She’s 9yrs older than me and even though I’m in my 40’s she still talks down to me. She’s always had a temper whether it be with me, her many past boyfriends or waitresses in restaurants. Before my parents got ill she was regularly invited for dinner, I wasn’t and only ever saw them if I invited them to me. My dad has been getting ill with COPD and severe arthritis over the last year or so, and my mum with dementia. 3 months ago dad was rushed to hospital with pneumonia and spent five weeks there, at that time mum had to be moved into emergency care home. I visited dad every day and spent hours with him and visited mum. Sister repeatedly spoke to me like poo and was the ‘one in control’ of everything. She lives 6 miles from dad and works one mile away and she lives alone. I live 17 miles away, work 25 miles away and live with husband and two teens. She calls in once a day to do his meal and she takes care of his prescriptions etc. me and my husband go once a week on weekends and I have a day off in the week which I use to visit my mum or if dad has hospital appointments that day I take him. My sister keeps being critical, downright mean and making out I do nothing and has said that she finds it irritating that I pointed out it’s not as easy for me to get to dads all the time. Me and husband help as much as we can but she dismisses all we do. She says it took a near death situation to step up which is hurtful because I offered dad help lots of times but he always refused and wanted her to help instead (I think because he doesn’t want to put on me). She says ridiculously mean things and when I do offer help she says she doesn’t need my help because she’s managed so far in her own, so when I told her to make her mind up whether she thinks I don’t help enough or she doesn’t need my help she just said she can’t be bothered with me because I’m too much hard work. We had an arguement a little over a year ago because dad was going to drive over to me and she told me in no uncertain terms not to let him because his driving was bad and I was to think of an excuse. Weeks later he then told her he thought he wasn’t welcome at my house so she then told me to invite him over! I asked if she told him the truth and she said no and then got angry at me saying she had now had to have a difficult conversation with him about his driving thanks to me, and why couldn’t I just have invited him over! Ever since then she’s been critical and mean and I hate to say it but I’m starting to thinks she’s playing the martyr a little. Also to put into perspective, I’ve always been there for her but when I need support a couple yrs ago she said she was too busy with work and everything, yet she dismisses my geographical and work and family comittments when it comes to my dads care. My dad knows we don’t get along and has told me he wishes we would and he’s spoken to both of us but she still can’t be civil even for his sake when she knows he’s in his last months. Apparently she even snaps at the doctors at his appointments too. I get she’s stressed but the way she speaks to me and others isn’t new because she’s always been like it all my life. My dad has told me he knows I’m helping as much as I can and I hold onto that but she is making life so much more stressful. We both have POA over my mums financial and wellbeing after my dad is no longer here and so we will have to sort selling his house etc and I’m dreading it. My husband works in finance and helped sort the POA on bank accounts so I just know that when she needs his help she will turn on the charm with him while still treating me like poo, he thinks she’s ridiculous and impossible and behaving unfairly too so none of it washes with him but I’m dreading it all. Help!
Since your sister is chronically ill-tempered and mercurial, consider resigning from your PoA so that she can control all of it. You need to ponder how much involvement you're willing to have as things progress.
Your father is still in charge of your mother's decisions and his own if he's the one who doesn't have dementia. Try talking to him and make speech plain. Tell him that he must remove your sister or you as co-POA (having two people be someone's POA almost always leads to trouble) for him and your mother because she is unreasonable and you will not allow her abusive behavior towards you to continue. Let him know that you will not harbor any hard feelings towards him if he removes you as POA, but he does have to legally remove one of you. Then let your sister take on all of the responsibility for them if your dad removes you. You sit back and watch that trail de-rail because it will.
You do not have to allow your sister or anyone else to verbally abuse, gaslight, or make demands on you. No, my friend you do not. Stand up for yourself and stop letting your older sister push you around. Good luck and stay strong.
It's natural for you to maintain that child-like desire to prove your worth to the whole family, and show them why they should love you. It's natural but it's not helpful and you'll need to work on why you're stuck in that pattern and realistically what is it going to get you. You can't force people to value you. Spend your energies and time on people who do.