated.
She, my sister, accuses me of stealing and has convinced my entire family that I am a thief. I do not pay rent - however, I do pay ALL the household expenses except property taxes and homeowners insurance. We split the grocery bill.
I live with my mom - my sister comes by once or twice a week. Takes her to get her hair done and then to physical therapy (she's supposed to go 3 times a week but my sister, who doesn't work can't fit it in her schedule).
My sister has my mom's will, trust, POAs, etc at her house and will not let my mom have them or copies of them.
I'm losing my patience and am begining to think I need to move out - but the loyal daughter in me won't leave my mom alone in the house.
I don't know what to do.
OP should lock up her stuff, and inventory moms stuff
The next thing I would do is...
Make plans to move. Your sister is POA correct?. She is the one that will have to figure out who will care for mom. Let her assume the role of caregiver for a while.
If your mom is unable to live alone then sister will have to move in. The other option would be selling the house and moving mom to Assisted Living.
You will have to do this eventually at 90 your mom will not live forever and you will have to move out at that time anyway. (depending on who the house is left to..and would you or your sister be able to maintain it yourself or would you want to ?)
you have until tomorrow morning to return my things you took...(and Mom listed them out), or I will get the police to return my things and my brother can bail you out.
everything was brought back. Aunt never spoke to our side of the family again. No one was heartbroken.
Other than my mom, one of my nieces and a few cousins that live out of state - my entire family has disowned me because of the lies my sister is spreading. She does something and then tells everyone I did it.
It's just insane!
I can see the frustration/conflict here. OP may think that if her mom wants to live in the house, it will not cost much more for her to live there. Sister may think OP should pay a fair rent amount. OP thinks she is there full time, but she works full time, so her Sister has to do all driving.
But it sort of sounds like your mom (if she is still competent) is okay with your sister telling her she can't have copies of her own paperwork. It's also possible that "she won't let me" is easier to say to you than "I don't want you to have access to them."
I think your position is precarious. If I were you, I would see about separating my living arrangement. It would be safer for you. Then you, your mom and your sister can work out her living arrangements in a way that is satisfactory to you all.
If you are willing to provide overnight companion care to an elderly person living alone, there are families would be interested in providing you with room, board and a wage. Don't dismiss the value of your presence in your mom's house as she and your sister seem to be doing.
1: Living with mother
2: Paying rent vs. paying a few bills
If both mother & sister are in on this scheme, then have a family meeting to determine what they BOTH want here! Lay it all out on the table. If mom doesn't need your help, then move out. Let them both know you're wise to what they're doing with your personal property, etc, and the hiding/blaming you. Again, once they know that YOU know the jig is up, maybe THEN you can all talk like grown adults.
Good luck!
As for your first point - my sister has NEVER wanted me to move back in with my mother after my father died. But my mother didn't like living alone and as I was spending more time at her house than my own, I let go of my own and moved in with her.
Point 2 - payng rent along with my reported income would double-hit my mom's allowed household income and put her over the threshhold allowed for her Sr Property Tax Freeze. Doing that would triple her property taxes making them almost too high to afford. And with the bills I pay (gas, electric, cable, internet, phone (landline and mobile), water, garbage and sewer) the total is higher than it would be to rent a couple rooms with kitchen priveledges.
There is no scheme - my mom just has difficulty standing up to my sister because before my dad died my sister only paid attention to them when she needed something, a babysiter, use of their van, whatever. Now my mom is thrilled that my sister is showing interest and is afraid she will lose that. Which she will because my sister already told her if she 'sides with' me she will never show up again.
This is BS! There shouldn't be sides - it should be the two of us there for my mom.
Getting free rent (or greatly reduced) is not worth the price you are paying from an emotional standpoint. Forge ahead with your own life, start planning for your retirement, believe me they will not care for you when the time comes.
Good Luck!
Something fishy is going on here and when someone tries to hide something they’re usually up to no good.
If you’re living with & caring for mom you should be financial & medical POA. If not, step aside & let sis do it.
Document everything so you have a paper trail of what you do & what you pay for.
my parents gave me a copy of their living trust. It includes their living wills and durable POAs. I’ve read it. I’ve discussed all of it with my mother.
For heaven's sake - my sister counts the money in my mom's wallet to be sure she's not giving any to me. I DON'T NEED my mom's money. She hasn't even paid her half of the grocery bill in 3 months - I don't say a word, I just keep getting further and further into debt.
... I don't think I'd assume that my sister was the culprit. What sort of item has disappeared? Have any of the hidden objects, yours or your mother's, mysteriously turned up again?
It strikes me, the outsider, that you and your sister are suspecting each other of evil deeds when the more likely explanation is innocent confusion on your mother's part leading to breakdowns in communication.
And of course if that were the case, and you were to demand to know from your sister what she thought she was playing at, your sister would think you were either paranoid or trying to foster ill feeling.
And it seems that this has already cut both ways, and your sister suspects YOU of misappropriations. Would you be surprised if your mother had told your sister that money had gone missing from her purse? - and your sister thinks it's you?
DO say a word about the grocery bill! It wants paying, and you're owed that money. But then while you're at it, see if you can get all of this thrashed out with your sister. With care and luck it could be a huge relief to both of you.
I know that in some way my mom is responsible for the mess this situation has turned into - but it's definitely not dementia or anything like that - it's more her refusal to piss my sister off. What can I say? Had the roles been reversed I would have handled the situation a hellulva lot differently and nipped it in the bud BEFORE it became a war instead of just a battle here and there.
As for speaking to my sister - it's impossible. It always ends up with her screaming in my face and never accomplishes anything. My sister has control issues and is never wrong - also she's been telling these lies about me to people so long I truly think she believes them to be truth.
One foot in front of the other, one day at a time - that's my motto now.
Why if your sister only saw ur parents when she wanted something did Mom make her POA. If ur Mom still is competent, the POA is not in effect unless immediate. And if she is competent, she can revolk sisters and assign someone else.
PS just saw ur post. I guess Mom is not willing to change things. What a shame. At this point, maybe moving out would be good. Tell Mom u refuse to live under sister's rules. If Mom gets upset, then say u will stay but only if u have POA.
My sister had a FIT when I had the lock installed on my bedroom, the one on my office, which used to be my dad's office, has had a lock on it for 30 years - he used to collect coins and stamps.
So, I installed keyed locks on the other bedroom (I store a lot of my stuff in there) and the closets (again, they only contain my stuff) - this was with my mom's permission as there was some stuff of hers that was missing from the attic - which you can only gain access to through one of the closets. This was back in August.
3 days ago my sister came upstairs - I have no idea why as there is nothing up here that is her concern - and tried to get into one of the newly locked spaces. She had such a tantrum she threw the dog's gate across the hallway landing at the top of the stairs. My mom asked her what she was looking for and she said 'nothing'. So on it goes.
As for the POAs, I had them for about 10 years. Then my dad died. At that point, during my mom's most vunerable period, my sister marched her to all the banks had her take my name off the accounts. Three years ago my sister took her to a lawyer had her will and trust drawn up along with a new POA for finances - but never told me anything had changed.
When my mom broke her hip/leg 5 months later, my sister and aunts (who are both certifiable) convinced/group thought my mom into believing I was mentally unstable (i.e. I am not - my shrink tells me I'm not every week) and the deal was that the POA for medical would go to my sister until I sought professional help. I have been going to a behavioral psychologist for over three years now - no changes in any of the paperwork.
I know my mom has difficulty with confrontation - but I also know that my sister has told her that she would 'leave and never come back' if my mom changed anything, whereas I am always there, always have been and my mom knows I won't desert her no matter what so it's easier for her to let my sister get her way thus not 'losing' her and let me take the fallout cause I'm NOT going to leave my mom with no protection from my sister and other meddling relatives.
As we do not have copies of the will/trust or POA for finances we do not know what they say. On the other hand, I did obtain a copy of her POA for medical from one of her doctors and it states EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. I do not believe it was ever explained to my mom there was a difference. Anyway, this POA is an 'off the internet, fill in the blanks' POA - it's not from an attorney.
I'm still working on getting her to change things back but it's a long hard road - she's 90, I'm not sure how long that road is anymore.
There is very little things in life that we can control and especially if we are dealing with a LO having an illness, but we should have some control in the place where we call home. If someone is causing trouble, pain, and problems then they need to leave.
If you going to steal and lie about me then you don't need to come in my house and I don't care who's name is on the deed.
xshapyx, you deserve to have peace and feel safe in your own home. No matter who's name is on the deed!
Lots of Hugs!!!
At some point I need to make the hardest decision of my life - my physical and mental health or the needs of my mother who is 90.
No one can guarantee how long they'll live but right now if I had to answer that question - I give my life for my moms. A couple more months/years like these past few and I may just change my mind.
Yes, I do go back'n'forth about moving out or staying - I'm conflicted so I waffle.
It sounds like she wants control. With her being medical & financial POA I would step aside & let her do the caretaking.
My mom asked my why a Christmas tree was so important to me and finally I told her - we don't bake cookies anymore, you do that with her; we don't have family holiday dinners, you do that with her and her family; we don't have presents, you do that with her and her family - All I get for Christmas is cooking on Christmas day, cleaning up and the enjoyment of watching her (my mom) open up presents I have searched for because I know she'd like them. Why blast the one thing I want?
Today was supposed to be a vacation day for me at work - I specifically asked for it off in January - I'm up now getting ready to go in for half a day because I can't physically or mentally spend another day in this house.
I can't afford to move, need a new car and I WILL NOT leave my mom with NO protection against the cultist people she calls family. All I can do is keep warning her not to drink the Koolaid (if you're old enough, you'll understand the reference).